Episode 5: Missed Opportunities of a Coward

Pairing: Kyungsoo X Chanyeol

Word count: 1,5k

A/N: I'm sorry about that depressing episode!!!! ;o; It's 3am now, and I couldn't sleep so I wrote this. I'm in a weird mood and.. well... this didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to be T_T Just keep in mind that this is inspired with the incredibly painful crush I had on that guy my WHOLE high shool. Guy was natural blonde with tiny blue eyes. So, so my type >_< T_T. Wrote it without really thinking, just digging the old forgotten feelings out. I chose Chanyeol because he's my ult. bias and, yeah, he's special, that's it.

My name is Kyungsoo.

I'm not here to rant. I'm not here to complain either. I just... There's something I have to get out of me before it drives me crazy. There again, I'm not here so you can pity me.

So there's this guy (YES I know it's all the freaking time about awkward love problems. I just understand why everyone's exposing his life on Internet like that. Geez, this is so NOT like me. Excuse me if my writing's a little erratic, it just comes out.) Okay so there's this guy.

When I first entered high school, I remember scanning the crowd with what I hoped was an objective eye (it wasn't. In fact I was just plainly searching for any interesting faces) so maybe I could find someone who could be interesting to befriend. As a result, I spotted that guy.

He was a year older than me, not that it really mattered (believe me, in high school, it does). What really caught my attention was his overall aura and looks. It's his hair color that made me turn my head. He wore his hair dyed in that dirty blonde styled with that long length cut. It was pretty unusual to have such a look, so of course I'd notice it... because let's be honest: I kind of have a thing for blond boys.

I nudged at Jongdae and Baekhyun so they could take a look at that fine specimen I just discovered.

"Guys, look at that guy. Quick like that, I'd say he's totally my type."

"Hm, yeah, he is." Baekhyun answered because he knew I had a thing for blonds. He wasn't my best friend for nothing.

Things stayed that way for a rather long time. Me just stealing glances at The Guy and the boys trying to get me to go talk to him. But I was too much of a coward to take the step. Let's say I was intimidated. Because seriously, he was so out of my league.

I knew he was out of my league. I watched him from afar long enough to know. He was that guy who was friendly and entertaining, who could talk with almost everybody, but at the same time, he was also the one who had that incredibly bored/discouraging face. He seemed to have a well forged temper. He also physically was everything I worshiped: in addition to his hair, he had incredibly fascinating eyes. I felt like I could watch them for endless minutes. He also had that way of walking, you know, with the tip of his feet pointing to the exterior, a little like a duck. That was pretty cute if you ask me. There's one more thing that fascinated me: his smile. As I said, he wasn't the most expressive one, but once he got to smile, it was like the lighting changed in the room or something. Or maybe it was just me who was too fascinated to nothing anything else.

During recess, Dae, Baek and I were often walking all around the public area of the school: ways to have a little exercise when you're seated all day. We often walked, and would sometimes cross path with him. Every time, and I'm not exaggerating one bit, every time I happen to pass near him, I would blush. Not a light pink on cheeks. No: I remember one time I almost bumped into him, Baekhyun said : " dude, I think you turned purple."  So yeah, I had the hots for the guy. Literally. The challenge was to make sure he wouldn't notice: I didn't want him to think I was a freak or anything.

I finally got to know his name a few months after the beginning of school year. I was part of a program for 'easy learners', you know, the kind of program that showed just a little more than necessary just so you're ready for more advanced studies. That program required to go to the library one lunchtime a week to do homework. "To give the students the habit to use the library" as they put it (which is pure bull if you ask me!) Anyways, to take the attendances to those 'study lunches' school provided little cards with our photos and names. They would spread it on the table and we would have to find ours every time. That was a ty system, but it had one advantage: I got to finally discover his name.

I saw the card and madly nudged Baek so he would confirm I wasn't mistaken.

Guy's name was Park Chanyeol.

Now that I could put a name on the face, I couldn't stop repeating it in my head. I thought the name was really suiting him.

Then for the rest of the year, I just acted as a coward again and looked at him from afar: as a said, I stood no chance against those second years. It stayed like that until the end of my own second year.

We went on a school trip for a music competition (I had music as optional class). Turned out Park Chanyeol was part of it too. Somehow, the news excited me because I got to see him out of 'natural school habitat'. Only cloud the horizon: he got a girlfriend just before said trip.

The girlfriend didn't bother me, honestly. Of course I was a little jealous, but I reasoned myself saying that I didn't even know the guy!

The highlight of the trip: I exchanged like, 2 sentences with him! No kidding! The group was out to for a bowling activity. Happened that his group was playing right next to ours and that we had one or two good acquaintances from his group of friends, creating something like one big group for one hour or two. (Wow, that sentence doesn't make any sense, I'm sorry.)

To be honest, I don't remember one word I told him: it was so insignificant! I just remember we interacted and it's okay with me. He wouldn't remember me and I could continue stalking him in peace.

Those are the most memorable memories I have of my high school years. It's weird, I know. But you should have seen the guy. I swear he was just painfully so my type. You know, when the person just meets each and every one of your physical standards. And how my body and mind reacted without my permission whenever he was around. That, that was an incredible feeling. Even when I finally moved on and started to hang out with some boys with whom it could have worked, I just had to make sure he was always in a corner of my eye. That's just how sick I am.

During the second or third summer, I remember I was out on a bicycle ride with my mom around the neighbourhood and a little further. I was pedaling peacefully, and then out of a sudden, a bike passed beside us at a rather fast speed. Guess who it was. Of course it was Park Chanyeol riding his bike while standing on the pedals, his long blond hair flowing in the wind. My legs became weak with the rush of adrenaline. Took 'em at least five minutes to come back to normal.

For the last two years, I saw him a little less that in the first years. I sometimes would forget his existence until we crossed path in a corridor. He was always so handsome. The squealing girl into me always has a hard time surviving those encounters.

Last time I saw him was in college. As he was one year older, he wasn't in high school when I spent my last year there. So when I saw him not far away in college's wide public area, my heart pumped a little harder. One year, almost one year and a half and then without warning he's appearing right in front of me. As if I was prepared for that! He hadn't changed at all, except maybe that he seemed to wear clothes that looked a little less cheap, you know, slowly dressing like a respectable person. I don't think I could have tolerated to see him with shirt and tie on.

That last episode happened 3 years ago. I guess he went to university in another city, because I never heard of him after that. Now I'm 20, I'm going to university, starting to plan to move out of my parent's. I'm growing up and there's sometimes that little tiny voice in my head that reminds me that "hey! It's been a long time since you saw Chanyeol." And then I can't help but wonder how he's doing.

I know it's confused. I just had to get it out of me. (and make me regret even more not to have grown a pair and freaking went to talk to him) But what's done is done now. I'll just have to endure and live with the regrets of bitter-tasting missed opportunities.

Can I ask if I'm the only one acting like such an idiot!???!

Sorry about that depressing rambling. If you made it 'til here, you deserve all my respect. And a box of chocolate chips cookies. Here.

Thank you for your attention everyone.

Do Kyungsoo