It was very unusual for Jinki to be in the library.

He hasn't been here since...
Since the time Kibum and him called it quits.

It's been months since he last been here, memories of him and Kibum start to appear inside his head as he set foot inside the library but he tries to shrug it away. Crying inside the library wasn't a great idea for him. As Jinki entered the library he realized nothing had seemed to change. The smell of old books still lingers, the cold air coming from the huge air condition that stood by the wall still fills the whole room and the grumpy librarian is never nice is still there being grumpy and grouchy at everyone. Yes, nothing had changed except the fact that now he's all alone.

Jinki sat at the table adjacent from the the place where him and Kibum used to sit and study. Well, the study part was mostly Jinki. Jinki remembered how Kibum would always bug him or try to capture his attention when he tries to study. The latter would find new ways to get Jinki's attention, sometimes he would tried to tickle Jinki, which would only cause for the older roaring in laughter and the grumpy librarian would come to their table and scold them. Sometimes Kibum would try to touch Jinki  n inappropriate places and that would make the older flush tomato red. Jinki will try to swat Kibum's hand away but Kibum would lean in and whisper in his ear "Kitty wants to play" and all of jinki's resistance would crumble away. He would put his books down and pull Kibum to the farthest corner of the library, where the old books are placed and nobody ever comes, even the grumpy old librarian.

And there were also times when their roles gets changed, Kibum would be the one deeply immersed in studying while Jinki would just stare and admire his boyfriend. The younger would look at him and smile, and Jinki would sigh of happiness thinking he's lucky to have Kibum in his life.

But that was before Jinki let his studies slowly drive Kibum away from him.

Jinki was a senior in college, it was only a matter of time until he graduate and continue on his dream of becoming a lawyer. Being a senior meant Jinki would be alot busier than before, at first Kibum understood and even supported his boyfriend. But all the papers, thesis, projects,debates just kept on coming that Jinki would forget little things like calling Kibum when he got home, their usual weekend dates or checking in on Kibum when he's sick. And as the time goes by, Jinki would also forget special events like greeting Kibum on his birthday and worse, even forgetting their anniversary.

Kibum was hurt but he tried to understand Jinki, he knew that the older was already in lot of pressure and him demanding some quality time with Jinki would only result in stressing the latter more. So, Kibum patiently waited for Jinki because he loved him, he love him so much that he was willing to wait for Jinki no matter how long it takes. Kibum made a silent promise that he'll not give up on Jinki. Ever. 

But if Kibum was motivated to hold on, Jinki sees it the other way. Jinki knew what he was doing was pretty unfair for Kibum, neglecting his boyfriend is not what Jinki wanted to do but he had no choice. His future is at stake and he couldn't afford any mistake, and he can't stand hurting Kibum. He always sees the hurt in the younger's eyes whenever Jinki would forget to call or cancel their dates. Jinki wouldn't forget how Kibum tried to smile even though he sees the dried tracks of tears in Kibum's cheeks when Jinki completely forgotten their anniversary. Jinki knew he doesn't deserve Kibum. Jinki knew that out there someone better is waiting for Kibum, and even though it hurts him to know the fact that it wasn't him, he mustered all his strength and called Kibum to meet him. He had decided to do the right thing. 

It was a cold winter night, the snow started to fall and everyone was snuggled up in their houses with thick blankets and a cup of hot chocolates to warm and secure them from the chilly wind that was blewing outside. Although through this tough weather, Jinki and Kibum are seated at the bench in the park. Kibum was pretty much  surprised by Jinki's sudden invitation for a walk in the park. 

They walked and talked as they stroll around the park just like the old times, but Kibum knew something was definitely off. Jinki was being quiet and the way he talk seemed to be guarded,  which only scared Kibum. He tried to loosen the tension by reaching for the older's hand but the latter just pulled it away, placing his hands inside his pocket. Kibum tried again and this time he was able to capture Jinki's hand in his, but the latter didn't intertwined they fingers like he usually does, he just smiled sadly at Kibum and let go of his hand.

Now, they were sitted side by side at there usual bench at the park.

After a few minutes of silence, Kibum was becoming restless so he decided to speak. 

"So.... what's with the sudden invitation to walk, Jinx?" Kibum tried to sound normal, but the he can't help but shake a little because of the cold of the weather and a little because of Jinki's coldness towards him. 

"We need to talk, Kibum" Jinki replied, looking down at his hands that were placed in his lap

"Talk about what?" 

