*** *** *** 

Today is supposed to be like most days. Filled with interviews and variety shows to attend. 

But for some odd reason, all scheduled activities are cancelled. At least, for the next 6 hours, one of their manager hyungs gleefully announces in their dressing room. 

Sehun looks around the room and all of s start fidgeting from their seats excitedly. He feels a headache forming. 

He was looking forward to a day of monotony. A 'free and easy' day isn't exactly something the young man was expecting entirely. 

"Really?!" 

"Let's go out and eat hotpot!" 

"Can't we just sleep?" 

"Yah! You've slept so much last night, but you're eyes are actually puffier." 

Tao gasps and grabs the nearest mirror from his seat. "NO WAY! I made sure I had a facial mask on before I slept."

He wails as he lightly taps on what now has become plump eye bags. "The packaging said 'Ultimate Relaxer'!" 

Baekhyun laughs out loud. "Seriously, Tao? How much did you spend on that? I propose a refund!" 

"I didn't spend a won! Joon hyung gave me money." Tao sniffles, referring to one of the staff who 'lent' him money. "What a waste." 

Sehun let out a sigh of exasperation, but quickly reigns it in when Jonging gives him a pointed look. 

He mouthes "sorry" and forces a smile. It isn't about Tao. He just feels exhausted. Lately he's been finding it increasingly difficult keeping his spirits up. 

"Let's take this time to rest a bit. Let's go back to our dorms." 

Suho sits up and circles the room, attempting to herd the rowdy boys like a nagging sheepdog. Sehun contemplates on how he can help his hyung, but Chanyeol is already at their leader's heels, rounding up the group. 

He sees Lay and Chen then exchange knowing looks. The pair makes a beeline from Tao and Xiumin, who were conveniently beside each other on a coach by the door. They take a member each and drag them out of the dressing room. 

And somehow, in the chaos of all that herding, everyone is successfully flushed out of the room except for Sehun. 

He silently fumes as he waits for a few seconds in the room. Alone. But no one comes back for him. He shakes his head as he walks towards the door, thinking that if a certain someone were here, he would have someone to happily skip out of the dressing room with. 

 

*** *** *** 

 

"But he is GONE, Sehunnie." Jongin says in between at his strawberry ice cream cone. 

Sehun doesn't reply and instead he stabs his ice cold treat with a plastic spoon angrily.

Sehun wanted bubble tea, but Jongin was the only person willing to go out with him in the middle of the afternoon and he, unfortunately, didn't want bubble tea. Well, boohoo to him. So he ended up with a hot fudge sundae. He can deal.

"Dude, just get over it. Luhan made his decision and that's it." Jongin continues, now trying to the bottom of his cone. He yelps and jumps back when a trail of gooey cream dribbles down and splatters on the ground, nearly landing on the dancer's black chucks. 

The balmy weather's been relentless; it even melts their ice cream faster than it normally would. Sehun knows this because he's been in these ice cream trips with Jongin before and it does NOT take literally seconds for the great Kai to start sloberring all over his cone, like what he is doing now. 

Sehun looks at his friend with a combination of disgust and dismay.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Meet the charismatic dancing machine, Kai. 

He bows to his silent audience. 

Jongin starts shouting expletives as he accidentally drops his cone on the ground. 

Sehun rolls his eyes. Thank goodness no one is around to witness the dancer's breakdown. He throws his cup in the nearest trash bin and tugs at the hem of Jongin's shirt. 

"Let's go. Stop glaring at the pavement."

He very much would like to disappear and curl up in bed right now. 

*** *** *** 

A few weeks before.. 

"Tian mi mi..." 

A soft voice floats in the air, waking Sehun up from slumber. 

"Oh, sorry Sehunnie. Did I wake you?" Luhan asks while sitting cross-legged on his bed from across the room, a gentle smile on his face. 

"No hyung, it's ok." He mumbles, feeling a rush of heat creeping up his face. He wonders how Luhan so early in the morning (with his plain white tee and cut-off jeans, bare face and blonde hair all poofy) looks extremely enticing. 

He burrows into his pillow to hide the blush. He really shouldn't be using the word enticing to describe his roommate. What if Jongin starts thinking of him that way? 

Ewww.... He almost pukes in his mouth. 

He is blaming proximity and hormones. That's it. Science, folks. That's all there is to it. 

"It's relaxing, actually." He manages to croak from his pillow. The song is still playing in the background.. He finds the acoustic sound of the guitar is quite soothing. 

"Is it?" Luhan's voice sounds unsure, like he's waiting for Sehun to say something else. 

He lifts his face from his pillow and tries to smile at the older boy. "Yep, I don't mind at all." When Luhan smiles, Sehun's heart soars and he finds himself asking."Is that Mandarin?" 

Luhan nods. "It is. Quite a classic, back home. Lyrics are spot on. Very simple... and the melody is pretty." 

Sehun makes a mental note to research the song. "I like it. It's almost like a lullaby." 

His roommate his head to the side as he considers the maknae's words.

He can see that Luhan wants to say something and for the life of him, he finds himself holding his breath. Luhan shakes his  head ever so slightly, as if battling with his own thoughts. 

