She said "Let's get out of this town, drive out of the city, away from the crowds."

I thought "Heaven can't help me now. Nothing lasts forever. But this is gonna take me down."

A small sigh slips past barely parted lips as she places a piece of paper into her book to save her page before closing it, setting it down on the table with a dull thud. It was days like today -- days that were spent lounging around in the dorms (because heaven forbid they leave their living quarters without a body guard... or ten) with nothing else to do -- that nearly drove her mad. It wasn't as though she was a woman that wanted to constantly be on the move. In actuality, she was really just a quiet homebody. But today? Today she wanted to get out, do a bit of shopping, maybe enjoy some lunch. 

"Taengoo?" The voice is almost a coo, coming from the figure across the table.

"You look like you're trying to fry your book with your eyeballs. I don't think it works that way, but don't let me stop you from trying."

She lifts her head to look at Jessica, a small semblance of a smile tugging at the corners of . There's always a joke with her, a sly phrase that never fails to amuse her. It was simply the way that Jessica was, and it was something that she hoped never changed. 

"I'm not trying to fly my book with my eyeballs, Sica." Lie. "It's just frustrating. Clearly Clary and Jace both know what they want, but they're over complicating things. I've read this series multiple times and I just don't get it. They can be together, so why are they being so frustrating?"

A melodic laugh chimes through the air, a brightness returning to Jessica's eyes that Taeyeon would swear wasn't there a minute ago. "Maybe you hate them so much because they remind you of yourself. You do have an awful habit of overcomplicating things, don't you?"

Taeyeon throws a glare in Jessica's direction, but there was no room to protest. As per usual, Jessica was right. She did have an awful habit of overcomplicating things -- she had for nearly three years with Jessica herself. Once they'd both seen how childish their cold war had been, it was easy to move past things with a different view point. Six months later, she can now sort of say that Jessica is her girlfriend. Of course, she couldn't say it publicly. To say it publicly would mean shooting her career in the foot and kissing fame goodbye. (Some days, it didn't seem like a bad idea, but she wasn't quite ready to let go of the idol life just yet.) But she could say it to the other girls, to her mother -- that was what mattered.

"Shut up." It's a immature retort, one that only serves to make Jessica laugh harder.

When the blonde finally recovers from her fit of giggles, she reaches across the table, fingertips brushing over smooth knuckles. "But why are you reading it again, Taeng?" Her fingertips move to lace themselves with her girlfriend's, eyes never leaving the table. "Doesn't it get boring after the fifth time?"

Taeyeon shrugged, pushing the book away from her and to the other side of the table. It did get boring, but what else was she supposed to do?

"Of course it's boring. But what else am I supposed to do? I'm trapped here on a Friday afternoon and the Library of Tiffany only has so many books." 

"True..." Jessica's voice trails off, and for a moment, they're left in a comfortable silence.

All she wanted was to get in her own car, take off down the highway with the wind in her hair and Jessica giggling beside her. Maybe stop at a food truck, scarves pulled up to their noses and sunglasses obscuring their eyes. If they played their cards right, no one would know it was two members of the nation's girl group out on a slightly unromantic date. After rice cakes, they could go window shopping. Jessica would point to something, only to see the price tag and shake her head no, claiming that the price "wasn't pretty." It had always made Taeyeon laugh -- for a girl that did make a rather large sum of money, Jessi was surprisingly frugal. She only bought items she knew could be staples in her closet, only items that she knew would last. It was something small that Taeyeon had always admired. And after, maybe a moonlit walk. 

It wasn't even remotely possible, but a girl could dream. 

"Do you ever wish we could just get away?" Her voice shatters the silence, and Jessica looks up with a knowing smile on her lips. "Get in the car and go somewhere, do something? Maybe go see a movie? Walk down the street holding hands."

The other girl purses her lips, nodding slightly. "You know that would be nice. Impossible, but nice."

And there's a part of Taeyeon that wants to break every rule. She knows what kind of trouble it could bring, what the consequences would be if anyone were to find out about their secret rendezvous. As much as she wanted to just be Kim Taeyeon: Daughter, Friend, & Girlfriend, she was Kim Taeyeon: Leader, Main Vocalist, Girls' Generation member first. Always.

