Chemistree
Barking up the Wrong Tree
While the nights are cold as ice, the days are hot and stuffy. He really wants to his shirt and toss it off like the rest of the lumberjacks do, but he’s feeling pretty inadequate amongst all their perfectly toned bodies. Changmin’s never picked up a weight in his life, and honestly he’s kind of worried about being judged. He knows they’ve all already had a laugh about him, big city boy with pale skin and not an inch of fat or muscle to him. He’d like to keep the teasing to a minimum, seeing as he is acting as their boss, and he’ll be here for another year. He wants to at least try to make some friendly relations, even though he’s sure these people and him will never blend.
Eventually the smouldering heat gets too much, and his need for modesty becomes outweighed by the massive sweat stain dragging down his shirt. He rips it off and ties it around a small tree, wiping the sweat from his neck and feeling the heat creep up his neck as the lumberjacks start making comments.
Yunho sticks two fingers in his mouth and catcalls.
Changmin supposed the sensation would feel somewhat like dying a horrible death.
A square faced man who’s built like a brick gives a hearty laugh and slaps Yunho on the shoulder. “Keep it in your pants, Jung.”
Yunho flips him off and laughs. “ off, Kangin. Just giving city boy some encouragement.”
Changmin curls his lip. There’s just so much shoulder slapping, rough talking manliness in this camp. Changmin would be lying to say it doesn’t bother him. He considers himself manly just as the rest of them, but he never particularly has the urge to blurt it out so obviously. It’s so gruff and uncivilised, and he doesn’t know how to handle it.
So instead of dwelling on the fact he’s a lobster in a fishpond, Changmin takes out it out on the workers and snaps at them for chatting when they should be logging. Especially at Yunho, for that whistle.
The coming week is a disaster. Changmin learns that Yunho is, in every single way, the opposite of Changmin. He squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, leaves dishes everywhere, never cleans up after himself, and is always smiling like there’s something to be happy about when really they’re stuck in a cabin among mud and dank rain that falls in drizzles all the ing time. If Changmin thought he couldn’t stand the heat, there was no way he could take the constant drizzling.
Yunho had taken to calling him city boy at every turn, having great pleasure in calling him this in front of all his friends. Changmin wanted to hate him for it, but he knew that it was good naturedly, so he never even wants to call him out on it. Instead, he grits his teeth and forces what might be a small smile before telling Yunho to off and do his work.
When the week’s up, Changmin’s so happy he could cry. He’s sitting in his car outside his apartment, and something strikes him in his chest. He thought he would be happier to be home, but instead he feels a surmounting stress that starts from his chest and aches all the way to his hands.
He figures it has something to do with having to see his father today, but the feeling irks him and he can’t quite shake it off.
Changmin unlocks the door, and before he can even get a step in, Victoria is calling his name and barrelling around the corner, face lit up. She’s all smiles and blonde hair, with a body girls would kill for. Her features are small and pretty, and Changmin feels himself relax looking at her, taking in her wide eyes. She toes closer to him and warps him in a warm hug that Changmin returns. The comfort has been something he’s missed, and he wasn’t in any mind to be asking one of the lumberjacks—especially not Yunho—for a hug.
He gives her a chaste kiss and she holds the side of his head, trying to keep him there. Changmin laughs against her lips and leans back. “My mum’s coming soon, remember?”
Victoria stands back and gives a sour look. “Tsk. You’re cheap. Anyway I’ve already cooked the food,” she says walking and gesturing for Changmin to follow her to the kitchen, “and we’ve got at least enough to feed a small army, so I think we’ll be fine. Plus,” she says with a twist to , “your mum said she was brining your dad.”
Changmin’s movements falter and he almost misses his step. Victoria chews on the inside of her cheek and looks to Changmin, waiting for him to say something.
“Well. Looks like it’s a good thing you cooked a lot.”
His mother and father, Dongsik and Hyorin, sit at the table eating away at their food, scraping at their plates through the silence. Hyorin looks to her husband and nudges him, and he sighs before putting down his chopsticks. He crosses his fingers and leans closer to Victoria. Changmin’s father he may have been, but Changmin knew he always preferred Victoria, seeing her as the mature and responsible one of the family.
“When are we going to be seeing some grandchildren? I know Changmin’s busy at work, but you’ve been married for far too long to not have any of your own.”
Hyorin leans forward and smiles. “It must be lonely at home now that Changmin’s away for his work all the time, dear. And we’re getting older too,” she laughs, “I’d like to see the littles ones before they grow up.”
Changmin forces himself not to roll his eyes. “Why don’t you bother Lina instead? She’s almost thirty and still hasn’t had any. Plus it’s not as if Jiyun and Jisoo haven’t had any. Jiyun’s going on four already and—“
“You’re the man of this family,” Dongsik snaps, and Changmin lets his lips fall closed.
