She stared out of the window, not really paying attention to the scenery as it passed by. It wasn’t as if any of it was unfamiliar to her. In fact, she knew the scenery too well. Year after year, she would take the same route to her desired destination.

Nine hours.

She closed her eyes.

She could relish in nine hours of peace in her mind. No pressure from her job. No hassle from her parents. No irritation caused by her friends. Just her.

“But is it just you?”

She looked at the seat beside her, taking in the gentle smile of her companion, but not returning it with one of her own. She wasn’t in the particular mood.

“You know, if you don’t make another expression your face may just get stuck in that position forever,” he pouted at her lack of reaction.

She exhaled; it wasn’t a sigh, just a mere exhale of air, “Think about it this way, the less I move my face, the less wrinkles I’ll have when I hit 40. That is, of course, if I do hit 40.”

He frowned at her statement, not liking it one bit. He never did like it when she was pessimistic, “Of course you’ll reach 40. Unless you’re planning to commit suicide or something. You’re not right? Because that would make me really sad. I would be disappointed if I couldn’t see you again.”

Unlike her, he was an optimist. His outlook on life, though still realistic, was always bright. He always tried to find the good in people, always tried to be that little ray of sunshine in people’s lives. It almost sickened her.

“Nah, committing suicide would just be a waste,” she replied without any inflection in her words. She rarely said anything that wasn’t true. This was no different. It would be a waste if she committed suicide. There were still things she wanted to do, things she wanted to hear, to taste, to experience, to see... She didn’t have anything like a physical bucket list, there would probably be hell if anybody were to find that, but it was only because she didn’t want to live with the thought of death weighing on her mind. She wanted to live life to the fullest.

“Then I hope that we’ll grow old together,” he grinned in his ever so charming manner.

She blinked at his cheery disposure, restraining her face from making her discontent evident, “Maybe we will.” The only thing resembling a smile on her face was the slightest tilt of the corner of her lips. If he wasn’t looking for a smile on her face so closely, he might’ve missed it.

She didn’t like his smile much, not this one at least. He gave this certain smile to practically everyone and everything. Don’t get her wrong, she did like his smile, even loved it once a long time ago, but she learned this smile’s difference to the one he gave to another. He was so kind, so endearing, and ever so polite to the people around him, so he always had a certain smile that would belong to everyone. The other one, however, belonged to one person. And when she saw the difference, she wondered why anybody else couldn’t. Maybe she was just too attentive... or maybe she just liked him too much.

They met in Jeju, or rather the bus ride going to Jeju, much like the route this bus was going. Her friend had decided to flirt with his friend so he switched seats with her so that their friends could get to know each other. The two of them had also managed to hit it off well, sharing a number of similarities and interests. They exchanged numbers and decided to spend time with each other that summer. That summer, to her, was pure bliss to her teenage imagination. Vacation with her best friend, and the guy that she was attracted to. And that small attraction lead to an innocent summer romance.

Warm hugs, chaste kisses, passionate stares, and tantalizing touches.

But, much like the seasons are, it was fleeting. It stopped after that summer. Whatever that hormonal spark was dissipated with the heat of the season. But they still kept in contact, taking some time out of their high school lives to call and text each other about their ridiculous lives. Just like it wasn’t hard for them to fall into lust, it wasn’t hard for them to fall into a comfortable friendship either. It was never awkward between them, even when their two friends got together (and are in fact, still together), and even throughout the next few years leading to the present.

The first summer they experienced together wasn’t their last. They made it a tradition to meet up in Jeju for vacation as a stress reliever for the two of them. In a sense, they were themselves there. They didn’t have to struggle to put on a happy face when they were together. She sobbed about her parents’ high expectations here. He got angry about his teachers and school work being too hard. They showed each other the ugly sides that were hidden away under depths of false smiles and polite pretenses. It wasn’t as if they weren’t nice, or kind, or even thoughtful of the people around them. In fact, it was just because of that that there are people that kindly take advantage of it.

He poked her in the arm, “What are you thinking about right now? You know I can’t read you that well.”

Which was extremely true. Though observant, he was always stumbled by the way she would slip into thought. Her expression was like an iron wall, and her eyes wouldn’t betray even a sliver of emotion. It frightened him when she would become like that, so she often put it away where he couldn’t see it.

“And I can read you very well,” she looked back out at the landscape.

He wasn’t quite an open book. He kept a lot of things to himself, often choosing to suffer in silence much to her chagrin. She started growing out of having people take advantage of her early on in university, but that just proved how much patience he had compared to her. What did she do to deserve a friend like him?

“I know I keep asking this, but are you upset with me? You’ve been a bit distant lately...”

Her eyes shifted to his left hand discreetly, just for a second, before turning her gaze back to the window, “No. You know I could never get upset with you. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately with work and stuff... Not to mention, my parents keep hounding me to find a boyfriend and get married. But, you know I’m not interested in that. Going out, finding a man to marry, and having kids isn’t my scene.”

He leaned back on his seat, “Then are you planning on being single forever? I think you would make a great wife and mother. I know you’re already a good girlfriend.”

She scoffed, “From what experience? Our one month vacation back when we were teens? Because that really doesn’t say much about me.”

He shook his head, “No. It’s because you’re my friend. You’re kind, intelligent, outgoing, and all around amazing. And I love you for those qualities.”

In the most platonic way possible of course. She knew and remembered what she felt when he introduced her to his significant other. There was a sinking feeling in her gut and a bitter taste in as she smiled and stuck out her hand to shake hers in greeting. Her whole body felt like it was being stabbed by needles as she ate dinner with the couple. She felt twitchy, and she would often feel like she was struggling to breathe. Not like any of them were paying attention, of course. They were too wrapped up in each other to turn their faces towards her. And then she finally took note of his smile.

