Ruin Me                                         

The raindrops hit hard against the windows and the road. An echo could be heard every time a drop landed on the ground. It had been raining for hours now. Big puddles of water had gathered itself on the streets, creating a wave every time a car passed by. The street light created a warm feeling, a welcoming feeling, but the threes and the cold wind destroyed the homely atmosphere.
 

It was in the middle of fall, September. Rain was constantly falling from the skies and cold wind was a normal procedure every day.
 

With his hands tugged deeply into his pockets, Kyungsoo found himself walking down the empty road. Droplets of water kept falling from his jet-black hair, his brown jacket was clinging to his fragile body, as well was his dark pants. On any other day, the rain would have bothered him, he would have been running to get home faster, but for some reason, this time was different. He kept walking. 
 

His shoulders was raised as he pressed his arms to his sides in an attempt to keep himself warm without having to remove his hands from his pockets. His hands were already cold enough even though he hadn't removed them from the pockets. 
 

He could not think straight as he walked. Every shadow that threw itself over him felt like a strangling figure that tried to end his life. Every time he passed one of the many alleys, he wished that someone would show up and end his miserable life.
 

What did he have to live for?
 

Nothing.
 

He was nothing.
 

He was not someone people would miss, he was not someone important. He was just the silent boy, who preferred to stay home on a Saturday night, hiding in the corner of his bed with a blanket around his shoulders. A blanket that could protect him from everything outside. He didn't like places that was filled with hundreds of people, nor did he like to leave his home for errands such as groceries shopping. 
 

He preferred to be alone, having learned in High School that friends were just trouble. He remembered Joonmyun. They used to be best friends, they were literally inseparable, always together, laughing and enjoying every single moment of time together. Their friendship had been perfect, until it became a friendship filled with jealousy and control – of course he was the pup that followed his master around. He was the one who was being controlled. He was the one who didn't even dare to be with other people in the fear of making Joonmyun angry. 
 

After High School, he broke every contact he had had with Joonmyun and the rest of his so-called old friends. It was too hard for him to be the “perfect” friend and to complete all of their expectations of a “best friend”.
 

The many scars on his arms and tummy was a perfect proof of how tiring his friendships had been. He remembered the long nights, where his hands would lay folded on top of his stomach as he looked towards the ceiling. Sleep had never been a good friend of his. His nails would have scratched across the pale skin of his stomach, until large red bruises had started to appear.  
 

He remembered the anxiety. Every time he had to leave his small apartment, he had tucked the hood of his jacket over his head and plugged his headset in. He would do anything to avoid being confronted by other people. 
 

He remembered the pain from every time he had been sitting on the floor of his bathroom. His small hands grasping around his shirt as he tried to control his breath during a panic attack.
 

He remembered the pain from his heart that broke too fast, the pain from his head that kept hurting after too many thoughts and the pain from the blade that been running across his skin for so long now.
 

He was a mess.
 

He was alone.
 

He was supposed to be alone.
 

After years of only watching his many crushes from afar, never to brave to approach them, he had come to that, that he would live the rest of his life by himself.
 

Nobody would love someone like him.
 

A few tears escaped the edges of his eyes as he walked. He quickly tore out his hands to dry them away with the back of his hand. He wanted to go home! He wanted to crawl into his bed and hide underneath his blankets and pillows. He wanted to escape the cruel world.
 

He started to walk faster, his entire body shivering from the cold, icy wind.
 

He felt lost, so god damn lost. He could not find a single moment of peace as he ran, he felt like he could break down at any time. His heart was beating fast and his head was hurting, throbbing against his skull. His hands were fisted, a single drop of blood running from his palm as he kept tightening his hands together. The pain wasn’t enough… it wasn’t enough to make the pain, the throbbing, go away!
 

He was going insane.
 

An almost relieved sigh escaped his lips as he spotted the front door that lead up to his apartment – safety was near.
 

He threw himself against the door and felt it slide open underneath his weight. He stumbled as he reached the stairs and tried his best not to slip on the steps as he ran.
 

Fumbling with the cold key in his hands he tried to unlock his door, but every time he pressed the key against the lock it would slip to the wrong side and hit the door. Frustration was slowly building up in his mind as he felt the tears appear once again. His hands kept shaking, his nails almost blue, as he tried to open his door. A frustrated scream escaped his lips as he stumbled backwards and took a deep breath. He had to calm down.
 

