You left me

-Eunhae7

 

Kahi’s POV

    I walked into class, hearing noises from everywhere.  Seeing guys walking around.  Seeing girls laughing, are they possibly laughing at me?  I looked down, scared and terrified of people touching me.  I walked to my chair and went to grab my instrument, and set it up, then I sat down waiting for my teacher to come in.

    “Kahi!!!”  BamBam yelled happily, scaring me a bit.  I turned towards him, and smiled slightly.  He punched me softly, I flinched and tears were welling up in my eyes.  I tried to hold it in and deal with it.

    “Kahi?  Are you okay?  I’m sorry, did I scare you?”  He asked softly.  I turned around and wiped away my fearful tears and continue to look through my phone.  

    “Yah Kahi!?”  Someone yelled out and held me by my shoulders.  I screamed, scared, frightened, I cried.  I turned around and it was only Siwon.  Everyone looked over at my way, unexpected, they looked at me like I was weird.  I looked around, I was shaking, I was afraid.  

“Kahi?  Are you okay?”  Uee had put her hand on my shoulder, I looked at her.  Terrified and out of breath, I ran outside to get some air, I cried and cried.   I was afraid, afraid of someone touching me.  Afraid of guys.  I didn’t want to walk back to the room, there were just too much I couldn’t handle.  I walked quietly with my head down, I walked to the office, and ask them if I could go home, because I didn’t feel good.  They told me to stay in school, there was no ‘reasons’ for me to go home, and honestly, I wasn’t in the mood to argue.  I walked back to the band room, I could sense that everyone was looking at me, including Siwon.  No one dared to talk to me, not even BamBam.  He would casually look my way, but never attempted to talk to me.  

    “Here.”  He smiled and handed me a handkerchief.  I looked at him, questioning his actions.  

 

During Lunch

    I walked to grab my lunch, I looked around, and then I saw Nana, Yoochun, and Jackson, all sitting at a table with a couple of friends, they looked like they were worried or scared or sad.  I looked away and walked out the cafeteria.  I went into the restroom and into a stall.  I cried.  How can this all happen to me?  I was happy.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to cut, to kill myself, I was disgusted of my body, of just simply me.  I have to live with this empty scar, with this disgusting thought.  How am I suppose to be happy?  How am I suppose not think about what happened?  

    Someone walked into the restroom, they were standing infront of my stall.  My heart started to pump faster, my body started to shake, I was getting afraid.  I grabbed my legs and lifted it up in front of my chest.  

    “Kahi?  It’s Nana.  It’s me.  ”  Her voice was sad and she sounded like she was worried.  I got angry, tears started to fall down, but I fiercly wiped them away.  

    “Go away.”  I suggested, angrily.

    “Look, Kahi, I’m sorry…  I’m so sorry, you must be so afriad.”  Her voice started to sound scratchy like she was crying.  I cried in sadness and hurt.  Remembering what had happen a couple of days ago, still it was haunting me.  Nobody had helped me, nobody stopped the guy who was me.  NOBODY!  I cried, biting my lower lip, I screeched and hit the bathroom wall.  Nobody helped me, they left me laying there half , I, who lost her ity to a , feeling so useless, so nasty, so disgusting, and feeling like she wants to die, I, got the nerves to come to school.  I bit my lip, and held my fingers into a fist.  I was shaking.  

    “Kahi…  I’m sorry I didn’t help you, I’m so sorry…  I’m sorry I ran away.”  I wiped away my tears and stood up, so angry I slammed the door open.  I pushed her against the wall and slapped her, slapped her across the face so much, it felt like it was a thousands times.  I slowed down, just wanting someone to be there for me, someone who wouldn’t leave me, who would protect me in every way he or she could.  I slided down with her crying in front of me.  I looked at the wall, the wall of nothing.  

    “Kahi…”  She said.  You could see her cheeks were red, even her lips were busted.

    “You left me, you left me with this scar!  You left me to be , so you could be saved, you told me not to be afraid, you told me you would protect me!!!”  I yelled at her and hit her once again.  But she sat there, not moving, but only crying, feeling shameful.  I took in a deep breath.  “You told me, you would sacrifice everything to keep me safe, but YOU LEFT ME TO BE !”  I laughed, “and do you know what’s the funniest thing about all of this?”  I pulled her chin up so she could be looking at me, “You never came back…  You might’ve called the police, you might’ve told your mom, you might’ve cried, but you never came back.  You never came back to check on me, to take me away, to take me home, to the hospital, you never CAME BACK!  You left me there, cold, half , crying for someone, just someone to come and save me.”  My heart ached.  

    “I’m sorry, I regret it all.  I should’ve helped you, I should’ve came back, I should’ve been there when you needed help,  I should’ve protected you.”  She came in for a hug.  But I backed away and stood up.  

    “Don’t you dare…”  I took a deep breath, tears falling, trying to be strong, “talk to me or touch me, or ever talk about me, ever again…  Me calling you my best friend, that will never happen again, we are not best friends anymore, we will never be friends again.”  My legs could barely carry me.  

    “Hinata!”  She stood up and hug me.  I struggle from her grasp.

    “Let go!!!”  I yelled, pushed and slapped her.  I ran out of the restroom, to only see Yoochun and Jackson waiting for Nana.

    “Hinata?”  They asked and came forward.  

    “Don’t ever talk to me again.”  I said and walked away.  I went into the office and asked if I could go home, from the crying, they could see it in my eyes, they finally decided that I could go home.  

 

A year passed…

    After a week of the incident, I went to get therapy, I never went to school anymore.  I’m not in band, I’m not in any activity, I get home schooled from a great professor.  I still think about it, and I still have nightmares about it.  But what’s life, if you don’t move on.  In order for me to find happiness again,  is to move on, to let go of what’s holding me back.  The incident, is one in a lifetime nightmare, that will never happen to me ever again.  And I will never let someone protect me, except for me.

    “Kahi?”  Siwon asked, while in bed, he looked at me while pushing me against his body, so the coldness would disappear because of our body heat.  I opened my eyes slowly, and smiled at him.  

    “Good Morning, beautiful.”  He commented peacefully and pulled my hair that was in my face, behind my ear.  True love is not something you can find, it’s something that finds you.  

 

*“Find a heart that loves you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest…”*