City Lights

Daehyun/Youngjae, Daehyun POV

We were one of the same kind before.

In this gift of introversion I loathed so much previously, I took out from its box the materials of a city. People like us built a world invisible to those around us, one contrasting of the world in which we lived in, which we shared with many others, which was constructed by those who were not us.

I created a city for myself to live in. I built skyscrapers and little homes, paved roads and sidewalks, placed lampposts and traffic lights, all to my liking. And I lived in it like living in a country, but all by myself. In it I discovered much and erected tons of structures, crafting a skyline unique to who I was. In it I saw a canvas to sketch and paint on and be courageous enough to put my very own colours on it. In it I grew a wonderland which I felt alive and comfortable.

But living in two worlds is difficult. It is like having two houses and being made to travel from one to another constantly. There is only so much time and this seemingly limitless entity is still a body that becomes less when it is divided, split up. As my city grew I saw the gap between the outside world and mine grow further to the point where it became harder and harder to reach out to the other. From walking across a bridge to driving miles and miles down a highway, it became increasingly difficult to leave the city in which I had built. From the airport I watched the many planes waiting and could not see what laid over the horizon anymore. Not only was it tough to leave as easily as before, but it was also tiring to and I did not want to leave the place that I scattered myself thoroughly throughout. There was not much of me left when I had sculpted myself and my findings into this world I had made, that only I could see.

Therefore, due to the blindness of the rest who did not know of this country on the map defined by others, I always seemed to be missing (it was not their fault that they could not see something intangible). Telling them stories of a non-existent place to them would do no good. In this home I constructed for myself, others saw only a cardboard box imagined to be a world and stepped on it. The walls kept on caving in as they demanded I exit this home they thought was strange. and I, desperate, tried to hold it up with my bare hands, watching the buildings get chipped off at the ends and wobble. They would not stop and they kept prying at the boundaries of my world.

As my world began to crumble, I gave in to the pressure. The yells to leave for the other world were too loud and I was always too scared, too afraid to protect the home I had built (my child, my creation). And I, admittedly, had always hated the city in which I lived in because everyone else was on the other side and I was the only one here. I must have been abnormal; this place must have been abnormal. That was why they kept telling me to come out of my home which they termed shell. I was simply undeveloped; this silence of mine was meant to be filled with words.

In the end, I was the one who tore down the walls of my world and demolished the many structures I had spent so long making. And I stepped out after destroying the very thing that had been my haven, my sanctuary, walked out of the sky which I had painted with the colour of break of dawn.

I became lost afterwards. Like a tourist I wandered the outside world and became one like the others. I got used to life in the external world and I, who had previously thought I would be happy as there would be no more perpetual fear of my country being destroyed (the other world was indestructible and I could be understood, could be), began to doubt this notion. I felt I had lost something, I had lost the present I was given as I being afraid, gave it up for what everyone else had and wanted. I had lost my home.

I had lost myself.






Then, I met you.

Yoo Youngjae.

You, who was quiet and seemed so odd amidst the crowd of flowing people. You, who walked alone most of the time and receded to corners. You, who had trouble speaking to the rest of us and kept to yourself.

You may have thought you were minuscule then but you were magnificent to me.

It seemed, after a while of being near you (from finally noticing to observing), I saw something in you I could not see in others. I saw a b city, lights shining bright like I was a ship passing by in the night. Wandering in the sea that blended in with the midnight sky at the horizon, I had been lost but then I finally found a lighthouse in that endless darkness. But I feared getting close to you. What were the chances you would accept a homeless stranger? Thus I simply sailed by your city limits, scouring your docks and boundaries. I wished to see the convenience stores where you would jog down from your apartment to get instant noodles at midnight and the restaurants lining the alleys with their neon signs blinking erratically.

I did not just see what I lost in you. I saw much more than that, something much more than I was back then.

Would you have believed there was someone who was so mesmerised with you? You, who lived in a country surrounded by such far and wide waters, who had only a few visitors who you kept at your hotels, who built such a great city that so many were not aware of. Would you have thought you were noticed?

I swear you had been looking at me as well, was it because I was a foil to you? cCuld the thought that I would never understand you have crossed your mind? Did you ever expect that I had once been just like you?

Out of insecurity, I kept to myself despite the longing to be with you. I was so ugly, so underserving, and you were so captivating and grand. You were so beautiful I saw roses and dandelions weaved into your hair and your eyelashes reminded me of the wind against mountains. It would be foolish of me to set myself up for devastation. I was gradually being drawn in and I wanted to escape as I was simply just a pauper dreaming to hold the king's hand.

But then, in your glassy eyes, I finally realised. You, who were used to sinking into the shadows, who seemed so small by those on the other continent separated by such large seas, who were unaware of what you were. And as much as I was a shabby ship (would you feel embarrassed that I, this dishevelled, run-down boat, was so enthralled by your city?), I needed to let you know how special you were.

So I pulled into your docks, alighting from my ship while kneading the back of my neck. Unsure I was, speechless by your beauty that I could not behold, but you made it seem okay. After your shy gaze studied the floorboard, you gave me a smile. I stepped nearer and you took my hand out of niceness (I had grabbed on to enthusiastically) and walked me down the asphalt littered with puddles that reflected all the lights.

You let me into your home and gave me a place to stay. You brought me around the apartments that stood quietly in the maroon sky and sat with me on overhead bridges, watching the cars glimmering with their taillights speed past. I, who lost my home, took residence in your city you so kindly offered me. Your world is a universe, so broad and abstract.

But your home was threatened as well. The hands of the oustide world pushed at the pillars of your world and you had to brace the impact all by yourself, reconstruct the buildings that fell when the pushes got too heavy to bear. And I had to repay you for letting me live in your world. Even if they questioned me (I had become one of them, why was I with you? So queer, indeed, we were so opposite to the outside world), I did not bother as I was grateful to you. Therefore I stood by your side and pushed back those hands. I made it my mission to protect this place which had became my home, no, our home.

Amidst our bleeding arms, the debris shattering above our heads, I house you in my embrace and you gaze up at me with those doe eyes that hold all the light in the world. I feel as though I can stop breathing with you around as you infuse me with life. I wish to kiss you, gently, then explore your small mouth and gorgeous lips, but I am not worthy.

Skylines, skylines, skylines. You are beautiful.