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And now he’s slamming him, backing him up against the wall that’s shuddering from the sheer force that he’s using, and he’s clutching him by the lapels of his hoodie so tightly, that his knuckles are starting to turn white.

For a second, it feels just like the cold, winter December of last year again, when the heat of the ever growing fire was roaring between them, and they were both burning in the pleasure of it. Like when they were in exactly the same position as they are right now.

 

It’s hot. It’s hard and heavy breathing. It’s intensely gazing at the other, waiting, anticipating. It’s the closest they’ve been with each other since the harsh and deadly February had come and gone.

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

“Yeah? Well I don’t want to hear it, so save your breath.”

 

“You don’t really have much of a choice right now, do you Chanyeol?”

 

“Did I ever have a choice with you, Baekhyun?”

 

The words aren’t coming out of their mouths in the right way. They’re full of spite and bitterness. It’s never been easy for them both to tell each other what they were truly feeling inside. Baekhyun’s trying here, he’s trying his best. He’s never been good with words, and he knows that. They all come out wrong. They’re not the loving, soft spoken words of affection. They’re brutal and honest and hard hitting, yet the intention behind them is still to somewhat heal, and be good enough to become food for thought. To leave the listener silent, but pondering.

 

And Chanyeol doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to listen to Baekhyun anymore. He’s done with Baekhyun and the reminders he brings with him of everything that pierces right through his heart, like nails on a chalkboard. He’s trying somewhat to get his life back on track, the way it was before Baekhyun ever happened to him.

 

But Baekhyun did happen to him. And he fell in love with Baekhyun. And he still loves Baekhyun. Despite cutting him out of his life, he still can’t cleanse himself from him. Baekhyun has touched Chanyeol, all over, to the depths of the darkest corners and unknown places within him, and given them life.Chanyeol’s never had a choice with Baekhyun, and he probably never will, as much as he tries. For now, he’s trying his damn hardest too. It’s not been easy, but given everything that’s happened between them over the course of the last few months, he’s somewhat coping. Just about.

 

But lately, things have been getting back on top of Chanyeol again. Kai is asking questions and the guilt’s becoming almost unbearable once again. The runs are becoming longer and steeper, and more and more painful on his beating heart and tired lungs, working them excessively overtime, and as often as two or three times a day.

 

His feet bled red and he couldn't even walk properly because of the sting and hurt. He somehow has to sneak in his blood stained socks into the washing machine by hiding them inside other clothes so that Kai doesn’t get a shadow of a doubt. The empty plaster boxes and bandage rolls are piling under his bed in a plastic box filled with his many other things. Chanyeol doesn’t need any more further prodding by Kai.

 

And Baekhyun’s words, they didn't help. They were just a smack in the face, that snapped Chanyeol back to reality. So when Chanyeol decided to end things between him and Baekhyun for his welfare and benefit … maybe he was being cynical and maybe he was being selfish. But it was rightfully so. It was because Chanyeol finally had been given enough strength, control and power to make a choice.

 

Yet even on the day when Baekhyun’s father called on a family meal to discuss his brother's current situation with his girlfriend, Baekhyun’s took the first chance he could get his hands on to escape them, and come back running to Chanyeol, out of his own choice and will.

 

As much as Chanyeol wants to ignore that slowly growing feeling, he can’t. He wants to step on that feeling and crush it into its fragments that can’t ever be pieced together again, so that it ceases to exist. But Baekhyun’s got his hands on him, just like that December night when Chanyeol had thrashed Baekhyun’s Audi, just like that January afternoon in that fancy hotel when Baekhyun had taken his tie off him. Baekhyun will come back to him, without Chanyeol even making him do so.

 

Screw Chanyeol’s easily pleased heart. Screw that warm feeling he’s gradually finding himself spiraling down into, and basking in. This shouldn’t be happening. He shouldn’t be falling so simply, so readily, because he knows how destructive that is. He doesn’t need a repeat episode of that.

 

“Look, I’m – I –“ Baekhyun begins, his chest still rising and falling dramatically.

 

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. He already knows where this is going.

