LEENA POV

The sun shines through the window, making me lay a hand over my face, squinting my eyes. I forgot to put the curtains down before I went to sleep last night. Surprisingly, I’m not grumpy with the sunlight pouring on me, which is really weird. I stretch my body on the bed and jolt right up when something crosses my mind. Was it a dream? Or it’s real? There’s only one way to find out. I reach for my phone on the bedside table, my heart skips a beat at the last text I received. And the last text I sent.

So it happened! I’m not dreaming! Staring at our conversation, memories of last night slowly emerge from my still cloudy head. The corners of my lips arch upwards when I recapture the gentle way his thumbs wipe away my tears and the featherlike kisses he dropped on my face. Most of it all, the words slipped from his mouth and his embrace, they make me feel whole again. It’s inconceivable how a simple act could put your broken pieces back together.

The sudden buzz of my phone startles me, but I giggle a little when I look at the sender.

Seunghyun: Good morning, did you sleep well? I’m missing you already… :( 

Leena: Breakfast together? You get to choose topping for your pancakes.

My heart sinks at his reply.

Seunghyun: I’d love to. But I’m at the studio now, recording. I gotta go, Daesung’s whining. See you tonight.

Sitting on my bed, my eyes assessing the room I’ve been living in for years. It’s dreadfully quiet. It hits me hard when I realise that’s something I’ve to deal with if I decided to date a celebrity. There goes the euphoric I felt minutes ago, it’s now replaced by, well, nothing. I feel empty.

Footsteps coming down the hallway and seconds later the door to my bedroom is opened, a sleep head popping out behind it. “Mommy?” “Hey, baby, come to mommy.” I open my arms and he jumps onto me, rubbing his half lidded eyes with his hand.

The emptiness is now filled with love and joy the moment the adorable kid enters my sight. “What do you want for breakfast today, honey? Pancakes, omelettes or sandwiches?” My question is not answered for the kid leaning against my chest has fallen into his dreamland. I let out chuckles and tenderly lay back down on the bed, carefully not to wake him up.

I hold him close to me, patting his back slightly. For the past few years, I lived for one thing, and one thing only. To give Clarence everything I could. But there’s something I know I’d never be able to give him. A father.

For times it had struck me when he played with Clarence that this kind of man is a father I’d like Clarence to have, someone who wouldn’t discriminate, someone who loves Clarence and… Before yesterday, my thought stopped at this point whenever I chewed upon the possibilities between us, me and him. I was sure that he loves Clarence, what I wasn’t sure about was his feeling towards me. Who am I to deserve him? It’s not self-depreciation, it’s self-consciousness.

But he changed me, he explicitly convinced me with both his words and actions that we might have a chance after all. That’s a risk I’d willingly take.  

I look down at the angel who suddenly stirs in his sleep, only to meet with a pair of rounded eyes. I ask in concern, “What’s it baby? Nightmare?” He fumbles through the pocket of his pyjamas. I raise a brow when he takes out a piece of paper from the pocket.

“Uncle Man left this in my room, I wanted to give it to you just now, but I was too sleepy.” He yawns and falls back slumber once I take the paper in my hand.

Unable to suppress the surging curiosity, I turn the paper to read what’s written on it. “Buddy, here is a mission from Superman. Pull mommy to balcony the moment you see this note.” I chuckle when I notice the Superman sign he drew on the right bottom of the paper. The public calls him the charismatic rapper, but he’s just a childish three years old.

Oops, balcony. Gently I pull away from the Clarence’s entangled limbs and walk to the balcony. My heartbeat accelerates as I approach the sliding door. The first thing enters my sight when I walk out to the balcony is a giant teddy bear of my size.

Yes, you get me right, it’s of my size. No, it’s of my height but it’s bigger than me. The light brown teddy bear is now sitting on my balcony, lying against the railing between the two houses. When did he put it here? I giggle when I imagine him struggle to put the giant bear from his balcony to mine.  

