Taecyeon looks forlornly at the man sitting in front of him at the dining table. He tries his best to keep it at minimum, the stealing glance, the longing look because the man in front of him, Jang Wooyoung is his brother in law.

“Stop torturing me Woo.” Taecyeon thought. Even as obvious as he can be to any person living on earth, Wooyoung just doesn’t have any clue. Taecyeon met him during his second year of college and he can assure everyone how true love at first sight can be. There were friend, best friend and that was all there‘ll ever be.

Flash back…

“I’m home.” Taecyeon said as he walks into the house. He sees his umma and brother sitting on the sofa of their living room looking gloomily at him.

“Taec…” his older brother said. His mother just stays silent.

“What’s with the heavy atmosphere Khun?” Taec asks curiously as he takes the empty seat.

“I’m getting married.” Nichkhun answers slow. Taecyeon frowns.

“How can a good news accompanied by gloomy surrounding.” He thought.

“I don’t understand Khun. Isn’t umma and your reaction a bit out of place?” Taecyeon points out. Nichkhun sighs heavily.

“It’s Woo Taec, I have to marry Jang Wooyoung.” Nichkhun said but all Taecyeon can hear is the sound of his heart shattering to pieces.

“Of course, being the older Nichkhun can’t escape the inevitable fate of arranged marriage. That’s the way of their family. But how can it slips Taecyeon’s mind that Wooyoung is a Jang…both of their fathers are best friends since cradle.” Taecyeon thought.

“What’s irony…I planned to confess to him today.” Taecyeon doesn’t realize that he speaks his thought out loud. The gloomy atmosphere becomes heavier.

“I’m sorry Taec.” Nichkhun apologizes making Taecyeon feels more dejected than he already is.

End of flash back…

Taecyeon watches again as Wooyoung happily chatting with Nichkhun. He realizes how cautious Nichkhun acts around him. He forces a smile as assurance for Nichkhun. Because, even when Nichkhun married the love of his life, Nichkhun still is his brother and Taecyeon still love and respect him. Taecyeon turns to his left when someone tugs his shirt.

“Oppa, is something bothering you?” His girlfriend Bae Suzy asks. Taecyeon shakes his head. He feels bad. She’s a convenient his mother introduce to him and Taecyeon being the lost soul at that time blindly accept. Taecyeon looks up again and lets out a relief sigh when the dinner is over. He feels obliged to send Suzy to the door.

“Oppa, we’ll meet again tomorrow.” Suzy said while smiling and Taecyeon leans in to kiss her.

“At least I’ll show her that I care.” Taecyeon thought.

~”I’ll pretend i don’t wish the person i kiss isn’t you”~

Taecyeon is drunk, heavily drunk. He had a huge fight with Suzy.  She accused him of cheating. She thought that Taecyeon had an affair with his secretary and she begs for some time apart. Taecyeon was furious of course. Because Suzy decides to point it out in front of that man, in front of Wooyoung. Taecyeon take another sip from the bottle as the sight of Wooyoung looking at him shockingly flashes in his mind.

“It’s wrong. It’s a terrible misunderstanding. Because how can that be? How can Taecyeon have eyes for another when it’s clear as a day whom his heart belong too. To no other beside him, Jang Wooyoung.” Nichkhun who realize the truth after seeing desperate plea his brother sent to him can only look sympathetically. Because Nichkhun knows, even it is his wife his brother has eyes for, matter of heart is no simple thing. It is a fact that Taecyeon found Wooyoung first.

“Hey, do you need company?” A girl with long hair breaks Taecyeon thought. Taecyeon who’s lost accept the invitation.

“There’ll be no moral to consider when I’m a broken shell of a man.” Taecyeon thought as he follows to wherever the girl pulls him too.

