OVER AND OVER

Past and present... passing each other.

I know, this could be my redemption. I should pay for my mistakes. But does the punishment really fit the crime? I didn't want to be an assassin. I didn't want to kill. It was the only thing I knew... the only ability I had. In my weakest moment, I fell into temptation. A sweet promise of escape... Yet, it was just another trap. Hell. I thought, the life I had was hell... Hah. How wrong I was... 

I wanted to be with him so badly. To fight the destiny as he told me. But even back then, I knew. I didn't deserve him. He was too good for me. Too pure. No matter, what I did, how many had I killed... he never gave up on me. Not even once. I couldn't understand. He should have hated me. Yet, he never did. Every time, I walked away. Every time, I ignored his pleas. My frozen heart would melt and bleed. I couldn't take my own life. Another foolish mistake. I was selfish. I wanted to die by his hand. Perhaps, that's why I am stuck here. I took away his innocence, tainted his soul... Maybe that's why I remember and he doesn't. Why now... in every single life I live, he is the one to give up on me. How many times, I've seen him falling in love with some pretty girl? To build his own family, leaving me all alone? How many times, I've seen him die? Some ridiculous death, mocking me as I weep, holding him in my arms? How many times, we get together, living the perfect normal life we should have in the first place, only for him to walk away... to break up with me? I lost count, how many times have I been reborn. How many times, I got my heart broken. When will it end? Will it ever? Is salvation possible for me or will I forever stay trapped in this hell? Tell me, what would you do, if every time you fell in love, you had to say goodbey?

I feel it everyday, it's all the same
It brings me down, but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Sometimes, I try to stay away. But no matter how much I ignore him, I keep meeting him and there is no escape. I cannot ignore my feelings. Every time, I fall for him. Every time, I try to win him over. And sometimes, I do. The dates went from rides in carriages, balls and riding horses to amusement parks, cafés and cinemas... No matter how much the world changes, he is the constant presence in my life. His voice sends shivers down my spine. His smile lights up the sky. His laugh makes me undone. Our small talks, gentle kisses, long stares... In those moments, I forget everything I've done. I forget, it will end. I am happy. At first, I even thought, the punishment wasn't so bad afterall... Even if I am to spend an enternity in agony, I still have those glimpses of what true happiness feels like. I can hold him in my arms and whisper everything, I've wished to tell for such a long time. I relish those moments. And every time, I have to say goodbey, I cannot wait for the next hello.

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

I am not sure how many lives it took for me to realize, that the sweet memories pale in comparison with the pain. I thought, I would get used to it. But I don't. I can't. Especially, if it usually me hurting him. I try so hard. I do everything for him. I never complain, never demand anything...  Yet, the fate continues to play its game. I have no idea what to do... Stupid accident I cause and he looses his life. Silly misunderstanding and he thinks, I've betrayed him. Guilt. It brings me down to my knees. And I pray, I plead. I cry and scream. Hurt me. I am the one to blame but please spare him. Why is he paying for my misdeeds? Why him? There is no answer. And he always dies before me. 

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down, and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

I am loosing my sanity. Each time I am reborn, I feel colder, weaker... Is this the end? I pretend, I want it. I bluff, hoping I will fool someone above. But I don't and my memories never fade. So I dream. I dream of him and that our best is yet to come. Each life feels longer, even though the years I am alive get shorter. I close my eyes and imagine this is finally the end. When I open them, Dongsoo is always there, waiting for me and I no longer wish to leave. If only, I could stop time and let us freeze in the moment we are together... He once asked me, why am I always putting him before myself, that our relationship cannot work as long as I don't ask for anything in return... that he feels guilty... as if he was taking advantage of me. If I remembered how to laugh, I would. I told him, that I am being selfish just by being with him. He didn't understand. Maybe, he never will. When I am lying on my dying bed, I ponder... can I love him more next time?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

Each time, I hope it will be different. This time, I will do it right. This time, I will atone enough. We will have our fairytale ending. This one will be worth the thousand of others. Each time, I am disappointed. It seems, the only easy day was yesterday. It's funny how one day can change your whole lifetime. If I hadn't followed the Sky Lord back then... would things be different? Would I still meet him?  Would I love him? Or would my father be the one to kill me? I sigh, looking at the sky and I notice there seems to be a lot less stars than in the past. Will this torturous circle end only when the last star disappear? There seems to be no end of them. Tears roll down my cheeks and I am ashamed. Am I even allowed to cry? Or will Dongsoo pay for my weakness again? I tremble. I am loosing myself. I cannot make it without him. All I need, all I ever wanted is him. Perhaps, that's the sacrifice I am supposed to make. So I do.

