an: this is a long fic with dumb humor, dumb plot, and lame ending. do not kill the author after, she did her best but her best wasnt good enough but at least she tried (tried half-heartedly) i deeply apologize. also, this is unedited. thank you S for beta reading half of this fic. you helped a lot <3

 

 

 

 

Chase me.

 

 

 

 

“Have you seen this man?” Luhan was mock yelling with suppressed voice at the top of his lungs while flailing his hands with the right holding out a paper that has a picture of a boy messily drawn using a sharpee.

 

“Tell me where you’ve seen this man!” No answer.

 

“This. Tell me where he is.” Still nothing.

 

TELL. ME. WHERE THIS GOD DAMN INSIGNIFICANT IMBECILE IS. GOD DAMN IT.

 

Tao was trying his best to hold his laughter but ended up choking in the sidelines. Pfft. He…hehehehehe… heheheheheheheHEHEHEHEHEEASDFGHJKL Crap man, this is seriously so freaking funny.

 

“Ge, pfft—I can’t take this anymore.”

 

Yixing smiled gently through this and ruffled Tao’s hair but the younger pouted, not appreciating the gesture. Well, he is he manliest man in the group (as he claims). “It’s okay to laugh, Taozi. You might get constipated if you hold your laugh.”

 

“But ge,” Tao glances at Luhan who was currently harshly yanking a boy nerd from the sidewalk. “I might hurt Luhan ge’s feelings. You know how serious he is about this whole catch the mystery boy thing. We can’t just crush his little dreams of finding the kid. That’s just so mean.”

 

“HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ?!” Luhan shoved the poor piece of paper to the stranger’s face.

 

If there was anyone who was being mean, it was Luhan himself.

 

The two paused to look at the rampaging Luhan, the soccer player. He was on a killing spree—assaulting every male brunette and non-brunette student he come across with and harshly comparing their faces with the paper of a poorly drawn stick figure that has an odd 70’s hair style.

 

What’s even more mean, was that Luhan shoves them away—throws them away—after his brain finishes filtering and processing their huge, massive, indescribable differences and scampers to find his next victim.

 

“Are you sure he isn’t,” Tao twirled his index finger beside his ear and mouthed the word crazy.

 

Yixing frowned at him. “I’m starting to think I befriended an ex-mental detainee.” crossing his arms on his chest. “You know how it infuriates him when he hears premarital and kiss and dates. He was even glaring at us when we first dated. Just understand him, Taozi.”

 

“Luhan ge really values his virtue.” The taller sighed and reached for Yixing’s hand. They both watched their dear friend turning into a real life Satan. They won’t get in his way because if they do—who knows, maybe you’ll see Yixing and Tao’s body floating in Han River. (That’s only one among the ton possibility of their death Luhan will bestow them.)

 

They were hoping that Luhan was done for the day when the scowling boy approached them a minute later, pushing the both of them so he could sit down on the bench where they rested. “Xing, do you think I should approach the headmaster?” He pouted.

 

Woah. Woah. Hold your horses. Approach the headmaster? As in approach Luhan’s equally demonic mother?

 

Yixing choked and Tao gasped. “NO!” they said in unison.

 

Certainly not an option.

 

If they reunite in one specific goal, that kid will die. When I say die, oh no I couldn’t think of any other option rather than a shotgun marriage without a baby involved but millions of raining death threats. It’s not good, because the headmaster—headmistress is also a great advocate of the preservation of the golden virtue. If it means the whole school is involved, then be it. What more is that it is her only son’s virtue involved this time, it only fuels the fire.

 

Global catastrophe.

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

Oh no, peeking behind the tall brick wall of the school was Oh Sehun and from his position, he could perfectly see the gorgeous human being slash shimmering angel slash another god-given blond beauty harassing every brown haired student his hawk eyes could see. Sehun unconsciously reached for his fringes and silently fake cried. What should he do? That psycho is obviously looking for him.

 

Eottokhe?

 

He’s a dead person now.

 

“I’m a dead person now.”

 

“Who’s dead?”

 

“HOLY FISH—Joonmyeon hyung! You scared me!”

 

Peeking from his shoulder was his hyung. Sehun literally jumped in shock with both hands holding his chest. His heart could’ve fallen down or he could’ve died in heart attack. Who wouldn’t? Joonmyeon is being creepy again.

