“ what the hell you think you were doing? “ leeteuk snapped at shaking Hyukjae. 

“ oh my god Hyukjae your fever is so high, and you didn’t tell me or any other one, are you trying to kill yourself? “ Heechul said with worry.

“I’m Fine hyung, I thing I fell because of weakness, it’s nothing wrong with me, believe me “ Hyukjae protested then he looked at two figure talking with each other and smirked, tears started to appear in his eyes when he got up.

“I think I’ll be fine when we got back to dorm” he went to changing room.

“ what the hell is wrong with you Donghae ah? He was near to fall from the stage, and you were beside him not trying to catch him, if it wasn’t sungmin I don’t want to think about what might be happen to him.

“hyung… I “ Donghae tried to defense himself but leeteuk caught him “enough Lee Donghae, I don’t wanna hear anything from you… let’s go back to dorm”

Everyone was in their spots in the van, heading to dorm Hyukjae was looking outside sighing nonstop. Heechul was beside him he put his hand on the latter’s lap taking his attention. “what is wrong dear?” he whispered loud enough for Hyukjae to hear.

“hyung, I… I don’t know “ Hyukjae murmured near to tearing up. “sh… I’ll talk to you when we get there “ Heechul smiled squeezing  his lap.

Hyukjae reached his room, he opened the door and closed it behind his back, and then he slumped himself on his bed thinking about all his surroundings, the things that happened in past few years.

***

Flash back

“yaaa Junsu you are doing the steps wrong, it’s not spinning, it’s pumping  Like this”  the 12 year old scolded his best friend.

“Hyuk, it’s hard, let’s just change our moves to something easy” Junsu told him.

“junsu, we must practice hard, so SM would pick us as trainee, you know that it is a big step for us so please try to do your best”

Days and months passed and after a year they auditioned for SM and bang they both got the opportunity to train and learn all the things that they didn’t know. He was enjoying his tough life because the only thing that he was so obsessed with was dancing and being there was a big chance for him, then the things changed in the company the most focus was on the handsome boys and ignorance that company was giving him made him lonely and sad, then some other trainees joined and they became the most liking persons in the company, Hyukjae just tried to ignore the sadness and tried his best so someone would notice him.

“Wow you are great” the skinny boy clapped and enjoyed the view.

“Who are you?” Hyukjae asked but totally aware of who the boy was, that lee Donghae the friend Of great Yunho  . He just sighed and quitted the room

They were just training and training, the school time was like torture for him because he wanted to be free and dance, the company decided to train him in other fields like comedy, he accepted and smiled and said nothing , but deep down in heart be believed he would become an idol.

In 2002 someone showed up in company the guy that was picked by company’s talent agent, and when he entered to training room smiling like that … Hyukjae was sure something deep down in his heart has been waken up, the guy was so charming and handsome and not to forgot so kind, every girl in company was in love with him, the guy’s name was Choi Siwon the Great Choi’s son, one of the richest people in Korea, when Hyukjae was afraid of buying extra shoes, Shoe company sponsored the “only trainer” Siwon .

It was the year 2003. All the company was messed because the new boy band was debuting and his best friend was one the members he was just so happy for him, the other member was the handsome yunho, he was handsome and who knows when he’ll be able to debut …  

He was staying at dorm with other trainees like leeteuk, Heechul, Donghae guy and other guys, but Siwon was free to go to his house at nights making Hyukjae’s heart clench. Hyukjae liked the other male’s presence he would always bring the best food or even clothes for him telling that he was in the mood to buy him something.

In 2005 the company decided to arrange a boy band named Super junior 05 and it was supposed to be their shooting spot to entertainment world, everything has been programmed, Hyukjae and shindong and leeteuk were supposed to be MC or gag men, Kibum and Siwon and kangin were supposed to become actors and the others would debut again in other group name… but in these 4 years all of them grew to love their friendship and be aware of the sad future made their hearts sad. But they become popular and their fans didn’t let the company to disband the group.

It was Donghae’s Dad’s death news that all the things started…

Hyukjae’s pov

When his mother called telling him the news I was there, he was so fragile, he just cried and cried. I just lend him my shoulders to cry, then he started to talk, “ I can’t hyung. I think I should leave the group and get back to my hometown”

I knew his dreams, in trainee days he was always telling others that he’ll become a great singer and dancer that even Michael Jackson would want to meet him, and we laughed at that but he had a dream and going back to his hometown won’t make him reach his goals, “ya Donghae ah, do you want to make your dad sad by giving your and his dream up? Just stay “ I hugged him,

“No No , I can’t I miss him and he is not here to cheer me up so I just get back”

“Donghae ah I’ll make everything alright, just don’t lose hope and stay, I’ll become your dad and cheer you Up” I smiled and wiped his tears off his face but I didn’t know with that I made a big mistake.