As I come near, I notice a card slipped between the bear’s legs. I sit beside the bear, resting my head on its furry shoulder as I pick up the card and open it. It has the same handwriting as the paper.

“Don’t pout, this friend is at your service while I’m away. He’s not as comfortable to hug as me though, but I guess you’ve to compromise for now. >.^ I love you.”

A big smile cracks across my face as I shift a little to hug the new fluffy family member almost twice of my size. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”

When he said he’d see me tonight, I expected him to join us for dinner, which he didn’t show himself. In fact, he didn’t until he walked out to his balcony few minutes ago, a glass of wine in his hand. We shared the comfortable silence staring into the sky decorated with flickering stars.

“So I see, you’d given my friend a shelter.” I don’t have to look at him to know he’s definitely smirking now. “Your friend?” I fake a surprised look. “I don’t know about your friend, but I do have a new member with us, I guess he’s having a very good time with my son.”

He splutters, “With Clarence? That’s for you! It marks our first day and you just gave it to Clarence?” I bite down on my lips to suppress my laughter from bursting out before turn to look at him with feigned innocence. “How do I know it’s for me? I didn’t even know it’s from you. You should at least leave a note or something.”

He’s obviously astounded now. “I did! I put it in…” He stops when I guffaw at my little trick. He frowns, but it changes to a pout when realisation hits him. “Now I feel put upon.” I giggle at his childish act. “Sorry. But I can’t help it, you’re just too adorable.” I say while putting a hand on my stomach, almost doubling over.

I add when I finally steady myself, “But the Clarence part is true. He really likes the bear, he drags him everywhere around the house today, can you imagine that? I can’t see him when he’s with the bear.” That’s true, it scared the hell out of me when I saw the bear sliding down the hallway, then a little head popped out from behind it and squealed excitedly at me, “Mommy, I’m bringing teddy to watch telly.”

“I’ll get another for Clarence, just keep it with you.” Oh no, this man sure knows his strength, otherwise he won’t be giving me the enticing puppy eyes. As much as I wish to give in right away, I’ve to be a little more strong-willed. Raising a brow I challenge him, “Give me a reason.”

“Because that’s for my girlfriend and if my memory serves me right, I’m not dating Clarence. But since the chance is now opened, I might as well consider it. I like him at first sight, you know that.” He downs the glass of wine and lock eyes with me, a smirk plastered on his face. I flush when he mentions “girlfriend” but the ridiculous confession towards Clarence dumbfounds me. “Yah, you e!”

“But why, mommy?” I serve the eggs and sausages on a plate and walk over to the whining kid sitting at the kitchen table. Pouring orange juice into a glass, I explain, “Because it’s not a place you should go, Clarence.”

Then a husky voice chimes in, “Where’s that place you shouldn’t go, buddy?” The mentioned kid looks up as his saviour enters the kitchen. “Mommy says children are not allowed to the room you make music.” Another pouting monster. I roll my eyes. “Studio, it’s a studio.” For this whole morning, I’ve been expounding the best I could about “studio”.

If I ever found out the person instilled this whole studio thing to my kid, I swear I’d— “I promised to bring him there.” He utters casually, taking a sip of coffee from the mug I just passed to him.

I stare at him, arms akimbo. “So you’re the culprit of this fuss?” I pull his plate away when he reaches it with a fork. Disappointedly he retreats. “He has been asking for my whereabouts for days. I don’t think telling a lie to this innocent child is proper, right?” He ruffles the frizzy haired kid sitting beside him.

“Yes! Lying’s not good, mommy.” These two chimps team up again. I roll my eyes skywards. “But what’s with the promise? You shouldn’t have promised if you can’t do it.”

When I’m not looking, he grabs the plate from me and prongs a sausage before I slap his hand. “Yah.” He returns a triumphant grin. Still chewing a mouthful of sausage, he reasons, “Why would I make a promifff if I can’t kipit? I’m bringin’ him laffer.” I make a disgusted look at him and he grins, sending another sausage into his mouth.

