'Sanra, we're going to lunch together. Don't say no 'cause we're gonna force you out of your cave.' 

That was what my sister said to me on the phone this morning. Apparently I had to get over a 'break up'. It wasn't a break up. Seunghyun and I were having some time apart. It just wasn't working out for the time being. 

It was kind of sad though. I expected him to at least text me after a whole week. But no, it's been a whole month and no interaction whatsoever. I know he's busy and not to sound clingy but he could've called or texted or even go the old fashioned way and email me... I kind of want to see him again. 

My chest was feeling tightened again. Okay I should at least admit to myself that I do miss him. Maybe I should text him after lunch and meet up. I want to have a mature discussion over it...and maybe see him again. Okay, decision made. That was easy Sanra. Now dress nicely. 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay now this is ultimately awkward. My sister and brother made me come here to introduce me to their friend... How not suspicious. Lee Chaerin, Lee Seunghyun, I hate you guys! Of course I can only yell at them through my mind. I'm the maknae in my family, not the spoilt one but the one who is overpprotected. Extremely overprotected as in my parents read my diary, my friends have to be Chaerin unnie approved and I'm not allowed to go in the deep end  of the pool without Seungri oppa. Like come on, I'm 22!

"Sanra-yah, he's a fan of your novel too," Chaerin exclaimed overly cheerfully. 

"Oh," I smiled and nodded at him while panicking at not knowing what to say but not wanting to talk at the same time. My chest tightened uncomfortably and someone caught my attention. My cousin disaapeared up the steps. He's here today! 

"You're awfully quiet today," Seungri smirked and nudged me slyly.

I rolled my eyes and whispered in his ear. "I'm not single you know." 

He shook his head and whispered back, "I can make the situation worse you know." 

"No!" I squealed soundlessly as I tugged Seungri's arm. 

"Ji Hoo," Seungri called and I hid my face in his shoulder, "She secretly told me that you're very handsome and that..." he raised an eyebrow at me, "she likes you."

I can't let him do this to me! "That's not true! I didn't say that." He looked a little taken aback and guilt pricked me. "I mean...like um...like I didn't say it but...umm..." I chose my words carefully but it just didn't turn out right. 

He smiled at me warmly and Chaerin cut in also smiling, "This was what I meant." 

"I see now," he chuckled. 

God, I don't even know what they're talking about now. Young Bae! I need to find him. 

"I'm going to the bathroom," I muttered before darting off. 

"Don't sneak out!" Seungri warned. 

I rushed up the stairs with my mind buzzing with thoughts. I didn't mean it to sound like that. I didn't sound too rude, did I? That was so embarassing. 

"Sanra," I heard Youngbae calling me. I immediately felt at ease seeing him. He was the 'rebellious' one who always helped me sneak out to see my friends or help me plan a fake diary - absolutely nothing like Amy Dunne's one. But that would be cool, I mean it was so well plotted. Even with all the stresses I'm still sane. 

He was holding two glasses of whiskey or something outside his office. 

"Oppa, oh my god you won't believe what unnie and oppa are doing to me," I ranted and he chuckled knowingly. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why is everyone laughing at me today?"

"Where's hyung?" he asked me. 

"Who? Seunghyun oppa?" I mumbled, "Um he's...um actually we're separating for a little while." 

A little while was a lie. 

"He's actually inside my office," he smirked and nodded at the door. 

"Eh?" my eyes widened. Just behind...this door?! I took a step back. 

"Come on," he probed, "Help me open the door so I can bring the drinks in." 

"Uh..." I looked up at him to see him raise a challenging eyebrow. That eyebrow raise which always dared me to do the most absurd of things like climb over the fence to get his football (that had been there for three years). He didn't even care about it. 

"I think-" he commented but the door swung open causing my heart race insanely quickly. 

