To:  [email protected]

Cc/Bcc:

Subject: Not your fault

I’m smoking again. But it’s not your fault.  I’m a person and even though you tried to help me get better, all I did was push you away. It’s not that I didn’t want your help. I appreciated you trying to fix me. I just didn’t want you to see my weak side. I’m supposed to be strong and courageous, something that you are. You’re everything that I’m not and I can’t compete with you. You’re too precious to be stained by smoke and ashes.

I bought a pack of sticks on Thursday. After 3 months of  being clean, I broke it by lighting up a cigarette and smoking like a ing chimney. God damn it, I’m so sorry that I’m so messed up. I swear that I’m not doing this because I’m trying to kill myself. Here’s a joke, you can’t kill something that’s already dead can you?

Holy I want you to read this. I want to send this message to you but I’m such a coward. I miss you so ing much it hurts even more than setting my lungs on fire.

Maybe I’m smoking to numb the pain. I don’t know.

I wish that I could see you again.

Draft Saved 1/02/15 at 6:18 pm