Sitting in some ridiculously overpriced restaurant to celebrate my nineteenth birthday, I soullessly stared into space. Don’t get me wrong though, I wasn’t alone because my two best friends had been thoughtful enough to surprise me with a dinner. The only problem was that instead of a birthday party, it felt more like a group date… and I was the only one without a partner.

Im Yoona and Goo Hara had been my besties ever since middle school and they would always surprise me with something on my birthday. Most of the times I loved it, but this year however, I wished I’d stayed home and finished reading Relativity by Albert Einstein, because it was a lot more fun than being sandwiched between two couples who had no attention for me.

Yoona and Hara had planned this dinner behind my back, even though I had constantly told them they didn’t need to arrange anything special. I had to admit that a little part of me had secretly been expecting something after all because it was our tradition to get together on our birthdays and smother each other with special attention, but it seemed that they preferred clinging to their boyfriends instead.

I irritably glanced in both directions before exhaling in defeat. I couldn't even leave to go to the bathroom because it was way too awkward to interrupt them whilst they were in the middle of feeding each other and doing their cute couple things. In the end I had no choice but to hold it in and sit still, wondering if they actually came for me or if it was some excuse they used to get away from home and spend more time with their boyfriends.

I sighed and looked down at the cake that read ‘Happy Birthday Kim Mirae’ across the top and then at all the other food in front of me. Not having anything better to do, I decided I was going to eat it all while the others were busy being all mushy. And it’s not like I had anyone to show my fake ladylike etiquette to.

I was in the middle of slurping up a bowl of jjajjangmyun when I began pondering over my situation a little more, wondering if I’d be like this too if I had a boyfriend. I couldn’t picture it because I’d never had a boyfriend before —not because I wasn't interested in a relationship though, it’s just that no one had ever asked me out. As a science student I was always locked away in the laboratory like a hermit and the rest of the time I worked at a prestigious electronics company —as a cleaning lady— to fund my studies. Basically, the sad truth was that I rarely came into contact with people, let alone potential boyfriends.

By now I had moved onto my third dish when I noticed Hara miraculously turn away from her guy for once. "Guys! Should we go to karaoke after this?" she suggested, to which Yoona agreed without hesitation and clapped her hands together excitedly.

"It'll be so much fun!" Hara continued as she looked up at her boyfriend with a cute smile, almost making him melt into a puddle. The only thing I ever remembered melting were chemicals in the laboratory, and that wasn't in any way metaphorical.

"Mirae, what do you think?" Yoona tilted her head as she looked at me with anticipation, leaving me at a loss of words because the suggestion had come out of the blue. After a moment of hesitation —in which I was just trying to figure how to word my refusal nicely— I put my chopsticks down and swallowed my food so that I could respond without grossing out everyone at the table.

"You guys go ahead," I smiled awkwardly, "I still have a lot of cramming to do for an exam tomorrow…" Of course, I knew that was just an excuse, but what was I going to do there anyway? They barely had any attention for me so I was certain I'd just end up sitting in a corner eating again whilst listening to them singing cheesy duets. It had been like this for me ever since these two had started dating, abandoning me in the forever-alone boat.

"Aish, Mirae," Hara whined, "You're always busy with work. It's your birthday!"

Yoona nodded again in agreement as she reached out to load some of the whipped cream from her slice of cake on her finger before putting it in .

"Sorry guys," I mused with a sheepish smile, not wanting to carry on with this subject. I had plenty of free time tonight, but I didn't like playing the role of the third wheel.

It took barely another half an hour for me to finish the rest of the food and lean back with my hand on my stomach. I was satisfied that I had at least reached the goal I set. Yoona hadn’t even noticed that her grilled chicken leg was missing because she was too busy being fed by her boyfriend. I had always been pretty goal orientated since a young age, so no matter what it was I would find a way to create an aim out of it and make it my mission to accomplish it no matter what. I guess you could say I got some kind of thrill out the satisfaction you get once you reach the goal.

I put my chopsticks down and noticed that Hara had finished eating too and by now everyone at the table was starting to look bored as well. Guessing that they wanted to go to the karaoke already, I did them a favour by getting up from my seat on my own accord. They all looked up at me questioningly as I went on to grab my coat.

“Thank you for the birthday meal guys, and the cake too! I really loved it!” I smiled gratefully, because I wasn’t lying. I really did appreciate that I had best friends who would do this for me. Anyone who had a lover would want to spend as much time with them as possible, so I couldn’t really blame them. It just felt pointless to linger around with them awkwardly, sticking out like a sore thumb. So I reckoned it was time for me to go home and let them head to the karaoke.

