“Hyung, what do you do to maintain your figure?”

Laughter erupts throughout the room, maknae knows he’s scored as the members pat his back, laughing, exchanging hi-fives, praising the maknae for his growing sense of humor. And Jaehwan knows, they’re at it again, making fun of his body again. Play along. His face of uncertainty and self consciousness only lasts a split second, a smile is put back on immediately.

“I eat and eat, I eat ice cream, chocolate, anything you can think of.” Jaehwan laughs, and is immediately joined by the other members, joined by stomping of feet and clapping of hands.

And Jaehwan doesn’t really pay attention after that, pay attention to the rest of the interview. The members often took him as a funny, carefree guy, a happy go lucky guy, which was part true.  But what was hidden from them, or so he thought, was the fact that he was in deed, a sensitive person who took laidback comments to heart. Which wasn’t good, he knew, members could have said some things jokingly but he just, couldn’t help but wonder if, they actually meant it, maybe there was truth in those comments.

And it’s been getting out of hand, this situation, members might have said it jokingly, but stylists and managers had also been telling him, cut down on the snacks, exercise more, lose some weight, you gotta maintain a good body image in this industry. Look at the other members, fit, lean bodies and all. Look at you.

Maybe he really needed to do something about this.

--

It had been going on for quite some time, for too long, this cycle, this vicious cycle.

Jaehwan had tried out exercising at first, didn’t want to go down the dieting road. But he realised, exercising wasn’t for him, he tried his very best, yet didn’t see any results. And he decided that all the energy put into running and sit-ups and lifting wasn’t worth it, his body was still not desirable.

It was Jaehwan’s time to go down that road.

He starts eating less, three meals a day to two meals a day, to one meal, sometimes even none. Tries his best to avoid eating with the other members for fear that one of them realised what he was doing.

“No thanks, I’ve eaten already.”

--

But sometimes, he just can’t escape, he runs out of excuses, has to eat with the members. Like times when the CEO treats them for their hard work, treats them for wins on a music show, members presented with a spread, literally, food of every flavour, meat, seafood, rice, noodles, everything.

And Jaehwan loved all the food, correction, he loved the food, he didn’t anymore (but deep down he’s just forcing himself to think so).  And during these times he would stare blankly, sighing inside, how the food actually made him feel disgusted, something he never felt before, he used to be such a glutton.

“Why are you not eating?”

“I’m….not very hungry.” Fake laughter.

“Well, at least eat some!”

“O-okay…”

And every mouthful of food he’s forcing himself to chew, forcing himself to swallow. The simple action of swallowing food just seemed, seemed so foreign to him, feeling the food go down his gullet, thinking about how it was gonna make him fat, and all the thoughts about how his efforts spent on dieting would just be washed down the drain like that, makes him feel dizzy, makes him feel like puking. Puking.

And he waits till its dark and silent in the dorm, when everyone is sleeping peacefully. Lo