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you
Every time I do, I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

The lifes that come are the hardest of all... It's him approaching me, him trying to win me over and me pushing him away, rejecting all love confessions. And every time I don't, I almost do. Ah. I am drowning in the desert. Suffocating in air. There is no shelter. No peace. And I continue to fight, to blindly seek forgiveness I don't deserve. Lifes come and go and nothing changes. Even when, I resist him, it's still the same. So I stop. I open up again. And each fall I take, hurts a bit more. It's almost funny, how he always comes to me, shining so brightly, believing this is forever... It could have been... but over and over again we reach the end. Should I tell him the truth? Should I warn him? Would he believe me? With each life that passes by, I tell myself... Next time.

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

I lost my faith. I've thought, I never will but I have. There is no salvation, no redemption. This is not my chance to make amends, this is my own personal hell. We are having a date and I know, where it is going already.

"I just don't believe you love me." He says.

"But I do." I reply.

"Then prove it! Do something! You always look as if you were about to leave."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I've had enough. We are over."

"Wait... Please... I love you. I really do." Please just a bit longer. This time it was too short. Just a little bit more. 

"Oh my... are you turning into a lovesick fool? Please don't be so pathetic. I liked your mysterious and chic image. Are you now turning into a growling weakling?" I tense and look down. Didn't he ask me to? Nothing I ever do is enough. I've never felt more exhausted. My soul is scarred beyond repair. Why am I still trying? 

"So I was right, wasn't I?"  I chuckle.

"What?"

"To assume we won't last. You see, Dongsoo, it's not me. I've always loved you and I always will but I feared you won't feel the same and look. Call me pathetic all you want but I was right."

"Don't twist the truth like that! I'm breaking up with you because of you. You are the problem."

"Yeah... Maybe. But you are still the one leaving. Not me. I would never leave you."

"Liar! You can't prove it, can you? You are just saying that because I called your bluff. Who knows... you could leave whenever in the future."

"It's okay. I can take the blame if it makes you feel better about your decission. It wouldn't be the first time." I dryly laugh and think, that it's probably not the last time either. Ah. We had only two weeks together. Not even a very good two weeks. At least, he is not dying this time.

"What do you mean, it's not the first time?"

"Never mind." I walk away before I can say more and make another mistake.

However, the life is not yet over and I shouldn't assume, he would not die this time. We work together and there is a trip scheduled. Team building activities. I almost don't go but I really wish to see him. We are put together in one team and are supposed to collect wood for fire. We don't talk. From time to time, he glares at me but I pretend, I don't see it. Suddenly, I hear his scream and I know, I shouldn't have hoped. I run to him as fast as I can and see him on the ground, writhing in pain. Snake bite. I faintly remember how I saved his life like this a long time ago. I don't think. I get the knife and the poison out of him. Just like before. And maybe in my rush to save him, I swalloved a bit of that poison. Maybe. Just a little bit. Or maybe just a bit more.

He lives. I can't believe it. I saved him. I finally managed to save him. I don't notice the pain at first. I am far too used to it by now. When he wakes up and realizes, it was me, who saved him, I see something in his eyes. Something, I haven't seen in a long time... if ever. Devotion. I caress his face and he flinches, frown appearing on his forehead.

"Why are you so cold?"

Don't frown. Please smile for me, I beg silently.

"Woon-ah? Hey? What's wrong?"

Nothing's wrong, I think. I saved you. Everything is perfect. The last thing I remember are his arms wrapping around me as I faint. Ah. Finally. This is it. This is my peace.

It is not. I wake up in the hospital, two days later. He is sitting beside me, smiling so sadly my heart aches. However, his next words make me the happiest man on earth.

"I remember. I'm so sorry it took me such a long time but I will never forget again. I love you."

He kisses me on my forehead and I melt. 

Peace starts with a smile.

the end

a/n: lyrics by Three Days Grace - Over and Over