Hanbin thought that maybe he was ed the first time his breath got caught in his throat upon seeing Bobby happily laughing with a girl trainee.  When YG revealed they were collaborating with girls he felt excited, but now that he was being forced to see how happy Bobby looked to finally be able to spend time with girls, it was proving to be a little bit harder than what he thought.

            It’s not like he expects any type of feelings back, he doesn’t wish for Bobby to know about how his heart picks up ten fold when he smiles so hard his eyes almost disappear. He doesn’t want him to know that the reason he yells at him to put a shirt on when practicing is because he can’t focus properly. Bobby doesn’t need to know any of this, especially when he himself can’t quite say what is going on.

--

            There was one time where they were all bundled up in the living room, chatting and laughing and just enjoying a good night’s rest and since boys will be boys, the conversation about girls came up. At that time, Hanbin wished with all his heart that Bobby wouldn’t answer, that he would just laugh his little soft laugh and just shrug, say he didn’t think much about those things and let the others laugh at him. But things don’t go like that. The things he wishes to the stars never come true and so it happens Bobby had a lot to say.

            He never mentioned names but that wasn’t necessary, they all knew of whom he was talking about. He talked about how she was interesting, funny, small and cute but also confident and that that made him feel very attracted to her. The boy’s mocked him for sounding like a 14 year old high school boy who just found his first crush but the mocking was short lived and quickly replaced with encouraging shouts, mostly from Jinhwan and Junhoe, but still, the smile on Bobby’s face was blinding. So much so Hanbin’s chest felt on fire.

            Amongst all the chatter someone very loudly pointed out the glazed look on Hanbin’s eyes and suddenly almost everyone was staring, Bobby was to busy showing something to Jinhwan on his phone, so it was easy to pretend to show a confused look and just say he is tired and the noise was giving him a headache.

In the end Hanbin got his pillow, ignored the annoyed sound Junhoe made and left for his room, where the silence was much appreciated, even though they were still causing a ruckus outside the door.

            In the darkness Hanbin’s mind wandered to Bobby’s toothy smile and to where he went wrong. How come along the way, in between dance practices, busy schedules and eating the same things everyday, his feelings for his friend where no longer the same. He wonders if there is no one out there that will ease him out of this spiral of feeling uncomfortable and uneasy, because he can no longer touch Bobby’s skin without lingering for too long; he can’t sleep well because the sleeping figure next to him is being victim of a fantasy that isn’t right.

            Hanbin remembers falling asleep to the sound of a familiar laugh, he remembers dreaming of Bobby coming into the room and cuddling up to him, chanting over and over again he was sorry for causing him pain. And he remembers that when he woke up the next morning, Bobby wasn’t there, his sheets weren’t covering him and his chest felt incredibly cold. The pang of disappointment that came after every dream like that making his throat constrict painfully, but in the end this was nothing new.

--

            After mix and match was done and all the cameras were removed from their apartment, Jinhwan decided to buy them some alcohol with the help of the manager, that agreed it would be healthy for them to have a drink from time to time, even though they are young.  The three younger boys were forbidden of touching any of it but that didn’t stop the others from enjoying it. Thinking back to that day, Jinhwan’s idea couldn’t have had a worst outcome; For Hanbin that is. Jinhwan had laughed so much, mostly because of Junhoe’s annoyed remarks, his throat was sore the morning after.

            Hanbin was wobbling to his room and about to fall when Bobby caught his weight, causing the younger one to laugh, as if being about to fall from drinking too much was something funny. Hanbin can’t quite remember how he got into bed or how and why Bobby laid down next to him, he can’t quite get himself to remember who had told him that maybe now would be a good time to confess but even now he blames the alcohol and the smell of Bobby’s hair so close to him. He blames how soft his voice was when he was telling him to calm down and just go to sleep and above all he blames the way Bobby still took care of him, even after he had made brutal attempts to create distance between them.

            As soon as the words leave his mouth he knows he’s ed but what proved to be hurtful almost to the point of tears was the way Bobby immediately backed out of his touch, the way Bobby jumped out of his reach and yelled a very clear, “what the Hanbin?”. At the time Hanbin stood still, eyes glued to Bobby’s confused face and when he left, Hanbin laughed; he laughed and laughed until the laughter slowly turn into hot tears stream down his face and violent hiccups threatened his capability to breathe normally. Hanbin laughed until his eyes burned and his tongue could only taste salt and when he could no longer keep them open, Hanbin gave in to the darkness and blissfulness of sleep.

            When morning came he thought maybe it was all a nightmare, maybe it was one more of those dreams where he’ll wake up and everything will be normal. Bobby’s attitude told him otherwise. Of course the dreams where Bobby was happily laying down with him weren’t true, but the one, the only one where he s up is. Bobby was preparing breakfast alone in the kitchen when he walked in. The second Hanbin opened his mouth to say something Bobby told him to shut up. It would be a lie to say it didn’t hurt but Hanbin decided to play it from another angle and laughed, ignoring how Bobby’s body jerked when he patted him on the shoulder.

“Hey you know I was joking right?” He paused and waited for Bobby to, finally, look his way, before continuing in a soft voice, “I mean, I do like you, of course, you’re my best friend. I may have made it seem weird yesterday but I was hammered man…” he trails off when he sees the look of relief in his best friends face, a little smile growing.

            Bobby laughs out a “yeah me too” and Hanbin tries so hard to focus on the fact that Bobby seems relieved and ready to believe his words, instead of focusing on how much that actually pains him.

--

            Weeks from that day, when everything has gotten back to normal, Hanbin watches his best friend leave their training room and once he’s gone, Jinhwan makes use of his big mouth and tells them that Bobby and that girl he had talked about are dating, that they have been for a while but he wasn’t confident enough in the relationship to tell them about it. Hanbin’s heart clenches but his face is smiling, so the others never take notice. When Bobby comes back and they all congratulate him, his eyes linger a little longer on Hanbin’s because for some reason, the face his best friend is making reminds him of some other occasion he can’t quite remember.

            Hanbin wonders if maybe in another universe Bobby could’ve loved him the same way he does; if maybe in some other very different universe he was a petit, long haired girl, Bobby would’ve fallen for him and his difficult personality, call him interesting and confident and smile that blinding smile while adoring him. He wonders if maybe he hadn’t been born Hanbin, would he have any chances of feeling those soft lips and hear that soft voice at night. But this is not an alternative universe, in this universe Hanbin is just Bobby’s band mate, he is just his roommate, someone he shares a career path with. Hanbin is just Bobby’s best friend.

Okay soooo do I say Hanbin and Bobby too much?? >.> I just... really love their names TT

Also I know this is probably laking but I wrote this at 2am because I really had to get it out of my system!!!
so please be gentle!!

Hope you enjoy!! And thank you for reading! <3