I swallowed and no words would form. I just stood there dumbfoundedly staring at him. His expression was incomprehensible and he too didn't say anything. Surprisingly, it felt the same - as if we never even had a huge argument. It was as if I could just walk into Youngbae oppa's office with his arm around my shoulders and me complaining about my siblings and him telling me about it failing attempt to impress his sister. It was just that comfortable between us. 

"Thanks hyung," Youngbae broke the silence and walked into his office casually putting the drinks down. 

"I think it's time to talk," I said while glancing over at Youngbae who was texting someone. I don't know where that came from. I just said it in the most awkward tone despite how I truly felt. 

"Bae, I'm going," he dismissed without a thought and closed the door before Youngbae even gave a response. 

Does that mean he wants to talk? Or not? Great, I think he's still angry... Why did I sound so awkward? Ugh...why!

"Come," he mumbled and began taking big strides. He WANTS to talk! Oh my goodness. Keep your mind straight Sanra, don't bring up anything stupid or childish.  

 

***

 

My heart was pounding as soon as I sat in the passenger seat. This familiar smell of him and his car and... I couldn't express it. Except, I just miss it all. And then I realised how silent he was. 

I looked at him and he stole a side glance at me before finally starting up the car. The atmosphere was plain uncompromising. I infected us with the awkwardness. Idiot.  

He was acting a little cold and preoccupied. What if this is a sign? I think he wants to end our relationship. He voiced his discontentment to me during our argument. Maybe I should've taken the signal already... 

"Where are-" I was asking to break the silence but someone came out of nowhere and ran across the road. Seunghyun abruptly stopped the car and if not for him holding me back with his arm, I would've gotten hurt. 

"Put your seatbelt on," he reprimanded and glared at the person who seemed to be oblivious to what just happened. 

I sighed in relief and put on my seatbelt as told.

He didn't start driving yet. He rubbed his temple and heaved a sigh. This was probably not appropriate for the situation but I felt a sudden urge to comfort him. Before our argument I knew that he was extremely stressed about a case his manager asked him to handle. 

 

 

I didn't know what to say or do. That just then...when he protected me. Did he still care about me? No, it was normal. He's usually kind to everyone I know. I'm overthinking everything. I can't think straight because of this stupid fluttering in my stomach and an irritating, twisting feeling in my chesting.

But even with an action of 'care' I suppose, my hands started sweating as I was getting nervous. I checked the time on my watch because I just  felt obliged to and then realised that I had left my bag with Seungri. Aish... 

"Am I wasting your time?" he suddenly asked without the slightest tone of annoyance or sincerity. There was oddly no expression in his face or even his voice. I couldn't see pass this unusual facade of his.

"No I just wanted to talk to you about-" 

"No," he dead stright glared at me. 

I stared at him weirdly. "What? You...don't want to talk?" 

"Not about what you want to say. Please just let me have a say in it first," he sounded frustrated. What happened in the past month? "And first of all, are you cheating on me?" 

And that...was a huge blow. I shot him a nasty look and his eyebrows knotted together. "Are you being serious right now?" 

My chest heaved and I felt like crying all of a sudden. All this time I've been thinking about him or how to patch up our relationship and he just wants us to end in any way. He just wants to end it. 

Right now he looked perplex and he changed his tone to a softer one. "Aren't you? I saw you with a guy." 

 

A guy? What guy? Where? 

I closed my eyes suppressing my anger, "I'm not cheating on you. I don't know why you're saying this."

"Let's talk about this when we get to my apartment. Sorry I shouldn't have said anything." 

This didn't look good. Why today of all days? I feel like crap...

 

***

 

I sipped on the hot green tea not knowing if I should say something first. 

"Who was that guy you were with in the restaurant?" he asked calmly. Was that who he meant?

"My unnie and oppa wanted to introduce me a friend," I shrugged.  

"Did you like him?" he stared at me trying to decipher my body language.

"No," I answered without a thought.  

"Are you lying?" he sounded unsure. We were usually quite honest with each other. I can't believe his trust in me has gone down to this level.

"Then yes I liked him. Are you satisfied with this answer?" 

