I've never been good with words. Not sweet ones. Never sweet ones.

Oh I could charm a woman or even a man, but it wasn't the same as intimate sweet nothings.

Those I just couldn't manage to ever force out my throat, no matter how hard I tried.

Disappointed woman after disappointed woman walked out my door, fed up with my harsh exterior and my unwillingness to be the romantic fool they wanted. It just never seemed to suit me.

Even if I wanted to say those things, they'd never come out.

But here I am, pacing outside this door, my heart in my throat, fighting down panic over a woman.

 

Even as I listened to her bustle about the room, getting ready, I felt breathing getting more and more difficult.

I couldn't breathe around her. It took every ounce of self-control to stop me from fainting when I was near her.

This was driving me insane.

She was driving me insane.

It's ridiculous really, Kim Heechul reduced to a gibbering idiot because of a pretty face.

She must think I'm a fool.

I never say anything not embarrassing when I try to talk, I stutter and I stammer and I make a fool of myself every single time.

This is utterly exhausting.

I shouldn't really have agreed to meet her outside of the show, it was hard enough being with her in front of a camera, how was I supposed to survive a day without it?

 

“Oppa~?”

 

My throat closed at her voice. I found it so hard to breath. I closed my eyes.

 

“Yes?” I answered quietly, not knowing if I was speaking loud enough for her to hear through the door.

 

“Jacket, yes or no?”

 

I glanced out the window. It was sunny.

 

“No.” I answered.

 

“Okay~”

 

I could just see her beaming smile through the white-painted wood and my stomach twisted in a million knots at the image in my head.

Oh this nonsense had to stop! I can't stand this any more!

I started pacing again.

I can see it now, the second she walks out that door I’ll start smiling like an idiot and not be able to stop grinning at her, then she'll think I’m crazy, then I’ll start giggling or babbling like a moron.

I took a deep breath. I don't know how she keeps stealing the air from my lungs, or making my words fall from my mouth like I can't control them.

She's just a woman Heechul, there's no need to lose your head over it, she's just a damn woman!

 

“Cherry oppa, do I look good?”

 

I dreaded turning. I knew how this would end. But I did. I had to. I turned, and my mouth went dry.

 

“Good?” she asked again with that smile that made me knees undeniably weak.

 

“You're gorgeous.” I said honestly.

 

She went pleasantly red in the cheeks and hid her face with her hands. I smiled.

 

“Cutie, did oppa embarrass you?” I teased.

 

These words came easy with her. Teasing and playing I was used to.

Sincerity? Not so much.

But, everything I said to her was sincere without me even noticing.

And even though she made my head reel and made me fall apart just by looking at me, I didn't want it to stop.

 

“Let's go~” she cried and pulled me out the door.

 

She started to laugh, and it was contagious, I couldn't help but laugh too.

 

“Where we going?” she asked me.

 

I just smiled at her, and took her hand. “You'll see.”

 

I'm losing my mind, I must be.

Everything I am, she's just drinking it in, stealing the sunshine in my life and blinding me.

But she's perfect. She must be.

She drives me crazy, this is happening far too quickly, it's making me dizzy, I want to walk away now before it comes crashing down, but as she giggles and attaches herself to my side, I find myself leaning my head on hers, and breathing in her smell.

It makes me giddy, when she smiles at me, when she calls out to me, whenever she does anything I feel myself falling more and more.

I've never been good with sweet words, they always get stuck in my throat.

No matter what I try to do, I can never tell her what she does to me. I

don't even understand it myself.

She makes me frustrated and insane and calm all at once.

She's memorising.

She's gorgeous.

She's perfect. 

She's...she's...

 

She's mine.