Sehun is tempted to ask if anything's wrong. But Luhan then gazes at him with his warm, doe-like eyes and the words forming in his throat get stuck. He gulps. Oh Sehun, don't say anything. Shut up and put your poker face on. POKER FACE, DAMMIT. 

There's something different about Luhan's smile now. Like he has a secret that Sehun will never figure out.  

Luhan finally breaks the silence. 

"It is, isn't it?" 

 

End of flashback.

*** *** *** 

 

The maknae sulks in his room. It's already past 11pm and he cannot sleep a wink. He considers getting up to sneak out and dance his anxiety away in one of SMs practice rooms, but gives up on that plan. He doesn't want to risk being followed by stalkers, and he is not sure how he'd react to one (or a group of them) should he be cornered in transit. 

Sehun stands up instead and paces around his room. 

He glances at the other side of the room and notes the empty bed. 

It has been more than a week since the announcement of Luhan's departure from EXO. Nobody has bothered to change the sleeping arrangements of the group just yet, so he has the room all to himself.

It may seem like a premium, to occupy a room alone. But when you've been used to having company 24/7, solitary confinement does things to a person. Luhan's absence gives Sehun an awful sense of imbalance. 

So being alone in this room... having to deal with the loneliness that is suddenly eating up his insides.. is quite maddening. 

He pounds at his chest. What is the matter with him? What is with all these... feelings? 

"Sehun?" A sleepy head appears from the door he left ajar. 

Jongin enters the room and plops on the empty bed that was Luhan's and yawns. "Still moody?" 

Sehun drops his hands to his side and stops pacing, his eyebrows scrunched up. "Eh?" 

"You've been moody all day." Jonging whines quietly as he grabs the one lone pillow on the bed. He hugs it tightly. "I miss him too, y'know." 

His expression softens as he sits beside Jongin. "Sorry, Jonginnie. I..." 

He stops mid sentence when he notices something shiny right where Luhan's pillow was earlier. He picks it up. 

"What is it?" Jongin rubs his eyes and leans his head onto Sehun's shoulder, yawning. 

It's a CD case. The cover has Luhan's unmistakeable handwriting. It says "A lullaby for my maknae :)".

His grip on the case tightens. 

"Just a CD, Jongie."

Sehun feels the other slide from his shoulder and into the bed. It doesn't take long for him to hear Jongin snoring softly. He shakes his head and tries to stifle a smile as he covers his friend with a blanket and gets up. He walks over to his side of the room and starts his laptop.

He plugs his earphones, drumming his fingers along the ridges of the keyboard anxiously.

He opens the case and finds a yellow sticky note on the CD. 

It reads: 

For the times you cannot sleep and I am not there. Hmm.. I'll miss our morning bubble tea runs, Sehunnie :( maybe Jongin can sub for me?? Anyhoo... Good night! See you in dreamlaaaand~~ Chin up and SMILE, ok? <3"

Sappy idiot! He thinks as he sticks the note on the upper right corner of his screen. He feels like his heart is about to burst any moment now. 

When his monitor lights up, he inserts the disc and quickly opens a music player. When the song plays and Luhan's soothing voice starts, he notices that there are subtitles on the screen. 

As sweet as honey
Your smile is as sweet as honey

Just like the way flowers bloom
In the spring breeze

I wonder where on earth
Where on earth have I seen you? 

Your smile is so familiar to me
But I still cannot remember where 

Ah, in my dreams! 
In my dreams, I've met you

With your smile that is so sweet 
So sweet as honey

It is you
It is you, 
The one I saw
In my dreams. 

As the song ends, he grabs the yellow sticky note and his eyes focus on one particular line.

"See you in dreamlaaaand~~"

His heart breaks just a little. But he presses on Play again.  

 

*** *** *** 

 

lulu : finally listened to my cd? kekeke

sehun : i hate you. 

lulu : no you don't. 

sehun : why am i even talking to you? you're acting like... hmp.

lulu : coz you missed me. 

sehun : .... 

lulu : and quite frankly, i missed you too. 

sehun : .................

lulu : and i still miss you. 

lulu : i'm sorry that things are a bit complicated right now. i... me leaving doesn't change the fact that i care for you. 

Sehun stares at his phone. 

lulu : sehunnie? 

lulu: do you wanna talk another time? 

Sehun starts typing on his phone. Quite furiously too. 

sehun : no. 

sehun : now is ok. 

sehun : i knew you were leaving.. you did tell us! BUT

sehun : but you didn't even say good bye to me before you actually did. 

sehun: i just found myself alone in the room. you were gone. you did say you were going, but you never said when. i hate you. 

lulu : sehunnie.. im sorry.. 

sehun : you're just like kris. even if you gave us a head's up, you didn't even say bye. to me. you balls. ihateyouihateyouihateyou. 

:((((((((((((((((((((((((

lulu : pick up your phone. i'll call you. 

sehun : ok. but i still hate you. 

*** *** *** 

 

"Hello?" 

"Sehunnie?" 

"Hey..." 

"Do you hate me?" 

