three.

            Footsteps embed on the sand spread out on the shores of the beach as my feet get drenched in water. I look up to the sky and see silver linings spread wide above me; clouds adorn the skies as prettily as they could be. I shift my gaze to my side and see a smile plastered across his face; he held my hand and swung them lightly as we walked, then suddenly I can’t feel his warmth anymore. I shifted to my side and I didn’t see the red sun waiting to disappear across the horizon where it was once placed a few seconds ago. When I looked up, I was met with the tears of the sky falling down my cheeks. Where did it all go?

            No one is speaking, not you nor I. We stayed quiet as we sat side by side under the shade of the tree. You suddenly laughed at a joke you said and I see how your chest rose up and then fell down as you laughed. I didn’t really understand what you said but I bet it was pretty funny for you. You smiled at me and pointed at the juice box I was holding. “Are you going to drink that? I’m pretty thirsty, you know.” I felt my face heat up as I gave him the apple juice. I bought it for him but I must’ve forgotten to give it to him. He whispered a thanks and my heart suddenly beats faster than it normally should. I took my eyes off him for a second as I took in a lot of air and breathed it out.

            Why does the air seem so clean when he’s around? The sky looked brighter and prettier and the weather felt warmer and more balanced when he’s by my side. Maybe it’s just my illusions but if it was, I’d rather stay here with him forever just to experience such things. “You seem really happy today,” he commented. I looked at him and caught him staring at me but of course, he meant nothing by it while I did. My cheeks were again tainted with a slight tint of red and being the guy he was, he didn’t notice. I removed my eyes from his and looked up at the sky; it was bright and sunny, just like how I feel. I mumbled a thank you and he let out a low chuckle, oh how I loved him. I just can’t help but love him more as every moment passes by. When I close my eyes, though I’m supposed to see the dark, why do I see him? He’s that dark grey color I see when I close my eyes and my mind goes blank, he’s all I see. He’s all I think about.

            He’s just… perfect.

            “Hey, I have to tell you something.” I don’t know if it’s just me but the tone in his voice seemed really out of place. I returned my gaze to him and he’s not looking at me but on the floor, he sighed and tried to smile but it’s taken away as the wind passes by us. What he said next broke the strings that held my heart together. “I have a girlfriend now,” he seemed really happy but why is it that I don’t see a smile on his face? I tried to compose myself as I pushed the thought of him having a girlfriend and not being able to hang out with me any longer at the back of my head but the more I tried, the more it hurt. But I can’t complain, I can’t deny anything, I have no right to in the first place. He was never my possession.

            “I’m really happy for you,” what lies. “I wish the two of you a healthy relationship,” I said but my heart broke with every word I say. I was prepared for this. I told myself I was prepared but maybe that was just my mentality talking, and perhaps I wasn’t really prepared. Maybe I just tried to sugarcoat my feelings to avoid myself from getting hurt. I don’t know. He looked at me with shimmering eyes as he kissed me on the cheek, “Thank you.” He said and I felt my fists getting wetter from the sweat that was profusely coming out of my body. I felt my chest getting tighter and it became a little harder to breathe.

He stood up and brushed the dust off his pants as he held out a hand to me. “Come on, let’s go inside.” I shook my head and forced a smile on my face. “No, it’s okay. You go first; I have to take the laundry inside, weather says it’s going to rain all afternoon.” I said as I stood up next to him. He chuckled and ruffled my hair, “You work really hard, you know? Anyway, I have to go; my girlfriend’s waiting for me at home.” He winked at me and waved goodbye as he made his way towards the door. As the door shuts, I wished my heart did, too. But of course, it didn’t.

            A science teacher told me something about a broken heart syndrome. You experience shortness of breath and chest pain. Why do I think that I have that syndrome now? Maybe it’s because of the situation or maybe it’s because I can’t breathe as properly as I used to before and my chest really hurts. I held myself up on the fence behind the tree of my house’s backyard to support myself from falling down. I tried to calm myself and the pain slowly went away. But it didn’t go all the way, I still felt a little pain here and there but I can manage. I looked up at the sky and as if on cue, my tears started falling down my cheeks endlessly. I wiped them again and again but more tears keep on coming. I tried to scream but nothing comes out and I noticed how the sky remained bright and sunny… so it wasn’t true huh.