 

“When you said you wouldn’t text back, I didn’t know you actually meant that. I thought you’d –“

 

“Come around? Text you back two days later? Nah, please. I meant what I said.” Chanyeol scoffs.

 

“Yeah, I can see that.” Though the bravado, Chanyeol’s showcasing still remains intact, he can read the sudden change in Baekhyun’s demeanor. He  loosened his grip on Chanyeol’s hoodie, but still kept his hands there. His shoulders fall down in defeat and his eyes – there’s something different about his eyes now, and with the way he’s looking at Chanyeol.

 

There’s a hint of hurt, but feigning ignorance to it, and there’s a whole lot of longing. “I need you.” Baekhyun mumbles.

 

“No.” Chanyeol shakes his head, affirming.

 

“Chanyeol, don’t be like that.”

 

“Like what? The same guy who always gave in to you so easily? Sorry to break it to you, but I’m not him anymore.” There’s a moment of tensed silence between them, and they’re barely whispering now, because everyone else is in the opposite room.

 

“Go back to your family, Baekhyun.”

 

But instead, Baekhyun brought his hands up, paving his way across Chanyeol’s shoulders, latching them onto his neck, his long fingers finding their resting place under Chanyeol’s ears, his thumb Chanyeol’s cheeks. And for a moment, Chanyeol’s guard almost fully slips, as he closes his eyes shut. Oh, how much he misses Baekhyun’s touch. He’s craved that skin to skin contact between them, and that stomach churning sensation and the sparks and shivers that it brings. He’s replayed all those memories too many times now, and has often found himself at nights hugging his pillow, and swallowing in sobs and blinking back tears.

 

But something’s different this time. Baekhyun’s touch; it’s not warm, it’s cold. It’s not welcoming, it’s distant. Almost as though something’s in the way, as though something’s stopping Chanyeol from feeling what Baekhyun’s giving him.

 

Chanyeol opens his eyes and turns his head to look at Baekhyun’s hand.

 

It’s the wedding ring. Chanyeol doesn’t hesitate for a single second more, and jerks Baekhyun’s hand away from his face. But that’s not enough. Baekhyun’s still standing far too close right now, and though Baekhyun has given him fresh new flashbacks of just how good his body feels on Chanyeol’s after so, so long to remember tonight before he sleeps, right now, Chanyeol can’t be having him in such close proximity.

 

This is borderline.

 

And so Chanyeol shoves Baekhyun away, with everything inside him. The rage, the fury, the agony and the jealousy. It all comes to the forefront, and Chanyeol pushes Baekhyun to the other side again, as Baekhyun steps forwards towards the taller one again. “Don’t you dare!” Chanyeol warns him.

 

How does Baekhyun still have it in him, Chanyeol wonders, seething. How can one be so desperate that even with their wedding ring on as a constant holy reminder of devotion to someone, they crave someone else entirely as a desire to be kept a dirty secret? Who does Baekhyun want more then? Someone he publicly and so proudly committed his vows to and married, or someone he privately keeps coming back to when he needs them the most?

 

And how is Chanyeol meant to just give in, when that stupid metal band is on Baekhyun’s finger. That ring, it was like a noose for Chanyeol, tightening around his neck, stopping him from breathing, stopping him from feeling. That cold piece of metal was like a blade for Chanyeol, cutting in so deeply, reminding him who he exactly was and where he stood with Baekhyun, and how much his heart bled.

 

“Chanyeol, I miss what we had. What we had was good. We can still have it all if you just say yes.” Baekhyun’s pleading, at this point. He just wants Chanyeol back. He’s not sure when he turned to desperation, or when he began missing him, but he needs Chanyeol.

 

“It’s best if you get that thought out of your head. You’re deluded, stop.” Chanyeol hisses.

 

“I need you Chanyeol. I need to talk to you, alright? Hani’s been so tied down with this whole family situation, and she threatened me that if I don’t stand by her then she’ll kick me out. My brother got this thing with his girlfriend going on and dad is breathing down my neck about how he wants me to have a word with my brother, but he wants to move out of home and I’m worried about him if he does. Everything’s so complicated right now and I’m being pulled in all directions, expecting to cope with it all, so is it too much for me to ask for you to at least hear me out?” Baekhyun, in all of his quiet declaration, somehow manages to make his way back towards Chanyeol.