“Are you going home already?” Yoona asked, “Are you sure you don’t want to join us for karaoke?”

I nodded, “You know how much I stress out when I don’t get work done as planned…”

“I guess that’s true,” Hara sighed in defeat.

“I’ll see you guys next time! Really, thanks!” I said, picking up the rest of the cake before I carefully wobbled past Yoona and her boyfriend to get out without dropping it on them.

They all waved goodbye to me with wide grins as I left the restaurant. After a few steps down the road, I exhaled with an empty feeling in my chest. I hadn’t always felt this strange in life, because I was rather content just doing my own thing in the lab. But recently I had been feeling like something was missing in my life —something that was long overdue for a nineteen year old girl.

I continued walking home, holding onto my cake firmly and watching as couples of all ages walked past me around every turn and corner of the journey.

The next day I woke up prepared for another good day at the laboratory. I was determined not to let my grim mood ruin my performance during experiments, because if I couldn’t even do those anymore then I would need serious help to recover.

 As I was skipping towards the lab with a new-found enthusiasm, I accidentally ended up walking in on two of my professors having a romantic moment near the workstation that had all my research material on. Flustered, I waited in the doorway awkwardly for a bit until they took notice of my presence. I was currently researching on heart cells and mostly spent my free time here, so the professors were all really familiar with me. A situation like this however was a first, so after uncomfortably greeting each other the professors quickly left the room. I sighed loudly and plopped down on a chair, looking as forlorn and hopeless as ever as I stared into nothing for a bit.

"Even my professors are in love…" I mumbled in a heavy voice as I pulled out a notepad from my bag, "I wish I had someone too."

I looked down at my notepad and flipped the pages until I found the right one, then took out a pen and crossed the professor's name off my 'potential boyfriends' list. I stared at the name for a moment and pulled a face at it in irritation before scribbling over it a little more aggressively, "I only put you on my list because you're handsome, but I didn't really like you anymore after you failed me for microbiology anyway! And now I even catch you having an affair with the haematology professor..."

I heard someone snort in amusement and looked up in shock, but my expression shortly morphed into one of disbelief as soon as I recognised the guy in front of me. A pang of a numbing pain shot through my chest as I gazed up at him at a complete loss of words. I mentally complained to myself that it just had to be Lee Hongbin —the one person who would probably understand my grim and lonely situation the least.

He wasn't a science student, but I knew him. The whole university knew him, because he wasn't just incredibly talented and intelligent, but darn good-looking too. And the issue was that he knew that very well himself, so I had long diagnosed him with a severe case of 'big-headedness'.

I watched him questioningly with narrowed eyes as he looked down at me with his big almond ones. His auburn hair looked really soft under the sunrays that slipped in through the gaps of the blinds and for a moment I felt an urge to reach up and touch it... until the question as to why he was here in the first place replaced that crazy thought. I was pretty certain that Hongbin was a music student, so his department was on the floor above.

He walked over towards me and casually looked at what I was doing, making me cover my notepad up quickly as soon as I realised. This guy was seriously nosy…

He smirked, "Do you even have a house, Brainiac?"

I looked back at him, unimpressed. I knew he was quite frankly implying that I was a nerd and questioning if there wasn't anything else I ever did besides laboratory work.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, ignoring his annoying remark.

Hongbin shrugged and pulled a chair out in the row in front of me, facing me as he sat down backwards and leaned forward with his arms and chin on the back of the chair. "Sometimes I like coming here to write because the library's too loud."

I thought about it and decided that was an acceptable point because I too thought that the library was quite noisy indeed —at least to my standards. The noise from snack packaging and whispers alone was enough to drive me crazy with frustration because I wouldn't be able to concentrate on whatever I was doing. Besides that, I was actually a little surprised at his reason, because I didn't know he took his studies that seriously. He just didn't seem like that to me because of his status at school and the way he carried himself... and not to forget the way he liked picking on me for being such a nerd. Quite honestly, I was expecting him to have said he had too much time on his hands and was bored, but perhaps I had misjudged him just a little too much.

"Why have I never seen you in here before?" I found myself asking, kind of uncomfortable to think that I was beginning to get more and more curious. I guess it wasn’t bad to know a little more about someone who was the centre of attention for a lot of people.

I had never interacted with him before personally. I knew him mostly because I’d see him in the cafeteria and hallways a lot, and more often than not he would be getting confessed to by yet another girl. Looks wise I would admit that he was rather pleasant to the eyes, but I didn't have a clear impression of him otherwise.

He just shrugged, "I'm usually in the piano hall above this laboratory, but it seems to be closed for now."