             My mom was lying. It wasn’t true that the skies tell you how you feel, if it was then it would’ve started to rain. Was the weather forecast wrong like my mom was? But why is it that I can’t blame anyone else aside from myself? I wanted this right? I chose this. I had a lot of opportunities to tell Baekhyun how I feel about him but I didn’t grab that chance. I could’ve told him when I had a chance and maybe then this wouldn’t have happened. But we don’t know what’s going to happen until we do so, that’s the risk we have to take. Maybe if I told him everything would’ve been better and I wouldn’t have to feel this pain anymore or maybe, if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be, I could’ve lost a friend. I could’ve lost Baekhyun and that’s the last thing I ever want to happen.

             I walked to school the next morning with bloodshot eyes, I’ve been crying all night and until now, the pain still lingers. Baekhyun walked up to me with a girl beside him, I’m guessing this is her. “Hey, sleepyhead. I went to your house this morning but no one was answering the door, where you awake ‘til late in the evening?” I shook my head as reflex. “Oh, then, you better clean your ears. I rang the doorbell a couple of times and you still didn’t answer.” He ruffled my hair and I slapped his hand away while I gave him a cold look. He laughed it away and proceeded to introduce me to his girlfriend. She was kind and pretty, the total opposite of me. She had great fashion sense and was pretty smart, too. I guess she’s Baekhyun’s ideal type. She wasn’t even one of those girls who were two-faced, she was genuine, my complete opposite.

             As they walked away from me, I noticed how the popular kids a.k.a the seniors were looking at me with sharp eyes but I just rolled my eyes at them as I left the school. Maybe I should take a break for a while. I walked towards the park where first met Baekhyun and lay down on the grass, my right hand as my pillow. I stared up at the sky. I wonder how he was feeling, maybe he’s having fun with her or maybe he was missing me? I don’t know. I wish.

             My tears started falling again and I tried my best to wipe them. This time, it did rain. But I didn’t get up; I stayed there and felt the rain fall on my face, drenching me. Just for tonight, I want to feel really numb. I want to feel no pain but as if, right? There’s no way I can stop the pain. I stood up and went straight to a club and asked for the heaviest alcoholic drink and I drank to my heart’s content. I had been drinking for a long time now and the bartender is starting to feel sorry for me, he asked me what my problem was and I force a smile on my face. “I’m okay,” I said but I know that he knew that I’m not. He stared at me for a good while before asking me again. Tears started to fall down my cheeks again as I whispered to him, “I love him… I love him so much. I regret not telling him how I feel.” He patted me on the back and smiled, “I believe friendship and bravery is more important than love, though.” I tilted my head to the left and tried my best to focus on his face but it was still blurry no matter how hard I tried.

             “How can you say that without knowing how I feel?” I scoffed. He chuckled and grabbed the beer from my hand and chugged it all up in one shot. “Trust me, I know. You’ve been mumbling everything since you came in here, I kind of understand what happened. Now that you’ve retained your self-confidence and you’re best friends with that dude, why don’t you just learn how to treasure it? Someday in the future, you’ll look back and laugh, oh how you’ve been stupid to cry about such a little thing.” He said and kissed me on the top of my head. “Good night, kid. Sweet dreams.”

             I woke up the next morning inside my house, on my bed with my head aching so badly. I’m glad it’s the weekend and somehow, I can’t really remember what happened after I entered the bar closest to the park, though for some reason, I remembered the bartender’s words so clearly that it feels more like a dream than reality. I smiled to myself as I recalled what he said. Yeah, I shouldn’t let this get me down, love doesn’t conquer all, friendship and bravery does. Even though I didn’t get to be with Baekhyun, at least I got to have my self-confidence back and I got to brush those jocks off my shoulders. No, Edgar Allan Poe, I don’t believe that life is like a series of images that pass before our eyes, you think you’ve lost everything but there’s more to life than what you think there is. That’s right, Mr. Bartender. Sweet dreams.