I had never really paid much attention to him. He was always just a friend - a colleague. So why is it that now, he's all I ever think about? Why is it that whenever he's in the same room as me, I lose my ability to focus on anything else - as if he was the only one in the room, the only thing that mattered?

It all started on Pepero Day. The members of ToppDogg were all gathered together and told that we were to make a video showing us playing the pepero game. I knew that this was coming - games like this seem to be an inevitable part of being an idol. I can never understand what it is with fangirls and their bizarre fascination with guys showing skinship with each other. But, nonetheless, it makes the fans happy and so it is a part of our jobs. After it was announced that we would be making this fanservice video, we split into pairs: Sehyuk and Sanggyun, Taeyang and Jiho, Hyosang and Hansol, Songsang and Sangwon, and Sangdo and me with Byungjoo as MC. We were told to be creative and, since we would be going last, Sangdo and I decided to make it as entertaining as possible by putting together a little skit: once he had gotten the pepero, he would call out my name and I would come riding in on a skateboard. It was Sangdo's idea to add the umbrella in order to add a bit of mystery, which always gets the fans excited. We hadn't really planned on getting that close to each other but, after watching the other pairs try their hardest to put on a good show, we agreed that we would do our best to make the fans happy.

I wasn't really nervous at all - this was just part of the job and nothing more and I am a professional. So when Sangdo called my name, I calmly glided towards him while sitting on my skateboard, taking my place at the end of the pepero stick. That was when our lips touched and everything seemed to freeze for a moment. I felt a surge of electricity rush through my body and I could no longer hear Byungjoo's counting or any of the noises the other members were making. We separated after what felt like a long while but in reality was probably less than a second. It felt like my lips were buzzing and I couldn't help but touch them. I suddenly realized that the members were making loud reactions towards our results and I looked to see that there was barely any pepero left for Byungjoo to measure - we were the clear winners. We were asked by the other members how we felt after our lips had touched. At first I was confused as to how they knew that, but then I realized that I had said it out loud several times. I turned to Sangdo and grabbed his hands, looking up at his face - Why did I do that and why did I suddenly feel so nervous? I heard my thoughts echoed out loud and thought that I had once again spoken without realizing it but quickly realized that it was Sangdo who had said that he was suddenly feeling nervous. Did that mean that he was feeling the same things I was feeling? Or was that just something he said for the fans who are going to be watching this video?

As Sangdo explained our little skit we had come up with, I was strongly aware of the fact that his arm was draped across my back with his hand resting on my shoulder. I was trying so hard to not show the others how awkward I was feeling when I realized that I had once again spoken without trying to, alerting the others of my awkward feeling. Why did I keep doing that? It was like I could no longer control my body or my actions. Someone, I'm not sure who, suggested that Sangdo and I should play another little game frequently played by idols and should try making eye contact. Easy enough - why would looking into Sangdo's eyes be anything difficult? I had done it before. And yet, as soon as our divider dropped and my eyes met with Sangdo's, I felt myself looking away, unable to look at him. What was wrong with me? Why was I feeling so strange? It was just a game for the fans - strictly business. So why did I suddenly feel that there was something more? Why was it that Sangdo's presence, something I had never thought about before, suddenly seemed so glaringly obvious to me - like it was calling my name? Why was it that this man, who was never anything more than another member, suddenly seemed so important? And what did he think about me? Did something change for him as well, or am I just being crazy?

It's been three days since we made that video and Sangdo and I kissed and I have been trying to push all of these strange new feelings out of my head, but every time I see Sangdo they come flooding back. I can't stop thinking about him and his lips and the way they felt against mine. I am staring at Sangdo, who is standing on the other side of the room, and those lips that I can't get out of my head, lost in my thoughts, when I realize that he is staring back at me. He starts moving and I realize that he is walking right towards me. He stops in front of me and I swallow the lump in my throat, waiting for him to talk.

"Hey Hojoon. Mind if we speak in private?"

I nod and follow him out of the room. I start to get nervous - Did he notice me staring at him? Has he noticed that I've been acting strange lately? Have I weirded him out at all? We stop walking and he starts to talk again.

"Look, I'm sorry I've been acting strange lately. I've had a lot on my mind and I've been trying to sort out my feelings and I'm sorry if I weirded you out at all but I think I am finally ready to talk to you."

My thoughts all stop in their tracks. What is he talking about? He's been acting weird? What is he saying? What feelings is he talking about?

"Hojoon, I like you. I mean, really like you. I've been feeling this way for a while but I couldn't quite figure out what it meant until that kiss. I know you probably didn't even think anything of the kiss: it was just a game. But for me, that kiss finally confirmed what I had been feeling. I like you Hojoon, and I know that you have probably only ever thought of me as someone you work with, but I just had to let you know how I feel."

He looks at me expectantly, but I just freeze. He likes me? Since before the kiss? Does that mean those feelings I've been having is what he's been feeling all along? Is it possible that I like him too? I feel my heart beating rapidly and my mind is a jumbled mess. After what feels like a lifetime, I finally organize my thoughts somewhat and try to reply to what I just heard.

"You're right, I did only ever see you as just someone that I work with." I look up and see disappointment cross his face so I quickly continue what I was saying. "However, after that kiss, everything started to change. Suddenly it wasn't just a game to me and suddenly you were so much more that just a friend or a colleague. After that kiss, I started feeling so much and I was so confused. I tried to push all these new feelings aside and ignore them, but every time I saw you, they just came back. I still don't know exactly what these feelings all mean, but I think I'm starting to understand. Sangdo, I think that I like you too."

I stop talking and I can't believe what I just said to him. Did I just confess to Sangdo? Before I can think of anything else, I feel him grab my chin and bring my face to his. I instinctively close my eyes and, after a brief pause, I feel his lips against mine. For the second time, Sangdo is kissing me and it feels just as incredible as the first. I give into the kiss and feel myself melting into it. I feel Sangdo smile into the kiss and I realize that he is so much more than just someone I work with.