Fifteen year old Suyeon had no idea that the cute girl in her class would soon be the one girl she’ll never stop thinking about. Fifteen year old Suyeon had no idea that the cute girl in her class would soon be the one girl that she’ll do anything for. Fifteen year old Suyeon had no idea that the cute girl in her class was named Eunbin and that Eunbin would fall in love with her just as she did with her.

***

“Where are you taking me?” Eunbin giggled as Suyeon interlocked their fingers together, taking her down the street. Suyeon grins.

“My job.” She answers, pulling Eunbin closer to her.

“Your job?” Eunbin raises an eyebrow as she uses her free hand to cup the back of Suyeon’s hand, both of her hands promptly wrapped around Suyeon’s left hands. “Why are you taking me to your job?”

“Hmm… Why not?” Suyeon replies before opening the glass door with one hand, allowing Eunbin in first.

“You work at a library?” The younger one asks as she enters, her eyes scanning the various shelves full of books.

“A bookstore, not a library.” Suyeon corrects her, the same cheeky grin on her face. “It’s nice here.”

Suyeon was right. The small store was cozy and warm compared to the cold weather outside. Something about being surrounded by the variety of books lined along the shelves gave Eunbin a fuzzy feeling inside.

Actually, maybe it was Suyeon that caused the fuzzy feeling inside of Eunbin’s chest, but Eunbin forced herself to believe that it was indeed the books and not Suyeon that caused that.

***

Denial was inevitable. It was a scary thought, developing feelings for someone of the same gender, but Eunbin’s feelings had hit her so sneakily. She didn’t completely accept the fact that she was crushing hardcore on her older friend until one evening after school. She had begged and begged for Suyeon to come and help her study for her upcoming exam and Suyeon eventually gave in.

The two were the only ones in the study room with Eunbin sitting in the chair and Suyeon kneeling off to the side, her chin resting on top of the desk, examining the younger girl with adoration clear in her eyes. Eunbin tried not to let Suyeon’s obvious staring affect her and tried hard to focus on the mock test in front of her, only to get distracted by the strand of hair that just wouldn’t stay tucked behind her ear.

Eunbin pushes the piece of hair back and is surprised when she feels Suyeon’s soft fingers graze her own.

“It’s fine, I’ll do it.” Eunbin tucks the hair behind her ear only to have it fall yet again. At the corner of her eyes, she sees Suyeon smile.

“Let me do it for you.” She says, gently curling the hair around Eunbin’s ear. Eunbin’s heart was going crazy at the simple gesture but when Suyeon kisses the back of her ear, her heart does a giant leap. It must’ve seemed like Eunbin was reprimanding Suyeon with her surprised expression, because Suyeon looked guilty. The older girl takes a step back and plays with her fingers.

“Sorry.” She apologizes, biting her bottom lip and turning on her heel, taking slow steps to the door. Eunbin realizes that Suyeon had taken her look of surprise the wrong way and lets out a little laugh, setting her pen down onto the table and standing up. She promptly takes one swift step forward and wraps her arms around Suyeon’s waist, pulling her back into her hold.

“Why are you sorry?” Eunbin mumbles, smiling as she turns her head to get a view of Suyeon’s face. It was obvious the girl was shy and embarrassed, she was avoiding Eunbin’s eyes. Suyeon tried to pull away but Eunbin only holds her tighter, giggling as she tugs the girl even further into her embrace.

And that’s when Eunbin knew that she and Suyeon were on the same page.

***

Eunbin’s heart raced when she saw the texts from Suyeon, but this time it was because of fear and nervousness.

***

Eunbin cried that night, because she was afraid that someone might’ve seen her face when they took pictures of her and Suyeon kissing, but also because she had practically just broken up with the one girl who makes her the happiest she’s ever been.

***

The white device shook in Eunbin’s hands, her lower lip taking place in between her white teeth to stop it from trembling. Tears blurred her vision and she quickly reminds herself that she was in school, surrounded by her peers that knew nothing of the situation she was in. She inhales deeply, blinks away her tears, and places her phone inside the cubby of her desk.