"About us..." This time Jinki looked through Kibum's eyes, and the younger was suprised by the tears that now forming on Jinki's beautiful brown orbs 

Kibum knew was what going to happen next. He tried to push that thought away, but the way Jinki was acting towards him makes him worry.

"Jinki... No... I know where this is going, please don't" Kibum whispered through the air, his throat seemed to close when he tried to speak. 

"Kibum, this is for the best. I can't stand hurting you anymore. Let's face it i'm not the perfect boyfriend" 

"I dont need you to be perfect. I just need you to be here with me. I didn't gave up on you, please don't give up on me" Kibum pleaded, he didn't care how desperate he sounds he just don't want to lose Jinki. 

Jinki knew at this rate Kibum wouldn't let go but he needed Kibum to be happy, he knew someone else could make Kibum happy not him. Even though it was against his will, he told Kibum the best lie he could think of. 

"I just... I just don't love you anymore, Kibum" 

And that broke Kibum in to pieces, he couldn't utter a single word. His heart was beating fast and loud in his ears, his vision started to become blurry and his hands are tightly closed that veins starting to show. 

"Why Jinki.... Why are you doing this to me...?"  But as soon as he said those words he wanted to take them back. Kibum didn't want to know what Jinki's answer will be, he knew he tried his best and that moment he just felt really tired of all the things going on in their relationship.

So, before Jinki could utter a single word Kibum stood up, although his tears are making it hard to see and talk he faced Jinki one last time. 

"No, don't say anything. I did everything i could do, Jinki. I've been understanding and patient about you and you'll just hurt me? No. Starting today, I don't want anything to do with you. Goodbye, Jinki. I hope you''ll be happy." 

And with that Kibum finally walked out Jinki's life.

Jinki had forgotten how many times he stayed up late at night, wishing he didn't choose to let Kibum go. He wished that instead of giving up on their relationship, he wished he should've held on. But, he knew what he did was for Kibum. He wanted the younger to be happy and be loved by a person he deserves. 

And he did. 

Jinki didn't know what hurts the most, letting the love of your life go to make them happy or seeing them happy with somebody else. He had no clue, because all that Jinki knows is  that it really hurts. 

The day he saw Kibum walking hand in hand and smiling happily with somebody else was the day Jinki knew he had really lost Kibum. Jinki lost the only love of his life for his dreams. The latter had never been so angry with himself that he decided to not go to his classes and lock himself up in his dorm. Jinki ended up not attending a whole week of class until his professors, who were concerened with Jinki's well-fare mainly because he was a dean's lister, called his family to come and check up on Jinki. 

Few days after, he heard a knock on his door. Jinki was surprised to see his mother and younger brother, Taemin standing outside his door. 

Jinki felt the full range of his mother's anger, but when his mother saw that Jinki was not being responsive she gave up and said she'll head on out to buy stock of food for Jinki's empty pantry, which end up Jinki being alone with Taemin. 

Taemin, Jinki's younger brother was only a 2nd year High School Student. He and Jinki has a really close relationship, Jinki would always share personal things with Taemin and the younger would also do the same. Whenever Taemin has a problem, he would always confide to Jinki and whenever the older and Kibum would have their fair share of lover's quarrel, Jinki would always tell it to Taemin and the younger, although innocent with the aspect of love would try his best to give Jinki some advice. They share everthing with each other and knew one another like the back of their hands. They were not just brothers, they were best friends. 

So, when Taemin saw Jinki's current state he knew that this had to be something connected with Kibum. 

Taemin sat beside Jinki on the older's bed and decided to get it straight  to the point. 

"Do you want to tell me what happened to you and Kibum hyung or I'm just going to guess?" Taemin asked, eyeing his hyung closely 

Jinki let out a sigh, when he remembered how Kibum looked so happy holding that other guy's hand 

"Kibum and I broke up and now he's happy with somebody else." Jinki couldn't stop the tear the escaped from the corner of his eye. 

Taemin couldn't believe what he heard. He knew that Jinki and Kibum were never really the perfect couple, they would fight and bicker all the time but Taemin knew that deep down inside they both love each other, so hearing that they broke really came in a shock for him. He really did like Kibum for his brother. 

Taemin put an arm around his hyung's shoulder and the older just leaned against him and cried on his shoulder. Taemin just let Jinki cry  and when the latter seemed to calm down, Jinki told Taemin the whole story. 

When Jinki finished, Taemin was shocked, disappointed and saddned by his older brother's tragic love life. Surprisingly, on the other hand Jinki felt slightly better after telling all Taemin about what he was going through. 