 

“So, what am I supposed to do?” Chanyeol shrugs his shoulders, replying casually, a beat later.

 

That response may have been too harsh, Chanyeol can admit to that, but it’s an honest answer. It’s a brutal reply. He gives it back to Baekhyun, exactly like how Baekhyun gives it to him. What can Chanyeol do about it all? Yes, Chanyeol inside can admit that he’s a little happy that Baekhyun’s come to him to speak to, but this is all Baekhyun’s doing. He’s got to reap what he sows.

 

“What?" Baekhyun’s shell-shocked into wide eyes and a gaping mouth. "How can you say that?"

 

“It’s got nothing to do with me. If you’re too scared to go with your gut instinct, all because Hani’s threatening to kick you out, then how’s that my problem? If you know what’s right, yet you still want to go along with the wrong just to save your face, then how’s that my problem? If you can’t face up to your dad and tell him that your brother doesn't wany yo stay with your family, then how’s that my problem? If your perfect little married life isn’t going to plan, and the way you wanted it to, how has that got anything to do with me? Grow a pair, Baekhyun.”

 

Baekhyun’s still stood silently, his entire body rigid and locked into that position. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. He thought he’d hear some sympathy from Chanyeol, some kinder words. Not a kick in the teeth.

 

“You love to use people, don’t you, for your own good. You’re selfish, that’s what you are. Just because Hani's not around right now, you come to me and say a nice thing or two about what we had, and you actually thought I would give in to you? How can I tell if you even meant that or not?”

 

“Of course I meant that, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun finally speaks, horrified by Chanyeol’s accusation. Baekhyun’s never once played Chanyeol, never once be disloyal to him. How can Chanyeol say that so easily?

 

“Yeah? Well, I don’t trust you. Not one bit. You’d say anything to have me get back into bed with you.” Chanyeol shakes his head, his voice shaking too, from the sour honesty of it all.

 

“I would never do that to you. I just wanted to speak to you, Chanyeol. I miss you, okay? I miss you so much… I … I would never use you like that. I can’t believe you’d think that little of me.” Baekhyun’s voice has gone so small and timid, almost as though he’s straining himself to speak from what little life he has left in him, from the blow Chanyeol’s given him.

 

“Oh here we go again! It’s always about you, isn’t it? It always somehow in the end has to become about you. How you feel. How hurt you are. How you don’t like something because it’s not going your way. For God’s sake, Baekhyun, stop thinking about yourself for a minute, and try standing in someone else’s shoes. Maybe then you’ll understand why people behave towards you the way they do. Now get out of my way.” Chanyeol whispered through his gritted teeth. Baekhyun shakes his head in reply, inching himself closer to Chanyeol, his hands once again rising towards the taller guy's face.

 

“You can’t force me, Baekhyun. I meant what I said. It’s over. I’m not coming back to you.” Chanyeol warns him, smacking Baekhyun’s hands away for the second time.

 

“You don’t mean that.” Baekhyun glances down at Chanyeol’s lips, closing the space between their bodies again. He knows that Chanyeol misses him; he just needs to see that he does too. Maybe, Baekhyun thinks, just maybe, Chanyeol needs reminding again of how good they both were. Baekhyun’s face is ghosting now, just over Chanyeol’s.

 

He keeps himself still there. Steady.

 

Chanyeol has still not pushed him away. Baekhyun tempts fate, still. He bridges his nose in closer, nestling it in the crook, besides Chanyeol’s, his eyes still open, waiting for Chanyeol to react. Chanyeol just stood there, frozen. Baekhyun rests his hands on Chanyeol’s waist, placing his fingers one by one along the sides, gently moving Chanyeol forwards to him.