“Sorry,” he grits through his teeth. “We’ve been trying. It’ll happen soon.”
The T.V blares on from the other room, and through the quiet it’s clear what they’re saying, and Changmin tenses when the news reporter starts talking about gay marriage being legalised in California as of yesterday. He tries to ignore it and noisily clangs his chopsticks against his plate, but he’s too late because his father’s already heard.
“Faggots,” he whispers under his breath. “Every single one of them is going to hell, I don’t care what kind of good deeds they’ve done, they’ve betrayed God and deserve to be punished for it.”
Victoria stays quiet and nudges Changmin’s foot with hers, giving him a sideways glance that says ‘again? Really?’.
“I think it’s fine,” Hyorin says. “As long as they live in private and don’t show it off, I don’t mind. If they’re going to make that choice, they should at least make sure everyone else doesn’t feel uncomfortable about it.”
Changmin fights down the urge to say something. He’d tried before, and it only led to him being yelled at and called a sinner for defending homouals. It was bad enough in his father’s eyes that he’d chosen to become a Buddhist, let alone he defend the gay rights movement. He’d spent years trying to get his father to accept his religion, and now he finally had, Changmin didn’t want to get into any arguments surrounding religion in case hi father changed his mind again. Most of the time he would let it be, but he sometimes lost the bat and insisted that Changmin convert straight away or he was going to hell.
“If one of my children were a like that, I’d disown them before they could bring sin into my house.”
Changmin’s chest strikes hot and cold at the same time, and he slinks in his chair, trying to block out his father’s words.
When Dongsik and Hyorin have left, Victoria lets out a big relieved breath. “Well. That was fun.”
“Yeah. I love having to listen to my parents rant for an hour. It really brightens up the mood.”
Victoria huffs a small laugh and pulls Changmin close, swaying him from side to side. “It always gets to me when they speak like that,” she confesses. “I know so many people who are like that, and I’d never want to see them go to hell. They’re just people in the end.” He feels her chest sigh against his, then she presses closer. She kisses his neck. “Victoria uses seduction,” she says with a cheeky grin, “it’s very effective.”
Changmin rolls his eyes. He’d once played pokemon for three days straight before Victoria had to pull him out of his stupor using this very line. He kisses her hard and walks her to the bedroom, a smile on his lips the whole time.
Changmin s her with the lights off.
The drive to the camp is soaking wet, and from the short trip Changmin takes from his car to the cabin, he’s soaking wet and mud is sticking to the bottom of his black skinny jeans. His white shoes are totally wrecked, and by the time he sets down his bag, he’s in an awful mood.
It doesn’t help that Yunho bounds to him and greets him with a cheery smile and a stick with a marshmallow shoved on top.
Changmin just gives him a flat look. “I’m not eating off a stick.”
Yunho pouts then shrugs, shoving it in his mouth. “More for me than I guess. Wait—I’ll get you a fork to use.”
“I really don’t want to roast marshmallows,” Changmin says, but Yunho is shoving a fork into his hands and before he knows it he’s crouched in front of the warm fire, shivering as his body adjusts to the heat. He sticks his fork in the fire and grudgingly admits it tastes good after Yunho prods him for his opinion. He makes sure to pull off all the burnt bits with another fork.
“My grandmother made them for me, so they’re special.”
Changmin gives him a strange look, feeling both flattered and a bit weirded out. “And you’re sharing them with me because?”
Yunho sets a marshmallow on fire and mourns it when he has to bin it. “Because it’s no fun alone.”
“But why not with someone else,” he pushes. Changmin can’t quite put a finger on it, but even though he really isn't sure about the guy, there’s something about him that Changmin wants to know. He’s not even sure what he wants to know, he just… he’s just curious about Yunho. He always seems to be smiling and happy and Changmin doesn’t think it’s possible for someone to be legitimately that happy all the time.
Yunho tucks his lips between his teeth and hums. “You look kind of... lonely here. You’re missing your wife, right? So I thought maybe it would be easier coming down here if you had a friend to talk to.”
“A friend,” Changmin deadpans.
“Me,” Yunho clarifies like Changmin is dumb.
Changmin gives him a flat look and says, “Yes, Yunho, I figured that much out. But I’m just…” a nobody, a boring kid, a priss, a… “a city boy. I didn’t think any of you would want to be friends with me, let alone roast marshmallows over a fire together and talk about our feelings.”
Yunho gives him a terribly concerned look. “You know we’re just joking right? We aren’t actually looking down on you because you come from the city. You’re just kind of fun to tease because you take everything so seriously.” He slaps Changmin on the shoulder, and Changmin has to brush his coat with the back of his hand. "Besides, no one's judging in this place."