The voice in the back of her head tells her to move on, to stop wasting her time on a thought that could never materialize. And to many, this thought would seem so small. It wasn't a big deal to sneak out for an afternoon of fun if you were a normal girl. But for her? For them? The thought was huge. 

"Not impossible." The words escape before she even realizes that she's said them. Jessica gives her a puzzled look, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "We could do it."

"Did that book fry your brain? We can't."

"Yes, we can. You know we can. We'd be gone for a few hours at the most."

"You're insane, Taeyeon. Didn't you hear Oppa?" She clears , narrowing her gaze at Taeyeon in a direct imitation of their manager. "Don't leave without chaperon. After what happened last time, we don't need another situation." She breaks her character, cocking her head to the side. "You know I like to break the rules, but what's gotten into you?"

What had gotten into her? One word stood out in her mind: Jessica. There was something about the other girl that made her want to go above and beyond. She wanted to give her a proper date, take her out in public like so many others did. She wanted to show Jessica how much she cared. 

"Is it really crazy that I want to take my girlfriend out on a date? We'd be gone for a few hours, and it wouldn't be the end of the world."

And Jessica isn't sure what makes her cave. Perhaps it's the pout of Taeyeon's lips, the warmth in her eyes that seems to be reserved only for her. Maybe it's the way Taeyeon looks like an easily excitable child. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the reasoning. Taeyeon, her Taeyeon, wants to take her out on a date. How could she say no to that? How could she say no to Taeyeon?

(She's always had a problem saying no to Taeyeon. Always.)

A heavy sigh fills the air as she nods, reluctantly opening to give her verbal approval. "A few hours at most, Tae. I'm tired -- I want to sleep."

Taeyeon laughs, rolling her eyes as she stands. "You sleep all the time. It's unhealthy."

"Thanks for the memo, Doc. Let me grab my purse."

And as she disappears down the hallway and into the room she shares with Yuri, she can't help but feel an ache in the pit of her stomach. When it happened, she wasn't sure, but she'd fallen hopelessly into the hurricane that was Kim Taeyeon. Even Heaven couldn't help her now, and nothing truly lasted forever. (She'll never say that she can all but see the ending in the distance. She'll never say she knows they'll both walk around with memories that would haunt them forever. She just hopes that when it's over, Taeyeon will remember her. That when it's over, Taeyeon will see her again.)

When they return later that evening, cheeks slightly windburned and hair messy from the winter Korean wind, they don't say a word to the other girls. They don't answer the questions or acknowledge the knowing glances being tossed around the circle. They just throw their heads back in laughter when Sunny cracks a joke.

Taeyeon catches Jessica's eye.

Jessica smiles, a blush coloring her cheeks as she looks down at her lap.

Heaven definitely could not help her now.

---

I said "No one has to know what we do."

Her hands are in my hair, her clothes are in my room.

"Taeyeon..." It's a whisper, just a breath against moving lips. Fingertips dance along the smooth skin of arms, leaving a trail of delicious heat in their arms. It's a heat that's consumed them so many times before, a heat that never fails to stun Jessica into silence. How could one person make her feel so much with something as simple and as small as a touch?

A hum comes from the other girl, stopping to pull away only to look into Jessica's eyes. What she's met with isn't disappointing; lust, desire. A need that was so carnal, so raw. It's a look that's all too familiar to her. Muscles ripple underneath her palm as she slides it over the creamy expanse of her abdomen, hooded eyes gazing back at her. 

"Tell me what you want, Jessica."

Those same hooded eyes narrow, challenging her request. Her order.

"You know what I want."

That much was true. Taeyeon always seemed to know what button to push, what strings to pluck. It was a skill. 

"I want to hear you say it."

A whine is all she's given in return as fingers thread through thick golden hair. For a brief moment, she gazes down at the soft strands. She'd always preferred Jessica as a blonde, though she rarely voiced her opinion. She wasn't a fan of the cartoonish yellow they'd stuck her with a few times before -- it didn't suit someone who had been dubbed The Ice Princess by the public -- but rather the golden hue, not too light but not too dark she'd been given for their latest comeback. It was regal, mature. This was a look suited for a princess. 