“Does that mean I get to go?” The left out kid asks apprehensively, and we both shift our attention to him with an apologetic smile for disregarding him as we get too immersed in our little bubble.

“Are you sure about that? I don’t wanna burden you.” He replies with cheerful voice, “Burden? I’m glad to show him my second home. Besides, my members want to meet my buddy too.” He pinches the mentioned kid’s cheek and the latter grins. I smile at the sight. They look so alike when they grin.

Shaking my head amusedly, I compromise. “Alright. It’s good to get a day-off once in a while.” The chimps high-five and do the bro-fist thing that only the two of them understand.

SEUNGHYUN POV

“Look who’s here.” I open the door to studio and guide Clarence to enter with a hand on his back. Daesung and Seungri turn around at my voice, spring up from their seat when Clarence bows and greets them in Korean. “Hi, Clarence!” “Omo he’s so cute!” “Can I hug you?” “I’m hyung, me first.” Daesung lifts the kid off the ground and into his arms, bouncing him a little after successfully shoved Seungri onto the couch.

“Hey, hey, be careful, his mom will kill me without a second thought if he got injured.” “Aigoo, our Hyung’s a henpecked boyfie,” Daesung teases, looking at Clarence whose arms wrapped around his neck. The kid laughs along, although I’m pretty sure he knows neither the meaning of “boyfie” nor the fact that his mom and I are currently… in a relationship.

“Whatever, put him down, he’s not a doll, don’t bounce him like that. Get one yourself if you’re so desperate for a kid.” Seungri who has recovered from Daesung’s forceful shove stands up and joins the league of “let’s tease Hyung” as he smirks, “Not everyone would get a hot neighbour. I guess we’re just not as lucky as our Hyung here.”

For the umpteenth times since I entered this room, I roll my eyes. “Okay, okay, enough for the teasing, let’s get to work, my lovely dongsaengs.”

Daesung and Seungri walk into the studio as I sit down by the workstation with Clarence by my side. He’s astonished by almost everything comes into his sight from the moment he steps into YG building. Wows are the only sound he could produce all the way to the studio. Now his eyes are captured by the buttons and blinking lights at the mixing console.

“This is what you did everytime you disappeared?” He asks, eyes still locked on the console. “Disappeared? I wouldn’t use that word, but yea, this is pretty much what I do.” I press a button so the two in the studio can hear me, “Guys, I say we start from the line maknae fuc….messed up yesterday, is that ok?” Giggles from the studio reaffirm me the two perceive my sudden change of word is because of none but the kid beside me. Swearing in front of a kid just doesn’t feel right to me, let alone THIS kid.

Three hours later, gone the smugly maknaes, they practically crawl out from the studio. “I can’t do this anymore, I’m gonna die if you make me sing one more word.” “I need water, and food. I feel like I’m gonna faint any moment.” They plop their lifeless bodies onto the couch. “Don’t exaggerate. Jiyong locked you up for five hours and you didn’t say a word.” I roll towards them on my swivel chair. “A word and he’ll make us stay for another ten hours, we’re not stupid.” Daesung murmurs half asleep and Seungri rests his head on the older’s lap and say, “Plus, we love you, Hyung. Give us a break. You don’t want us to die young, right?”

Unarguably, they do look like they could pass out any moment. “Okay, go grab something and come back after two hours, no more than that. We need to get this done by tomorrow, it’s taking too long.” The two lifeless bodies come back to life at my words as they jump up from the couch and hug each other in relief.

“Come on buddy, let’s go get something for you, you must be starving. YG’s cafeteria is famous for its yummy food.” Seungri stretches out a hand to Clarence. The kid looks at me quizzically. I smile. “I’m staying, you can go with Daesung-samchoon and Seungri-samchoon.” I look over him to the two standing by the door. “Grab me anything from the café. Just don’t forget my coffee.”