Changmin totally is judging them, and now he feels bad about it, and . Changmin feels like he’s stifling, like he’s trapped underwater and the air tank is running out. He looks to Yunho, and he keeps staring, noticing just how sharp Yunho’s eyes are, just how much they hold in such a simple gaze. Changmin’s stomach drops when he realises what he’s doing.
“Well. Thanks. I’m gonna. Go. Thanks for the,” he makes a vague gesture at the fire, “yeah.”
Changmin covers himself under the blankets and has the urge to scream, but he keeps quiet and lets himself fall into a fitful sleep, nightmares filled with his father’s voice.
The rain falls heavy and even though Changmin’s inside and under his covers, he can almost feel the moisture sticking to his skin. He’s wearing a jumper and the fire’s going, but he’s still freezing. He wants to ask for another blanket, but he’s not going to ask Yunho. He’s managed to avoid the man for four whole days, and this morning would mark the fifth.
Changmin knows he’s attracted to Yunho and it scares him more than he could ever say. The man’s everything he thought he would hate, but everything he wants. He’s dirty and messy and is way too bright and smiley, but Changmin’s attracted to him like a moth to a flame. Changmin doesn’t know when his feelings changed from hate to affection, and he’s terrified at how quickly it happened. There was no warning, just one minute it wasn’t there, and the next it was.
He’d been trying for so long to keep his uality at bay, to make the right choice and marry Victoria, but being with Yunho is pulling it all out, and Changmin doesn’t know how he’s going to handle it. How he’s going to stay away.
Changmin wakes up to the sound of a Yunho calling his name excitedly, his whole body being shaken by Yunho’s exuberance. Changmin wants to smile but he keeps it at bay and looks at the man with annoyance. “What the hell?”
“We get the day off!” Yunho blurts. “The rain’s too heavy for any of us to be out there, they said it was too dangerous to drive out.”
Changmin sits up and rubs at his eyes, still almost completely asleep. His mind’s slow at catching up, but when he finally registers what Yunho has said, his stomach drops. That means that they’ll have to stay together all day in the cabin. Changmin wants to cover his head with a pillow and scream. While his mind says he doesn’t want to stay, and that he loves Victoria, his body wants to leap out of bed and join Yunho in the celebration.
Yunho keeps poking Changmin and trying to get him up, and when Changmin doesn’t respond for the fifth time, Yunho grabs under Changmin’s arms and forces him out of bed, yelling, “there’s no way I’m letting you sit in bed all day on our day off! Come on, it’s already nine!”
Changmin shouldn’t find it endearing.
He really shouldn’t.
So he turns around and snaps at Yunho. “Leave me the alone.”
Yunho reels back and looks at Changmin like he’s been punched in the face. Changmin gets this feeling that Yunho isn’t used to being rejected like this, used to having people respond positively to his enthusiasm.
“Let me sleep,” Changmin finally says, pushing off Yunho’s warm arms and crawling under the artificial warmth the covers bring him. Changmin tries not to feel guilty, reminding himself it’s for a good cause that he’s doing this, but his stomach still stirs for the whole day.
Around three in the afternoon, Changmin pokes his nose out of the covers and spots Yunho sitting by the fireplace alone, roasting something that doesn’t look like a marshmallow on a stick. His back in hunched and he looks terribly lonely, and the fight in Changmin goes away. He curses himself and gets up, toeing his way towards Yunho. He crouches down and points to the biscuit looking thing Yunho is squishing some pink substance between.
“What’s that?”
Yunho still looks glum but he explains, “it’s a smore. You put a roasted marshmallow between two biscuits then squish it. They call it a smore because you always ask for some more after trying one.” Yunho tells this all the Changmin with his head down and his fingers squishing and letting go of the biscuit over and over until the mush is dripping from the sides.
Changmin tries not to grimace when a drop hits the wooden floor. He vows to clean it up later and it makes him feel a bit better about the whole thing.
“Can I have one?” Changmin gives as a peace offering—the best he’ll probably ever give. Changmin hates saying sorry, and he’s certainly not going to say it to the guy that’s making him hi whole brain up.
Yunho seems to understand it for what it is, and his face lights up. He dashes to get a fork and starts cooking another, telling Changmin to hold one of his biscuits out. Yunho even pulls off the burnt bits, and Changmin’s heart hurts so much he doesn’t even comment when Yunho uses a used fork to do it.
He bites the thing, and he has to admit it is addictive, because once he’s gobbled one down, he asks Yunho for more. Yunho grins and makes another, his grin getting wider each time Changmin eats another until his face looks like it’s going to split.
Once they’ve eaten so many marshmallows that they feel sick, Yunho jumps up and holds onto Changmin’s wrist, trying to drag him outside. Changmin resists, “no! no you don’t!” but Yunho is years ahead in strength and manages to pull him into his arms, walking him out the door while Changmin yells and protests.