She’ll probably regret deleting all of those pictures of her and Suyeon together, but she couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t risk being out. Her parents, her friends, her everything will hate her, will act like she was nothing less than a piece of garbage on the street. Seeing everyone in school act like Suyeon had some sort of disease was enough to scare the living hell out of Eunbin. Everyone avoided Suyeon’s path and threw her deadly glares from the side. Eunbin didn’t want that. She didn’t want to be exiled.

Eunbin coughs to keep the sob forming at the back of from escaping, she coughs a couple times. She hears her classmate ask if she was alright and she nods, even though she was anything but ‘alright’. She hears someone behind her say something about “the lesbian that sent an inappropriate video” and she shuts her eyes. She doesn’t say anything and she pretends she’s not bothered.

Useless. Useless. Useless. She chants in her head, the stinging sensation of tears forming at the back of her eyes yet again.

She hears someone giggle at a video that was sent out throughout the grade via text message and her eyes snap open when she catches someone say the name of the girl she’s so desperately in love with. Eunbin turns and looks around, catching a glimpse of the video on someone’s large phone screen. She sees the carton of milk being thrown directly at Suyeon and her hands begin to tremble. She curls her fingers into a tight fist and looks away.

Don’t say anything. Don’t do anything. Eunbin reminds herself.

She almost screams at the girls who were laughing and snickering at the video of her girlfriend being blatantly bullied. Almost. She knows that if she were to say something, everything’ll only get more complicated.

Plus, she didn’t want to disappoint Suyeon.

***

The words Eunbin had said to her back in the library was constantly playing on a loop in Suyeon’s brain. Suyeon shouldn’t feel hurt about Eunbin being insecure about their relationship, but she did. A relationship of the same gender wasn’t accept yet in society and Suyeon knew that it wasn’t. But, it wasn’t like Suyeon wanted to get called names and it wasn’t like Suyeon wanted to see her parents stare at her in disgust. She didn’t mean to fall in love with a girl. She fell in love with a person who just happened to be of the female gender. It didn’t mean that she did it to go against society. She didn’t want to be against society.

She didn’t want to be a minority simply because of the person she chooses to love. But, alas, the great society of the twenty-first century is still very much afraid and is still very much hateful towards those who don’t follow their definition of ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ is a word that doesn’t quite exist in Suyeon’s dictionary because it’s based on an opinion with no exact definition. How could someone’s ‘normal’ be the same as someone else’s ‘normal’? It didn’t make sense. It was stupid.

Normal was being strictly heteroual. Normal was being either a boy or either a girl and nothing else. Normal was not being able to express yourself in ways that’ll cause you to be any different than other humans around you because of the small fear of being laughed at. Normal was following the strict standards of society, the strict standards put into place by none other but the ones who follow them.

Normality isn’t something that can be achieved overnight. ‘Normal’ is something you’re expected to be born with and if you weren’t born that way, you’re seen as an outcast. A loner.

The hate Suyeon got after the pictures of her with the mystery girl was relentless and uncalled for.

Why was who she loved anybody else’s business? Why did people feel the need to scold her and call her names because of something she can’t control? Why was her definition of normal so different from the others? Why were people so cruel?

Suyeon wanted answers but she knew that with the society she was living in currently, she wouldn’t get any.

So, she continues going to school. She continues to study, continues to hear the usual name callings, continues to pretend not to see people stare at her, and continues to believe that the girl she loves is better off without her.

***

Laying in bed, Eunbin stares at the ceiling blankly, her thoughts elsewhere. There’s an empty space in her chest as she is greeted by the silence of the night that would usually be filled with constant alerts of the ringtone she had set specifically for Suyeon. Her eyes flicker towards the phone on her desk, contemplating whether or not to text the girl.

She decides against it, her eyes returning to the same spot on the ceiling.

At times like these, she wanted Suyeon to be with her. She wanted Suyeon to hold her hand and caress her face. She wanted Suyeon to tell her not to overthink things and she wanted Suyeon to tell her to relax. She wanted Suyeon.

