The letter "n" has always been Lee Jaehwan's favourite alphabet. He had never cared for it until elementary school when "n" was introduced as a variable. "Just plug in any number you want!" his math teacher had told the class cheerily. So Jaehwan did. He put in a variety of numbers in the equations and watched them transform into different faces of different challenges. Little Jaehwan was profoundly fascinated with the subject, especially the variable "n". "N" was not a special letter, it was merely interchangeable, flexible. Jaehwan used to believe that he could be an "n" too and be whoever he wanted to be, even the unimaginable.

***

The gold and red LED sign was flashing in a two-second interval. Eternal Host Club - the sign screamed. Jaehwan took a step back and hit the damp wall. The stair on his left would guide him back to the safety of civilization, away from the doorstep of the underground night club. He paced a little in his cramped spot and earned flirty looks from few men walking past him.

He kicked the wall again, cursing the bastards who dared to call themselves his friends. So what if Jaehwan had been drunk out of his mind and stripped off of his pants? What if he had hopped onto the table and mooned everyone in the room? What if he was declaring that jellybeans were mooses’ poop and he liked ? It did not give his "friends" any right to videotape the whole thing and threatened him to be their slaves.

Jaehwan would rather die a slave than having what happened last night go viral. As he was about to come in contact with the door handle, the entrance flew open. A young woman rocking long wine red hair hooked one of her arms around Jaehwan's. A strong butterscotch vanilla smell wrapped around him. "Hey, customer-nim, don't be shy. We welcome men from all ages and social classes.” She angled her petite face nearer and batted her charming cat eyes, “You are legal, right?"

Jaehwan nodded dumbly, "I'm not here to drink. I'm here to-"

"You naughty, naughty boy," the bronze-skin girl cut him off with a wide knowing grin. "We aren't doing that kind of business," she gave him a sultry wink. "I'm Sammi, by the way. I'll make you forget all of your trouble tonight."

Jaehwan tried to squirm out of Sammi’s grasp while they marched between the blurry crowd. He admitted to himself that she was a beautiful woman, but he was not digging the female species at all. He just wanted to go home. The obnoxious club beats continued to carry them off the side, to the secluded tables.

Sammi sat Jaehwan down at one of them, away from the sweaty bodies grinding on the cramped dance floor. Smell of perfume and cologne and smokes integrated into Jaewhan 's comfort zone. Sammi stuck close to him better than his liking, their thighs touching. She shoved the menu in his face, "So, what kind of drinks can I start you off? Water or whiskey?"

"...Um... orange juice?"

Sammi cackled in an unnaturally high pitch and slapped Jaehwan's arm, as if she heard the most hilarious thing on Earth, "Son, there's no in-between. I'll get us a bottle of whiskey as appetizer." Jaehwan's host waltzed away.

Jaehwan gulped. He looked at the menu, not seeing any of his options at all. Whatever he wanted, Sammi would cut him off anyway. It did not matter what Jaehwan want now, because he had no idea what he wanted anymore. Besides, did Jaehwan ever have anything to say in his own decision?

Sammi came back with a bottle of liquor and a plate of shot glasses. Jaehwan eyed them hesitantly. He had not tried anything stronger than beer. But he needed a drink and Sammi could see it in his hungry eyes. She filled up a shot and brought it to his plump lips, which he accepted. The stinging alcohol penetrated his throat sharply, burning his inside. After the sensation subsided, a hint of sweet cola reverberated his cavern. He ed the substance-less glass before Sammi. She tipped the bottle over until it was full, "Sammi's Passion is the drink that no one can resist," a smug smile played on her lips.

Three glasses. Jaehwan's face was as red as a monkey's . Four glasses. He began to hiccup. Five glasses. He did a Sung Shikyung imitation: trot version. Six glasses. He acted out an entire Gag Concert by himself. Half of bottle. He saw Sammi as a dude and smacked his lips against his and had the sloppiest kiss. He did not quite feel if he was making out with a woman or a man or a wad of sponge. One whole bottle. Jaehwan was out.

***

 

Jaehwan had crawled out of the mattress and sat on the wooden floor. His head hung over the bed and his eyes were screwed tight. His brain stayed murky until he was jolted awake again by a sudden thought. He held up the wig in his face and tried to remember where he'd seen the long wine red hair.

"Morning," a tall man sauntered into the windowless room, wearing a white tank top and red boxers. His black hair was neatly groomed. And his bronze skin was gorgeous... Jaehwan gasped and raised the wig, "Sammi!"