After a couple of minutes, standing the dark hallway, he finally stepped forward and watched how the key this time easily slipped into the lock.
 

His hands were still shaking as he tore his jacket off. The wet material clinging against his bare arms as he threw it on the ground, his t-shirt clinging as well as he also tore that one off. His small hands slowly found their way up around his arms as he hugged himself.
 

The rain was still falling, the constant noise of the droplets hitting his windows and roof. There was not a moment of silent. His thought kept going on and on and on.
 

Why not end it now?
 

No one’s gonna miss you anyway?
 

Why would anybody love someone like you? An unstable, small, boy who cannot even take care of himself? Nobody would waste their life on someone like that, someone who is ready to leave any moment… not someone as ugly as you.
 

A sob escaped his lips as he fell down onto the madras of his soft bed. His hands grasping around the cold material of his blanket as he slowly rapped it around himself. He could feel the heavy weight of the blanket on his neck as he looked down. Tears kept streaming down his cheeks as he tried to block those awful thought out. His hands kept locking and unlocking around the white blanket, his knees automatically pulling themselves closer towards his chest as he tried to hide himself from the things around him.
 

He had no idea about for how long he had been sitting like this. Squeezed up against the thin walls of his small, dark bedroom.
 

A light, a small simple, almost invisible light appeared.
 

Slowly Kyungsoo raised his head and looked towards the table that was pressed up against the wall beside the window. The light was shining up on the white walls, creating shadows that was almost reaching out to him.
 

A warm breath ghosted across his lips as he slowly, almost stiff, unwrapped his body from the blanket. Goosebumps appeared on his thin legs as his feet made contact with the cold floor. Dragging the blanket and his feet across the floor, he walked towards the table.
 

His phone…
 

Carefully he picked it up and looked at the screen.
 

Kim Jongin
 

He bit his lower lip as he looked at the display in front of him before he placed the phone down once again. For minutes he stared at the phone that now had went dark, his couldn’t move his eyes away from it as if he expected something to happen.
 

It had been years since he last had spoken face to face with Jongin. They had met each other during his second and Jongins first year at college. Jongin had been that one friend, who for some kind of reason never left nor did he ever try to control him or use him.
 

Jongin had been the one Kyungsoo had been looking at for ages. He had always noticed Jongin, when he came walking down the long hallways with his bag hanging from his one shoulder. He remembered Jongins chocolate colored hair, his olive colored skin and his dark eyes that melted every girl’s heart. But of course, Kyungsoo had always stayed behind and watched. Never once did he actually approach Jongin, nor did he try to get his attention.
 

He remembered the warm feeling he would get in his stomach every time his eyes met Jongins. He remembered his smile and the way a faint light would light up behind his eyes every time Jongin smiled or laughed. Jongin was everything he wasn’t. Jongin was perfect. Jongin was smart, handsome and talented. He was the lucky one, the one who almost got everything served on a silver plate.
 

Every time Kyungsoo watched Jongin he would always feel jealous, but most of the time he could feel the self-hate boil inside of him, almost tearing him apart. The feeling of never being good enough.
 

The phone vibrated against the table this time. Incoming call.
 

Kyungsoo carefully grabbed the phone and looked at the display.
 

Kim Jongin
 

He was about to put the phone down, when he suddenly heard someone yell from somewhere. He looked out of his window to see nothing, nothing but the cars that was parked and the different streetlight.
 

“Kyungsoo, I know you are in there!”
 

He jumped as the voice reached his ears. He carefully gathered the blanket around him and waked towards the living room. His feet had turned cold from standing on the floor for too long now, he could feel his legs shiver from every time he stopped to listen.
 

Knock could be heard as a fist collided with the door again and again.
 

In a slow manner he locked his hand around the doorknob and carefully turned it. He didn’t even get a chance to take a step back as the door flung open and a tall, wet Jongin stepped inside. Water dripped from his hair as he grabbed around Kyungsoo and pulled him into a hug.
 

Kyungsoo could feel the beating heart against his cheek as he was pressed against Jongins wet shirt. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as the pain in his head slowly started to disappear. It was like a pressure was being removed from his head, like he now could breathe again.
He felt his arms lock themselves around Jongin as he returned to hug. 
 

“You are here”. 

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