All the members supported me and they told me that I did the best to change his mind but Siwon’s eyes were full of sadness but he just smiled, I knew very well that he was the most religious man among us and if he finds out My feelings about him he’ll just leave and our friendship will be ruined. Yes my feeling, after years I found out the small thing that woke up in my heart was love and I did my best to hide it.

After my words to Donghae, things changed, and he became like glue, everywhere and in every concert he was beside me doing things to take my  attention, and Fans were all crazy about me and him, they were calling us the lovely Eunhae and the banners and pictures of me and Donghae all lovey dovy, the pictures were on my nerves but the only thing I could do was smile and laugh, some of Donghae’s fan were worse, cursing me on my twitter account telling to leave Donghae alone cause I don’t deserve someone handsome Like him, all those statements just brought sadness into my heart but I couldn’t show that I’m sad.

I tried my best to tell Donghae stop his skin ships so the fans would stop misunderstanding us but he’s done nothing. The only thing he was doing was showing his cute faces to cameras and hugging me and others. He was craving for member’s attention.  

Donghae was very fun and kind person but now he’s became so selfish, last night after our Super show 2’s last performance when I told him stop acting like that he frowned and told me “ yaa, Hyukjae you told me you are always here beside me so stop, I love the attention ELFs are giving us so stop and enjoy, it’s the only thing I like so stop”

I just nodded in response but deep down I wanted to scream “what about me and my feelings? I think I’m betraying my feeling by being all over you” but I couldn’t cause no one should know that I’m GAY.

That year we’ve been rewarded as Asia’s best boy band and it was my dream to reach this dream so I cried and the one who calmed me down was Siwon, wiping my tears, but seeing him so close to me made me tear up more and he hugged me, my life was in those strong arms… but then he changed and I was sure what was wrong… after our comeback with our 4^th album he changed, he just became like other members who they were mocking me as the most ugly member of superjunior , others words was like a joke to me but Siwon’s words were like a stab in my heart, after that in every stage when me and Donghae were doing our Eunhae acts he came cross stealing Donghae watching his eyes with his own lovely eyes, and then fans started their hateful comments :

“Eunhyuk you should leave my oppa as you see he is happy with Siwon oppa Kyaaaaaaaaaa”

“Two handsome men beside each other, soooo perfect”

“Eunhyuk Anchovy go back to sea”

I just smiled to those comments wiping my own tears, after that something most shocking came, casting Siwon and Donghae in one Taiwanese drama named Skip beat and they both headed to Taiwan, leaving me to think all the impossible things that might be happen, then after 2 weeks they had a press conference and Siwon was just… it was like a gunshot when he told the audience that they are having kiss scene and Siwon and Donghae were practicing it every night. I know I was stupid to believe his joke but my heart couldn’t take it, then My life became mess,  I couldn’t eat or sleep and in 2 month I lost so much weight.

When they got back both of them were so happy and acted like nothing have happened and everything went back to normal, but 2 years passed and here we are…

End of POV and End of flash back

***

Knock knock knock

“Yes?” Hyukjae asked.

“It’s me, dear” it was Heechul, Hyukjae stood up and opened the door for the latter. Then they both entered the room and sat on the bed .

“Tell me what’s wrong, and I don’t accept any lie cause I know you would lie” Heechul stated. Hyukjae palmed his face and started “Am I disgusting hyung?” he asked.

“Who the has told you this bull?” Heechul shouted.

“No No, No one, Hyung I have this ing feeling  toward someone that is disgusting But I can’t help myself to stop it” he was in the verge of tearing.

“the feeling is not disgusting and that person is so lucky to have this pure feeling of yours so why you are sick? Does he know or was he that stupid to reject you?” he smiled.

Hyukjae just laughed … “you know hyung, when I first saw him I was sure something was wrong with me to feel that way then days passed by and I find out I’m in love with him but I was sure I had no chance and it’s been two years he proved me otherwise, he is in love but with other person, if I knew he was like me I… I… “ Hyukjae tear s started to fall.

“so it is Siwon … you are stupid Hyukjae . so stupid “ Heechul just got up and left the latter.

***

Heechul’s POV

Today’s incident was something too much for me to tolerate, Hyukjae wasn’t someone weak to show his sadness, but we always knew his laughs and smiles are fake somehow, all of us were so worried about him, because we knew something was bothering him but when we asked he would just smile and tell us what’s wrong with us thinking that.

But in past few months his actions were so strange his attention toward Siwon was totally visible to me , I was totally aware of Siwon’s feeling toward this angel but I have no intention to put myself in that horse’s problem, because he was big enough to do his own things.

Last night when kyuhyun jokingly told donghae “ just leave Hyukjae alone so fans would finally forget about him and then company kick him out of the group” his eyes widened, then he smiled and started to nibble his lips . I really wanted to kick that gamer’s but I just couldn’t tell anything but I felt his pleading eyes that were focused on siwon’s face asking for defense but to my surprise he didn’t tell anything because Siwon was the only one who defensed him in this situations.