I gasped out loud and sat up in my seat, "Omo! Is it you who always plays the piano until really late then?!"

I thought back on how I'd stay behind late working on my research projects and would always hear beautiful music from the piano hall above. It helped me relax and focus on my work at least ten times more than normal, but the fact that it was Hongbin blew my mind.

He slightly raised an eyebrow at me, probably a little disturbed that I had paid so much attention to it, "I stay till late to practice..." he mused as he eventually admitted to it and then shook his head in disbelief, "Wait, are you saying you stick around mixing potions until that late?!" He paused for a moment, waiting for me to say something, but when I didn't he scoffed in amusement like it was something too bizarre to believe.

I scowled at him as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the tall table behind him. "First of all, they're not potions," I stated, causing a hint of a smirk on Hongbin's lips, "and second, you stay until late too so why can't I?"

He held his hand up as he moved forward again, "Yeah, but that's music! That's cool... it's fun. But this is..." he gestured around the laboratory, "It smells like hospital here! And hospitals smell like death!"

My shoulders dropped as I gazed at him with a tired look of disapproval, unsure of what to make of what he had just said. I leaned back in my chair, knowing that arguing with someone like that was impossible. You can't argue with stupid after all.

Instead, I got up and walked towards a nearby cabinet before reaching for a flask bottle inside it. I headed back towards him, "Hospitals do not smell like death."

I handed the bottle to Hongbin, who looked up at me questioningly.

"Smell it."

At first he looked a bit confused, unsure of what I was getting at until he eventually did as he was told. Curiously he took off the cork lid and took a careful whiff, his face turning pale and mortified immediately.

"That smells like death," I added and took the bottle back from him, bringing it back to the cabinet I took it out from while Hongbin was still gagging loudly and cursing with disgust in the background.

I turned back around after I had put the bottle away and stood there with my arms folded, watching him still somewhat dying. I had to admit, it made me feel kind of victorious and, that felt good.

While I was still enjoying the moment, as sadistic as that was, one of the professors I was supposed to work with today poked his head in from the door, looking for me in a hurry.

"Mirae, did you manage to set up the apparatus for today's research experiment? I'll be with you later," he panted, looking out of breath as if he had been running around a lot.

"Uh..." I hesitated, because I obviously hadn't started on anything yet because of Mr. Superior distracting me, "I'll have it done in time."

He nodded with a smile and scurried out of sight again, making me wonder about what exactly he was in such a rush for. I could only assume he had lost something important again, like he usually did.

When I turned back around to check on how Hongbin was doing, my eyes widened in horror. He was stood beside the chair I was sat in and my notepad was in his hand —with the list of my potential boyfriends right on the page he was looking at. 

"Yah!" I yelled and sprinted over to him with my pride on the line.

"Huh?" he glanced back innocently over his shoulder and waited for me to approach him and snatch the notepad out of his hand. I hugged it safely and looked at him as if he had done something to be condemned and punished for.

Hongbin blinked a few times, clueless of what was going on, “What is it? ...It isn't some death list of your victims or something right? Because the way you've only listed names of guys and are crossing them out one by one sure is giving me a serial killer vibe..."

"Tch," I glared at him in offense, annoyed that he sure thought my course was full of mad scientists who'd be willing to kill people for research purposes.

Hongbin however continued to look at me seriously, jumping to all kinds of conclusions, “Were you dumped by them? Revenge is not always the answer."

"Yah! Who gets dumped by 20 guys?!" I looked majorly irritated before quietly continuing with a mumble, "Besides I've never had a boyfriend before..."

It was silent for a few moments before Hongbin's laughter filled the air.

"Don't tell me those are the guys you want to date?!"

I remained quiet and looked away from him with puffed up cheeks, feeling really embarrassed and mad now. I wanted to snap back at him, but there was no possible way to respond to that without making it worse for myself.

"Then why am I not on the list?" he suddenly asked out of nowhere, startling me a little. “You clearly know me and there is no way you could've missed my good looks gracing the grim hallways of this building.”

I rolled my eyes at him, not even surprised at his lack of modesty, and put the list away in my bag. He was right, I did know him and was charmed by his looks too. At least that was true, but I was a realistic person. I knew my chances of dating him would have been way below zero and I pretty much learnt that the hard way. Guys like him didn't date girls like me, and that was a fact as basic as the periodic table to me.