Another whine brings Taeyeon out of her thoughts, a smirk settling on her lips. Jessica never backed down easily, though she was never quite sure why. Jessica wasn't one to surrender, wasn't one to give up without a fight. She wasn't a loser. But was losing so bad when you were really winning at the same time?

"If you tell me what you want, Sica, you can have it. Anything."

Anything. Anything at all. 

"You, Taeyeon. I want you."

Lips connect in a heated kiss as fire dances through their veins, at skin wherever fingers touch. They're a mess of hair and limbs, hums and whimpers. In a way, a beautiful disaster.

As Taeyeon pushes Jessica into the mattress, her lips trail down her neck, leaving warm open-mouthed kisses in their wake. Her touch ghosts over her chest, fingers splayed out on her stomach. 

"No one has to know what we do," Taeyeon breathes, the heat of her breath clinging to the skin of Jessica's inner thighs. 

No one has to know. She wants to say something, anything to protest. But Taeyeon's mouth is moving and her fingers have disappeared. Lust clouds her vision and the argument dies in .

The last thing she remembers is her body arching off the bed, Taeyeon's name a gasp on her lips.

But this is getting good now.

---

You see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night.

Burning it down.

It's hours later when they've both come down from their respective highs, a heap of sweaty limbs and satisfied smiles. Jessica is curled protectively in Taeyeon's arms, face pressed against her neck as she peppers soft kisses along the silky skin. This was the part she cherished more than anything else. For a few hours, they could lay with each other undisturbed, cuddled in a familiar and warm embrace.

"Taengoo?" She pulls away from her neck, warm eyes searching for her girlfriend's. Eyelids flutter open, a smile appearing on Taeyeon's face.

"I love when you call me that."

That wasn't a secret. She told Jessica nearly every chance she got. She wasn't sure where the nickname originated; she'd seen it being used by a few fans and it seemed to stick. Before long, Jessica was cooing Taengoo whenever she needed the girl to pay attention to her, whenever she needed to see that smile on her face. And though Jessica used it often, it never got old. It never stopped having that effect.

"I know." It's cheeky in a matter-of-fact way that Jessica had perfected over the years. "But I've been thinking about something."

"That's dangerous." A playful slap hits her bare shoulder, and she feigns injury for a moment. "Yah! Don't injury me before a live performance!"

"I'm trying to be serious, Taeyeon."

The smile falls from her face, replaced with a look of curiosity. In truth, Jessica wasn't one to be serious unless the situation truly called for it. Of the pair, it seemed to be agreed upon that Taeyeon was the yin and Jessica was the yang. Dark and light. Serious and playful. A perfect sort of balance.

"I've been thinking about a business venture." A pause. "You know Tyler Kwon, don't you? I've been discussing my options with him as a potential investor. Not only is he a great friend, he's business savvy." Another pause. "Tae, I think I might want to pursue a clothing line."

The silence she's met with is deafening. She can all but see the gears turning in Taeyeon's head, she can all but hear the pieces clicking into place. Taeyeon had always been one to jump to the worst possible scenario. When the accident at the airport had left her with an bruise on her head and a mild concussion, Taeyeon had been convinced that she'd need major brain surgery. When a small fire had broken out in the dorm as a result of her and Sooyoung's terrible cooking, Taeyeon had sworn they'd need to call the fire department even after the fire had been put out. Kim Taeyeon was a worrier.

"I know what you're thinking."

"You don't."

"I know you, Taeyeon, and I know what you're thinking. So please take that frown off your face before you get deep set wrinkles in your forehead before you hit thirty."

The frown instantly fades, but her eyes remain blank. What would this mean for the group? What would this mean for their careers? What would this mean for everything that they'd ever worked for, everything they've strived to accomplish since they were teenagers? What would this mean for them?

"I don't want to leave the group. I think that if I delegate tasks and schedule my time wisely, I shouldn't have to. I know that I can do both, and this has been my dream for so long. And honestly, everyone else is doing something. Look at Sunny with her radio show. Yoona and Sooyoung have their respective dramas. Hyoyeon is dancing constantly, and Yuri is ridiculously dedicated to her songwriting. You have TaeTiSeo with Fany and Juhyun. I'm the only one not currently doing something, so why can't I fulfill my dream too?"

