Finally, I can have some free time.

 

I looked up at the clock and realized that it was very late.

I saw a mint color backpack and opened it. In it, I saw a folder, a couple of notebooks, and a small hardcover book. I took out all the things and looked through it. It was all my school materials. I was fascinated because I didn't remember I was taking all these classes. I opened the small hardcover book. I flipped through the pages and was surprised of the sketches. Are these all my belongings? It is impossible for me to draw all these.

I looked through the other pockets of the backpack and found a wallet. I know I shouldn't look through belongings that aren't mine but I wanted to know whose it was. I looked through the cards and found an ID.

 

It was my ID. Now, I know my basic information. But I still don’t remember anything else.

I slept. A Lot. I sleep every other hour and during that one hour when I am awake, I basically walk around, enjoying my time, with no stress. I exited my room and went around the hospital, peaking at the other patients and sometimes I would sit next to them and talk so they won’t be bored.

 

I went back into my room and read a book. Although I am a slow reader, I still enjoyed reading. I finished a 300 page book in 6 hours. I rubbed my tired eyes.

 

I fell asleep after setting the book down on the table and woke up the next day.

 

I still did the same things; woke up, ate breakfast, read, slept, ate a snack, walked around and talked to the other patients. This became a daily routine for me since I was stuck at the hospital until I remember anything, especially how I ended up at the hospital. It was a boring part of my life, and of course, I didn’t want to stay. What that if I secretly leave the hospital, I wouldn’t even remember how to get home or where to go. This made me more eager to read my diaries and tried a little bit harder to remember.

 

Seconds, minutes, hours passed and I was switching off from my diary to my novel and back to my diary. I felt a little hopeless because I was stuck at the hospital for a while now and still can’t recover anything. I wanted someone to help me.

 

I laid on my pillow and slowly passed out.

 

I woke up the next day and saw my mom right in front of me.

 

“Oh my gosh” I said, “Really? Do you really have to come in every week?”

I didn’t know why I was treating her this bad. I felt like my brain knows something and my mouth doesn’t. It seems that I just say what comes up in my mind.

 

She took a deep breath. “Elly, we are worried about you. You never called and tell us how you were doing. Stop being so cold.”

 

I gave her a look. She stared right back at me.

Alright. She’s weird. I’m getting out of here for a moment. I can’t deal with her.

I got up and went to the door.

 

“Where are you going?” She asked me.

“Somewhere only you and me would know, but I am not sure if you are my real mother, so I guess that leads to just me knowing.”

 

I felt bad. I admit I was a bit mean.

I took one of my notebooks and went to the garden to read.

 

“July 26 2013”

I think I am starting to remember something, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. Something was bothering me and I didn’t know what it was.

 

I spent about two hours in the garden, reading. It may seem that I have a boring life. But trust me, its normal, especially to a patient who is trying to recover her memories.

 

 

I knew one thing about me. I don’t like flowers, Halloween, and soda. What I can handle that most people can’t is the fact that I am not scared of blood.

Ding.

I remember something. I remember spending five minutes with my friend to watch a music video and the song was about a girl performing surgery on six individuals who she captured and putting something into a voodoo doll.  During the incision, I was fascinated when I saw blood flowing out, while my friend screamed and covered her eyes.

“It’s just blood. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” I told her.

“What? You are crazy! This is the scariest thing ever. How can you just sit there and watch it like that?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wasn’t afraid of pain. I can handle most pain. I usually rip my skin and nails on my fingers, and blood would start gushing out. I feel perfectly fine. I can handle many ear piercings in various places on my ear and still won’t be afraid. I know I hated shots before, but now,  I love shots. I love how the blood slowly is being withdrawn from my body. I like how I can stay calm while others cry.

 

Each individual is unique.

We all have different personalities and interests. I used to tell myself that when I see a person being mistreated.  I feel that it is unfair how people are born different and are looked down on.

 

I looked up at the sky and saw the beautiful full moon, illuminating the dark sky. I began to walk slowly back into my room.  Thank goodness, my mom was gone. I don’t know why I am this cold to my mother. I made myself a checklist for the next day; I have to try and find out the reason why my brain is behaving so cold towards my mom.

 

October 23, 2013

I like soccer. Soccer and hockey are the only sports that I have confidence in. I may be not good at it, but I just like to play around gaining experience. But today in physical education class, we were playing soccer and I joined the competitive  side because I know for sure I’m not in beginning level.  I was running around, trying to get the ball but the boys were fast, I’ll admit that. I couldn’t see because I didn’t wear glasses in class and I turned around once. All of a sudden, a ball, coming at my face at full speed hit my eye. It hurts. I cried, first time at school. I was taken to the nurse office and I couldn’t open my eyes for days. I went to an eye specialist and asked them to take a look at my eye. They said that the vein in the back of my eye was popped and there was blood around my eye. Luckily, the ball didn’t hit directly at my eye. Or else that would be horrible. I was excused from any fast physical movement for a week. If I move too fast, my eye would have been worst, leading me to my only choice: surgery. I didn’t like that word, ‘surgery’. I always thought that surgery was for older people, and not young teens like me. At the end, I escaped the route to surgery but my eyesight got worse.