Lee Hongbin looked nothing less than a top model with his attractive dark eyes, soft looking lips and dark defined eyebrows. Even his hair was always perfectly styled with his bangs swept to one side, and then there was his lean and tall body build... Every girl knew he was hiding distinct abs under his shirt, because it was too glaringly obvious that he worked out too. I on the other hand was a complete contrast to all of that. Despite being a girl, I was not even half as concerned about making myself presentable and my features were pretty average if not dull. At 5'4 I didn't exactly have a model-like height to brag about either, but I wasn’t one to point out my flaws and inferiority complexes even if the world already knew. So instead, I tried to play it cool...

"You just left an extremely bad impression on me, so you didn't make it to my list," I shrugged with a snobby look plastered on my face.

"Yah!" Hongbin raised his eyebrows, taken aback, "When did I ever leave an impression on you?!"

I frowned to myself, kind of taken aback at what he was saying. What did he mean with that? It had been bothering me a little all along now, but I didn’t understand why he was pretending not to remember anything.

"Besides, I like intelligent guys," I continued without answering him, or asking him the questions running through my head.

"YAH! Which part of me doesn't look intelligent to you? Hm??" he looked shocked and offended as he stepped closer.

Again, without answering him, I continued to scribble some formulas into my research notes. Agitated by the way I was refusing to acknowledge him, he continued to argue his point to prove that he was worthy of being in my list.

"You have Kim Daehyun on there. He believes wearing the same unwashed underwear for every soccer match makes him lucky!" he pointed out as if fighting against some kind of serious injustice.

I stopped writing for a moment as I let that new piece of information sink into my brain, but soon tried to recover from the disgust. That was honestly nasty, but I had no choice but to stick to my role now that I had stepped into it.

"S-so..." I tried to keep a straight face despite stammering, "He has a...c-creative mind."

It was clear that I had no clue what I was saying anymore with the way my words were coming out all slow and choppy, but seriously... unwashed underwear?!

I was kind of sure he'd figure I was bluffing by now, but he was worse at catching onto things than I had imagined.

"I'm creative too!" he exclaimed, patting on his chest, "I'm an artist."

Taken aback at how flustered he was about this whole thing. I couldn’t help but stare at him thoughtfully in surprise until he began to get uncomfortable.

"What?" He furrowed his eyebrows lightly.

"Lee Hongbin... I didn't know you wanted to date me so bad." I said bluntly, startling him.

"Huh?" he blinked in confusion, "Uh, I... I didn't say that..."

I tightened the grip on my pen, because I already knew he didn’t. Calmly I carried on with my work, "Exactly. So don't you have work to do? That's what you came here for right?"

"...Yeah," he mumbled and started taking out his stuff, still glancing over at me now and then before turning around to get on with his own stuff.

After that neither of us said anything to each other anymore. There was the occasional exchange of looks at most.

After about two hours of working silently in the same room together, a few students of my course started to walk in one by one. It was almost time for my lesson to start, so Hongbin started packing up again and got up. I watched him as he headed to the door without saying anything, but shrugged it off and went back to focusing on my own work again. It wasn't like we were friends or anything...

Suddenly I felt him pause by the door and turn around to look back at me, but I didn't look up. For some reason I just pretended not to notice and froze in place, just gazing down at my worksheets. After he eventually left, I dropped the papers in my hand on the table and let out a deep sigh.

"That was awkward..." I whispered to myself and sat like that for a moment before pulling out my notepad from my bag again. I flipped to my list again and gave a quick glance over the names before swiftly crossing out Kim Daehyun's. It would've been fine if it had been some other type superstition but I took hygiene rather serious.

I put the notepad away again and decided to get this off my mind for the time being when the professor finally walked into the laboratory to start the lesson.

The hour seemed to fly past really fast for me, as usual, and I decided to grab something to eat in the cafeteria as soon as we were let off early. It was still quite empty with perhaps three or four other students there because lunch was still about an hour away. I didn't mind though, because I liked such a silence.

I didn't want to admit it but I was feeling kind of strange. My goal to find a boyfriend was because I was tired of being alone all the time, but perhaps that wasn’t the case. Perhaps what I was looking for was someone who could somehow heal the emptiness in my chest that was left behind by none other than Hongbin.

My first crush had been Lee Hongbin. It was right when I got into college... He was in the year above me and of course, there was no way that he even knew I existed at that time. He was so popular, and I was just a geeky newcomer. But still, I admired him a lot from a distance for a while. I loved how social he was, constantly smiling and laughing with all kinds of people regardless of what department they were from or what age they were. He just seemed like a really bright person, which encouraged me to like him even more... But unfortunately love didn't seem to be as easy as liking someone and being granted the wish of being with that person too. It was more than just that and status, looks and everything else played a bigger part on it than love alone…. And so, it didn't take long for me to snap back to reality and learn my place in the whole circle.