"You were flirting though," he folded his arms and leaned back closing his eyes. 

"I barely spoke to him," I too folded my arms.  

"Which one was your brother?" he was now staring at the ceiling. 

"You saw him, he was sitting next to me." I was subconsciously answering these pointless questions and finished my green tea. 

"Ah..." he nodded seeming to be in deep thought. 

"Pardon?" I tilted my head and furrowed my brows. He sat up and looked at me with an unreadable expression. 

"I was...mistaken," he said slowly and I swear there was a hint of a smile on his lips. Why I was staring at his lips? I don't know. "Did we actually have to separate for whole month and counting?" 

I was getting more frustrated as much as I was confused. Can he just get to the point? "What are you trying to say?" 

He got up and stretched. "I'll get us more green tea." 

Why is he avoiding the main topic? "No, I want to end this now. Hurry up and tell me what you want to say."

The ghost of a smile disappeared and his eyes dimmed as he stared at me as if I wasn't real anymore.   

I sighed and averted eye contact, "Sorry for being impatient."

He sat down next to me - our thighs touching. My hands started to sweat, I'm nervous all over again. I should've shied away but I didn't, unfortunately, I liked it. On the contrary he shifted a little too far away. It felt like my heartstrings were pulled and then stumped on once again. I suddenly got annoyed, why sit next to me in the first place? I'm prepared anyway. I'm prepared for you to say it. I won't make myself sound desperate for you. I won't even shed a tear. I won't fall for anything you do. Even if you chase me back after our break up I won't even take a glance at you. Ah I'm going crazy internally. Ugh!

"I don't want to talk about whatever you want to," he announced rashly and unexpectedly laid his head on my lap. My eyes widened and my whole body stiffened. He stared back at me smirking, "You're blushing." 

"Let's talk about it in a civilised manner," I retaliated looking away. 

He raised an eyebrow, "Till this day I still don't understand you. Think about it properly because I can tell you right now, I don't want to break up with you. One month was one too plenty." 

What...?

"Initially I was angry that you didn't call me or even text any goodnights or..." he stared rather tenderly at me and my whole body relaxed. He reached up and pushed some of my hair behind my back. "...I just don't want to break up so don't mention it until today ends." 

I smiled and shook my head, "I missed you but-" 

He suddenly grabbed my sweaty hand and I abruptly jolted pulling my hand away. He looked really annoyed. 

"No, oppa you're-" 

"I'm gonna get you another drink," he muttered apparently pissed off. 

"Oh my goodness," I sighed ruffling my hair in frustration, "Okay I'm gonna be rude. Shut up, alright?" 

He shot me a death glare and I didn't know if I should tell him that he's mistaken again. "You're misunderstanding...everything." 

"I don't understand why you want to break up?" 

"No, oppa I don't want to! That's the thing!" I groaned burying my face in my hands. 

"You..." he sounded absolutely at a loss, "You wouldn't even let me touch your hand." 

"My hands were sweaty," I mumbled and he smile at me. 

"You're so weird," he suddenly chuckled and opened his arms asking for a hug. 

"You're too complex for me to understand," I pouted and he pulled me in for a hug. 

"No, you're stupid," he kissed the top of my head.

"You have a horrible imagination," I hugged him tighter. 

"You undermine your importance, beautiful," he said and tried to kiss me but I leaned back. 

"And most important of all, I want to go to Seungri oppa's house," I raised an eyebrow. 

"No, stay here for the night," he stated - it wasn't a question. 

I pouted, "But he has my phone and wallet."

"However miss," he pulled away from me and raised an eyebrow, "Today is our 1000th day anniversary." 

"Oh god," I was actually shocked. I'd forgotten. 

"Oh yes," he said very seriously but then burst into laughter, "I'll drive there." 

"No I can catch-" 

"Just move in," he declared nonchalantly. 

"No I..." then I actually comprehended what he had just said. "Wh-What?" 

 

 

 

끝.