Meanings of Love

“Saranghae...”

Hyukjae’s voice sounded a bit raspy that morning, since he just woke up from his sleep. But it sounded so gentle, making Donghae smile that toothless angelic smile. The way Hyukjae uttered that one word sounded so deep and sincere. Very meaningful. But even though Donghae heard it every single day, he felt like he would never get used to it. As if its the very first time all over again, every time Hyukjae said it.

Hyukjae always makes him feel like so. Making him feel precious and needed. Giving a warm feeling in his heart.

With eyes closed, Donghae enjoyed that morning, basking in all the feelings. Only him and Hyukjae, lying on their white bed. With Hyukjae’s tender whispers that felt like soft music, and the long fingers that danced between the strands of his brunette hair. No other sound in the silent room other than the one whispered word and their heart beats.

Even so...

A thought suddenly passed by Donghae’s mind.

Hyukjae is so perfect in his eyes. Too perfect. As if the loving words were really practiced to be uttered so smoothly. It made Donghae thought... Was it because of experience? Was it because Hyukjae had felt many love stories before?

Donghae rose up from his sleeping position, getting out from Hyukjae’s embrace. He sat there, leaning against the headboard, making Hyukjae stare at him confusedly. Hyukjae immediately realized something was bothering his lover, and sat facing him. He lifted his hand and rested it on Donghae’s cheek, staring him deeply.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Donghae closed his eyes, enjoying the touch. “I’m just... wondering.”

Hyukjae frowns. “About what?”

“About...” Donghae halted his words for a while, before opening his eyes to stare back at Hyukjae. “Hyukjae, may I ask you something?”

“Sure...?” came the hesitant reply.

“How many times... How many are there before me?” Donghae finally asked, tone filled with worry.

His expression showed how lost he was. “What do you mean?” he asked with a frown and a tilt of the head.

“I mean...” Donghae diverted his gaze for a second, before staring back at Hyukjae. “How many times... have you fallen in love before?”

Hyukjae looked surprised with the question. “Love?”

A hum was the answer.

At first, Hyukjae was very confused. But looking at the seriousness in Donghae’s eyes, he then thought for a while and tried to remember, comprehending the meaning of that one word before feeling it.

“Five,” he answered after a long pause, a smile on his lips.

A bit of pain panged Donghae for knowing he wasn’t the first. But it didn’t stop him for asking again. “Can I know who they were?”

“They were...” Hyukjae paused again. “...’Who’, ‘what’, ‘when’, ‘where’, and ‘why’.”

“...Huh?” Hyukjae chuckled at the adorable expression his lover was making. That expression that shows whenever he doesn’t understand something. But then Hyukjae smiled, and his gaze seemed distant, as if he was reminiscing.

Who, was to whom i fell in love with.

He was a senior in my campus. To be honest, we weren’t even that close. We only interacted when there’s annual campus activities and stuffs, because we’re both representatives of the faculty. And that usually happens only like once or twice in three months.

Do you know that feeling like everytime we fantasize romantic situations about someone we had a crush on? Maybe that’s the start. Yes, he was a senior. But I was also a freshmen who’s a bit infatuated. Everytime we spent our time together, the more I saw his good side.

He’s like an angel. Kind, caring, and had this dimpled smile that could melt everyone. For the first time in my life I felt protected. Yet at the same time, I also wanted to be someone he could lean on, since he had so many weights on his shoulders. I want to be the angel’s wings.

The only problem is maybe my fantasies. Maybe I had fantasized to far, imagining that he also loved me. Because at the end, when I confessed my feelings, he rejected me. He only saw me as his younger brother, and that he already got someone else to love.

Well, at the end, he was not an angel afterall. Just a normal human with many flaws, who was also in love.

.

.

What, was something I love from a person.

A friend, someone close to me since young. She’s the neighbour beside my house that just moved in that one summer day when I was seven. The same one that opened her door when I knocked in to give the residence a jar of welcome cookies. I grew up with her, watched her turn into an adult, yet not changing at the same time. Yes, the ponytail hair style that was once there grew longer, until now she lets it loose to her waist. But at the same time, that cheerfull and bright expression on her face stays the same.

We’re really close. She understood me really well, what I like, what I dislike, what my favorites are, everything. And vice versa. All her knowledge about me, her sense of humor that’s a mirror of mine, even her habit to dance like I did, she got all the traits I like.

Her and I, we were almost perfect for each other.

The only thing that wasn’t was the timing.

We were never single at the same time. And what we liked from each other were never really enough to make us leave the person we were currently with. At the end, we understood and accepted that. She was my best friend, even until this very second.

And that would never change.

.

.

When, was the time I fell in love.

My first lover, back when I was in senior high. He was younger than me, an underclassmen. Sweet, innocent, and a little bit shy. The first time I saw him was in the dance hall, when he applied to be a member, since I was the club leader. When he started to dance, I was stunned. Maybe not only because he was really good at it.