 

“Why are you hiding, Sehunnie?” Joonmyeon tilted his head a bit, almost cutely. Keyword almost. Only Chanyeol finds him cute because he has a weird taste, that is. Aside from him, everyone in the gang can only see an old man trying some aegyo which is gross.

 

“SHH!” Sehun placed his index finger on his lips. “Quiet, hyung,”

 

Joonmyeon clasped his tiny fingers on his mouth and looked around, “Why are you hiding, Sehunnie?” he mouthed this time.

 

“Someone is hunting me down and he’s checking every student with brown hair. What should I do, hyung?”

 

Oh, Joonmyeon took a glance from behind the gate and saw three blonds watching everyone—one of them holding a paper. It was the blonde trio with the leadership of Luhan, Jongin’s arch nemesis slash secret crush slash egoistic with massive scowling chronic disease. He then looked back at the sulking Sehun and shook his head.

 

Being the kind angel Suho was, he couldn’t just leave his dongsaeng like this. He should help him. Joonmyeon fished his phone from his pocket and dialed a number and a few minutes later, there was a sleek white car—almost a limousine—parking in front of them. Joonmyeon hurled Sehun inside and when the brunette asked him where they’re heading to, the older just smiled and said, “We are going to dye your hair.”

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

“Seriously?” jaws slacked.

 

Joonmyeon flashed him his million dollar smile, Chanyeol copied him and he was smiling at Sehun too.

 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me…”

 

“I'm my opinion, you look cool.” Chanyeol nodded and pulled Joonmyeon closer to rest his arm on his shoulder. He bent down to kiss his boyfriend’s crown. “My baby did a very good job.”

 

Good job my !

 

Sehun sobbed as he touched his murdered hair—a freaking mixture of all the colors you could name. It was multi-colored. IT WAS MULTI-COLORED AND WHAT HAPPENED TO SUBTLETY?! TO SUBTLETY! THIS HAIR WILL ATTRACT MORE ATTENTION AND IF WORSE, LUHAN’S ATTENTION. Deep breathing. Why is Joonmyeon such an idiot and why is Chanyeol here to second his dumb plans?

 

“Hyung, I look like a walking sore thumb now! This is what you call discreet?! My hair shouts Luhan magnet! You’re gonna get me killed!” Sehun did some exaggerated gestures with his hands, “See you in my funeral. Serve Starbucks coffee in my funeral. I’m a dead man. Consider me dead from now on.”

 

“Don’t be overdramatic, Sehunnie. If I wasn’t your friend, I won’t even recognize you.”

 

The younger sniffed back his mucus and craned his head to look up at the two. “B-but hyung,”

 

“Trust us on this, you look handsome, Sehunnie.”

 

“R-Really?” his ears slightly yanking at the word ‘handsome’.

 

Chanyeol nodded eagerly. “Yup yup, if I were Luhan, I’ll tap your right after seeing you. It wasn’t so bad, Sehunnie. Just look at the brighter side, you look ten times scorching hot now.”

 

“But I want Yixing to notice me, not Luhan.” Sehun wailed. The younger wants to add something like, he is evil! and he’ll butcher me and feed my awesome body to sharks! “He’s mean and have you seen how he harassed those students, or how his killer eyes give nightmares, or how I almost peed in my pants when he yelled at me? Hyung, if he catches me, I’m doomed!”

 

The couple looked at each other and sighed. “Just stay low profile, Sehunnie. We’re here to guard you! And Jongin’s balls still hurts until now, Kyungsoo punched him there to avenge you! Cheer up, okay?”

 

After a load of encouraging words and deokkbokki along the way, Sehun made his way past the gate and from his peripheral view, Luhan is still there with his hawk eyes activated. He was scanning every student passing by and Sehun felt like turning his heels back and go straight home. He knew Joonmyeon and Chanyeol were waking behind him because they promised to protect him from the evil but when he looked back, no idiots behind. There was only a piece of paper taped at the tail of his shirt which reads:

 

 

My baby’s lowbat, I need to recharge him. (KEKEKE)
Stay safe, Sehunnie! Aja Aja Hwaiting, GYAHA! <3<3
– PCY

 

 

“You there!”

 

What a familiar voice. He’d heard it somewhere before… like a day ago. Sehun gulped as he pocketed the note and made a sign of the cross after, deliberately praying Hail Mary while slowly turning back to see a Luhan stomping his way towards him.

 

He feels like fainting. Damn you, Kim Jongin!

 

“H-Hola..? How ze ye do, ma-men?” good thing he’s wearing some face mask.