Taeyeon bites her lip, casting her gaze away from the other girl. A clothing line, a business, was a bit more to tackle than a role in a drama or a subunit, but there wasn't a doubt in her mind that Jessica could succeed. Despite being labeled the lazy one, Jessica was anything but. Every time she put her mind to something, dedicated herself to a cause, she succeeded. It was in her nature, and she assumed that this would be no different.

But on the other hand, how could she ever hope to balance a full time business with a full time career? Not only was the thought ambitious, the thought was a little naive as well. (She'd never tell Jessica that. Never.) She wants to support Jessica through everything. (She doesn't want Jessica to leave her behind.)

Fingers brush along Jessica's arm, and she's hesitant to speak. 

"You know that I think you can succeed in everything that you do, Sica." She's told her so many times before. "And if any one of us should be opening a clothing line, it's you." 

Jessica can feel the impending "but." A weight settled in the center of her chest as she prepares herself for the worst.

"But I don't want you to stretch yourself too thin." (I don't want you to forget about me.)

"Do you think I'm capable of balance?"

"Yes." (I don't know.) 

"Then I don't see a problem."

Taeyeon sighs, a heavy rise and fall of her chest. There was no winning, no compromise when Jessica put her mind to something. Her focus was one hell of a drug, and she wasn't easily swayed. It wasn't as though Taeyeon wanted to sway her from this idea entirely -- she just wanted Jessica to be rational, logical. Would their company really let her do this without consequence?

"There isn't a problem. But promise me you'll talk to the other girls about this too? And promise me you'll talk to Oppa and our superiors. Cross your I's and dot your T's -- right? Isn't that how Americans say it?"

A loud shriek of laughter breaks the tension. Bewilderment flashes in Taeyeon's eyes, confusion contorting her features.

"You cross your T's and dot your I's, Taengoo," Jessica explains through a fit of laughter. The sound is so rich, so melodic, so warm, that it leaves an ache in the pit of Taeyeon's stomach. What if Jessica did decide to leave? (She don't know what she'd do.) What if she didn't get to hear that laugh anymore? (She'd replay the memory over and over again -- it'd never get old.)

"I promise I'll do things right. At least give me some credit." She pauses, looking wistfully into the distance. "How does Jessica Jung: CEO & Artistic Director sound to you?"

"I like the sound of that. But you know what sound I like more than that?"

"What?"

"The sound of you my name."

The playful smack echoes through the dimly lit room, and Taeyeon puts her hands up in mock surrender. When it came to Jessica -- who was still, mind you, very warm and very much as she was tucked against her side -- it was hard to keep her mind out of the metaphorical gutter. (She didn't want to keep her mind out of the gutter.)

"Yah! You really are trying to injure me for that performance!"

"Really, ByunTaeyeon?"

All Jessica gets is a sheepish grin in return, and before she knows it, she's being pressed into the mattress all over again. 

She doesn't ever want this to end.

But someday if you leave me,

I'll bet these memories follow you around.

---

They're kicking Jessica out.

(She knows.)

This wasn't how she wanted this to end.

(She'll never admit she played a part in this.)

It was a war of words that couldn't be won. There was no reasoning with the people that signed your checks, no compromise with the company that made you who you were today. The choice was clear cut, simple. Jessica would be asked to leave Girls' Generation indefinitely, or the entire group would suffer the consequence of a hiatus. Of course, there had been a loop hole that would allow Jessica to stay; the only catch was she'd need to depart from her business before returning to group activities. It was cruel, insensitive. It was heartless, cold. But it was business. They were a business.

They'd given her the choice. It was deliberately calculated, and that much she knew. If there was anyone that could convince Jessica to shelf her business, it was her. But to ask Jessica to give up her livelihood, her dream? That was something she couldn't do, something even she couldn't ask of her. 

So she'd made the choice. She chose to give Jessica her dream while protecting the dream of her own. She was doing what was best for Girls' Generation. In theory, she thought she was helping.

(She hadn't helped at all.)

"Did you know?" The words are harsh, shattering through the silence in the living room of their dorm. And as she turns around to look at Jessica, really look at her, she can see that the ice she'd spent so long trying to melt had frozen over again. There's no familiar glow in her eyes, no look of adoration she'd become so accustomed to.

