I stared at his and the distance between the two of us. Between us lies a pillow that serves as a barrier. A barrier that divides and separates us.  I heaved a solemn breathe as I stare at the gap between us. We are near, yet so far. I bit my bottom lip, preventing the threatning tears from pouring out. I want to reach to him, to hug him close, and to kiss him for eternal but it's impossible. It's impossible to inch close to him with his wall that keeps me away from him. It's been like this for a year now; his cold self and his idea of dividing us in any way possible to keep me away from him.

I miss my husband. His touch and kisses ravishing me, his sweetness and playfulness, I miss him. I miss the old 'him'. I miss the old 'us'. The 'us' that are happily in love, without the hurt and pain, without the barrier that keeps us from loving each other. It's been a year since the old 'us' has been discarded and thrown away. All of it are gone. Gone.

"I love you," I whispered. It didn't matter if he heard it or not, as I am sure he's sound asleep, although a part of me wishes he does. Hopefully, my feelings would reach him. I knew  he heard it as I saw his muscles tensed and his breathing paused for a moment, before he heaved a deep sigh. I smiled weakly, knowing my feelings were known, but he didn't say anything nor do anything. I don't know if it's good that my love for him is known and acknowledged, or bad because he didn't do anything afterwards. I sighed for the nth time, glum at what saddness is happening to the both of us, to our marriage.

I stood from our bed (which doesn't feel exactly ours at the moment) and grabbed a robe as I went to the balcony to get some fresh air. There, I let the tears pour that's been wanting to be out. I probably looked pathetic with the messy hair and wet face from all the crying. All I could do is to weep, desiring for the old 'us'. How I wish we could save our marriage, and hopefully, our marrige isn't broken. After what felt like hours for these damned tears to dry, I went inside our bedroom. I gasped in surprise when I met him with such serious countenance on the edge of our bed. He looked at me, still and emotionless. He heaved a sigh, yet again before speaking.

"I heard you say those three damned words," he said, remaining his calmness but his voice had a hint of stern. He spoke as if those three true words I said were foolish to him. 

"That's because I love you," I said, saying those three unfalse words that say about my feelings for him, but stupid for him. 

"Love is not reciprocated," He stared at me coldly with his pair of alluring brown eyes. They used to be so warm and loving, but his eyes changed. Even his whole self changed. I clenched a fist, trying to control the anger, frustration, and again, the tears that are threatning to fall, yet again. Yes, I'm deeply hurt by what he said that my love for him isn't acknowledged, and I know I'm supposed to burst out in anger towards, to slap him across his cheeks and to knee his precious jewels but I know I couldn't bring myself to do that. All I feel is sadness, pain, and hope. Somehow, even after what he is doing to me, I was still wishing for everything to be back to where it used to be; back to the old and sweet 'us'.

"What am I supposed to do, then? Please, tell me," I stammered as I could no longer hold back these tears from pouring out. I grabbed a fist of my hair and started pulling them out, stressed with what's happening. I thought I saw his cold eyes soften for a moment but it quickly changed icy cold. He smirked as he stood up from the bed and inch close to me, encircling his arms around my waist. I felt myself soften at his touch, and he laughed lowly at my reaction.

I hate you for making me feel this way. For knowing I could tremble under your touch no matter what. That I can't and wouldn't be able to be released from your spell you casted upon me.

"Look at you, still wanting me even after I act such an to you," his smirk widened as he nibbled sensually on my ear. I moaned, breathless and amazed at how he could make me love his touches and kisses. His hand grabbed my right leg and hooked in on his waist, and instinctively, I wrapped both my legs around his waist, straddling him as he pushed me against the wall and kissed me passionately and sensually. His expert mouth went to my neck and immediately found the spot that he knows would make me moan in pleasure.

His hands grabbed my arms and wrapped it around his nape, then he my curves before his hands made its way on my robe to my stomach, and finally, to my s. His hand expertedly twirled, cup, and squeeze my s, earning him a moan. I felt him smirk against his smirk as his sinful mouth covered mine, biting the bottom lip of mine, as if asking permission to enter, and so I did. He explored every inch of my mouth and our tongues battled in dominance. I was in bliss. I thought I am seeing heaven.  He abruptly stopped with what he's doing, and I groaned in disappointment and frustration to why he stopped. I stared at his swollen lips, mine, wanting to devour those y lips once again. Again, he laughed lowly.

"Wow! I didn't know how much power I have over you. With just one touch and a kiss, I have you surrending to me," he said and everything he said was true. He has completely dominance over me. He has no idea how much I love him and what he's doing to me.

"I'm glad even after everything, I could still be sure that you'd always be there no matter what," he said, emotionless. His words could've been sweet but his voice is stern and strong. He knows his touch and kiss could make me crazy and he could be certain I won't leave his grasp even if he's being a jerk. I gave him a weak smile as I removed myself from him.

"I'm exhausted, tired from guessing what the hell is the problem and wondering what I could do to mend our relationship. Please, tell me what shall I do?" I cried.

"Undress that lad I caught you kissing with a year ago," he said through gritted teeth. His words made me weep harder.

"For heaven's sake, that was before; a past. Let it go," I yelled at him but he gave no reaction, only smirking to himself. 

"Oh yeah, if I hadn't entered that damned room, maybe you'd end up in the bed with him. I can't forget nor forgive. Tell me, if you were in my shoes, and you caught me making out with a beautiful lady, wouldn't you be furious? Bloody hell, you cheated on me," He yelled back in anger, and I could almost see his veins popping out of him. I put a hand across my face as I fell on my knees, crying. 

"Forgive me. I'm sorry," I stuttered my words, trying to get my message across him through these darn tears. 

"Apology not accepted," he said calmly, and he left me alone in our bedroom. Just like that, he walked out. I could only cry and shake my head as I watch him leave. After all, this is all I could, right? To sit back, watch, and cry.