Seungri scoffs, “Given that bizarre request of yours, how would we forget?” He nudges Daesung, “Bull’s eye, the name solely is terrifying.” The older simply shrugs, “I know right… The only two in YG with this bizarre order, five extra shots in that small cup.” Seungri makes a nauseated face at “five extra shots”. Daesung points at me, “One is here, another one coming out soon.”

There goes again. I lay against the back of the chair and glare at them. “Shut up and go before I shove the whole cup of bull’s eye down your throat.” My expression changes one-eighty when I look at Clarence. “Go with samchoons, okay?” His eyes dart between me and the maknaes. “If Uncle Man’s not going, I’m staying too.”

They both shrug. “Okay, samchoon will get you something delicious.”

Closing the door halfway, Daesung comes back in with a concerned look. “Hyung, I don’t mean to stress you, but it’s better off if you can figure out what’s the ‘something not in right place’ you’ve been murmuring about when we come back.” “Fighting, Hyung,” he smiles and adds when I look at him defeatedly.

I bury my head in my hands once the door is closed. I’d be more than happy to pull out all my hair if doing so can help figure out where or what exactly is the inharmony I feel so strongly with the song.

A tiny voice asks, “Uncle Man, are you alright?” I lift my head in frustration, but my eyes soften when I see his innocent face. Spend a few seconds to explain won’t hurt. “It’s just… I’m just… I’m working on this song samchoons sang just now—” He nods in understanding. “And there’s something doesn’t feel right, like it doesn’t belong to that place, but I don’t know where or what it’s…” I turn to face the mixing console, adjusting few buttons. “Let’s listen for few more times to see if I can spot it out… I’m getting rusty… usually Jiyong’s with me… if we’re still going nowhere, uncle will send you back home first…” With that barely audible voice, I’m muttering to myself rather than talking to the kid beside me, but he nods again in silence.

“Here,” he excitedly points a finger at the console. I press a button to stop the music playing in the room. “Sorry?” “Seungri-samchoon’s voice sounds weird in here.” Cocking my head to a side, I reverse and replay. “Bingo!” I jump up, ing a fist in the air, then lift Clarence up into the air, staring at him in thrill. “You’re a genius!”  

He gives me a puzzled look. I laugh. “Jiyong’s got a competitor now.” I pinch his cheeks gently, making him blush. “Clarence-ya, you’re of great help today, do you know that?” I chuckle as he gives me the what-did-I-do look. “I need to make a little rearrangement with the music so that Seungri-samchoon won’t sound weird again—” He makes a silent “ow” with his rounded mouth. “Then we can go home together. Does that sound great?” He nods, giggling.

A week passed with my daily routine. In the simplest terms, I went back and forth between my house and the studio. I brought Clarence with me every now and then, he seemed infatuated with all the music instruments and those “buttons that can produce beautiful melody”, that’s what he said. I wish I could have him with me everyday, but my girlfriend wouldn’t let him. “He’s just a child, I don’t want him get cooped up in a room at this age, he might end up like you.”

I frowned at her statement. Was she satirizing me by being protective over her son? I pouted when she looked at me with a smirk. “Yah, that’s how you pamper your hard-working boyfriend? You like me anyway.” I approached her, drawing circles on my stomach with my palm. “I haven’t been eating since this morning.” She faked a sigh and walked over to the stove, shaking her head slightly. “I start to think I’m your cook, Seunghyun-ssi.”

I took a seat by the kitchen counter, propping my head with a palm and smiling like a fool. “Ani, I just happen to have a girlfriend who can cook, Leena-ssi.” We both laughed as she warmed the “leftover from dinner” and I had my eyes glued at her figure, never shifted away a moment.

My buddy whispered to me before he went to bed, “We had spaghetti tonight and mommy made potato stew but she won’t let me have a bite. I guessed that’s for you, Uncle Man.” He giggled before leaving a kiss on my cheek and climbing the stairs to his room.