She'd been trying to avoid this moment, this confrontation. Juhyun was out to dinner with Yoona. Sooyoung was away filming her drama. Sunny was prepping for her radio show. Yuri and Hyoyeon had stayed late at the studio to rehearse, and Tiffany was out with a friend. And when you were the only two people in the building, it was hard to avoid each other no matter how much she wanted to.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me the truth, Taeyeon! You owe me that."

She owed Jessica so much more than the truth. She owed her so much more than the apology she could offer, so much more than the words that had died in upon seeing her face. She owed her happiness, stolen kisses. She owed her comfort, a solid place to land. And she'd tried to give that to her, tried to be the best she could be. But as always, she'd failed. She'd failed as a leader, she'd failed as a friend, she'd failed as a girlfriend. She was a failure.

"How long did you know?"

"A few days. A week at most."

The laughter that bubbles from Jessica's lips sends a chill down her spine. It isn't melodic or soft. It's bitter, rough. It's everything that Jessica wasn't.

"I never wanted to hurt you."

That much was true, though the line between her best intentions and personal motives had blurred beyond recognition. She'd thought Jessica wanted to pursue her business. She'd seen how thin Jessica had stretched herself, how her heart wasn't in the performances, how her body was there but her eyes always seemed to be somewhere else. She'd wanted the best for everyone involved, to protect Girls' Generation and to protect Jessica. Looking at it now, she'd done a lot of the former and not nearly enough of the latter.

"How can you say that you never wanted to hurt me? You could have told me, Taeyeon! You could have told me what was going on, could have let me known what I was up against! I thought I was coming here today to discuss my options. I thought that if I pled my case and let them know how much I want to be here, how much I want to be with you girls, they'd reconsider. My business is important to me, but Girls' Generation has always been my first priority." There's a hitch in her breath that's so soft, Taeyeon thinks she might be hearing things. "You've always been my first priority."

There's a pause. Jessica's eyes are glassy with unshed tears, and Taeyeon wants nothing more than to close the distance between them, take her into her arms and make everything better.

(There was no making this better.)

"I thought I did everything right. I'd gotten permission from our superiors, I'd gotten permission from the girls, I'd gotten permission from you. I was so careful. I separated my business from Girls' Generation so no one could say I was using you to launch my platform." She takes a shaky breath, looking down at her hands before lifting her head to glance at Taeyeon. "I did everything I could, and it wasn't enough, was it?" 

Taeyeon opens , prepared to say something -- anything -- but Jessica raises her hand to stop her. "I thought it was 'Right now, it's Girls' Generation. From now on, it's Girls' Generation. Forever, Girls' Generation. I was wrong, wasn't I?"

And what can she say? There's no explanation, no apology that could ease the pain. There's nothing she could say to make any of this better.

"Taeyeon, answer me something."

"Anything."

"Did you ever love me?"

"Jessica..."

"Did you?"

Yes. Of course she loved Jessica. She loved Jessica in a way she'd never loved anyone else, in a way that she never knew she could love someone. She loved Jessica more than she could put into words, more than she thought she'd ever truly begin to comprehend. "Yes." It's a simple answer for a girl of few words, but she pushes forward to elaborate, to give Jessica the answer she deserves. "Of course I love you, Jessica. I didn't know I could love someone like that. I spent months hoping you'd forgive me for being so stupid, for ignoring you all those years. I spent weeks trying to figure out how to tell you, days trying to muster up the courage to tell you. And when you told me that you felt something for me too, I didn't know what to say. I just remember being so happy, so relieved. It was everything I wanted, everything I want. You're everyting that I want."

"If you loved me so much, why didn't you fight for me?"

It was a valid question. A valid question that Taeyeon didn't have the answer to.

"I... I didn't have a choice."

"You always have a choice, Tae." And once again, she breaks the eye contact. She glances down at her hands, teeth worrying her bottom lip. "When you told me you were worried about me stretching myself too thin, I knew what you were thinking. You were worried that I'd forget you. You were worried that I'd leave you behind, that I'd stop having time for you."

A lump forms in Taeyeon's throat, hands falling to her sides. She had feared that. She didn't want Jessica to forget about her, forget about them.

"I didn't. I wouldn't. I don't think I could forget you even if I tried."

