Whenever I close my eyes I can see you sitting there, talking to my family members. I sit right next to you and listen carefully to what you have to say. I enjoy every second of hearing your voice. It's probably my favorite voice in 17 years of living. I could listen to his voice for hours, everyday. I also enjoy my sight, a handsome boy sitting next to me and it was a great pleasure to listen to him talking. The rest just faded. My attention was on him, only him. But you know, sometimes those moments get ruined by feelings and so that happend to me. It might sound all so peacefull when I'm in a trance like that, but it got ruined and something worse took over. The happiness I felt, the butterflies in my stomache, they all faded. I couldn't think of a reason why because why would I just kill a moment like that? But actually, there was a simple explanation. At that moment, I loved him. He loved me. But we weren't in a relationship. My eyes started to tear up, no one besides my sister knew we had broken up. I didn't want anyone else to know yet because maybe there was something left to fix, a little hope that could keep me up. No one could see me cry, so I just walked away from the table. I was standing in the hallway, wiping my tears and getting all my feelings together to just push them away. I had a great evening with him and my family, I wanted to keep it that way. 

He sounds so cold, so heartless. He doesn't care anymore, he never cared. It hurts me in way he hasn't hurt me before. I wished it would get better but it only got worse. Never has this happend before and because of this I wish that I never met him. It hurts so much and I have no words to describe it. I have no one to talk to. I blurt things out to a stranger and I feel good, but the feelings return and take me over. I don't want this, all I wanted was to be happy. All I wanted was everyone around me to be happy. I make everyone look bad, I make everyone feel bad. While I think about this over and over again, countless tears roll over my face as I feel awfull and I feel like there's absolutely no way out. He was the only one who made me feel more than my family could ever make me feel. He made me feel special, he made me believe that I was special. But was I really? 

His cold words cut through me, through my heart. He makes the wound bleed even more, he makes me suffer. He enjoys it. He likes the way he can hurt me, but I can't hurt him. I've hurt him so many times in so many ways in the past, this is how he gets his payback. Even after the worst damage has been done, he managed to let me feel so awful for a good few months. "Please fade, fade, fade to black...."  - ???