YES I DO YOU IDIOT OF A HYUNG WHAT ARE YOU??? But he ends up saying : "I miss you more... more.. than hate, really. I can't hate you." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Mhmmm.. I can't blame you, ge." He pauses. He's not sure why he switches to "ge" instead of "hyung", but he likes how the word rolls off his tongue. He's not sure if he's saying the right things anymore. Or if he should even care if he makes sense. Even though he has been feeling quite frustrated the past couple of weeks, hearing Luhan's voice now is... calming.

He continues: "Everyone of us deserves a shot at something better... eventually." 

He hears a slight sniffle on the other end of the line, but he doesn't call it out. Instead - 

"But you could have said good bye, y'know? During your last night..."

He hears Luhan take a deep breath. 

"I don't think I would have been able to leave if I saw you Sehunnie.."

It's his turn for an intake of breath. WHAT. 

"What do you mean??" 

Luhan laughs shyly, "Do I really need to spell it out for you?" 

Oh. 

He blinks and stares at ceiling of his room. 

"You like me?" 

"Y.E.S." 

"Really, English, ge?"

Even though he is teasing the older man (manly man!) about his superior English skills, he cannot deny the warm and fuzzy feeling that starts to spread in his chest because of this confession. It's different when something is confirmed rather than assumed. 

As their laughter fades, Sehun mumbles, "I think I feel the same." 

"Think?" 

He blushes. "You know what I mean." 

"Fine.. Fine..."

.......... 

 

"I know... I know you probably are just trying to make the most of what there is." 

"Sehunnie... thank you."

They talk on the phone for what seems like hours. Promises of meeting up when the time is right are exchanged. Sehun holds back though when Luhan asks him if there's anything at all in his mind that he wants to say, to just say it. 

He feels like it would be words he needs to say in person. Things like: "Ge.. let's go and take a vacation. Just the two of us." or "I'd really like to kiss you right now. I am so gay for you." *buing*buing* (He cringes on the second one though.)

So instead he says, "Maybe when our circumstances permit it, ge."

Luhan laughs softly at his odd word choice. "Circumstances..." he echoes, but thankfully doesn't press the maknae any further. 

"Talk to you soon?" 

"Yeah soon, Sehunnie." 

"Good night." 

"Good night, ge." 

"Sleep well~" 

"You too.."

"Set your alarm ok?" 

"I already did. You too, ok?" 

"Mhmmm.." 

"Shouldn't we be hanging up?" 

"Uh, yeah. Good night, Sehunnie." 

"Actually, it's supposed to be 'good morning', but whatevs. I'm hanging uppp~ wo ai ni, ge. kthnxbai." 

"HEYY~"

He quickly presses on the red button to hang up. He grins. Coz he knows Luhan will not allow a conversation to end so abruptly. 

He hears his phone beep. When he reads Luhan's text he laughs out loud. 

........

Sehun thinks about the times when Luhan joined the celebrity football matches... the glow that the older man exuded everytime he's in the pitch. 

Luhan is charismatic on stage. He can dance well and he can carry a tune. He also has a face that literally makes people want to take care of him. The perfect endorser for anything and everything under the sun. 

But Luhan belongs in the pitch. Sehun only had to witness one match to realize where the elder's real passion lies. His heart aches for Luhan - because his celebrity status now makes it more challenging to pursue that dream. The whole of China just basically opened it's arms to welcome him back (home), as an entertainer. A singer/actor. Not a football player. 

He looks down at his phone's wallpaper. It's him and Luhan laughing. Jongin took this picture when they snuck out for a midnight snack during their Growl days. 

He traces a finger over the image as his face breaks into a soft smile. 

As for him, he's not sure what his own dream really is. He is living a dream now, if he is being honest with himself. He is just not sure if this is what he wants in the long term. One can't be an idol forever. He'd have to choose, eventually. 

But one thing he is sure of is his wanting to be involved in Luhan's happiness. 

And he's ok with that, for now. 

 

*** *** *** 

 

After Sehun hangs up, Luhan quickly types something in his phone and sends it to him. 

lulu : why you insolent maknae! D:<

lulu : wo ai ni. gnyt gmorning. don't reply anymore. 

He trains his gaze at the view outside. The Beijing skyline looks magnificent, even if it is still pretty early in the morning. 

He wonders how long it would take for things to settle down - if it ever will. If what he's feeling for the maknae will fade...But he knows that whatever the situation is right now, Sehun supports him. 

He manages a grin as he outlines a smiley face on his hotel window. 

Knowing that Sehun - the brat - gets him.. like really, truly gets him is more than he can ever ask for. Or ask anyone of, for that matter.

And although the(ir) future is filled with uncertainty, Luhan is ok with it. 

For now. 

 

*** *** *** 

Fini (OMGGG!!)

thoughts?? ^^

 

 

a/n : lyrics quoted above is from luhan's remake of an old school mandarin song, 'tian mi mi'.. the eng trans of lyrics swiped from:

http://lyrics.kashigasa.com/post/110312309970/luhan-tian-mi-mi-lyrics-english-romanized 

^^