Jinki looked at his brother and said, "Taemin-ah, what do think I should do?" 

Taemin seemed to think a few minutes and looked back at his hyung. 

"Well, I think you should get up from bed, take a bath, eat your food and fix yourself."

"So, you're suggesting I should try and take Kibum back?" Jinki looked questionly at Taemin 

"No, I don't" 

"Then why-" Before Jinki could finish, Taemin cut him off. 

"What I'm suggesting is that you should stop moping and crying and start fixing yourself. You chose this right? You did this for Kibum-hyung and your sake. To be honest, I really wanted Kibum hyung for you and I think what you did was really stupid. But you wanted him to be happy right? and he did. Now, take your part of the bargain. Stop moping and start going to class. You're a senior now hyung! Stop wasting time, you've went through four years for this. Don't waste all your hard work. Don't waste the pain you and Kibum hyung went through." Taemin looked directly to Jinki eyes, Jinki felt the younger was looking through his soul. "Hyung, all I'm saying is, you've already lost the love of your life, please don't try to lose your dream." 

Everything Taemin had said pierced Jinki's heart. He knew everything that Taemin had said was right. He was going to make the pain he and Kibum went through be worth it. 

Jinki reached for Taemin and hugged the latter.  "Thanks, Taem."

Taemin hugged back and smiled "Anytime, hyung. Anytime."

After his mother and Taemin’s visit,  Jinki started to going to class again. His workload was full but Jinki accepted the consequences of his action, just like how he accepted that Kibum was not a part of his life anymore.

After months of hard work, he finally got the fruits of his labor. Jinki graduate from college with honours and he was accepted at Harvard Law. His family is really proud of him. And Jinki can’t help but feel excited as he starts his knew life.

Through the past months, Jinki started to accept the fact that Kibum is not a part of his life anymore, but he won’t deny the fact that his heart still yearns for the younger. Jinki was at his dorm to pack his things and get ready to move out, but before he leaves he decided to go to a place he hadn’t gone to a long time.

After staring at the table that Jinki once called him and Kibum’s table he stood up and approached it.

This table held thousands of memories for him and Kibum. Jinki pulled its chair and sat down on it, he really felt alone for this is the first time for he was used to feel Kibum flushed against his side.

Before, he and Kibum used to write on this very table. They used to write sweet nothings just to distract or playfully flirt or tease each other. 

Jinki saw their old messages around the table, "I love you yeonggammie~" "Kibeom's so pretty", "Jinki <3 Kibum forever" 

Tears started to flow from Jinki's eyes, they looked so happy before why did Jinki have to be stupid and end it all? Jinki knew that he'll never return to this place ever again so he decided to take his pen and write the last words he really wanted Kibum to know. 

"I just wanted you to be happy, you deserve to be. I'm sorry. I still love you." 

And with that Jinki left the confines of the library with the plan of never returning and starting a new life. 

It's that time of the year again where every student in the university is busy cramming all the knowledge they could fit inside their minds. It's the time for their preliminary examinations. 

But unlike everyone, Kibum on the other hand was not a panicking mess. He had already studied a week earlier, he did his notes and memorize every single detail he needed memorize. Kibum felt that he was absolutely ready to take the test, he really wanted to unwind and relax his mind before his exam but he finds himself standing in front of the library. 

Kibum's  best friend, Jonghyun wanted to meet up with him in the library, he was asked by the older to tutor him on a subjectbthey have together. And Kibum being the kind person he is, agreed even though he absolutely avoided the library. 

It was not because Kibum hate studying or reading book, in fact he is a nerd (but a very stylish nerd) and a book worm. It's just that whenever he's in the library, Jinki is all that he could think about. He decided not to think about Jinki, because the latter is already gone. Jinki had graduated a year before and Kibum's on his senior year, just a few months away from finally fleeing that college and live his dreams. And thinking about Jinki would only make his heart hurt, he's still inlove with Jinki but he chose not to acwknowlege or admit it.  So, he tried his best to not think of the older, he kept his mind preoccupied about the part of their lesson that Jonghyun was asking about. 

The library was full of students studying, Kibum tried to find a vacant table where he could sit for a moment while waiting for Jonghyun to come. He walked around the library, searching for a vacant table but he couldn't seem to find one amongst the sea of student. Kibum walked a little further by the back, and as if the world is conspiring to make him remember what he wanted to forget, the only vacant table he saw was him and Jinki's old table. 