Thoughts were dangerous at night, and Eunbin had only learned that recently.

“What if the photo is made public?”

“No one will know that it’s you.”

No one will know that it was her.

That’s what Eunbin wanted, wasn’t it? Then, if that was the case, why did Eunbin feel so defeated? Why did her heart feel like a ton of bricks were placed upon it and why did her chest feel so hollow and cold?

Her eyes narrow with the tears that were forming in them until she completely shuts her eyes, her body curling into a small ball. A quiet sob escapes her lips because she is all-too-aware of her parents that were sleeping just down the hall from her. She bites down on her lip as tear after tear was shed.

Overthinking was such a pain in the .

When she wakes up that morning, she unconsciously checks her phone the moment she gets out of bed, only to have her heartbreak at the empty chat room that greeted her. It was a normal thing for Suyeon to text Eunbin a good morning message and, having not see a message from the other girl, Eunbin’s whole day was ruined instantly.

“Good morning, Eunbin.” A classmate greets Eunbin as she walks up the staircase. Eunbin smiles in response as not to be rude, her lips curving up a tiny bit. Her feet drag themselves up the stairs slowly and she comes to a halt when she sees the familiar girl standing near the staircase.

“Suyeon.” The name leaves her lips in a quiet whisper. Eunbin begins to panic because it was the first time since the kiss that she and Suyeon were so close.

“Act normal.” Eunbin could hear Suyeon’s gentle voice in her head remind her. She listens, her feet continuing on it’s way, right past Suyeon.

Maybe it was only easy for Eunbin to walk by because Suyeon kept her eyes glued to the ground beneath her. She was sure that if Suyeon were to look up and into her eyes that she would’ve admitted to being with her right then and there. But Suyeon didn’t. Suyeon knew that Eunbin couldn’t possibly be able to handle the troubles that could come with being out. She knew that Eunbin was fragile and she didn’t want her girl to have to go through the pain she was going through currently. Eunbin wouldn’t be able to take having her parents lecture her about not being normal. Eunbin wouldn’t be able to take having all her friends ditch her at the simple thought of her even liking another person of the same gender. Eunbin wouldn’t be able to ignore the death stares her classmates would give her. Eunbin just wouldn’t be able to. And Suyeon was well aware. That’s why Suyeon was going to do all she could to keep Eunbin protected and far away from her at all costs. She couldn’t risk having Eunbin go through all of this, she’d feel guilty for the rest of her life if Eunbin got caught.

“How does she even manage to like a girl?” Suyeon picks up a conversation not too far from her. She knew it was aimed towards her but she couldn’t help but get worried, her head snapping upwards. Suyeon immediately locks eyes with Eunbin, who was already half way down the hall.

“It’s disgusting.” She hears the voice say.

Suyeon averts her eyes, the words stinging a little more than they should have considering she’s heard it a number of times already.

Eunbin definitely wouldn’t be able to handle that.

***

Eunbin eyes widened as she sees Suyeon exiting the school’s front door. Her mind was spinning because she knew that Suyeon was transferring. News spread fast in her high school and she learned that Suyeon was moving to a different school the moment she entered class. She watches as the girl’s figure disappears around the corner of the school’s front wall and she slumps in her seat, wondering if that really was the end of them.

***

That afternoon, Eunbin decides to do something that she might regret in the future, but she does it anyways. She hurries out of class and all but runs to the school Suyeon had switched to. Her steps slow as she sees a large group of teenagers walking amongst the street. When it all cleared, Eunbin sees the girl she’s been dying to see for the past couple weeks, right in front of her.

When Suyeon turns and sees her, Eunbin’s heart swells up. They stare, and they stare, until Suyeon takes one step forward and Eunbin follows. They meet in the middle and Eunbin slows her steps. Suyeon looks too stunned to say anything, so Eunbin speaks first.

“I missed you.”

The surprised looked on Suyeon’s face transforms into a more calm expression, her pink lips curving upwards in a content smile.

“I missed you, too.”

***