Ah... so this is what he looks like when he’s in love, she remembered thinking as she almost felt like her heart paused.

She didn’t know if he had ever shown her that smile, but she knew she would’ve never been able to tell back in her high school years. She was like every other teen was, a bit naïve to the ways of the world. But med school hardened her, and taking psychology classes made her more aware of the people around her. She wondered if she could ever go back to retrieve the innocence she left behind. To go back to a point in her life where she wasn’t so observant of her surroundings. Where she could look at somebody and not be able to read their sign language as if it were a textbook. To when all she felt was pleasure and satisfaction from being by his side.

But, happiness never lasts that long... and she’s always scared to know of what happens after.

“You know, I wish we could speak more often.”

She looked at him with a wide-eyed, incredulous look on her face.

“I know what you’re going to say. ‘We talk to each other all the time!’ But, you know, I don’t think that’s true. I always feel like I’m the one talking. I’m always the one that is unloading my problems on to you, but you never complain. You’re always giving me advice, listening to me, and yet I don’t remember you talking about yourself at all. Probably ever since our third year of college. You’ve never let me see you for over six years. So... will you talk to me?” His smile wasn’t anything reminiscent of the one he wore earlier. It was heartbreaking.

She didn’t know how to answer him because it was completely true. Third year of college, after being introduced to his then-girlfriend, she shut down. Not physically or mentally, lord knows that if that were to happen, she would’ve died under piles of work in college, but she had decided to shut down emotionally. Layer after layer of steel was used to re-enforce her heart in hopes that nothing would penetrate it, and that her unrequited love would stay a quiet secret that only she would know. Of course, it did much good for her in not allowing anything in, but it also didn’t allow anything out. Her personal life had become off-limits to everyone, even those who were close to her. Her friends, family, and colleagues were very much oblivious to her inner turmoil. And it was much better that way, not only for herself, but also for them. She just wanted to leave as quickly and as quietly as possible.

Her answer to him came out in quiet mumbles, “Maybe one day I will. I don’t know when, but maybe I’ll explain it to you one day... the reason why I haven’t been talking to you lately.”

“That doesn’t sound promising. If anything, I would think that you’re lying to me right now.”

And now she could tell the difference. The real one wouldn’t have been able to discern her lie so easily. Or even when he did, she knew when he was able to because the edge of his lips would tip down ever so slightly and his nose would flare a bit, he rarely voiced the opinion. She didn’t know why he wouldn’t persist on asking since she wasn’t cold-hearted enough to reject him if he asked a few more times, but she had always questioned if he felt like he had no place to ask her because she rarely told him anything about her life as of late. However, there was nothing she could complain about. Sure, she dealt with blood, open wounds, ruptured organs, and the several wonders of the human body on a daily basis, but it was her job as an E.R. intern (and she would admit that it wasn’t as disgusting as people made it out to be during class). And her other problem... she dabbled on confessing her feelings at times. If she finally got her emotions out there, maybe she would be able to move on to the better things in life. Though, she wasn’t quite sure there would ever be a man that would compare to him. Whether it be the one in reality, or the one she was speaking to right now in her dreams.

“I think it’s just about time that I wake up, Nichkhun-ah.”

“Wait–!”

Her eyes opened as she heard the announcement that the bus was arriving at the docks. She dreamed a lot more often lately... and hoped that those dreams wouldn’t turn into hallucinations. The last thing she wanted was to be delusional. Could she avoid hallucinating though? Having him beside her...

She got off the bus with her luggage, carrying the large black bag that was placed right in the seat where she had imagined him sitting. She paid for her ticket at the booth and got onto the ferry, trying to avoid an influx of people that were going there as well. She stayed close to the rails in the outdoors, preferring the fresh air that was blowing her mid-back length hair haphazardly. Constantly being cooped up in the hospital where all she could smell was sanitary products, alcohol and blood, she appreciated the outdoors a bit more.

A Kraft paper catalogue envelope made light fluttering sounds since it stuck out from a side pocket like a sore thumb against the black nylon. She took it out, opening the unsealed envelope to look at the white sheets of paper that sat inside. The black ink marred the crisp white sheets with words that sealed her future in stone.

At most, there was a year.

Nothing more, nothing less.

A loud horn blew, signalling that the ferry was leaving the dock. As the mainland became smaller and smaller to her eyes, she reached for the disposable lighter she kept in her bag (it came in handy in the most unexpected moments). With both hands outstretched over the rail and the water, the envelope in one hand and the lighter in the other, she lit the envelope aflame. The paper curled and darkened as the orange fire trailed across the edges, burning only one mere piece of physical evidence that would unravel her world. Her fingers let go of the small fragment that had yet to burn into the strong wind and into the dark waters below.

“You know, it would be tragic if the wind was blowing the other way.”

She rolled her eyes, “Tragic, yes. But, you don’t think I’m stupid enough to do that now, am I?” She turned to the much taller male with a raise of the eyebrow and a smirk on her lips, “No mention of my blatant littering?”

He mockingly shook his head, stretching out his arms to take the girl into a hug, “Nah, I’ll ignore that. What did you burn?”

She returned the hug, breathing in the fresh scent of his t-shirt, “Just something I really needed to get rid of.”

“Not going to give me a straight answer for that?”

She could feel the vibrations of his chuckle against her body, feel his warmth on her skin, and hear the steady heartbeat as she rested her ear to his chest, “Nope.”

He didn’t need to know that this summer...

would be their last.

beginning: about me.