This lifetime belongs to us

 

 

Time curls and unfolds around his hair as he walks fast into the night, with nothing but streetlight to guide him through darkness.

He's a shadow, he's invisible because the night is the worst enemy and the best friend. The night can elevate you to an higher state of consciousness as much as it can grab you and bring into dark rooms of foolishness, of disease, of death and sick love.

 

But this night is his friend, and cold is his enemy now that he's walking, messy hair dancing to the music of the wind as his hands shake, trying to keep holding firmly that small gift.

 

A gift for himself, a gift in the name of of love and freedom.

 

He hates cold. He didn't even dress properly, this night is the night he doesn't care anymore. About who he was, who he is, who he will be.

 

He doesn't believe in nothing but his raging heartbeat, the frozen tears that seem to tell a story of grief, or maybe love, or maybe both.

 

A couple of drivers yell at him, because he's not even looking at the streets, he just doesn't see anything anymore, his brain processes only the urge of freedom.

 

-Heechul! Where the hell are you going, do you want to be hit by a car or something?-

 

That voice brings him to reality as a comfortable feeling of heat and safeness embraces him, deep in the night, while a lullaby made of steel is sung for them by the city, the city of freedom, the city of dreams, the city of smelly air and broken wings,the city of wounds and hopes.

 

Heechul smiles, and that smile cuts deep into Jeon Younghun's soul. As if a million invisible knives had wounded his body at the same time. He swallows, getting closer to him as his dog he was taking out for a walk begins to cry because he wants to feel Heechul's touch.

 

He wants as well.

 

Heechul caresses he dog's head, smiling again, before begging for something with his teary eyes, and Jeon Younghun swears he would give him his whole self, he would try to catch the moon, and he would try to be everything he's not, if Heechul just asked. But all he has, right now, under the streetlights in central Seoul, it's his embrace.

 

And that's what he does, taking a deep breath as the scent of Heechul's humid, messy and beautiful hair brings him to another dimension, as if people, cold and cars speeding by were just a nightmare.

 

There are times when Heechul touches him and he is sent to another, imaginary world, where there's nothing but joy, nothing but love and Heechul's smile.

Then the bells of reality ring again and he is awaken, cold and weak. Because love elevates you to just let you fall down the moment after.

 

-When we were young...me and my sister....we were under the cherry tree that is in our garden...it was cold and frozen, spent by the snowflakes on him. there was just one leaf left on one of the branches. And my mother said "whoever is able to catch that leaf will marry first, blossoming like this tree will in spring"....-

 

Younghun remembers that tree. He has seen it in his youth, beautiful, but all the times he had admired it, it was in the middle of the wonderful blossoming, when warm and spring rejoiced his leafs and brought new scented, colorful flowers.

 

He smiles bitterly.

 

-I bet your sister caught the leaf-

 

Heechul grins, and a strange glimmer is in his eyes, something that confuses Younghun even more.

 

-No, it was me.-

 

Younghun laughs, shaking his head.

 

-it seems your mother was wrong-.

 

Heechul doesn't reply, he just buries his head in his neck, seeking comfort. Snow begins to fall again from the sky, tiny crystals of frozen water in their hair, making them soaking wet, and they shiver, with a frozen body, but a warm soul.

 

-I don't want her to be wrong.-

 

Younghun sinks his hand in Heechul's hair, playing with them, curling it between his fingers. Fortunately,there is no one around.

 

-Your sister is getting married in a few hours, Heechul....-

 

Younghun knows this well,it had been Heejin herself to call and invite him to the wedding. He apologized with an heavy heart while declining. He was not brave enough to look into Heechul's family eyes and lie.

Heechul is an actor, while he is an hairstylist that is coping with something bigger than himself: loving in silence.

 

-then marry me, Younghun.-

 

Several snowflakes deposit on the ground before Younghun's heart starts beating again. His eyes are open wide and his mind is full of thoughts he can't even decipher, as tears are falling again from Heechul's eyes, who speaks again, voice broken by grieve.

 

-Marry me....I don't care how. I just want you to swear me that you'll be by my side forever. I-I....I even bought rings. And this is stupid, I know....but-

 

-Shut up.-

 

Younghun looks at him for a moment, a long, painful, moment of stasis. Everything is silent, as if the world was breathing deeply before jumping. Maybe towards ruin, maybe towards glory.

 

Heechul doesn't have time to reply, or cry, or regret of what he just said. He just finds himself walking fast into the night again, but this time his hand is locked onto Younghun's, both so cold, insensible, but that contact is enough not to care anymore where they're heading to. Gunbbang follows them, and she's fluttered by the speed, excited. Maybe she feels the waves of excitement and anxiousness their mind is sending.

 

A whole hour is spent walking, and their legs hurt, their clothes are soaking wet, shivering as wind unfolds on them.

 

Heechul looks around, and recognized that place. No one is around them, because no one wants to be in a periphery park with a snowstorm raging on the whole city.

He smiles, and Younghun is still breathing heavily, lost in Heechul's desperate and grieving beauty.

 

-Here you asked me to be your boyfriend, 3 years ago....-

 

-And you replied me that you were a free heart. That you had feelings for me but you didn't want to give us a name.-

 

Heechul curls on himself, resting his head on Younghun's shoulder.

 

-I was afraid.-

 

-of what?-

 

Younghun still remembers the rage, the frustration following rejection. And then Kim Heechul had knocked to his door the next day, and those kisses had felt like a light in the darkest shadow.

