Sehun yawned discreetly, his tall figure somewhat hidden behind one of EXO’s most popular figure. He was more than exhausted; Sehun felt spent. The days seemed to get longer, despite them being busier. The calendar appeared to be stretched out into an unending horizon, and the ongoing events were like waves crashing against the shore repeatedly, unceasing. Sehun didn’t know what he was doing anymore; his agent was the one who possessed that knowledge. Grinding the last of his energy by giving him some treats here and there, talking to him unceasingly while he was getting his hair fixed, holding his coffee while he was getting dressed. Sehun felt like a puppet. He barely had a will of his own anymore, and as much as he knew that this was not anything that was necessarily owed to him, that he was lucky… Oh Sehun didn’t feel privileged at all anymore to be what he was; one of Korea’s most popular young men. It was a shocking realization, and one that he would probably never share with anyone. He tried to make excuses for it; he was tired, he was not in a very good place right now. His fans were shouting his name and all he could think of was how quiet it was at night in the little hours where he managed to get sleep.

 

Yawning again, he leaned his head against the pillar next to him. The one person who he believed to be mad enough to actually still enjoy what he was doing. Kim Jongin. Sehun practically snuggled himself against the curve of Jongin’s neck and stayed there, counting the seconds in his head. Fancams would capture this moment, maybe someone would even write about it. Who cared? Not Oh Sehun, he never really had. Sehun almost always did what he was told, but there was one person who he always obeyed to the letter. And that person was also Kim Jongin.

 

Jongin gave him a quick nudge with his shoulder, signaling that Sehun should move, compose himself, smile a little. He did just that, he even waved, threw a few kisses at a few cameras… and then the lights went out and it was time to go. But Sehun knew all too well that his head would not hit the pillow any time soon. And when it finally did, Sehun still had this bewildering feeling that inside of him was a hole that could not be filled. He tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, but unlike his fellow members, Sehun didn’t like sleep. He appreciated the quiet around it, but he would always believe that sleep is a waste of time. But what else would he do? For now, Sehun just laid awake in his twin sized bed, his companions in the room already asleep. He was uncomfortable, to say the least, listening for something that wasn’t quite there. A sound that would reassure him, possibly. He sighed, realizing how pathetic it was that now, of all times, he was thinking about it. How lonely he was. Sehun palmed his crotch, scratching the balls over the layer of fabric that was his boxers and coughed a little. The cough was his way of making sure everyone was asleep. When no one tossed or turned, he got up from his bed, slid on some sweat pants and headed out of the room.

 

It was cold out in the kitchen. January had to be one the coldest month of the year and Sehun didn’t seem to mind that he was covered in goosebumps as he opened the fridge to look for something to eat. His hunt was interrupted by the obnoxious sound of someone clearing their throat. Afraid to have been caught by the staff Sehun held his breath for a second and risked a glance behind him. He released it immediately when he realized that it was only Jongin.

 

No… not only Jongin. It was Jongin. Jongin who loved his job and worked hard, Jongin who somehow had his head over water when everyone else seemed to be sinking and drowning. Sehun turned his attention back to the fridge and grabbed something to drink instead. He only realized what it was when he started drinking, kicking the fridge close behind him. Jongin was staring at him. Jongin loved to stare at people when he wasn’t under the ever watchful eye of the camera. Sehun knew that Jongin had a few things he preferred in life as well as all his pet peeves. Sehun knew a lot about Jongin. It wasn’t something he was particularly aware of, or actually put continuous effort into. But Sehun and Jongin always ended up together, and always in the oddest of places. Such as now, in the kitchen, with bare chests and empty stomachs. Maybe it was because their personalities fit together real well, maybe it was because they needed each other. Not unbearably, but enough to know that everything was going to be all right.

 

“Thought you didn’t like strawberry flavored milk,” Jongin said, walking past Sehun and grabbing something from the fridge as well.

 

Sehun ignored his remark and continued drinking in silence. As Jongin returned to his initial position, he brushed his arm against Sehun’s and it gave Sehun goose bumps all over again. Jongin pretended not to notice, but he was aware of Sehun’s odd behavior more than anyone. Why? Because Jongin stared a lot. He was the observant type and he liked to keep his observations to himself mostly, but with Sehun he always had trouble not getting involved. Jongin never questioned it; how Sehun was on his mind a lot in general lately, because he always seemed on the fence somehow, debating whether his life was really worth anything. Jongin was worried, perhaps. Maybe concerned to say the least that Sehun wasn’t as happy as he ought or used to be. Jongin his lips and stared at Sehun some more who was now returning his gaze steadily. The taller man thought about it for a little bit; how everyone in EXO was tolerably beautiful but how he could not think of Jongin as anything else than attractive. He hadn’t thought about it in a while, just how bi Jongin sometimes made him feel. Because there was no point in nurturing these kinds of feelings. Not now, not ever. Jongin would not be the type to take any of it lightly, and yet when Sehun saw him stare like that he had a feeling that Jongin was genuinely curious about what it felt to be held by a man, especially a man such as him.

 

Then again…. maybe that’s not what he was thinking about at all. Maybe Jongin was just admiring how tall he’d grown to be and how much more handsome he was as a blonde. Maybe he was just looking for grey hair on the surface of his head. The thought momentarily amused Sehun and caused him to smile. Jongin smiled back as if he understood. Jongin always seemed to understand him, even when no words were said.

 

For a long time, nothing passed between them. They only looked at each other, maybe hoping one of them would say something, release them from this spell. It was Jongin who finally moved, who stirred the peaceful waters, who broke their stillness. He lifted a hand to Sehun’s face and unexpectedly caressed it. Sehun frowned, not sure how to process this gesture, but he didn’t move away. Because this was Jongin, and whatever Jongin had to give he would take. He was that desperate lately. He needed Jongin.