 

“Tell me now, that you haven’t missed this? Tell me now, that you don’t find us good.” Baekhyun breathes the words out into the open air. He sees Chanyeol swallow. He sees Chanyeol’s eyes shift. He sees Chanyeol visibly react under him. He can feel the muscles in Chanyeol’s body tense.Chanyeol was never good at lying to Baekhyun, anyway. It takes it all, everything within Chanyeol, to not give in. Every fiber within him aches and yearns for Baekhyun. His stomach is in knots and his mouth is dry. It would be such an easier option to just, simply kiss Baekhyun senselessly. All this pain, all this misery of not having Baekhyun around in his life could just end in a second. They haven’t been this close in weeks, and having him here, right now, could be the end of that drought.

 

But of course, that is the easier option for Chanyeol … but not the right one. It’s a twisted and resentful reality, that despite having Baekhyun this close to him, he’s still so far, out of reach and distant from touch. It’s forbidden. It’s wrong, and not just for what they’re doing to Kyungsoo, but to Chanyeol himself too. He’s vowed to himself to get better again, to get life back to the way it was before again. He’s promised himself to put himself first, for his own sake and sanity. Baekhyun dressed as the perfect temptation will test him time and time again, but Chanyeol must learn to resist him.

 

What they had between them was so fast and so sudden and intoxicating and before they even had a chance to test the waters, Chanyeol dived in too deeply, his instincts jumping first in, assuming that what he felt was love was something Baekhyun may have felt too. After all, Baekhyun was with him in this. Little did Chanyeol know that Baekhyun was a cynical coward in sweet disguise, too afraid to admit to any feeling. It was as though Baekhyun had it mapped out from the start, and drawn these lines and boundaries around himself, that he was to only feel to that extent, and not further than that border. If it went even the slightest bit further, he would shut down instantly and turn to using the mistakes of everybody else around him to blame them for having him feel this way. Baekhyun would never take the blame.

 

What did he expect? That he would come out of this all with a clean slate? That he would come out of this all untouched, unscathed, unaffected? Did Baekhyun expect that he would come out of it all just like the way he was when he began?

 

Chanyeol sharply inhales, steeling himself, and battles Baekhyun away from himself. He needs to do this. He needs to physically put a space between them, to clear his mind from him. He jolts Baekhyun away to the other side of the passage way, opposite him, where he can see his tortured, rejected face, as he gasps heavily, and that wedding ring gleaming as it catches the light of the bulb.

 

Chanyeol’s got nothing more to say to Baekhyun, other than a “ you”, that he says under his breath.

 

He peels himself away from the wall, and begins to limp his way up the stairs.Baekhyun doesn’t let that pass by. He’s watching it all intently, watching every staggering step Chanyeol’s taking. He sees Chanyeol lean against the wall of the staircase, and grip hold of the banister.

 

“Why are you walking all funny? What’s wrong with you?” Baekhyun calls out from the bottom of the stairs. Chanyeol doesn’t turn around, but he knows that Baekhyun’s burning holes into his legs.

 

.

 

“Nothing. I twisted my ankle a couple of days back. It’s no big deal. It doesn’t concern you anyway. It’s none of your business so stay out of it, yeah?” Chanyeol’s a blubbering mess as he replies to him, his eyes already closing because he knows how unbelievable that sounded. Yet, Baekhyun’s not said anything back to him, so Chanyeol takes that as a sign that Baekhyun’s let it rest, for now anyway, and he makes his way to his room, slamming the door shut.

 

Chanyeol sits down on his bed, head in his hands, and that’s when the red catches his eye.His socks are covered in blood. His blisters must have opened due to the pressure he was putting on his feet just a moment ago. He looks towards the door, and there are traces of his footprints leading to it. He’s going to have to clean them now, and check downstairs too.

 

And that makes Chanyeol gasp in terror, as the dread of Baekhyun seeing them fills his core. Downstairs, Baekhyun is stunned into silence, as he looks at Chanyeol’s trailing bloodied footsteps paving their way to Chanyeol’s room, and every worst case scenario possible flashes into Baekhyun’s mind, yet he’s failing to understand: If Chanyeol said he had twisted his ankle, then why are his feet bleeding for?

 

Is this really the end?

 

 

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