"I'm excited to see you too," leaning against the kitchen counter, Sammi lazily winked.

"B-But... last night… you were..." ... a woman! Jaehwan finished his sentence in his head.

Sammi huffed, "I'm sorry that my anatomy disappoints you."

Jaehwan chuckled awkwardly, "No! It's great actually..." Sammi stared back at him, puzzled."... not like there's anything wrong with being a woman..." he sighed. "...You know what, just forget about it." There was too much going on in front of him and he was too hungover to process them all. It must have been an optical illusion.

Sammi pranced towards him and squatted to his eye-level, "I heard you: a hottie like me should be a man.”

Jaehwan blushed. He moved his bum away from Sammi’s predatory gaze, "Um… where are my clothes?"

Sammi pointed at the hangers.

Jaehwan suddenly felt very in his brief, now that he knew Sammi has always been a dude. Or has he? He stole another glance at Sammi’s lower body. His soft features were too feminine for a guy, even without the girly make-up. And the way he had acted last night was certainly different than this.

Sammi noticed his nervous glances. He was familiar with the look too well, "No. We didn't do anything last night. Just because I'm a host doesn't mean I'm a e."

Jaehwan perceived the subtle daggers in his eyes, "No! I wasn't thinking about that!"

Then he was thinking about something worse, all amusement left Sammi, "I'm not a 'what'. I'm a 'who'."

Jaehwan's face became more crimson, "I'm sorry!"

"It's fine," Sammi has worked as a drag host for awhile to be accustomed with strange stares. They were usually confused or plain disgusted. The people with an intense drag or tran were pretty annoying to deal with too. How many time did he have to repeat that drag queens aren’t always trans? Sammi himself has been lived as a man since birth. Jaewhan’s reaction wasn’t anything novel. To survive, he had to grow cold to all sorts of judgement.

"Ah!" an ajussi burst into the room without any warning. He frantically waved a dishwasher-green wig in the air. The wig was not the thing that made Jaehwan gape. The ajussi's shimmering blue eyeshadow and the winged eyes were so precise that they would make school girls bow in shame. To add sprinkles on the donut, his beard and unshaved legs added to the repulsive sight.

"...so yeah, I'm so gonna murder that bastard who didn't get my order right! I want to be a sparkly purple fairy, not a ing hairy Gringe!"

Maybe you should shave first, Jaehwan thought.

"Maybe you should shave first," Sammi suggested.

Jaehwan burst out laughing.

The ajussi whipped his head to his direction. His eyes narrowed at the stranger, "How many time do I have to tell you not to bring stranger home? You're a host, not a ."

"Oh, please, Amelia. You call this a home?" Sammi retorted, "It's just a basement under your club! Besides, he's cute." Sammi squeezed Jaehwan ’s buttcheek to prove his point. His mouth hung open, flustered.

Amelia was not amused at all, "I don't care if you’ve met Woo Bin. That ugly kid has to get out."

Sammi puffed his cheeks and begged, "Please let the future drag queen stay for breakfast at least."

"Who?!" Amelia and Jaehwan simultaneously shouted.

Sammi threw his arms around Jaewhan to lay his cheek on his chest, "You said that you want to enter the pageant! You cried and begged me not to post the videomrfffffmm..." no words came from Sammi when Jaehwan squeezed his lips together.

Amelia watched them fighting for the upper hand. Jaehwan stuck his index fingers in Sammi's ears, causing him yelp. Sammi went for Jaehwan ’s eyeballs, but he ducked just in time. Sammi lost balance and fell over. They went on hitting and slapping each other, shouting obscenities over one another.

"Quiet, children!" Amelia roared. His feline eyes twitched, "No one should stop this young lad from chasing his dream!"

Jaehwan dropped Sammi to the ground, "My what?"

Amelia squeezed Jaehwan's shoulders hard, "I understand that it must be difficult to accept your inner queen and show her to the world," his eyes shimmered in tears. "A lot of people don't have the courage to follow their callings.” he side-eyed Sammi, who pretended the last statement was not meant for him. Amelia clasped Jaehwan’s shoulders tight, “You are a champion, my friend, unlike somebody I know."

What the ? Did I make an old man cry? Jaehwan's eyes asked Sammi for help, and he was baffled to see that Sammi was equally touched. He embraced both Jaehwan and Amelia in his arms.