--------------

 

The next day, a noise woke me up. I didn’t know what it was but when I opened my eyes, a doctor was running towards me.

 

“Elly. Are you okay?” He asked, trying to catch his breath.

“Yes. What happened?”

“Your heart monitor was sending us a message that you were at the verge of passing out.”

 

 

The doctor took me to a room to get a MRI and CT scan. I was stuck there for a while.

After returning back into my room, the doctor contacted my parents and they arrived in a few minutes. The doctor explained what happened to me in the morning. Of course, being parents, they were shocked. The doctor also showed them the scan images. He explained that he found a little spot near the spinal cord, brain, and heart. After hearing about this, I was scared too and I asked in details what it was.        

 

“Elly, you have to be careful and take more rests. Don’t make your heart rate increase too much, in other words, don’t run around. One of the veins is shrinking and we need to fix that. Also, your spinal cord is somewhat damaged and the nerve connecting to your brain is becoming weaker. You may feel numb in some places but tell the nurses right away when you don’t have any feeling on your body.”

 

He turned back to my parents.                                 

“Elly, needs surgery again. We need to fix three places now; heart, brain, and the top of the spinal cord. Can you follow me outside to schedule the surgery?”

 

I was scared. Surgery? Again? Does that mean I had it already? Why?

I really didn’t want to go into the operating room. I would rather listen to my doctor’s words and not do anything else. I would be very obedient. Please, I don’t want to receive another surgery.

 

The doctor and my parents came back. My parents looked worried. They scooted closer to me.

 

I asked them, “Guys, when did you schedule the surgery?”

“Two days from now.”

 

There was silence. Two days? I was hoping for next week.

 

“Everything will be okay, Elly. Don’t worry, you got through the first one, you will be fine for the second one.”

 

“Why did I need the first one?”

 

“You got into an accident.”

 

“What accident?”

 

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll tell you later.”

 

Wow, you just leave me hanging like that? They left my brain searching through files to figure what happened.    

---------------

I spent the next day, lying in bed, watching different shows on my phone. I know it was bad to not let my eye rest, but I wanted to take my mind off of the surgery that was set for tomorrow. I put my phone away after watching shows for four hours. What if my condition turns out to be worse after the surgery? What if I don’t make it out safe? A lot of ‘what if’ questions were bothering me. This was the first time that I was afraid. I didn’t want anything happen to me, especially when I don’t remember anything.

---------------

The next day, my parents and Eric popped into my room and tried to comfort me. They were all worried and scared. I told them “Guys, there is nothing to be scared of. These doctors look so professional; there is no way they can mess up. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

The truth is, I was the one who was worried and concerned  the most.

 

--------------

The nurse came in and rolled me to the surgery room. On the way, my parents followed and kept an eye on me until they couldn’t see me behind the ‘surgery door’.

Was I ready? No. of course not.

 

Lying on the operating table, I looked around to find a peaceful image to stare at. The surgeons entered. They discussed a little before talking to me.

“Elly, everything will be fine, okay? Please count to 10.”

I saw one of the nurses injecting me with anesthesia.

I started to count.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5-“

I went to sleep.

---------------

While receiving the surgery, my mind entered wonderland.

For some reason, I found myself standing on a cloud. I sat down and waited for my brother to come pick me up.

A bunch of memories came to me.

 

When I was little, I remember running around with my brother at home and chasing each other. My mom hired a babysitter, who spent most time with us for two years.

Every morning, the baby sitter dropped us off to school and picked us up in the afternoon. After completing our homework assignments, she would teach us Chinese. It was hard for me to remember because I used English a lot at home. But at night, my parents would come home and my dad would always ask the baby sitter how we were. If we were bad, then we would be spanked by my dad, which was horrible because he uses his hands. It may sound weak, but I was little and I always thought of my dad as a strong person.

 

For 2 years, my brother and I would suffer our dad’s painful slap. We would always hide when we hear his footsteps. After the 2 years of torture, our baby sitter left for some reasons and my brother and I had to take care of ourselves.  We were only 11 and 8 years old and we already have to do things on our own.  

As years passed, I noticed my mom and dad favoring my brother more. After finishing elementary school, my mom would pick a school for him, and of course, I had to follow. Even though my brother may be the biggest liar in the world, I still can’t believe that my parents still believe him.  When we were young, my brother gets what he wants. My brother can always persuade our parents into buying things. I may sound like I am jealous, but later on in life, this started to hurt me.

 

I remember my parents taking us with our cousin, Jennifer to Disneyland. We were young so we couldn’t really enjoy our time there.

“Elly, stay here with your aunt. I will bring Jennifer and Eric to the other rides.” My mom once said.

I didn’t understand; I was too young to even know what ‘rides’ were. But I was sad. I didn’t want to be left alone without my brother or cousin.

 

My mind went blank. I don’t see any other memories flying. I sat down and waited.

I waited for something. I didn’t know what I was waiting for, but after waiting for a long time, I slept.