TRIGGER WARNING

(it's time to reveal what lead to Zitao's first attempt
this is a chapter about Zitao's past!)

21^st June was marked in Zitao’s calendar, but not because he would have marked that day. It was the date of Summer Solstice, the longest day and the shortest night of the year. From that date on the days would become shorter, sure it was summer – making you believe there were long sunny days, but it was already the beginning of the ending.

And maybe it was symbolic, but that day had been the longest day of Zitao’s life and he had wished that it would have been his last.

Since New Year he had turned from a really important person, to the person Yifan referred as “his boyfriend” and one day in spring Yifan had held his face between his hands and had kissed him and had said: “I love you”.

Zitao remembered clearly that it had rained that day as they had went for a walk in the park and had been surprised by the sudden storm. Zitao had never been very scared of thunder storms but it had felt nice to be held by strong and warm arms.

And spring turned into the happiest time, Zitao ever had experienced. His friends knew that he was dating someone, but Zitao still couldn’t bring himself to reveal the person behind his happiness.

A week later, he surprised Zitao on his birthday by picking him up on his way home from school. There were no hotel rooms anymore as Yifan had bought an apartment, where he cooked lunch for Zitao.

But during May, Yifan was very busy and was often not at home, he spoke about business back in China. And there were dark shadows under Yifan’s eyes, his smiles looked tired, his clothes smelled off cigarettes that he constantly smoked at the balcony, but he insisted that he was okay.

In June he was there during the hard exam time at school, he even tried to help Zitao studying, but mostly he was just distracting Zitao. Yifan’s smiles were as calm as they used to be and he proudly told Zitao he had finally managed to stop smoking – just for him.

And they celebrated the final results of Zitao’s exams in mid June.

Zitao had written down that day in his diary and had included a picture they had taken with a Polaroid camera.

“June 19^th.
Yifan took me out for dinner, I’ve never been to a more exquisite restaurant.
It was almost a bit intimidating, but we had a lot of fun. And lots of wine.
Never thought, I would sit in such a fancy restaurant with a glass of wine in one hand and with the other one hold the hand of the person I love. What an overly romantic scenario, almost too cheesy! But I could have never imagine to meet someone as perfect as Yifan!
At the time we had ran into each other and he spilled coffee all over me, I would have never believed to have run into the one I’d truly love.
It is not the wine, the restaurants, the places we go to… it’s the words Yifan say, his touches, his kisses. They make me happy and I can’t stop smiling, even after being together for half a year! Oh man, it’s really embarrassing. But I’m glad I found him. Yes, he’s the one. The right one.
It’s time to reveal him to my friends and my family. I’m ready for this step, I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now. But I think now is the right time, I’m sure Luhan and the others will like him too. And Yifan could come with us to the beach house of Luhan’s parents!
This summer is going to be the best of my life. I’m happy. Never before did I like getting up, but now I see him next to me or I know I’ll hear his voice in a few seconds. That’s the reason to get up, to breathe”.

The picture had been taken after they had returned home to Yifan’s apartment. Their cheeks were a little red from the wine, Yifan’s arm was wrapped around Zitao’s shoulders and both were laughing.

When Zitao looked at the picture now, he saw so many things he hadn’t noticed before. He saw that Yifan didn’t look at him or into the camera and his laughter wasn’t happy and the arm around his shoulders looked forced.

They didn’t sleep with each other that night, but since Zitao was tired, he didn’t mind. Yifan couldn’t drive him home the next morning, because he had to go to work.

Zitao had a headache because of the wine and wasn’t happy about having to take the bus home, but he didn’t want to argue.

Yifan was stuffing lots of things into his bag and put on his sun glasses. “Well, have a great day at work then”, Zitao said and grimaced. Yifan was standing with the back towards him.

“Yeah…”, he murmured. Zitao frowned as he stood in the entrance hall. “You tidied up, are you expecting a guest later?”, he asked. Yifan closed his bag.

“No, but it was necessary”, he said calmly.

Zitao shrugged. “It looked okay though”, he said. Yifan laughed a bit. “Did it?”