And he had felt fortunate to taste those lips, to hug that body and be intoxicated by the scent of that skin.

Doubts had floated away as they had made love to each other, heartbeats speaking words their minds couldn't express.

As their whole story could unfold in the silence of an heartbeat and the shimmering of the darkness.

 

-of myself. Of society. -

 

-Aren't you afraid now, Kim Heechul?-

 

Heechul smiles. It's not bitter anymore. It's a determined smile that enlightens his stare.

 

-I'm still afraid of myself. But not of society. Not anymore-

 

Younghun breathes deeply, emptying his mind from thoughts and focusing on Heechul only.

 

He leans forward to kiss him, but Heechul stops him, grinning.

 

-we're not married yet!-

 

Younghun curses and laughs, taking immediately the little box from Heechul's hand.

 

-You have pretty convincing points..-

 

He laughs, but his laughter stops as he opens the box and its content is revealed to his eyes: beautiful, platinum and gold couple rings, of different size. They are simply amazing. Nothing more than beautifully decorated gold.

 

-Heechul.....they seem....so expensive.....-

 

-This time you shut the up.-

 

They end up laying on the snow, Heechul resting between Younghun's arm in a fetal position, trying to protect himself from the cold and the rage of the surrounding world.

Younghun rests his head on Heechul's, casually kissing his cheek as he writes.

Once he's done, the little piece of paper shakes as his whole body he's shaking, due to excitement and only partially to the freezing cold.

 

-Can I read mine?-

 

-Go on.-

 

Heechul clears his throat, and is barely able to speak. His throat hurts and scratches, and a bloody taste is on his tongue. They're being fools, but they're fooling together, so he won't regret it.

Younghun looks at him, caressing his cheek with his insensible fingers.

 

-I, Kim Heechul, want to take this man here, Younghun as my husband. I don't exactly know why....-

 

-Hey, it wasn't like that!-

 

Younghun mutters, at least they could pronounce their wows correctly.

 

-Shut up. I was saying that I don't really know why, but somehow I feel I need you by my side for the rest of my life. Love is such a strange concept I'm not able to define it, but....If love is needing you....needing your lips to kiss me and your arms to embrace me. I want to be your only man, and though I'm terrible at that, I want to take care of you.

Now that you're young and stupid and when you will be old and wrinkly. I want to make projects with you, live with you each day of my life and hold your hand proudly in front of the world.

I want to fight with you by my side, because alone I'm a weak warrior. I want you to guide when I'm not able to walk alone, and I want you to respect my independence when I need to walk by myself.

I want you to smile to me a "welcome back home" each evening, from now on.

I want you...to be mine. -

 

Younghun is crying, little drops of happiness and uncertainty of the future re-drawing his features while he holds Heechul more tightly.

Heechul bites his lips, smiling. He swallows and his throat hurts due to his overwhelming feelings.

Then he takes the bigger ring, and admires how it fits on Younghun's finger, symbol of loyalty. A snowflake deposits on his hand, melting immediately, maybe it's a sigil to that promise. 

 

-you...didn't even read your paper-

 

-I already knew them by heart. It's your turn.-

 

The dog is looking at them, tilting his head, not knowing exactly what's going on.

 

Younghun admires how his own eyes reflect perfectly into Heechul irises, as if they were made to be together in the snow, during a winter night, swearing eternal love.

 

I, Jeon Younghun, am here to make you, Kim Heechul, my husband. Illegitimate in the eyes of the world, the only legitimate husband I'll ever want in my heart. I swear I'll honor you and respect you, and most of all I'll love you, in wealth and poverty, in the good luck and the bad luck, in health and disease, till the end of my days. Till death tears us apart. I won't give up to anything, I'd fight for you any war. I....I love you. Because with you my life is a mess, but it's a completed mess.- 

 

Heechul is looking at him, holding his hand tightly as he shakes, leaning forward as his eyes threat to become full of tears, again. He buries his head in Younghun's chest, comforted by the music of his heart.

 

-that one...wasn't correct as well....-

 

Younghun smiles, taking the ring in his hand and admiring it, adoring as if it was a sacred object. He takes Heechul's hand in his own, illuminated by the dim lights of that park as the ring slides in his finger, reflecting the poor light for a moment.

Heechul has given up on the tears, and the joy, smiling as he searches for Younghun lips.

 

A kiss that tastes of innocence, somehow. A kiss that tastes of eternity and yet reminds them of the temporality of all things.

 

The little piece of paper is stolen by the wind's curls, depositing on the snow and becoming wet, the ink slowly dissolving and tainting the white ice.

 

Their breaths mix and the sweet scent of that promises lingers in the air.

 

-I declare ourselves husband and husband.-

 

Younghun laughs softly, tasting on his own lips the salt of Heechul's tears.

 

we had no witnesses for our wedding.-

 

Heechul looks around, then locking his stare into Younghun's again.

 

-The night. The night was our witness.-

 

Night will fade away, and snow will melt under sun's heat, giving up on spring's warmth and nature's blossom.

 

And they will fade as well, death will bring them to eternal rest and they will be no more.

 

But this lifetime belongs to themselves only, and they decided to spend it together.

 

And as they walk back to Younghun's apartment, their hands locked in a continuously renewing wow, they realize they had been married since the first moment they had laid eyes on each other, 20 years ago.

 

Till the end of our days