There was never an easy way to go about this. 

It happened like clockwork, annually. Heechul would drown himself in his own sorrow and several bottles of alcohol. There was nothing else to do. The other members gave up trying to get him to stop this habit of his, and no one mentioned anything the day after. 

It felt like dying, sitting on the floor with several soju bottles littered around him. Either half full or empty. He lost count after the 5th. His usually silky hair was a mess and he wouldn't be surprised if he had tear stains on his cheeks. In the corner of his eyes he saw the photo album he had pushed away and hour ago, right before he curled up against a pillow. 

It was of them. 

Him. 

Every memory captured ever, was in that album. From official photos, to selca's and even fan taken pictures. It disgusted him. One man had the power to both build him up and tear him down. Old songs ran on repeat off Heechul's phone and even though it hurt just to hear his voice, he couldn't bring himself to turn it off. 

It hurt. 

Maybe that's why some people say love is the worst thing that can happen to you. It turns you into something completely other then yourself. Heechul finally understood that. He took another swing from the bottle in his hand and shakily stood up. 

He picked up the disregarded album and stared at one picture in particular. Their first kiss. 

Back then he had semi long hair, black. And so did he. He could feel the urge to break down once again clawing its way up his body as he closed the album and threw it onto the couch. 

Leetuek had once called him out on this once a year habit he had. And after that, they had never discussed it again. 

"Self destruction."

Heechul smiled, but it came out crooked. He isn't so wrong about that. 

Sangsanghan su eobseo neoreul ilhneundaneun geot 
Nega eobsi saraganeun salmiran geot
Isunganeun kieokhalkke maengsehalkke 
Neol cheoeumcheoreom baraboneun haebaraki boy

It was hard to breathe. He didn't realise that this song was playing off his phone. He questioned why he even had it at this point. He hated it. Heechul turned back to turn it off and almost succeeded in tripping over one of the many soju bottles. 

The room became eerily quiet and it got even harder to breathe in the silence. In the haste of every emotional breakdown he ever went through, he had never resulted to shaking. Which is exactly what he was doing as he unconsciously typed in the only number he knew by heart. 

He had only realised he was holding his breath once the phone finally picked up. 

"Heechul?"

The chains around his heart broke away. He could breathe again. 

__________________________________________________

please. Just ignore me. 

I have too many Hanchul feels and listening to 'It's You' and 'Sorry Sorry Answer' does not help in any way ㅠ.ㅠ