Once he’s in Yunho’s arms, the protests die in his lips and the freezing rain hits his skin like bullets. He starts shaking immediately and Yunho laughs, holding him close from behind. Even though Yunho’s slightly shorter than Changmin, he’s much more built and holds Changmin like he’s in a cocoon.
Changmin doesn’t want to get too comfortable, so he points to something to his left, saying “did you see that?!”
Yunho’s grip goes slack as he looks, and Changmin darts out from his arms, running away as fast as he can. He finds he’s not even minding the dirt as it sticks to his pyjama pants
Yunho gives chase moments after and tussles with Changmin, ruffling his hair out of place
They finally settle down and they’re both panting, and the cold rain now feels lukewarm on their skin. Yunho’s hands are warm on his biceps, and Yunho leans in. Changmin doesn’t stop him when he kisses him softly, electricity coursing through all his body. He leans in, he wants like he’s never wanted before—like he’s possessed and the only thing he can think about is being closer.
Yunho jerks back suddenly and holds the back of his hand to his mouth, eyes wide. “I’m—oh .”
Changmin stares at him. His eyes burn with mounting tears and he feels like his skin has been buried under with thousands of wriggling bugs. He’s cold as ice and hot as fire, and he needs to get away. He pushes past Yunho, their shoulders bumping, and storms into the house, his lips tasting of poison and heat.
He runs to the bathroom and yanks off all his sopping clothes, jumping into the shower and turning only the hot water on, letting it steam his skin until he can’t bear it anymore. He’s red all over and it hurts, but the only thing he can think of is Victoria, and her smiling face, and the way she says I love you.
When Changmin gets out of the shower, he sees Yunho sitting by the fireplace in dry clothes, poking the logs with a stick. He doesn’t even look up as Changmin shuffles under his covers.
“I’m so sorry,” is all he says.
Changmin just grunts and faces the other way. He’ll be going home tomorrow anyway, and the longer he can avoid Yunho, the better.
The storm worsens through the night, and although Changmin is scared, there’s no way he’s going to ask Yunho for comfort. A lightning bolt strikes and the buzz of the electrical appliances come to a startling halt, the room gulfing into silence. It’s so quiet Changmin can hear Yunho’s breathing speed up.
Yunho stands from his bed and ruffles through drawers, knocking into several things as he goes, swearing to himself. Changmin bites his lip and tries not to laugh, and the more endearing he finds it, the worse he feels. He hates himself for caring at all.
Yunho lights a candle and places it on the table, scraping a chair against the wood and taking a seat. Changmin peeks through his eyelashes and sees Yunho sitting with his head in his hands. “Changmin,” he calls, and Changmin startles in his bed, trying to keep as still as possible.
He lets the air flow through his lungs in big, deep gulps, and waits for it to pass over.
“I know you’re awake.”
Changmin lifts his head, caught. “How?”
“You snore.”
“I do not,” he retaliates, then simmers down. “What is it?”
Yunho rubs his hands down his face and the skin stretches, making him look far older than he really is. “I’m gay. I’m sorry I know I should’ve told you at the start, in case it makes you uncomfortable, but I really just wanted this to go well, and , I like you but you’re married.”
Changmin doesn’t know what to say.
“Seriously all I can say is that I’m sorry and that it won’t happen again, but I’ll understand if you pull out of the project.”
Changmin gets out of his bed and pads towards Yunho. He stands in front of him and fiddles with the hem of his shirt, the orange light flickering. “It’s fine,” he says. “I’m—it’s not your fault.” Changmin sits down and sighs. “You know, marrying Victoria was more of my dad’s idea than mine. I love her. I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t. But Yunho, I’m not in love with her.”
Yunho stares, and Changmin can’t quite read the expression he’s wearing.
Changmin fiddles with his fingers. “It was a good business deal. She was rich, she was in love, and it just worked out that way. She’s my best friend, Vic, but that’s all she’s ever been to me. And I’m a ty person for marrying her when I’m… when I’m gay, but there was no way I could ever come out to my father. He’s a homophobic , and I’ve been keeping it under wraps, and then you walk in, and you’re so lively and fun, and messy, but I like you.”
“No,” Yunho says, and it sounds like he’s about to cry. “If you’re asking me to be your someone on the side, then no. I’m not asking you to break up with her, I’m just saying that it’s not going to happen because you’re married, for s sake. I don’t want to be a dirty secret.”
“You’re saying we should just pretend like we don’t like each other.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
Yunho sighs and stretches his fingers on the table. In. Out. “If you can’t,” he mumbles, “then one of us should go. I won’t ruin your marriage. It’s your decision if you come out to your wife or not, but I won’t have a part of it. I don’t deserve that, Changmin. Victoria doesn’t either.”
Changmin nods and stands, holding everything in.
Changmin never knew what it felt like to have a broken heart until he goes to bed that night feeling empty and alone.
Comments