length: 1,105 words
summary: Yifan and Luhan meet up after their departure from EXO.

The view was captivating – lights radiating all throughout the city, easily seen from the large apartment windows. They sit there in a silence, the only audible noise being the occasional clinking of ice in a glass cup, melting slowly into their alcohol. They weren’t much for drinking, but it was much needed for the conversation. The room was dark, barely any lights switched on in Yifan’s home, but it helped them appreciate the view of lights shining through their homeland. It’s somewhat calming considering the topic at hand, and the two haven’t had the opportunity to meet up since their leave, having been busy with press conferences for their movies, and interviews. It’s nice to finally see each other.

They haven’t spoken a word since Luhan arrived though, the feeling between them unclear. Yifan had gestured for Luhan to take a seat by the window while he prepared their drinks, and they’ve been sitting in silence since, with an occasional sip of their drinks. They’re both curious though – curious about each other’s current thoughts on their futures, on the others, on the matter altogether. Though, both of them aren’t exactly sure how to feel. There’s a sense of relief over both of them, glad to have their freedom back in a way, but then again, their privacy will never be fully restored. After being part of South Korea’s hottest new boy group, there’s no turning back to normal life, even if you seem to get away. But then there’s also that feeling of guilt, feeling as if they betrayed their brothers, after everything they’ve been through together, everything they’ve accomplished – sometimes they wonder if it was all worth it.

“Do you sometimes miss them?”

Yifan’s question is sudden, but Luhan doesn’t react. His gaze is still focused out the window, along the lights emitting from the buildings, and he moves his glass around in a circular motion, ice cubes clinking against the edges.

“I do, but isn’t that expected? We spent years together.”

Yifan takes in a breath, moving his gaze from Luhan to out the window. Yifan thinks about it constantly, several times a day – it’s almost haunting him. He thinks about the memories he has with the others, the hardships and accomplishments they’ve gone through together, their smiles, their laughs – it pains him, but the thoughts don’t go away. And just when he thinks he has a clear head, he’s reminded of them – billboards and posters, their songs on the radio, hearing his own voice in their songs. It makes him a bit uneasy.

“I still cry about it,” Yifan admits, staring out the window blankly. Luhan glances over at him, expression plain, but he’s frowning slightly.

“Why’d you leave then?” He asks, and it’s a question even Luhan has trouble answering. Yifan shrugs, glancing down at his drink before taking a sip.

“I had my reasons.. at the time.”

“At the time?”

“I’m sure you share the same regrets I do. Don’t you?”

Luhan looks back out the window again, releasing a sigh. Of course he does, but his regrets go further back, because now he realized there’s no turning back from any of this.

“Sometimes I wish.. I never became a trainee. That life.. it’s not a life I can live, and I realized that too late.”

Yifan’s already looking back at him, a bit surprised by his words. Luhan’s never expressed this before, and he never seemed to have felt this way, so he’s a little caught off guard.

“Do you regret EXO? Do you regret everything we did with them? What about Minseok? And Sehun?”

Closing his eyes, Luhan exhales a deep sigh, slouching in his chair. It’s these sort of questions that put him off, but he knows Yifan is curious, so he humors him.

“I don’t—I don’t regret any of that,” he shakes his head, “I regret getting in entertainment.. losing my freedom, my privacy—Sometimes I feel like if I never became a trainee, I wouldn’t have met such great people and accomplished so much.. so I wouldn’t regret losing all that when I can’t handle it anymore.” Yifan could swear he sees Luhan’s eyes watering, and that’s why Luhan keeps closing his eyes and glancing at his lap. What he’s saying is true though – If they had never experienced all these great things, they wouldn’t regret leaving those things behind because the bad things became too much to handle. Yifan misses it- them, but he doesn’t miss the endless schedules, the practicing choreography until ungodly hours of the day, the lack of privacy—the list is endless. And maybe their bond with their brothers and the success they’ve earned could’ve weighed out all the bad things if he really thought about it--

Sometimes Yifan wonders if his decision was impulsive, and when things dug in too deep with the lawsuit, there was no turning back on his decision. Sometimes Luhan wonders if his decision was just him following suit in Yifan’s footsteps because everything became too much to handle. But their thoughts always go unanswered.

“I cry about it too sometimes,” Luhan admits, and Yifan had a hunch already considering the other’s eyes have been glossy this entire time, and the single drop of a tear running down his cheek proves it. Luhan’s quick to wipe it away, but Yifan smiles sadly nonetheless. They grow silent once again, both of them staring out at the city once again. As much as it feels great to be back in their home country, that feeling of something missing is still there, and they don’t think they’ll ever be able to fill that void again. Yifan doesn’t realize that he’s shed a couple stray tears himself, too caught up in his thoughts.

“..I think I.. wish I could go back to the time we started..”

“The simple times, you mean?” Luhan responds.

“Yeah.. the simple times.”

Yifan nods to himself, and Luhan takes another sip of his drink. He sees them doing this often in the future, meeting up and dwelling on the past, sharing their thoughts about it and see how they’ve progressed. They know it’ll be hard because they see their pictures everywhere, EXO-M especially in China – they can’t escape their past no matter how hard they try. It’s those reminders of the brothers they feel they’ve “betrayed” that make them wish they could take it all back, but then the lingering thought of why they left comes back to mind. Conflicting; it always will be. But in the end, only a miracle could bring them back.

“I miss them.”

They long for that miracle.

a/n: Please, I ask that no one leaves any offensive comments regarding Luhan, Kris, EXO, or SM Entertainment. Otherwise, they will be deleted.

I hope you guys enjoy this little story ;; It made my girlfriend cry, surprisingly. This is a topic we constantly talk about, and it's a pretty emotional one to us.