Let’s Carry the World Together

It was an unspoken rule in the dorm. No one was to talk about it. No one was allowed to even breathe a word of it. What was the point? Everyone knew how bad things were. It was unnecessary to bring it up.

However, Hyukjae, being the brat that he was, decided to ignore this on a day that was more sensitive than others. He opened the computer in the living room, wanting to read the news for himself. As he was going through the article, Ryeowook had passed by, glanced at the screen nonchalantly and caught the headline. Hyukjae, noticing a shadow cast on the computer, looked up. Without missing a beat, he reached for the monitor switch.

But it was too late. The magnae had already seen it and unwillingly confirmed the reports.

“Wook,” Hyukjae began, standing up and turning to him. He turned to me guiltily, asking for my assistance. I merely raised an eyebrow at him and crossed my arms across my chest, showing him that I wasn’t going to lift a finger to help him. “Wook,” he repeated, holding the younger member’s arm.

Ryeowook shoved his arm away and ran out of the dorm.

Jongwoon and Sungmin then walked in, exchanging a confused look at the magnae who ran past them, his hands covering his face.

“What’s gotten into him?” Sungmin asked, trying to call him back.

“Why don’t you ask this monkey?” I jeered, nodding my heads towards the boy beside the computer.

Hyukjae shifted uncomfortably on the space he was standing on. It didn’t take long for the two other boys to add Hyukjae, the computer and Ryeowook together. Sungmin gasped sharply.

“Hyuk, you didn’t,” Sungmin pressed, hoping that his assumption was wrong. The member in question stared at the ground.

“You better prepare yourself for Jungsoo hyung,” Jongwoon indifferently announced, walking to his room. “I think we could guess where Ryeowook went.” Jungsoo had advised everyone to come talk to him whenever they were bothered about the issues.

I stiffened my stance as Jungsoo’s name was brought into the conversation. “Hyukjae, you better apologize profusely,” I ordered bitingly. Jungsoo really didn’t need this additional stress. He had enough on his plate without the members dumping their on him.

Hyukjae lifted his head and gave me a defiant look. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hyuk,” Sungmin chided, glancing at me uncertainly. He knew how I got mad. Everyone knew that it wasn’t a pretty sight. “Stop it.”

“I’m not going to stop,” Hyukjae defied, raising his voice. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” he repeated with much more force, staring straight at me.

“What’s going on here?”

Because of Hyukjae’s yelling, no one had noticed Jungsoo walk in with his arms around the magnae. Ryeowook was crying like a baby. The leader whispered some words to him, which made the magnae nod and walk in his room. He then turned to all of us. He looked at Hyukjae, then at Sungmin, then at me.

“You know you’re not supposed to show stuff like that to the younger ones,” Jungsoo finally stated, his eyes settling on Hyukjae. “You know how hurt they get.”

“They’re not babies, hyung,” Hyukjae retorted as respectfully as he could. “We’re all adults here.”

“I know you’re all adults,” Jungsoo calmly acquiesced. “But just because one is an adult doesn’t mean that they know how to handle such things. They’re not ready. You should know better.”

“I actually do know better,” Hyukjae shot back, his eyes blazing with a sudden anger. He clenched and unclenched his fists. “I know better than anyone what’s going on because, at least, I have the decency to find out. I read and I ask. No one here bothers to do any of that!”

“You better watch your mouth,” I snapped, glaring at him. I glanced at Jungsoo. I could tell that he was hurt. His eyes said it all.

“It’s the truth, isn’t it?” Hyukjae went on forcefully. “No one here even cares anymore! We’re all just going through our schedules like nothing’s wrong. We’re all just pretending that everything’s okay when it’s not! And it never will be!”

Sungmin flinched. Jungsoo merely looked at Hyukjae. I clenched my fist. If he kept on going, I was going to have to do something to shut him up.

At this, the other members, who were in their rooms, opened their doors and stepped out, wondering about the commotion. Jongwoon leaned on the doorway, his face seemingly impassive. Kyuhyun, closely followed by Donghae and Shindong, watched curiously at the scene unfolding. Even Ryeowook had come out of his room.

“Hyukjae,” Sungmin carefully pacified, moving towards him. “C’mon.”

“No,” Hyukjae insisted, stepping away from his closest hyung. “I’m not going anywhere. If I go, we’ll just dismiss this all over again.” He looked at Jungsoo, who hadn’t said anything since. “Hyung, we have to talk about this.”

“No, not now,” I interfered, looking at Jungsoo through my fringe. “Not today.”

“Now,” Hyukjae interjected. He glanced at the other members. “Hangeng hyung is leaving us. Doesn’t that deserve some urgency?”

The atmosphere immediately changed. It became tenser, more heated. Ryeowook burst into tears again. Jongwoon sighed and shook his head. Shindong interestedly stared at the couch. Donghae closed his eyes. Kyuhyun swallowed back his surprise at the statement. There was a reason they didn’t talk about it. No one was ready to accept that fact.

“Lee Hyukjae! When are you going to learn to shut your mouth?” I angrily snarled as I moved to lunge on him.

Donghae and Shindong held me back. I tried to untangle myself from their strong grips, wanting so badly to hit Hyukjae’s face. I wanted him to experience, even just a tiny drop, of how he was making the other members, especially Jungsoo, feel.

“That’s enough,” Jungsoo’s calm but authoritative voice carried out above the noise. He gave me a look and I stopped struggling. Donghae and Shindong let go of me. He turned to Hyukjae and started, “You’re right.” Glancing at the other members, he said, “I’m sorry that I’ve let it go on this long. I’m sorry that I’ve made you all feel that we can’t talk about this.”

“It’s not your fault—,” I said at once, but the leader silenced me with a look.