Another month has passed in the blink of an eye. If I were to describe our relationship with a word, it’d be “ordinary”. I’ve always had this feeling that we’re pretty much like the spouses who both working and we raise a son together. We don’t get to see each other much during weekdays except for me having dinner (or supper, or late supper, or just wine, that depends) over her house. We’d spend time cuddling on the couch, chattering about almost everything. She’d tell me how the intern drops the pile of papers in front of the potential investor of her company, or what Korean words Clarence has successfully speak without his American accent. I’d tell her how goofy the two monkeys at the studio, or the progress of their album, and also mine.

It sounds mundane, even a little insipid. But that’s what I have been craving for, living an ordinary life with someone I love, doing something I like, building a family. I told my mom, “I’ve found my root.”

Everything is perfect.

Except for one, the truth I once so determined that I’d be able to tell her when our relationship has gone steady. If it’s not steady now, I don’t know when is. That’s exactly the reason I cower, we’ve gone through a lot to come to where we are now, and I’m terrified by the unknown consequence if she ever found out the truth. I can’t bear losing her, the mere thought of it is enough to crumple me.

And so every morning I wake up to the resolution to come clean with her and end up sleeping with the immature thought to stall the confession. I just couldn’t do it. I can’t just throw the bomb in her face and expect her to be all right.

LEENA POV

Passing the pint of chocolate mint ice-cream to him which he accepts with a childish smile, I slide down and cuddle against his chest. “What did you say just now?” I nuzzle my cheek into his chest, taking in his scent, a hand wrapping loosely around his waist.

He puts the pint on his lap, scoop a spoonful into his mouth and answers, “Take a day off tomorrow, we’ve a place to go.” “Hmm?” I can only hum in response as he sends another spoonful in my direction, “Where?” I my head to look at him.

He smirks, “You’ll wait for tomorrow.” Knowing he can be very stubborn when he wants to, I give up pressing on that matter. “Did you tell Clarence?” “Nah. It’ll be two of us.” I sit right up, eyes widened. “You can’t be serious.”

“I’m serious,” he remarks nonchalantly, indulging himself with the pint of ice-cream. “I’m not leaving him alone at home, I never leave him alone at home, you should know better than that.” I move to another side of the couch, leaving a space enough for two Clarence between us, not looking at him.

He places the pint on the coffee table and scoots closer to me. I slap his hand away, determined not to lock eyes with him. He scoots closer again, I try to move away but that’s the furthest I can go. He sighs gently and puts an arm on the couch over my shoulder. “Baby, hear me out first, ok?”

Silent.

He grabs my hand and intertwine our fingers. I look at our connected hands and realise I’ve perhaps overreacted. “Okay.” He sighs in relief and bends over to meet my eyes. “Noona promised to look after him when we’re away. Besides, Joon could use a company, they seemed to get along well last time they met.” I chuckle. “It’s the first time Clarence got a Hyung.”

“Noona said they will just sleepover at my parent’s. Maybe make some kimchi, they’ll have so much fun.” I nod unknowingly as I picture them making pickles together. “That sounds fun.” His hopeful face comes closer. “Then how about us? We should have fun too.”

I know where this is going. Despite I’ve decided to go to that mysterious place with him, a little tease won’t hurt. I tap my index finger on my lips, pretending to be in deep thought. “Hmm… I say, we can join them? I’ve never made kimchi before!” Disappointment is written all over his face, even his eyes have turned dim. He compromises reluctantly, “Well… I really wish we can have our time together… but…yea…kimchi sounds…good—” Whatever rambling he wishes to go on is cut off by my kiss. I can taste ice-cream in his mouth. When we finally pull away for air, I whisper between panting breaths, “I like you better, kimchi can wait.”

Once again his eyes brighten up with contentment, a big smile forms on his face as he pulls me back in for another kiss.