 I know he’s handsome but his innocent laughs when we joke was the best view and the devil I was enjoying but last night everything got so messed up, we were in dorm making fun of this poor angel, he was laughing among us telling “hyung you are meanie” and pout. That’s why we made fun of him.

But last night I saw his eyes and saw the feeling of betrayal then it hit me.

Today at performance, I was at backstage watching the boys, everyone was having fun for himself and I saw Hyukjae looking at Siwon’s side, same Siwon that was hugging Donghae like there’s no tomorrow, I saw Hyukjae smiled bitterly and when he was about to turn, he collapsed and if it wasn’t sungmin who caught him, he would fall on the ground. Every one rushed to him asking what was wrong with him and the only thing he was saying was” I’m ok I think I’m just weak”

After hearing his words I knew I should wake some senses in that stupid horse…

End of POV

***

Hyukjae was shock he just shrugged his shoulders and he lay down trying to sleep.

After half an hour when Hyukjae was still in his deep thoughts when something or better, tell someone sat on edge of bed making him shock, he sat down by seeing that certain someone he froze.

Siwon was there watching him with his worried eyes and Hyukjae could swear the tears were visible in the latter’s eyes.

“H…Hyukjae are you alright?” Siwon asked putting his palm on latter’s forehead checking if he has fever or not. But Hyukjae pushed his hand away.

“Just stop it Siwon ah, please. I can’t take it anymore please leave” Hyukjae lay back and turned so his back was facing the latter.

Siwon’s POV

When Heechul rushed to my room telling me about Hyukjae and his feelings and My stupid actions, in the blink of an eye I was in front of his room.

The first time I saw him in the company My hearts beating increased and My feelings grew time to time, Me being gay was something that my parents were aware of and that was the reason why they told me they don’t have a child named Siwon, I knew their love and I was sure some day they’ll accept me because I was a good human and I loved god from bottom Of my heart but knowing I was born like this made me realize being gay is the only sin I’m doing and I was sure I would be forgiven when I’m dead.

Hyukjae was the coolest guy I’ve ever seen, he was so hard working and sweet, smiling nonstop whenever he was tired or not, he always gave us energy by telling how good we were at dancing or singing, and I was falling so hard, then he told Donghae he would become his father and love him as one just made my heart flinched so Hyukjae must be in love with Donghae, and I knew Donghae wasn’t in love with Hyukjae, he was just wanted Hyukjae’s friendship and he just wanted Hyukjae’s attention for himself but I could see Donghae wasn’t giving any attention to Hyukjae, he didn’t know when he should support Hyukjae and that made me even more angry so I decided to release Hyukjae from Donghae and Making him jealous so he would go and confess to that fish cause I could see he was torturing himself by acting lovey dovy with Donghae and I thought it was because of love.

but Heechul hyung told me that all these time I was a stupid to think Hyukjae hyung was in love with Donghae, he was loving me all these times and I’m so happy but when I got to his room and he told me “Just stop it Siwon ha, please. I can’t take it anymore please leave”

I knew very well why he was sad.

“Baby, I love you too. Please look at me “I told him I could feel he froze in his spot.

“Siwon ah Please Don’t fool me, I know heechul hyung told you this but you don’t have to act, I’ll be fine in 2 days or not, but believe me I won’t come cross between you and Donghae, believe me” he was still back facing me. So I pulled him and looked at his round eyes that were all teary I don’t know what came to me I bend down and kissed his eyes wiping the tears with my lips, those saltiness of his tears where sweet as candy for me because it was out of love.

“Hyukjae all these time, I thought you were in love with Donghae so I backed off and me being with Donghae was just a way to make you jealous, forgive me my love, I love you so much” My face was inched apart from his face when I was murmuring these words and I saw his eyes widened .

“Y…You are… Kidding me, am I right?” he asked cutely and made me crazy so I pushed my lips on his plump ones tasting his sweetness, it was a peck at first but I couldn’t take enough of it and my kiss become more passionate, he moaned under me and I smirked and receded myself, “does it sounds like a joke to you?” I asked and he turned red, his eyes became teary and he hugged me with all his might.

“S…Siwon ah I can’t believe this… I love you so much. So damn much. Just don’t leave me” he told me making me crazier.

“I would be stupid to leave you baby” I told him and crashed my lips to his, French kissing him and enjoying every second of it.

1 year later

Hyukjae’s POV

Siown is in Europe attending some Audi show event and leaving me here, in every pic he was uploading on his twitter I could see his mustache grew wildly and made me roll my eyes cause he didn’t pay attention if those tiny hairs would hurt me when we were kissing or not, when he got back he twitted mentioning me being his Stupid anchovy, knowing that I haven’t been his yet I rolled My eyes then he tweeted “Kiss you. Chu”

And it reminded me his mustache so I tweeted “shave your mustache “