“Tomorrow, when everyone’s here, when we’re all complete, we’ll talk about it,” Jungsoo finalized. He looked at Hyukjae, who was staring at the floor. “Are you okay with that, Hyuk?”

Hyukjae could only nod. There was an eerie quietness in their leader’s voice that he didn’t like. It made him feel guilty.

Without another word, Jungsoo headed for the door.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae contritely called. But he didn’t hear him. He then looked at me, the apology clearly seen in his eyes. It seemed like he had only just realized what he had done. “Hyung,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“The damage is done.” I coldly pushed past him and left the dorm.

I knew exactly what he was expressing regret for. But there wasn’t anything to be done about it. Although I couldn’t really blame Hyukjae for what he did—he had a valid point—I wished he’d done it differently. I wished he didn’t do it so hurtfully.

As I rushed to follow our leader out to the elevators, I couldn’t help but think about how he must be feeling. If there was anyone who hurt the most, it was him, our everlasting leader. He was always the first one to feel the pain when anyone in the group was attacked by negativity and he was always the last to forget about and move on from it. Sometimes I wished he wasn’t such an angel.

I stopped in my tracks when I heard a sound coming from the back stairwell. The big, heavy door was slightly open. I peeked through the crack, wondering what I was going to see. But what I saw, I wasn’t prepared for.

Jungsoo was seated on the top step. He was crying.

I leaned on the doorway, feeling crushed. I knew he cried. But I’d never actually seen him in the act. Of course he cried during concerts—he was easily touched like that. But this was different. I’d never seen him cry like this. His side was leaning against the wall, his body almost curled in a ball. He was hunched forward, his face covered by his hands. His body shook from his sobs. It was like seeing a little kid get lost in the mall. I could sense his fear, the loss that he felt, and his burdens.

He lifted his head up in panic when he felt me sit beside him. Hurriedly, his wiped his tears away.

“Heechul, what are you doing here?” Jungsoo asked, pretending like he wasn’t crying just a second ago. He looked at the open door and started to stand up. “We should go back.”

But I pulled him back down. “Let’s just stay here for a while,” I told him.

We sat down in silence. We both stared at the wall.

After a while, I turned to him. He had his eyes closed. “You could cry, you know.”

He opened his eyes and looked at me. He was so tired. It wasn’t just the bags in his eyes or the paleness of his complexion. It wasn’t even his hunched form. When I looked at him, I felt tired.

“I’m sorry for burdening you, Chullie,” he affectionately said, patting my knee. “I’m fine.”

“It’s just us,” I persisted. I knew he wanted to cry. There were too many things he was keeping to himself. It was about time he shared the load he had brought upon his shoulders.

He merely shook his head.

“Why won’t you just drop the act? At this moment, you’re not the leader. You’re not Leeteuk. You’re Park Jungsoo, a human who has feelings, who gets scared, who’s tired and weary,” I enumerated heavily. I watched as he took a deep breath.

“But I am the leader. I am Leeteuk. Always,” was his quiet response.

“You don’t have to be,” I countered, looking intently at him. Why couldn’t he just let it out? I wanted to be there for him, but he wouldn’t let me in.

He shot me a small smile. “I want to be. I promised to be your leader forever.”

“That’s a given. You’ll always be our leader,” I gave in, sighing a little. “But,” I looked at him as I said this, “You can break down, too. Let me in, Jungsoo. Why won’t you let me in?”

I watched as he struggled with his emotions. He played with his hands, not saying anything for a while. But I could tell he was close to bursting. It was in the way he breathed, the way he clenched his jaw, the way he bit his lip.

“I can’t…” Jungsoo inhaled deeply. “I can’t allow myself to shatter in front of you guys.” He looked at me. “I’m supposed to be strong. I want to be strong for all of you.” He swallowed. “So you can all lean on me. And you can’t lean on someone who’s fallen.”

“I hate to break it to you,” I began, my mouth dry at the truth of what I was going to say. “You’ve fallen a long time ago. And you’ve been broken because you didn’t allow anyone to catch you.” I reached for his hand, which he had been fiddling with non-stop. He looked at me, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Let me put you back together, Jungsoo.”

Jungsoo lurched forward and I caught him. He clung on to me as he wept and let everything out. All the pain and fear I knew he’d been feeling was suddenly revealed; about how he missed Kibum; about how Kangin was going to be gone for two years. And Hangeng. Hangeng pained him most of all. He kept on saying that he had failed him, the members and the fans.

I held him through all of this. I cradled his fragile and tired body, consoling him and supporting him. I felt the weight of the world on his shoulders and suddenly, I sensed a responsibility press on me.

Our Jungsoo. My only hyung.

He really was one of a kind. I always marveled at what kind of stuff he was made of. He was reliable in every sense of the word. He was dependable, consistent, and trustworthy. He was kind and caring. He was respectful. He loved without reservations, always wearing his heart on his sleeve.

I wasn’t any of those things. I was capricious. I had quite a temper. I kept to myself and didn’t care much about what anyone else was doing. I skipped practice when I didn’t feel like it. Even years into the business, I still hadn’t learned to properly greet people. And I didn’t think I could ever love like he did.

We were opposites.

Yet, at that moment, it didn’t matter.

For Park Jungsoo, Leeteuk, the leader of Super Junior, was leaning on me, allowing me to see a side of him that people, not even the other members, knew about.

And for that I was indebted to him. Now, more than ever.

I held him tighter and leaned my cheek on his head.

Jungsoo, my hyung, I’m going to help you put your pieces back together. I’m going to carry you on my shoulders, like how I’d promised to, but never did, all those years ago. I want to share your burdens.

Let’s carry the world together.