 

“You look terrible,” Jongin whispered.

 

Sehun chuckled. “A thousand females would beg to differ.”

 

Jongin smiled sadly at him, “I didn’t mean your general looks, stupid.” He put his other hand on the opposite side of Sehun’s face.

 

It didn’t look manly at all, the way they were suddenly drawing closer to each other, giving in to something they’d both silently and secretly cultivated over the years. Sehun was too broken to care about his pride, and too sad to realize that it was already too late to back down at this point.

 

“Jongin,” Sehun said as he felt himself lean over a little. Jongin’s hands felt uncomfortably warm against the tender flesh of his face but he didn’t want them to go away.

 

“Hm?” Jongin replied thoughtfully.

 

“Are you really planning to kiss me in the kitchen?”

 

Jongin bit his lower lip and for a moment without breaking eye contact. For a moment, it looked like he was going to let go and release his hold on Sehun, but then he smiled. “Would you mind?”

 

Sehun thought about it for a second and then realized that he didn’t, really. But for the sake of the other members, maybe it would be better if they didn’t flesh out their peculiar needs out here where anyone could simply walk in on them. Middle of the night or not, this was the EXO dorms. So Jongin let go, completely. It threw Sehun off balance a little, but he didn’t think it was any more symbolic than drinking strawberry milk when he didn’t like it.

 

Jongin took a few steps back and watched, mesmerized, as Sehun followed him closely, not letting any more room crowd the space between them. “What are you doing?” Jongin whispered, genuinely curious.

 

“Following you, like always,” Sehun explained.

 

“That’s bull, Sehun. You always do whatever the you want,” Jongin corrected.

 

“Doesn’t feel that way anymore,” Sehun interrupted bitterly. “I don’t even get to pick my boxers anymore. Promote this , wear that.Go there, wait here. Tell me Jongin, just how am I doing whatever the I want?”

 

“How about this?” Jongin said, sliding his hand over Sehun’s hip. “What if you could do whatever you wanted right now? What would you do?”

 

“I would take you to bed,” Sehun boldly said, “I would make you say just how badly you need me and then I would satisfy you completely.”

 

Jongin froze on the spot. Sehun realized that maybe he wasn’t expecting such a bold declaration. But he was Oh Sehun, and when Oh Sehun was asked a direct question, he answered. He backed away just a little, just in case. The movement seemed to snap Jongin out of his reverie and all of the sudden his hands were on Sehun’s neck, pulling his face to his until their lips grazed and instantly melted against each other. They weren’t technically still in the kitchen, but they were still in the open. The kiss wasn’t hot or particularly enticing, but it was intense and almost bitter. There were a few nose bumps as their lips moved and angled around each other, but they barely noticed. Searching and exploring, lightly brushing tongue against tongue. Sehun felt like he was undergoing shock treatment. He hadn’t fantasized about this in such a long time, kissing someone, anyone, that it felt overwhelmingly good. He couldn’t help but take his time and delight himself in the pleasant feel of Jongin plush lips against his. A few times, he nibbled and tugged at Jongin’s lower lip and watched him close his eyes and enjoy it. Other times Jongin would slide his fingers further up in Sehun’s hair, and then he couldn’t help but let one small moan escape his lips.

 

It might have been enough to keep kissing like that, slowly and carefully. Sehun was enjoying himself, listening to the sound of their kisses and . But then Jongin managed to capture his tongue between his lips and he started at it and the gesture felt so lewd that they had to pause and stare at each other for some time.

 

Sehun his lips and Jongin smirked, doing the same. “That was nice,” Sehun said, his arms still resting on Jongin’s shoulders.

 

Jongin let out a sigh and, taking a hand off of Sehun’s waist, brushed his fingers through his own hair. “Nice?” He asked. He almost looked disappointed and Sehun thought it amusing that he would get flustered by such a stupid thing as poor wording. Of course, Jongin worked hard at everything, even kissing, so Sehun thought he probably anticipated a lot more of feedback than ‘it was nice’.

 

Sehun grabbed Jongin’s chin and tugged at it until they were staring each other in the eye. “Let me also add, that even though you’re the first guy I’ve kissed, you feel better than any other girl I’ve kissed.”

 

Jongin smiled back and started rubbing Sehun’s back gently, almost adoringly. Sehun felt so special in that instance that he had almost forgot just how miserable he was. “Well for a guy who doesn’t kiss guys, you seem to enjoy kissing me a lot. Although I would have to admit, that you’re also the first guy I’ve ever kissed.”

 

“Hmmm,” Sehun replied pensively, pushing back Jongin’s brown hair with one of his hands, “one would ask why?”

 

Jongin chuckled, “I learned from the best to just get what want.”

 

Sehun tried to ignore the warmth building up in the pits of his stomach as he took in the audacious words Jongin had just pronounced. “That man hardly exists anymore.” He said, laughing at how uncool it all sounded and he let go of Jongin, who somehow, managed to grab his hand.

 

“I know what you’re thinking. Pretty much everybody feels the same way right now. But we have  to remember why we started all of this. What was your dream, starting this life?” Jongin said, pulling Sehun to the living room.

 

Sehun thought for a moment, but nothing came to mind. “I don’t even remember,” he admitted, taking a seat next to Jongin.

 

“Well, regardless, I will make you remember,” Jongin said leaning over and pushing Sehun down until they were both lying down, half piled over each other, a mess of tangled limbs and milky skin against copper skin. “I promise.”

Sehun prayed that he was right, and hearing Jongin’s pulse gradually slow down as he fell into slumber, Sehun let himself slip away, but not before he pulled Jongin even closer to him and in that fashion, Sehun finally fell into a peaceful slumber.