He turned around and his face was calm, he threw the bag over his shoulder. Zitao smiled. “Yeah, I’m okay anywhere as long you are there”. Yifan’s eyes were hidden behind the sun glasses, but Zitao could tell that he was looking at him. The Yifan pulled him into a hug.

“Are you going to be okay?”, he asked quietly. Zitao blinked but wrapped his arms around Yifan’s waist. “What do you mean?”

Yifan didn’t say anything for a long time. “Going… home without me”, he finally said then.

Zitao let go off Yifan. “Come on, I’m not that delicate. I’ll manage that!”, he said and laughed. Yifan looked at him. “Good then… good. It’s okay then”, he said and his voice faded out.

He squeezed Zitao’s shoulder. “Take care”, he said.

Zitao nodded a bit confused by Yifan’s odd words and he was already at the bus stop, when he realized that Yifan hadn’t kissed him goodbye and neither had he said ‘I love you’.

Zitao had just turned around at the bus stop, when Yifan had walked down the street and had gotten into his car. As he drove away, Zitao didn’t know that this was the last time that he would see him.

It wasn’t weird that Yifan didn’t write a good night-text message, he rarely did that. But he didn’t call in the morning to ask how he was or if his head was still hurting. He didn’t even write later to check on him.

And as Minseok and Jongdae came over that day, he had not much time worrying. But when he called Yifan in the evening, his mobile was switched off and the next day he still hadn’t answered his text message.

It was 21^st of June, a day later, when Zitao tried calling Yifan again and an electronic female voice told him that this number was not valid. It was 21^st of June, the longest day of the year, when Zitao drove to Yifan’s apartment and rang the door bell for half an hour until the caretaker appeared and asked if he was interested in buying that apartment.

And when the caretaker opened the door, Zitao felt like waking up from a dream. Everything was gone, there were no signs that just 2 days ago Yifan had stood at that table. The sofa, they had often cuddled on and watched TV together was gone. The clothes, the scent, everything.

The way home felt like hours, although it only took a few minutes.

And he sat there and realized that he had no way of contacting Yifan. Everything he had had been the mobile number that wasn’t valid anymore and the address of his apartment that had been left.

He had a bunch of diary entries about Yifan, but only 3 pictures of Yifan. One was blurred and in one he didn’t look into the camera. And the one he had taken at New Year, Yifan looked a bit grumpy, but still handsome and in a way adorable. The picture was a bit dark though…

He didn’t know Yifan’s workplace address or anyone who could tell him about Yifan’s whereabouts. When he googled the company’s name, he couldn’t find a single fashion magazine that fitted the description he had of the company.

And suddenly Zitao was scared of all the memories lying in front of him, because the stranger he had run into one December morning had always been a stranger to him. And he didn’t know how much of him had also been a lie.

The only thing left was the information that Yifan came from China… and that was probably where Yifan was right now. But why would he leave without telling Zitao?

Nothing made sense to Zitao anymore and so he drove to the airport. He didn’t know which city Yifan was from, but he took the one picture of Yifan with him, that showed his face. He would ask the staff, someone would have seen him. Yifan was hard to overlook after all…

It was desperate, but he had to do something!

But he didn’t need to ask anyone, because as he reached the arrival area, he saw a woman reading a magazine. A fashion magazine, that had the same title as Yifan’s company, just translated into Chinese. And when Zitao sat down next to her, he could peek into the magazine and saw a very familiar face.

The woman had noticed Zitao and looked up. “Are you also one of his fans?”, she asked with a smile. Zitao just looked at her.

“My daughter is crazy for him, so I thought I might do some research on that guy. You can have that magazine, I’ve read it already…”, she said. She handed Zitao the magazine.

A man, probably her husband, called her and she left. And Zitao stared at the magazine article in his hands and the letters danced in front of his eyes. Yifan’s face was blurring out and the wide smile on his face felt as if he was laughing at him.

“Stupid boy…. Stupid little boy”.

The paper bubbled up as his tears dropped down onto the article that told him everything he had ever wanted to know about Yifan.