Jaehwan began protesting, "I'm here because of the video-"

"Welcome, Jaehwannie," Sammi pecked him on the right cheek. Amelia kissed the left side. Jaehwan grunted in disgust as he wiped the cotton-candy lip gloss off of  his face.

***

This was not a drag queen tutorial class; this was a torture from Hell which Jaehwan had never signed up for (well, he had, after the ajussi forced his inked thumb on the sign-up sheet). A pitiful tear fell on the vanity table. He gritted his teeth as another tiny eyebrow hair was plucked. He gasped as he was holding his breath. “It’s been thirty minutes and my eyebrows aren’t perfect yet!” Great. He’s already whined like a queen. Venedette, one of the only three competitors, rolled his eyes at the amatuer. His golden tropical eyeshadow were already applied in three layers. He protruded his luscious flaming lips, admiring his masterpiece called his face in the mirror. It was a stark contrast comparing to the random patches of rash-like paint on Jaehwan that resembled an allergic reaction.

“Dette, why do you go to these classes when you’ve already won three years in a row?” Taylor, the other contestant, asked. His  low voice seeped with jealousy.

Dette side-eyed Jaehwan, “I’m here just for fun. What about you? You’ve won four times already.”

Taylor squeezed Jaehwan’s biceps, “To check out the new meat.” He his thin lips while his eyes traced below Jaehwan’s waist.

Jaehwan suppressed a groan, This is ridiculous! The whole competition was a joke. Jaehwan felt foolish interrupting Dette and Taylor’s little pageant game where they took turn winning. Jaehwan yanked an hair too hard that he screamed. Sammi rushed to his side from the corner and grabbed his face. He his swollen eyebrows tenderly, sending Jaehwan unexpected shivers. He turned his face away from Sammi awkwardly, “I’m fine.” He picked up the tweezer once more. He was not wooing him over when he was failing a beginner’s task like fixing eyebrows

Sammi leaned over his shoulders to get to the drawer, his body and moobs pressed close to Jaehwan. He held his breath until he moved away. Sammi started applying white powder on the margins of his eyebrows. After a few , Jaehwan’s eyebrows were no longer messy bushes, but majestic arches. “Next time, you can use the concealer,” Sammi patted his cheek affectionately. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Jaehwan glared at Dette who was laughing his head off. “Thanks for telling me.”

“No problem, noob.”

Fortunately, Sammi soon recaptured Jaehwan's attention by telling him that being a drag was all about expressing yourself and making bold statements. Glitters and hot pink blush would set him apart in the crowd for sure, and maybe outshine Dette and Taylor.  Jaehwan tried to pay attention to his talk of drag wisdom, but he was ever so patient with Jaehwan’s clumsy cat eyes. He would wipe off his mistakes even when Jaehwan himself was running out of patient. He was succumbing to his every caring touch. Jaehwan was curious about the kind of man he was and how he ended up being in this dingy room looking like a woman, helping a reluctant, hopeless, amateurish queen. Was he born with the tendency as a female, or was there something that happened to him? Jaewhan racked his brain for a plausible explanation, but his imagination was limited. He could pictured something sappy like a story of a poor orphan being adopted by an old and ugly queen.

Jaehwan's mind wandered miles away. He was thinking of Sammi and his senses were heightened by his every touch. He almost had a heart attack when he finally focused back onto the mirror. Under the magic brushes, Jaehwan could not recognize himself. The strange man wearing eyeliner stared back, equally shocked. He could not see himself under three inches of white powder and rosebuds on his cheek bone. It was difficult for him to close his eyes for his eyelids were caked with pink shadow and his eyelashes were reaching out to the ceiling. "Th-his... isn't me..." he could not ever imagined that he could be this hideous and breathtaking at the same moment.

"Of course this is you," replied Sammi, all of his playfulness gone, "You chose to be here."

What about you? Why are you here? Jaehwan wanted to ask Sammi's wig, manicures, and fake s. All of those were part of him too? Why did he give in to his feminine appearance and allow it to define himself? What about Jaehwan? Why was he there just because his friends threatened him? Jaehwan would ask all of the personal questions out loud, though he was not certain about the sensitivity of the topic... Something moved in the mirror: Amelia emerged from his dark corner. "What did you guys talk about earlier?" Jaehwan recalled the Amelia's and Sammi's solemnities. It'd seemed like they were on the verge of argument.

Sammi shrugged. His lips were sealed. It was Dette who had his big mouth open, "It's probably the dance audition." Taylor slapped him in his head. "What? It's true!" Despite of the injustice, Dette did not further elaborate his information.