~”I’ll pretend i don’t wish the girl i sleep with isn’t you”~

When Taecyeon hears that Suzy times out means open to a new relationship he breaks their relationship and accept his mother effort to mend his heart, to keep his mind focus to another thing, another person. That’s when he meets Kim Minjun. Taecyeon realizes how his mother tries too much this time. Because Taecyeon have to admit that Minjun tucks something in his heart. He’s able to sincerely smile. He feels good. But it stills not enough.  Because the butterflies in his stomach do not flutter the same way he did. Taecyeon feels terribly guilty this time. Minjun’s a good guy and Taecyeon tries with all his might but how could he? When his mind, his eyes, his heart is only fill with the same person…Jang Wooyoung. Once again Taecyeon felt into despair.

~ “I’m going to have to pretend i don’t wish my next relationship won’t be with you”~

Somehow Minjun manages to keep their relationship strong. Taecyeon wants to come clean because that’s the right thing to do. Minjun have the right to know. It’s not fair for Minjun to love the man that loves not him but someone else. When Taecyeon manages to muster all of his courage to talk to his boyfriend, a cheerful voice that’s keeps hunting his dream breaks his heart again. Taecyeon can’t help but wonder how he can still do that after all this time.

“Hey guys, we have great news to tell. Next year we’ll have another addition to our family.” Wooyoung said clearly excited and Taecyeon literally feel every words coming from Wooyoung wrenching his already shattered heart. Taecyeon watches as Minjun congratulate Wooyoung happily and he tries his best to mask his expression and that’s when Nichkhun’s eyes catch him. Nichkhun looks guiltily at him and Taecyeon feels his will falter. Because Nichkhun knows. His brother always able to see beyond the layer of his pretentious masks.

“Please, don’t feel sorry for me. Not you. I already feel sorry enough to rivals your entire sympathy gaze.” Taecyeon thought. After the news settle down, Taecyeon decides to get away.

“Taec, are you ok? You look tense.” Minjun asks breaking Taecyeon from his thought. Taecyeon turns and give a light smile at Minjun.

“I’m being cruel to you Min.” Taecyeon thought before he speaks.

“Min, let’s get engaged. I’m jealous of Khunnie.” Taecyeon said out of sudden. Minjun smiles happily.

“You’re so childish Taec.” Minjun said with a light blush.

“Is it a yes or no?” Taecyeon asks again.

“Of course it’s a yes.” Minjun answers happily as he jumps to hugs Taecyeon.

“I’m sorry for doing this to you.” Taecyeon thought as he hugs Minjun back.

~ “I’ll pretend that i don’t wish the person i get engaged to isn’t you.”

Afraid that he’ll falter, after 3 months of engagement Taecyeon decides to marry Minjun. His father’s words keeps replaying in his mind.

“Love someone that loves you back.”  Taecyeon sighs. If it’s as easy as it’s said.  He stops in front of his bedroom door. Taecyeon knows that Minjun waits behind the door. It’s their wedding night. He contemplates to himself whether he’s doing the right decision. He closes his eyes and heaves a deep breath.

“Taec, stop torturing yourself and start making someone happy. You should be happy seeing the one you love happy, right?” Taecyeon recalls his mother’s words.

“Even umma thought I’m a lost cause.” Taecyeon mumbles as he steps into the room. Because no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he denies it, no matter how hard he pretends, his heart refuse to acknowledge it. His heart still stubbornly beating for the same person.

“Hey Taec, it’s wonderful. Finally all of us can be happy.” Taecyeon recalls the words Wooyoung said to him when he breaks the news about his plan to marry Minjun to his family. Taecyeon winces when he hears the sound of his own bitter, brittle laughed at that time.

~ “I’ll pretend i don’t wish the person i marry isn’t you.”~

They’re in the hospital. It’s the day Nichkhun and Wooyoung becomes parent. Taecyeon and Minjun are there too.

“Moral support Taec.” His mother said when she calls him to inform about the news. Taecyeon even reluctantly, still come. It seems like the bad side of him that he tries to hide deep inside won the argument. Taecyeon feels sick because his bad side still wanting, still hoping, still longing for the wrong thing, the wrong man. He watches as Minjun awkwardly trying to hold the new baby due to his heavily pregnant self.

