Chapter OST: Song Ji Eun - It's Cold [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCSmtQBJ8Ps ]

I walked past your room as I opened the brown door that allured me even though I told myself not to. I pressed the silver handle as the empty room appeared to me, clean and sentimental hit me. I gripped onto the handle tightly as I wanted to exit this place so badly but my feet were not moving. I growled as my system slowly broke down on me. My other half won the battle.

 Ironic isn’t it-to battle against yourself so badly that you want to die. 

I went in as the brown wooden floor creaked under my weight after being left alone for months. I slowly closed the door behind me and slide down onto the floor against it. I tightened my hands into tight fists as the tears streamed down my face slowly, not stopping anytime soon. I looked around the empty cozy space that I use to enter so many time that I could memorize every detail in specific lining.

But now, it seemed so empty, lonely and cold.

Everything seemed so different to me now, so foreign.  

I stood up slowly, as though I was afraid to wake you up like olden times.

Except, I’m alone, all alone now

I walked over to the cubicles of stacked shelves that were leaned against the black painted wall. In each cubicle held a photo frame, with a photo in each frame.

I went to one cubicle as I picked the content up. Looking at the two people in the photo killed me the most.

I was guiding your young self how to skateboard. I held onto you as you screamed loudly when the board was moving as slow as ever.

“Make it stop, make it stop, Oppa!”

“You won’t die, Kim Jae Min.”

“I will die; I am too young to die!”

“Focus, Kim Jae Min!”

I smiled at that thought as I glance at the next shelf.

You wanted to learn how to play the guitar.

Watching how I strummed easily, you grinned and tried to copy me but it ended up sounding like a dying cat. You sheepishly returned me the guitar as you embarrassingly chuckled to me, not wanting to look at me. Taking the end of the guitar, I place the half of the guitar on your lap as you took the other end and slowly learnt how to play from me.

“Oppa, one day I am going to out beat you in playing the guitar!”

“I would like to see you even try playing the easiest song!”

“I will master the scales faster than you did!”

“Yah, you won’t, I will bet 100 won.”

“Have some confidence in me, Oppa! How un-motivating”

You did it, you learnt the guitar and mastered it-way better than I did, but I did not manage to hear it in person.  I only heard it through your emails to me.

Moving on, I did not dare to pick up the next one, I was afraid I would drop it; I did not have the strength mentally anymore that I am afraid, I might break.

You broke down that day.

I found you crying by the corner of the school.

“Oppa, please come, I-I… I can’t take it!” Your voice went through the call.

Places after places, I searched through the school, it suddenly seemed so long as your sobs went through the call, hurrying me as I pushed every door open harshly hoping to find you.

I did

I found you

At the corner of the school, crying.

You saw me and broke down.

You told me that he broke up with you; my heart cringed and winced at the thought of you crying.

I agreed to bring you home as your legs gave up on you. I offered my back for you to get on.

We laughed and talked through the duration and walk home.

It was nice seeing your smile that day.

My eyes went to the next photo.

You had perfected your skating, it was your lead in this photo, and you decided that you would show me your skating skills and show me how well you skate. You brought me one round around the park.

“Oppa, don’t I skate well now?”

“It’s okay”

“Oppa, how can you say that?!”

“You skate well, is that answer satisfying to you, Princess-nim?”

“That’s more like it”

The next photo made me move my feet slightly as I closed my eyes, my hands secured around thin air as I held the other one up mid air.

I closed my eyes, humming the music out as I remembered the steps perfectly.

“Oppa, my prom is coming, please will you teach me how to dance?”

“You need to have the dancing genes to dance.”

“I have it”

“If you say so”

“Oppa”

“Okay, okay, first you place your hands with your partner’s mid air as he secures your waist.” I demonstrated live.

“Then, you twirl”

I let go of you as you did a beautiful twirl, I smiled softly.

The last photo made my heart drop lower than it already did.

You were with us, backstage as we took a photo together.

“Oppa, now that you’re big and successful can I blackmail you?”