Jaehwan stared back at Sammi for an explanation and found him engaging in an intense conversation about tonight's dinner with Taylor. They were definitely avoiding something...

"Your phone!" Sammi answered Jaehwan's ringing phone while the owner was distracted, "Hello!" Jaehwan jumped up from his seat after Sammi had ran to the opposite side of the room. "Jaehwannie? You're coming for him?!"

. . . Jaehwan grabbed a cotton instead and splashed makeup remover all over his face. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" It was nail polish remover. Still, he frantically wiped the paint off of his eyes. He got one new cotton ball every second but the eye make-up was too stubborn to get off.

"Oh, my God!" Jaehwan stared back at his friend in the mirror. Sungjae's mouth was wide open, a stream of merry laughter fell out. "You actually..." he was going to tell Jaewhan that they were joking about the threat. They would never expose his homouality to anyone else if he chose not to participate in the drag pageant... though Jaewhan had already begun his life as a drag... Sungjae took a look of the smudged mascara and smirked, "You are making us proud, Jaewhannie. Just keep doing what you do." Sungjae looked at Dette and Taylor and his laugh grew obnoxious, "So this is what gay men do in their past time."

Jaewhan ran out of the room and didn’t notice that Dette and Taylor were surrounding his friend. His mind carried him blindly down the dingy hallways in the host club. He covered his ears so he wouldn't hear "what gay men do" behind those closed doors. He stumbled into the janitor closet in the corner, not caring that the janitor was taking his smoke break. He curled into himself. The jeer in his friend was too much and his eyes watered. “... gay men do…” he sunk into the ground deeper, Not this bull again. He asked himself why he ended up being locked here in the dark. It's because of the video. It's because of Sungjae and his friends. Because of them, Jaewhan had to it up and do something unimaginably disgusting. He took in as much filthy air as he could in his lungs, inflated his dignified chest, and choked on the polluted fog. It was easier to suffocate in second-hand smoke than to face Sungjae and the rest of world.

"Jaewhannie?" Sammi called from outside.

No response.

"I know you're in here."

Still nothing.

Sammi cracked a smile, "I can see you through the slits. You can come out now. We chased the away." The poor guy would have to wear an eyepatch for awhile after Dette had thrown a mascara stick at him.

Jaewhan's hurt met Sammi's eyes through the ventilation in the door, "Don't call my friend an ''."

"Not calling him an ‘’ doesn't un- his ness,"he retorted.

"Stop it! You don't know the half of the story!" Jaewhan's eyes flashed with anger.

Sammi's sharp eyes were not amused either, "I know what’s going on. Your 'friends' blackmailed you to do the pageant. You don't want to do it, but too chicken to say 'no'."

"No! That's not true!"

"I don't know the exact details of the video, but you should have a choice."

What choice? "They can't know that I'm gay and have to degrade myself dressing like a clownish tran! Just leave me alone!"

Sammi's gaze hardened, "If that's what you really think then I'll leave you alone."

Jaewhan's eyes were lost once he'd disconnected from Sammi's reproachful ones. He fell onto the dirty floor again and felt dirt crawling all over him. What did he just say to him? How could he? With shame and guilt, he was ready to die under an assault of an angry mob of LGBTs. As if it was a sign from the Divine, a bunch of mops and sweepers fell over him, hitting his cowered body all over without mercy. Tears sprung into eyes.

"Way to go, son!" the old janitor had the last laugh in the dark corner.

***

"You ! Is this what you do outside?!"

Jaewhan stood firm before the older man's fury. He was so used to his glare that he had learned reflecting his own daggers from his eyes. The wig, sequin black dress, make-up  bag sprawled over the suffocating space amidst them.  

"What I do outside is none of your business," Jaewhan's voice was even, as if his question had no affect on him.

His blow knocked Jaewhan off of his feet, "Who taught you to talk back to your father?" His jeer was cynical,"You son of a ; you're trashy like your mother." Then his father disappeared with a "bang" of a closed door. Before, Jaewhan would have hurled himself at him for insulting the woman he supposed to love. But Jaewhan was tired of fighting back. Besides, his mother was out of the venomous reach in the mental institution. He took the blonde wig in his hand and put it on. What had Sammi said about the foundation again? Jaehwan didn't give a and smeared some on his tall handsome nose. His nose was his favourite body part because it was the only thing that resembled his mother. He detested the rest of his body that did not come from her. He pulled his skirt up over his boxer. He stepped into his high heels.

