I’m hurt.

Almost every time I talk to you or think about you I feel like crying but, the tears are not coming out at all. I don’t understand this stupid feeling actually. Why and what is happening to me? I kept asking the same question repeatedly. Then again, it will only remain unanswered. Is it my feelings only? Does only me who feel this way about you? I think the answer to that is yes though, without doubt. You love your girlfriend. That’s a fact that no one can change. And I am nothing but just a friend, mere friend. Don’t you know, I’m a girl. I’m the girl that has fallen in love with you. I’m very weak actually. Just because I said I’m okay, doesn’t mean I am really okay in the first place. If I told you that I still like and love you, I wonder will you ever treat me the same anymore.

I tried.

Many times I tried to avoid you but reluctantly you came to find me again. May be I was the wrong one to accept you in my life. I answered your call whenever you did, I replied your messages whenever you text me or whenever you want to meet me, I said okay. May be it was my fault again because I kept giving myself a hope. Stupid and fool me. Just because you said you care about me, I thought the least I am a bit special to you. But, I almost forget something important about you. Yes, you, unlike other men, you treat all women extremely special regardless of what the affect you did to the other party. You’re really cruel you know. I really thought that I am your ‘best friend’. But, every time our friend said something about you, all I get is shock and hurt all over again.

The first time when I found out you’re someone else lover, I space out for hours. I locked myself in the room staring into nowhere. I tried to avert my mind elsewhere. I drowned myself with food, to make myself busy and at least stop thinking. I watched all kinds of movie in one night until my eyes were black. I tried everything to keep myself busy. But, at the end of the day, I didn’t even realize I was crying myself to sleep. It really hurts trying something you knew you will never be able to do so.

I lied.

Did you realize that? I lied to you in entire questions that you ever asked me about. I lied that I am okay. I lied that I already had someone I love. I lied that I’m happy for you. I lied about my smile when you tease me. I wore my mask to keep myself from breaking in from of you. Many times I lied, you know? I lied almost every time but the dense you will never notice it. You’re just too stupid to know a woman’s heart. I conclude that. But, when I think it over again, maybe it was my heart that’s so complicated for you to understand in the first place. To lied and to be lie are two different things. But, both bore the pain all the same. So, who should I blame? You? Or myself?

Do you still remember the day I confessed you? No right? But, for me, everything was still fresh like it happened just yesterday. You laughed. I still remember that laugh. It was not only breaking my heart to pieces, but at the same time, it tears my confidence away completely. It’s hard, seriously. You are the first man that I have ever showed my tears to. You are the first to make me smile whenever my friend hurt me. You are also the first that has ever treated me like a real girl. And the most importantly, you are the first ever that make me feel this way. You take my every happy first time, but why must you also be the first to break my heart. Why must it be you? Can it at least be someone else? The answer is no right? Because it already happened. And you had already made your life decision.

My heart still tinkles every time I heard your voice. My smiles still bloom every time I see you face to face. And I’m still the stupid girl that still loving you. Our friends teased you about you and your lover special intimacy, I laughed at it and teased you the same. But, only God know how much pain have I kept inside. May be and may be it will still remained the same as long as I still couldn’t forget about you or at least has someone else in my life.

On 14/02/2015, you told me, grinning like an idiot, a predictable but astonishing news.

“I’m getting married this 19^th March.”

My face fell right that instant.

“You gotta come, or I will never forgive you.” You threatened me, still smiling with a face full of bliss.

I fell into silent in that moment as my world crumbles. Our friends there congratulated you at the same time, teasing you even more.

“Hey.” You called, “Did you hear me just now?” you asked me, making sure.

I blinked.

“HAHAHA!” I let out a big laugh, “Of course I did, fool. Congrates!” I said.

You smiled bashfully at me, “Thank you.” And with that my heart breaks again.

I smiled back at you and wore my mask again, the last one I hope. Still with my closed eyes, I hide the tears away from you.

I’m sorry, bestie. Please let me go. Please let my heart in peace. I really hate you. But, I also love you. I love you so much, Cho Kyuhyun.

People say crying will ease your pain

But my tears are just not coming out

Why?

Because of you?

Yes, because of you

Will this pain ever stop?

May be not

I will just let myself crumble like this

Because it’s you I love for now…or forever

I’m just lonely…that’s all

Note:

A drabbles based on my true story which just happened yesterday. My best friend, the one that I love, (that ) finally admit that he’s getting married next month, after months of me asking and make me hoping. Every word that I wrote is true and writing it really hurt me even more. My bias is Lee Sungmin, thus it’s Sungmin’s love to Kyuhyun T_T in case you’re related it to the real life, and I have no other way to express but this way. I really just want to let go of this feeling. Hopefully, it will get better. Please…

Sorry if I ever spoiled anyone’s mood. *bowing*