“More like I should blackmail you”

“Oppa…”

I dropped the last photo on the ground as my hands lost its strength.

The glass had a beautiful shatter as the pieces fell onto the brown wooden flooring.

I looked at it as my tears were choking at the end of my throat.

I walked backwards as I bumped into your bed and fell backwards, right into it.

I lay there, lifelessly, sprawled out on the huge comforters.

I turned my eyes away from the ceiling as I looked at the wall that your bed was leaning against; it had our photo together as we laughed. At the bottom in cursive, and the tiniest handwriting it wrote

I love you, Kim Ji Won.

I looked away as I murmured,” I love you too, Kim Jae Min.”

I apologized as I dropped away from the bed, onto the floor on my knees as I kept my sight on the floor.

“Mianhae, Kim Jae Min”

“Mianhae, I could have saved you, but…”

“I didn’t”

The time that killed me appeared in my mind, fresh and new.

“Bobby Hyung, you should tell Jae Min that she should come slightly later.”

I shrugged it off,” I will tell her after this shoot.”

I never knew that if I had told you earlier, you would have been in my arms right now, hugging me to stop crying, no, I wouldn’t even be crying, we would be together, skateboarding.

“Bobby Hyung, are you sure? We don’t know when this is going to end, what if she comes earlier and gets bored?”

I turned to Han Bin and shook my head,” She has school today”

Han Bin stops trying to tell me to tell you to come later.

What I didn’t know was that your teacher for last period wasn’t around.

So you were let free early, you came early with coffee to surprise us.

I went to the shoot as I left my phone in the dressing room.

The shoot went on for 1hour before we were let for a break.

I was going to tell you to come later then.

I was too late

I looked at my phone as my notification for message was up.

From: Piglet

Oppa, I’m coming now, on my way outside your photo shoot venue.

Sent at: 12.46 PM

I looked up at the clock as it strikes 1.30 PM.

Picking up my phone, I called your number.

It rang once

Twice

Thrice

I was getting worried, did something happen?

I felt so relieved when the call was answered.

But my dropped again, lower than it ever did.

“Hello, who is this?”

“Hi, who are you to pick up my sister’s phone?”

“Ah… this young miss is your sister?”

“Yes, who the hell are you?”

“Sir, this is the office personal from Seoul National Hospital, will you please come down immediately.”

I grabbed my coat and ran out of the venue as I hailed a cab and told the driver where to go.

When we arrived, I shove a 500 WON bill to him and got off, running to the receptionist.

She directed me to the A&E

The doctor came out with the nurse

“You’re the patient’s brother?”

“Yes, I am”

“We couldn’t find the family members numbers earlier.”

“How is she, doctor?”

“I’m sorry…”

I harshly held the doctor by his uniform collar.

“Doctor, do you saying sorry help this situation?! Go in and save my sister right now! Get her life back!”

He gave me an apologetic look,” We tried our best”

I loosen my grip and fell backward,” That’s not your best” I muttered

He confided in me,” No patient could survive a head on crash with an 18 wheeler truck, sir.”

I stuttered,” Head on crash with a 1-18 wheeler…”

He nodded and left me alone as a nurse stayed behind.

She informed me,” She was sending a text message when the accident happened.”

I asked,” To who was she texting?”

“A contact labeled Pooh.”

Pooh

That’s my contact name

I caused her death

I killed her

I killed my sister with my own power

My sweet younger sister that I promised to hurt anyone who harms her

That ‘anyone’ was me

I did an all kill with my sister

Kim Jae Min

I love you

I really do

I didn’t mean to kill you

But now that I did, I feel like throwing myself in front of the 18 wheeler

Lying underneath that white sheet should be me

Lying in that coffin should be me

I can’t face you

Someone who is a 15 year old dying because of me

I should have told you to not come so early sooner

I shouldn’t have ignored Han Bin

I could hear your sweet voice, hallucinating in my ears now,” Ji Won Oppa, I love you”

It’s my entire fault

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