The condemnation from Jaewhan's father and the shocked looks from the people on the streets followed him all the way to the host club. If that's what he wanted his son to be - a "gay " - then he would be exactly so.

Sammi was reduced to utter speechlessness when he spotted Jaewhan marched in his sight wearing a skirt. The folds of the fabric billowed like a revolutionist flag. "Yeah, I walked all the way here. Now fix my make-up."

Sammi did not understand his change of heart at all, though a grin broke through his initial surprise. He forgot that he was supposed to be angry with Jaewhan for what he'd said last time and sat him down and worked his magic brush again.

After Jaewhan became decent, or Sammi liked to think, a quite attractive guy, he began his lecture: "Being a drag is more than one meets the eyes, we can also be entertainers. Like any other pageants, you need to show your talent." Sammi stared at him expectantly.

Jaewhan returned a blank look, "I don't have any talent."

"Can you dance?"

Jaewhan shook his head.

Sammi held his gaze, "Do you really want to be a drag?"

"Yes. I do," he answered without hesitation. He thought of Sungjae's jeers and the older man's hatred. "Please teach me how."

Sammi's good-nature grin sprouted. He  first brought a chair to the center of the room. He fumbled with the CD player until mellow percussion jazz filled their ears. Sammi sauntered to the plastic chair in the beat of the music. It's excruciating for Jaewhan to learn while Sammi crossed and uncrossed his legs. He made sure that Jaewhan paid attention his semi-muscular calves flexed. He lowered his hips onto the seat and bit his lips. His eyes danced in allurement too as one leg ed into the air. His tight torso rolled back, riding  the chair along with the beat. His hips guided his body to bend and sway. The way Sammi became one with the y melody made Jaewhan hard. His mouth went dry.

Sammi closed his eyes, wrapped up in his own oblivious high and unaware that Jaewhan was inching closer. Next time his eyes opened, he gradually ran his slender fingers down Jaewhan's spine, liquidizing his knees. He pressed Jaewhan towards him and their noses kissed. Then their lips found each other. They were hungry to devour the soft lips until they tasted blood. Their tongues exchanged their places and there seemed to be no beginning or end where their mouths pressed.  A cold hand snuck under his long hair and wrapped around Sammi's neck, he ran his tongue along the hot cavern on cue, satisfied to hear a meek moan. They broke apart only when their lungs were at their limit. In a daze Jaewhan took in Sammi's long hair and felt the weight of his own wig. His chuckle was deranged, "We were two drags kissing."

Sammi's euphemic look dissipated, "What's so funny about it?"

One hard look from the man he'd kissed signalled a minefield, "I'm sorry. I'm just confused," it was the truth. One second Jaewhan saw past the feminine disguise and found a real man, and then the next, he saw a half-woman, half-man. There was something beastly and unnatural about the whole picture. And his gut twisted for thinking that. This time the table was turned; he was not a victim , but an executor.

It was too late. Sammi completely withdrew from his reach. "Don't say sorry when you don't know what you are apologizing for."

"Okay." As soon as he stepped back from Sammi's disappointment, he caught a glimpse of his drag self in the mirror. He pondered if his decision of being a drag was right. He wondered what it meant for Sammi to be one. Jaewhan wanted to ask him, except he was already gone.

***

Every time Jaewhan asked Sammi the reason he became a drag, he had all sorts of excuses to push the story time to unknown due date. What was there to hide? Was the story more private than an intimate make-out session? Not like we did that again after everything had gotten awkward, Jaewhan reflected bitterly.

Focus, Jaewhan! He chided himself while it was his turn to parade in his sequin crimson dress after Taylor had done his practice twirl. Jaewhan puffed out his fake s. His feet were graced with six-inch silver heels. He put one wobbly foot in front of the other shakier foot. A frozen smile plastered on his face. His heart prayed for the Higher Being to spare his life. He paused in the middle of the room and took a deep breath, then stiffly, he spun to the left. Sammi cheered loudly, encouraging him to finish his catwalk. Jaewhan would not go down without a fight.

Sammi jumped in alarm when Jaewhan went down in a thud. Drag life has it tough, Jaewhan thought before closing his eyes.

Author's note: The story is not over yet. There's still one last part! Please subscribe for the rest if you like the story so far! Or like Jaewhan and Sammi /fangirl mode/.Is this too much of a crack fic though? Ugh! I'm not sure how I did so far so please leave a comment. >< /panic mode/ ..It's really been too long since I've last published an one-shot. 

Thanks for reading!