The words hang in the air, silence settling over the living room. It isn't a comfortable silence, but rather a silence that holds unspoken words. It's almost defeaning as her mind replays the conversation that had taken place days before. The conversation that had brought them to this moment. She doesn't even know she's speaking until the words are said.

"What's going to happen to us?"

"Don't you get it? Don't you see it, Taeyeon? I'm leaving. I don't have a choice. Someone made that choice for me. You know they aren't going to let me see you, and I've got a business to run."

"Don't say that... Jessica, there's got to be a way."

There's another moment of silence as Jessica looks down at her phone. When she looks up, there's a sadness in her eyes. Defeat. Perhaps even regret. "Soojung is waiting for me in the car."

"Sooyeon..."

Taeyeon isn't sure what makes the Korean name fall from her lips, a whisper against the silence that hung over them like a curtain. It forces Jessica's eyes up, pain evident in chocolate orbs. 

"I didn't stop loving you, Taeyeon. I didn't forget about you. And I never stopped having time for you."

"Please don't do this."

"I have to go."

She doesn't move until she hears the door slam in the distance. It's another second until she's on her knees, sobs wracking her body with a force she never knew existed. 

And when we've had our very last kiss,

My last request is...

---

Say you'll remember me,

standing in a nice dress,

staring at the sunset, babe.

Her nights are restless. She sleeps, but it's never peaceful. She wakes with the same dark circles under her eyes -- dark circles that have sparked rumors online about her current well being. Her performances are lackluster, her vocals are beautiful but lack passion. Tiffany and Sunny have both expressed their concerns, but she only smiles, nods, and says that she's trying. They can't ask anything more of her.

They find her sleeping more. On the bus, in the makeup chair. In the dorm, as often as she can backstage. Yoona asks her if she's trying to take over "unnie's" old job. She laughs it off as though the words don't send a pain through her chest, as if doesn't tighten at the mere mention of Jessica. It's been weeks. She doesn't tell them that she likes the sleep, however unpeaceful it is. She doesn't tell them she craves the sleep.

She doesn't tell them she sleeps for the dreams. She doesn't tell them she craves those dreams.

Because in her dreams? Jessica is there.

"Taengoo? Hurry up! You're going to miss it!" The girlish giggle comes from a head of blonde hair, sunglasses perched on the bridge of her nose. In the flowing dress, Taeyeon might even say she looks like a princess. "You can leave the blanket, we don't need it."

How anyone could miss a sunset, she wasn't entirely sure. It was an event that happened daily, an event that never changed. Some days, you were lucky enough to have a moment to stop and glance in the direction of the oranges and reds that painted the sky a beautiful hue. Others, you were too rushed to appreciate the true beauty of such a mundane happening. Today, though, was different. Today was special.

It was Jessica's dream date. A picnic dinner with a perfect few of the sunset. When Taeyeon had heard her idea for the evening, her eyebrows furrowed and she'd spent ten minutes trying to figure out what made a sunset dinner so special. But looking at it now, looking at the shadows Jessica was casting on the ground, looking at the way the sun seemed to lap at her skin, basking her in a warm golden glow, she understood. She saw the beauty.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"It is. But not as beautiful as you."

A laugh echoes in the open space, the same melodic and soft sound she's found herself so accustomed to. It's a sound she doesn't know if she could ever go without.

"I love you."

The words never fail to catch Taeyeon off guard. Jessica turns, a small smile tugging at the very corners of her lips. Fingers are lacing together with her own, and in that moment, there's not a place in the world she'd rather be.

"I love you too."

"Forever, Taeyeon?"

Forever was a long time, but it was a time that she wanted to spend with Jessica. She couldn't see herself with anyone else, couldn't see herself fighting for a future with anyone else. As long as they had each other, as long as they were together, they could accomplish anything. So when she looks over at Jessica, cheeks rosy and lips tinted red, she's certain of her answer. 

"Forever."

They seal it with a kiss.

And when she wakes up in the dead of night, mouth whispering the name of someone she knew would not reply, fingers reaching for warmth on the cold side of the bed, she wills herself to go back to sleep as soon as possible. She wills herself to continue where that dream left off.

At least in her dreams, she could see Jessica.

Say you'll see me again,

Even if it's just in your

Wildest Dreams.