 

Luhan narrowed his eyes on him, brows in knit. His two friends are nowhere to save him. It’s just the two of them, face to face, and the sea of insignificant story extras. Sehun gulps again. Where is help? Who is help? When is help going to come? Is help still alive?

 

The younger leaned back with his arms held up as a defense mechanism when Luhan suddenly raised his balled hand like he was going to punch Sehun. No pain came but a white paper invaded Sehun’s eyes. The latter squinted his eyes on the paper. There was a—is that him? WTF, the drawing is so crappy. Was he looking for him using this? Sehun internally sighed because with such drawing, no one will ever find him. Just the nose on the drawing was a horrendous replica of his perfect one.

 

“HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ASSPOOP? If not get out of my face.” Luhan says and turns away without hearing Sehun’s answer and spots another extra to frighten with his dreadful art and hot manly mad face. He told Sehun to get out of his face but he’s the one who left—hahaha Luhan is an idiot, Sehun thinks.

 

It was time for his escape and so he walked faster, almost running out of the scene. Sehun faced straight with no turning back. Escaping was a success and Sehun pumped his fist in the air as soon as he turned left to walk to the library to meet his friends. Phew! That was close, so close but nothing slips past Huang Zitao’s eyes. The basketball player was watching him the whole time from the second floor.

 

“Do you think we should tell Luhan ge?”

 

Yixing stretched his arms and yawned and then goes back snuggling on his lap, “No, I’m having fun watching this drama.” The older Chinese scratched his chin and drifted to sleep until he was snoring softly.

 

Tao chuckled and carded his fingers on his boyfriend’s soft blond hair. “I guess so, I want Luhan ge to find true love too.” then he leaned back to watch his best friend from the window.

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

The first day of hiding from Luhan was a success though Sehun was sure his life is still at stake on the second day. No one knows, maybe Luhan will pop out somewhere like a genie and abduct him to the pits of hell. When he met the evil yesterday, he thought it was his end but thank god Luhan is a little bit dumb and gullible. Sehun, thus, spent his night thinking of another plan that made him restless until morning so that what transpired yesterday won’t repeat itself. He wasn’t even able to wink a sleep.

 

Kyungsoo told him to just face Luhan and tell him the truth but Jongin, with his good mouth, piped up the fact about Huang Zitao and Zhang Yixing are dating and how Zitao is good in wushu and no one could lay a finger on Yixing because he is heavily guarded. Now, not only it is Luhan that was killing the day lights out of Sehun but also the idea of getting beaten to a pulp by Zitao if he happens to spill his past plans of sleeping with his blond fairy worries Sehun so much. That formidable trio is tightly close; Luhan will tell Tao about him eventually. There’s no way he’ll talk about the truth, either way he’ll receive some massive body pain anyway.

 

“Good morning, baby brother. Why so glum?” Sehun looked up from the table where he was waiting for his friends. Baekhyun plopped down beside him. He placed his hand on top of his slumping brother’s head. “Why are you so… closely dressed?”

 

“I’m hiding, remember?” Sehun pouted and rested his chin on his arms.

 

“You’re hiding but why are you here in the cafeteria? There are tons of student here, someone might recognize you. You should bury yourself in the library with Joonmyeon hyung and Chanyeol.”

 

The younger groaned and side eyed the growing population of hungry students. “I’m hungry. Besides, you’re here, hyung. You’ll protect me. Also, I don’t want to see some miracle right before my eyes. I’ve had enough of you.” Yes, yes, Chanyeol and Joonmyeon go at it like rabbits even in the library. Those two doesn’t leave a place without making it memorable.

 

“What made you think I’ll have my beautiful face get punched for protecting you? I don’t get paid for being your hyung, brat.” Baekhyun raised a brow at Sehun. The younger whined at how mean his hyung is. Seriously.

 

Soon, Kyungsoo came with a Jongin dragging his lanky legs lazily. His older brother muttered the taboo word ‘hobbit’ which was the password entry to another round of nonstop war of words. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo started to bicker right away and Jongin scooted closer to talk to Sehun saving his ears from the two and also to save his remaining functional body parts because Kyungsoo has the tendency to hit him when he gets annoyed and Byun Baekhyun is the only catalyst of Kyungsoo’s temper. It was his fault anyway why Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were fighting some nonsense battle, his boyfriend ingrained his mistake deep into his brain as he got punched there. “Rainbow hair… any other plan aside from looking so obvious, Sehun?”