High school days were the time I was still innocent, and where experiences were full with all the ‘firsts’. First time I felt love at first sight, first time I tried to flirt, first time I confessed my love, and many other firsts. And that’s what made everything more special.

The time where everything felt so sweet. The thumping in my heart when we first held hands, and sneaked out at night to go on a date. Or that cliché yet somehow felt perfect moment when we kissed under the school festival’s fireworks.

All the experiences that felt nostalgic.

Kept in a distant time that won’t be reachable anymore, yet it’s still there. Even though we were young, the fact was, we did fall in love.

.

.

Where, was the place where I found love.

At that time, I was in Japan. At first I only intended to stay there for three months. But that changed when I met him.

He was only several months older. A Korean that lived there since young because of his parent’s work, thus the reason I still called him hyung. Cute and adorable, yet somehow he was always a place I could cling on.

Three months went by fast, and soon another three, and another, but I still couldn’t leave the place. I couldn’t leave him.

Maybe it was my desire to live independently. Or the desire to prove everyone back in korea that I could live on my own even if I was far from home. Whichever that was, he made me feel accomplished there.

A new experience, a new environment that pushed me to mature more than anyone ever did. Or any other place before.

Hyukjae stopped from his stories, and Donghae realized the sadness lingering behind those single lidded eyes. He reached out his palms to softly caress Hyukjae’s cheek. Hyukjae smiled, lifting his own hand to rest above Donghae’s own warm one.

Hyukjae closed his eyes, before continuing his story.

Why, was the reason I fell in love.

My one best friend who is now watching from the heavens.

The day he was diagnosed with that chronic disease, he told me that death wasn’t the thing that made him sad.

But the fact that he must go without the chance to fall in love before. He didn’t have the chance to feel that feeling, both the happiness or even the sadness. That feeling of getting hurt, or that feeling when you’re embraced with warmth and care.

He didn’t want to leave, yet he must leave.

The day he finally passed, his words wouldn’t stop ringing in my head. It thought me that one of the biggest blessing was to give, receive, and even losing love.

He made me understand why. Why we have to spend our life by loving.

“...I understand now,” Donghae whispered softly, breaking Hyukjae’s reverie.

Hyukjae smiled and stared at him deeply. “You are the sixth.”

“Sixth...” Donghae mumbled with a small smile. “If so... Then which one of that five suits me?”

Hyukjae reached out to hold both of Donghae’s hands into his. Not once did his gaze waver. The same gaze that always drags Donghae deep into the sea of comfort.

“None of them,” Hyukjae whispered. And then he leans his face close to his lover’s, pecking his lips chastely. “...Because you’re all of them.”

A full smile bloomed on Donghae’s lips, showing his crooked teeth Hyukjae loved so much.

“You are who I love,” Hyukjae started. “Someone that I fantasize to be so perfect. Someone that’s like a dream, yet this time, real. You are someone that fits all the expectation I made. And even surpassed them.”

Hyukjae held his hand even tighter, yet somehow managing to make it gentle.

“You are what I love. Someone that not only understands me perfectly, but also completes the part of me that I lack of. A best friend, but also a lover that showers me with affection and care.”

Hyukjae kissed his soft brunette strands.

“You are when I love. Because a new page of life starts with you. We are that young couple, that one day will be remembered as a sweet memory by our older selves. And we will laugh together because nothing even change by then.”

Donghae closed his eyes, letting Hyukjae kiss both of his eyes.

“You are where I love. Because for you, I will go anywhere. With you, anywhere won’t matter. Because where you are, that’s where I belong. Because you are where I belong, you are my home.”

Hyukjae reached out gently to pull Donghae into his embrace, which the brunette gladly return just as tight.

“...You are the reason why I love. Because before you, I never understood what I had been looking for. And now that I find you, you give a meaning to my whole life. Both that had happened in the past, or that will happen in the future. In which I will go by together with you later on.”

“You are the sixth,” Hyukjae glanced down, the same time Donghae tilted his head up a bit to kiss his lips softly with eyes closed. Both separating with a smile, and Hyukjae whispered while opening his eyes. “You are the last.”

Hyukjae swore he never see Donghae show a smile more beautiful than this. And Donghae swore he never felt warmth and love more than this moment when Hyukjae held him so tenderly and confess so sincerely. For the first time, he felt how happy it was to be the last. How precious, how meaningfull.

“Hyukjae.”

“Yes, my love?”

Donghae could feel the gummy smile blooming on Hyukjae’s lips even though he still got his eyes closed.

“Saranghae...” Donghae whispered.

And this time, he could feel that the word was uttered just as meaningful as how Hyukjae always did.

First love is indeed important, and sometimes unforgetabble.

But know that your last will be much more meaningful.

That’s why, never tire yourself to fall in love.

Don’t stop loving when you’re hurt.

Because when you finally find your last, it will all be worth it.

-with love, Rey