Kibum hesitated but eventually gave up, he walked towards the table and think twice before sitting. It was weird sitting alone, he was so used to have Jinki beside him whenever he sit at this table.

Kibum decided not to think too much and just start reading. He took out his book and let the words immerse him and take his mind of the longing feeling he now felt in his heart. 

After a few moments of reading, Kibum set his book down and let his head fall down the table. He was calming his mind when he saw it. 

It took him a few minutes to understand what it said bacause the ink seemed to fade, the writing was smudged but still readable. He sat properly and let his eyes focus on the writing. 

"I just wanted you to be happy, you deserve to be. I'm sorry. I still love you"  

Kibum was shocked, he knew who owned that hand writing. He knew who would write something like that on this particular table. He knew that, that note was intended for him. He knew it has to be Jinki. 

He read the note again and again, he can't believe what was happening. It's almost been a year since Jinki graduated, the older had probably moved on but now Kibum was having a mental break down. He can't believe that after all those time, Jinki broke their relationship for him. Jinki broke their relationship just to make Kibum happy, but the older didn’t understood the only way Kibum could be happy is when he is with Jinki.  

It was too much for Kibum to take, tears were starting to form in his eyes, to hide his tears from the people sitting closely beside him he once again let his head down, and let silent tears fall from his face. 

After calming down, he sat straight again and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Luckily, the students sitting beside him left leaving Kibum alone with his thoughts.

Kibum remembered the time when he and Jinki were still happy to the time Jinki decided to break his heart. Whe Jinki broke up with Kibum, the latter felt that his life has lost its meaning. For him, he became useless. It took him more than a week to finally pick himself up and start his life again, he tried his best to act normal and not show how hurt he is. The once active, energetic and always happy Kibum turned into a silent one, everyone was shocked by his sudden change nobody wanted to go near him because of the dark aura he seems to carry ever since he’d lost Jinki.

There were people who tried to reach out to him, but Kibum just shut them out of his life. He believed he doesn’t need them, he needed Jinki. Rumours and issues kept flying everywhere about him and Jinki, their relationship was no secret from the university, so when the people confirmed they broke up rumours like started to scatter. There where speculations that Jinki turned straight and got a girlfriend so he dumped Kibum or Jinki got tired of Kibum and left him to look for another. And the worse Jinki doesn’t even care, he didn’t care about the way Kibum was hurting.

Because of the rumours and the pain he’s been enduring Kibum escaped the grounds of their university by going to their building’s rooftop. It’d become his hiding place, for a mean time it had become his safe  haven, away from those hurtful words and the guy who took his heart and broke them to little pieces. It had also been the place where he met Jonghyun.

Jonghyun was a music major, he and Kibum had classes together before. Kibum couldn’t remember much about Jonghyun except that the latter was a really good singer. After all those times of meeting at the rooftop he and Kibum became really good friends, when Kibum felt like crying Jonghyun would always let him cry on his shoulder while the older would sing just to calm Kibum.

Kibum thought that maybe Jonghyun could heal his broken heart so they both took a shot. They tried being on a relationship and it only lasted for a month until, Kibum broke it off. Kibum believed that he and Jonghyun could be great friends but they couldn’t be lovers, the spark he had with Jinki wasn’t there. Luckily, Jonghyun was very understanding and accepted that he and Kibum should just remain good friends. Instead of falling apart, Jonghyun and Kibum became best of friends and ever since that incident they became inseparable.

After all those time, Kibum couldn’t deny that his heart still belongs to Jinki. Kibum wouldn’t deny that he somehow hated Jinki, but he would not disregard the love he still had for Jinki. His heart years for Jinki's voice, face, kisses, hugs. He heart years for Jinki. Kibum knew that Jinki was the one, he was the one he'll marry. Jinki was his one true love, they had a happy relationship. 

It’s just sad that it all had to end.

While tears were once running down his cheeks, Kibum took out his pen and stared at thw words he knew that will haunt him for a long time. He decided that it is the time when he finally admits his true feelings, so he placed the pen against the cold wooden table and wrote words that he knew Jinki would never ever see. 

  "I could only be happy with you. I still love you too. You're still the one." 

A/N : YOU PROBABLY HATE ME RIGHT NOW. I AM REALLY SORRY ;;;;A;;;; I'm sorry it took so long, I was so busy with school and I had little time to continue this. I still have exams on monday T.T  I'm sorry i'm such a lousy writer orz. I'm sorrrrryyyyyy please forgive me. 3Please leave a comment or anything, I need your thoughts about this and my writing. 

Well anyway, thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed this.