 

“I have another plan,” he stared blankly at Jongin. “I want to kick you where Kyungsoo hyung punched you. That’s my plan, now stop pestering me and let me be invisible.” Sehun scoffed, sitting up and pulling his face mask to hide half of his face. The tan male pouted at him. He then smiled to himself and removed Sehun’s hood to play with the younger’s hair. Sehun yelped but he couldn’t yell at Jongin. It will attract attention and Jongin knows it.

 

“I like your hair. Why is it multi-colored?”

 

“Piss off.”

 

“I asked Kyungsoo hyung if I could get my hair dyed like that but he said that I can’t pull off that style.” Yeah, he really pondered if he will also look cool if he dyed his hair like that.

 

The younger rolled an eye. Duh? Wasn’t it obvious? Of course Jongin couldn’t. “You’re ugly and dark, that’s why. Neon colors would make you look like a torch on a wooden handle”

 

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo stops to snicker. “Tsk. FYI, this face has its own fanbase.” Jongin emphasized his face with his hand. It was true, he has a fanbase.

 

“Fanbase of how many? Twenty?” Baekhyun laughed hard at that, slapping the table with one hand incessantly.

 

“Excuse me?” Jongin looked scandalized. “It was TWENTY TWO the last time I checked it, not twenty!”

 

“What’s an additional two blind man to your stupid count?” Sehun shrugged.

 

“KYUNGIE, THEY’RE MAKING FUN OF ME!”

 

Kyungsoo was about to join them and poke fun at his boyfriend too like Baekhyun and Sehun when he was cut off by a static sound coming from the university intercom.

 

There was some shuffling from the background and muffled cursing but otherwise understandable. They can hear the control room in chaos. Oh, what is happening?

 

“Give it to me motherer or I swear Tao will take care of you,” there was a sound of bones cracking, Sehun almost fell from his seat. Another static wave hit the speaker and more scuffling. Someone cleared his throat. “Nothing is good in the morning so we’ll skip the greetings. This is Luhan speaking and I am asking for your little cooperation,” the whole place erupted into loud deafening screams and fangirling. “I want you to tell me where Oh Sehun is—hey Tao is this name correct?—uhmm yes, Oh Sehun, sophomore, under Arts and Music Department.  Here’s the catch, tell me where Sehun is and you’ll have a kiss. Bring me Sehun dead or alive, you’ll have a promised date. That would be all, have a lovely day!” and then there was a satanic laugh blaring from the speakers until it slowly fades.

 

Sehun paled, almost fainted.

 

As soon as the intercom was gone, metal chairs scratched the floor creating a very awful sound and dagger eyes are pointed to where Sehun is sitting. Invisibility. Someone can you please hand him the invisibility cloak?! Those predatory eyes watching their table gives him cold sweat, the triumphant smiles plastered on every boy and girl present in the cafeteria makes Sehun’s skin crawl like he had seen Shomba face to face.

 

Warm fingers warp itself on his wrist. “When I say run, go hide outside the school, I’ll text Kris to pick you up and take you home, Sehun. We’ll cover you from here.” Baekhyun gave him a look from the side of his eyes, his brother was serious and this is one of those moments where Baekhyun actually acts like an older brother. Kyungsoo signaled Jongin, mouthing his count.

 

Sehun can hear his heart thumping so loud. It was as if he’s a criminal cornered by the police. This is what he’s afraid of, Luhan seriously hunting him down—even using the school population against him.

 

Sehun closed his eyes and heaved a lungful of air, when he opened his eyes, Kyungsoo started counting.

 

One.

 

Two.

 

Three.

 

And the cafeteria became messier that ever.

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

“Aren’t you so smart, ge? Now your mother knows about your little game.” Tao scoffed, partly because Aunty Lu is twice terrifying when she’s happy and Luhan looking for a boy sparks something that wouldn’t go unnoticed by the headmistress. Finally, her Xiao Lu joins the community! He’s a normal boy with normal hormone influx! Hurray!

 

“I’m tired of going to places. I’m sure people would be dying to get a kiss and date from you and Yixing—“

 

There was an imaginary cassette break there, car screeches to a stop, a pot of daisy dropping, and a nuclear explosion with some mushroom clouds effect.

 

“What in the mother —I thought it was your game! When did I sign up for this?!”

 

YIxing was sleeping and was completely oblivious of the killer eyes Tao was suffering from Luhan. No one defies the law.