“WU YIFAN. China’s new popular actor and model. The charming young man gained quickly attention in the Chinese market, now he plans a debut in Japan and Korea…”

Zitao’s hands shook heavily and he felt sick as he continued to read. He wished he could tear off his skin, he just didn’t want to be anymore.

“To the disappointment of many young girls and women, the handsome man is already taken! It caused some heartbreaking, but didn’t harm his career much, when his agency announced Yifan’s wedding a year ago”.

Zitao covered his mouth, the magazine fell to the floor.

Yifan’s words echoed in his mind.

“Are you going to be okay?”

It had been a farewell and he had been too stupid to notice, but he had failed to noticed anything about Yifan. He was obviously a great actor… indeed.

Zitao didn’t remember how long he had sat there and had cried. He didn’t remember either how he had gotten home, his parents were busy. His mother was cooking, his father was reading the newspaper. They didn’t notice his tear stained face, they never noticed anything.

Zitao didn’t eat dinner, he locked himself in his room and tried to burn the Polaroid picture of him and Yifan. But as the flames started devouring the picture, it felt as if Zitao himself was burning alive with it and he extinguished the flames with his bare hands. He barely felt the pain.

But at least Yifan was still on that picture.

Zitao knew he shouldn’t but he called Yifan’s mobile three times and read his diary.

“Where are you?”, he wrote on a new page.

“My reason to get up, to breathe. Now you are just my reason for never wanting to get up again and you are the hand that chokes me”.

He buried himself in the pillows of his bed although it was just afternoon. He didn’t realize that he dozed off until there was Yifan sitting next to him, smiling at him and saying: “Little Raven Boy”.

He cried and screamed into the pillows until his lungs hurt, then he threw them against the walls and watched how they tore apart and the filling came out.

He accidently smashed a glass that was standing at his bedside table and cut his finger as he picked up the shards. And as he watched his blood trickling down his hand, he remembered that he was still alive. “I’m alive. I’m breathing”, he whispered. But it was wrong, it was wrong that there was still hot blood running through his veins. This hand that once held Yifan’s hand, that touched him. What was its suppose now that Yifan was gone? There was none. Why was he breathing?

He had lived for a lie. He had been happy, he had kissed him, he had slept with him and he wondered now if Yifan had thought of his wife just once.

He had kept this man a secret. If he had just told someone… would he have known about Yifan’s lies earlier then? Would he have left the same way then? Would he have explained?

Zitao searched Yifan on the internet and as he found a News page, he had several hits in the gossip section.

All the rumors of him and a Chinese actress… and then the revelation of their relationship… then the wedding. Pictures of a happy couple. She was pretty, smiling into the camera while holding Yifan’s hand.

Zitao shouldn’t look at these pictures and read the articles, but he couldn’t help it. And every word, every picture tore him more apart.

How could Yifan be the most important person in his life, when he didn’t mean anything to him at all? To him Zitao was nothing but a dumb boy, a little entertainment during his holidays. An affair. Maybe less than that. Nothing. Just nothing.

“I’m not yours anymore. But whom else am I? I’m not mine. And if you were the reason to get up, why should I ever get up again? I should go and sleep forever. Maybe I could dream of you and if I never woke up, I might die happy. It’s an illusion but in the end, it all has been one”.

Zitao put his pencil down and folded the letter.

His mother was not in the kitchen anymore and his father had fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room. The knife was heavy in his hand and the blade was cold.

He opened the window of his room and switched off his lights. He had made his bed already, the torn apart pillows neatly piled up. He closed his diary and put the half burnt picture of Yifan inside, the letter on top.

The cold blade of the knife burnt a little, only a little. Then it got warm and warmer and then there was nothing anymore.

It didn’t hurt anymore, but there was no reason to stop. And there was no one to stop him and Yifan wouldn’t know and if he did… would he bother to come?

No… he wouldn’t.

Hi everyone,

finally here we are and the secret of Zitao's past is revealed...

I AM SORRY, that was a terrible ending for this chapter...

this was the last chapter of Zitao's past, the next chapter will go back to the present situation.

Thank you for reading and commenting!

I appreciate them all and they mean a lot to me~