“Taec, do you want to hold the baby too? It won’t be long until it’s our turn. You need all the practice there is.” Minjun said making Taecyeon tense all over. Because the last thing Taecyeon wants is to have any connection. His hearts won’t be able to take it. Then he feels a hand squeeze his shoulder lightly. A sign of support.

“You can do it Taec. I know you can.” Nichkhun said. Taecyeon force a smile.

“Of course, don’t be too obvious Taec. Your wife is there. He’s there. Taecyeon encourage himself to walk toward Minjun and tries to hold the baby. Because the last thing Taecyeon don’t want to happen is for Minjun to catch up the truth and his heart beating so hard. Taecyeon takes a deep breath and tries to erase the reality of what his heart is hoping right now.

“The last thing I don’t want to happen is to make Jang Wooyoung afraid of me. Afraid that Ok Taecyeon, his best friend love his own brother in law. That Taecyeon loved him. That Taecyeon no matter how much he denies it, he still has the same feeling, still so much in love with Jang Wooyoung.” Taecyeon tries to will the thought away.

“He looks just like you.” Taecyeon said as he looks at Wooyoung and Wooyoung gives a wide smile. Taecyeon hates the fact his heart skip a beat seeing the smile directed at him.

“I’m afraid he’ll look like you seeing how much time I spent with you compare too Khunnie. Minjun and Khunnie we’ll be jealous if he does.” Wooyoung complains jokingly. Minjun tsked.

“It can’t be help Woo, you work at the same place with Taec. Beside both of you are best friend. I’ll be exhausted if I keep being jealous of you and Taec.” Minjun answers calmly. Nichkhun gives a nervous laugh.

“If Minjun really knows the truth…” Nichkhun thought. Taecyeon on the other hand stays silent as Wooyoung words bring a terrible thought in his mind.

“The baby will be his and Wooyoung’s child if he confessed earlier. Appa won’t ask Nichkhun to marry Wooyoung if he knows about Taecyeon’s feeling.” Taecyeon shakes the thought out of his head. How could he think like that even when he knows that although Nichkhun marriage was arranged, his father never force him to accept. Nichkhun has the choice to say no. Taecyeon closes his eyes. He knows Nichkhun. Nichkhun only knows the truth the day their mother tells them about the arrangement. How could he know the truth since their father always sent him abroad? Taecyeon sighs. Nichkhun even asks him if he should cancel the arrangement after that and Taecyeon still considering whether it’s a good thing or not that his good side won the argument that day. Taecyeon rubs his aching chest lightly.

“Even if I search all around the world medicine to cure you, I won’t find any. So please…don’t be sick.” He whispers as he walks away. That night when Taecyeon hold Minjun tightly in his arms he sleeps in terrible guilt.

~” I’ll pretend i don’t wish the mother of my kids to be you.”~

Taecyeon thought even if it is hard and almost impossible he’ll keep trying. Even when it’s clear no matter how far he try to run, he’ll still running in circle. Nothing is change and his heart still refuses to listen. When he sits next to Nichkhun and he watches Wooyoung and Minjun trying hard to catch their children he can hears it loud at clear. Almost like his heart is screaming at him.

~“I’ll pretend it’s not you i want to spend the rest of my life with.”~

“Of course, I’ll be a pretender for my whole life.” Taecyeon thought as he closes his eyes and sighs.

“I’m going to be a pretender the rest of my life. Pretending i don’t wish every person i kiss isn’t you. Pretending i don’t wish every person i sleep with isn’t you. I’m going to have to pretend i don’t wish my next relationship won’t be with you. Pretend that i don’t wish the person i get engaged too isn’t you. Pretend i don’t wish the girl i marry isn’t you. Pretend i don’t wish the mother of my kids to be you. Pretend it’s not you i want to spend the rest of my life with. Everything will be a lie the rest of my life. That’s so hard to accept.”