 

“Only one person can have my lips and my time so I’ll have the both of you do the dirty job.” Luhan grinned sardonically and it was an endgame for Tao. What Luhan wants, Luhan gets. And if he wants them to deal with non-existent prizes, so be it. It was better that getting grounded for some dumb unreasonable reason. A day without Yixing is like a year without internet—it’s truly deadly.

 

“Fine!” Tao whined dejectedly. He watched Luhan pull his phone from his pocket and smile. Gosh, how he wish for the ending of this story already. Like can the writer just write something about Luhan and Sehun kissing and a big bold italicized The End at the bottom to lessen the drama because as of now, he just wanted to rest and snuggle with his small boyfriend.

 

“Get off me!! You tards—let me go!!!”

 

Oh Sehun was shoved inside the control room by some three ugly indescribable story extra. He yelped in pain as his hit the floor. “Luhan-ssi! We’ve caught Oh Sehun!” they all said in unison, ugly pimpled cheeks tinted with a blush. Ugh, and good thing Tao has to deal with them. Luhan has no passion for animals.

 

The blonde soccer player motioned Tao to handle them. He walked towards Sehun who was biting his lower lip so hard. He was so afraid of Luhan, good. He should be. “I knew it was you.” Luhan said without any expression, lightly picking some strands of Sehun’s obnoxiously colored locks. “Rainbow hair, huh?”

 

“L-Luhan-ssi, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again! I swear! It was a mistake, I’ll keep distance, I’ll move to Antarctica, I’ll have my face and name changed. I’ll—“

 

Luhan clamped his hand onto Sehun’s mouth to stop his blabbering. “MhMhfphphfffmhmhm—“

 

“Are you always this noisy?” Sehun swallowed hard the lump on his throat, Luhan is indeed terrifying. He was about to talk when Luhan silenced him again. “I’ve had a hard time looking for you, do you know that? But I’ve caught you now. You’re mine, Oh Sehun.” The same satanic laugh from the intercom boomed inside the room from somewhere.

 

And he was dragged away by the soccer player who was claiming him as his property.

 

The tall Chinese, Tao, sighed and glared at the boys who were craning their head to where Luhan and Sehun went through. He cleared his throat. “I guess I’ll be the one taking you out on a date.” He smiled and directly punches one of the boys. “But sorry, I have a boyfriend and you are all million miles away from my type.” And he punched the other two.

 

He took them to dreamland instead.

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

“L-Luhan-ssi… w-w-where are we going? Please, let me go. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, Luhan-ssi—“

 

Luhan halted and Sehun hit his chin at the back of Luhan’s head and it stung. Damn, he has a hard head… well, that explains everything. He won’t even bat an eyelash on Sehun’s pleas. “I don’t like noisy people. Better shut up or I’ll cut your tongue.” The younger release a sound similar to a kicked puppy and pouted as he nodded under Luhan’s piercing eyes. “Good.” The older again pulled him to nowhere.

 

Sehun found himself pushed down on a velvet couch in front of a middle aged woman sitting leisurely on a huge leather seat. There was a huge wooden table between him and the lady, who was looking at him intently and then back to Luhan. Something in her eyes shows interest.  The latter crossed his arms around his chest and snorted.

 

Lu Meilin, the bronze plate reads. Under it is an italicized… headmaster… written… Sehun thinks he needs to drink some cold water or better yet drown himself somewhere in the Arctic Ocean. First, he had a misunderstanding with Luhan which brought him to this silly arrangement run by iron fist and absolute terror. Second, he turned into a wanted person for two days and was hungrily chased by fangirls and fanboys even outside the school premises and forcefully dragged him to where Luhan is. Finally, at the very same day, he came face to face with the school’s tiger lady, Lu Meilin…

 

Lu… Luhan…

 

“Hey Xiao Lu, what I nice surprise! What brought you here—and who is this young thing?” there was the blinding smile.

 

“I’m marrying him, mom.” Keyword: mom. So this is his mother? No wonder, like mother like son. There’s no denying, the attitude itself tells him that they are blood related.

 

On the other hand, this is it. The lady perched her brows. Marrying? But her Luhan isn’t dating anyone… “He slept with me so he’s mine.” Oh.

 

“You mean, that boy took your V?” she gasps dramatically.

 

Luhan nodded. Sehun can feel his body turning into ashes and slowly drifting away. The ol