I’ll Be There

It happened as quickly as his heart beats – a flash of an image, a decision made, a tear falling and heart breaking. It’s very much like in the movies and in nightmares he never wanted to come true.

Cold wrapped around his heart, cracking with every step the other takes, away and not towards him. His fingers trembled and his lips parted – everyone is staring, shock on some of their faces, disbelief in others. His knees weakened, threatened to fold beneath him as his breath grew increasingly rapid. Shocked because he never imagined for this to happen, scared because what would he do after this? What would his reason be? Angry because how could they do this to him? How could they betray him so cruelly? What had he done to deserve such pain? He trusted them with all of his heart and soul.

He was broken, mostly, because his reason is lost.

Sehun jolted awake from his sleep, sweat-dampened hair sticking to his forehead. It’s three in the morning, the numbers blaring red on the digital clock he placed on his bedside table. There is emptiness in his chest, a lost cause and worry, fear, of something he couldn’t hold on to. His hand reached out to grab his cell phone, turning it on and squinting at the brightness of his phone screen. No messages. No missed calls. The temptation to send a message or to give a call urged at him.

He pursed his lips, squeezing his eyes shut at the weight that grew heavier on his chest. He’s on a half empty bed and loneliness stabbed at him more brutally than how a knife would. His free hand wandered at the empty space next to him, where once there would be another boy, snuggling close to him at this time of night because it gets cold. That part of the bed felt cold against his skin and his breathing labored at the pain that cracked in his heart. For every second of his wake and his sleep, he wondered if Baekhyun felt that same emptiness, that same longing he bears for the older.

His fingers curled at the bed sheet of that empty space and his heart ached for Baekhyun’s presence, Baekhyun’s warmth. He longed to wrap his arms around the older like he had so many nights before this, he craved to press his lips to Baekhyun’s thinner, softer ones and he missed the sound of Baekhyun’s light breathing when he sleeps. A sob parted his lips, no matter how hard he tried to hold it back, the phone he had clutched in his hand dropping onto the bed as he curled into a ball.

How long has it been since Baekhyun left? How many hours ago was it when Baekhyun gazed into his eyes, almost pleadingly, to let him go, despite the words that he said to comfort Sehun’s racing heartbeat? Did Baekhyun know that it hurt when he asked him to leave him alone?

‘I feel that I am being unfair to you, Sehun. I need space from us, from you.’

The words echoed in Sehun’s head, and behind his closed lids the memory of Baekhyun standing in front of him, face void of expression, appeared.

‘Don’t call me, don’t message me, don’t write to me. Don’t find me.’

Sehun sobbed, Baekhyun’s voice still crystal clear in his head. ‘Is it over?’ He had asked and Baekhyun had shaken his head but didn’t answer. He seemed determined, in fact, that he was sure of what he wanted. We just need a break, was his explanation, but in his eyes Sehun saw the true meaning behind his words. I’m just sick and tired of us.

‘I’ll come back when I’m ready, Sehun.’

What had he said back then just before Baekhyun left? What had he promised? Sehun almost forgot, but his eyes caught the framed picture of himself and Baekhyun back in the days when Baekhyun used to gaze at him with love, decorating the table by Baekhyun’s side of the bed, and he remembered. He said he would wait, because his heart only knows the love that he has for Baekhyun and so he waited. It wouldn’t matter if it would take Baekhyun days or weeks or months. Sehun would wait.

He went back to sleep that night, the same heavy weight in his chest, and dreamt that Baekhyun longed for him as much as he does for the older.

It’s almost funny how, when you’re in love, you would go to the ends of the world to search for the happiness that the other deserved. Even if it means that you would have to let go of the one thing that was keeping you up. Baekhyun wanted a break and all Sehun could do was give him what he seek. The lonely nights turned into painful weeks, and those painful weeks became unbearable months. His life goes on, although purposeless, and he keeps walking, with whatever strength he has left.

The cold wind wrapped around him as the sea breeze blew at his skin. His feet were buried under the sand, occasionally washed by the small crashes of waves that increasingly grew bigger as the night pass. His gaze stared across the horizon, unfocused and empty, and in his heart he wondered if Baekhyun was looking across the similar horizon, thinking of him. It had been almost a year since Baekhyun left him and he hadn’t heard from the older. He had no clue to how Baekhyun is doing, whether he is healthy or ill, happy or sad. He misses most of Baekhyun.

His vision blurred and they cleared when he blinked, but he didn’t bother wiping at his tear-streaked cheeks. He was alone, anyway. His lips curled into the smallest of smiles as he remembered a time when they used to take walks by the beach, hand in hand and barefoot. He remembered uttering promises into each other’s ears, squeezing each other’s hands as they kissed. He remembered Baekhyun’s smile, mostly, directed at him almost all of the time. He wondered if Baekhyun remembered how much Sehun smiles because of him. He wondered if Baekhyun remembered him.

It didn’t help that his best friend, Jongin, had left to New York for college. He needed someone to confide to, to lean on, to talk so as to keep him sane, but Jongin was so far away and soon they too, lost contact. He was disappointed but he understood why Jongin would want to leave him behind; his dreams had always been bigger than his love for Sehun and why let Sehun hold him back when his dreams are just an arm’s reach away? Sehun would never matter to anyone enough.

There is hope that he held under the weight that rests on his chest, hope that someday Baekhyun would be ready, and he would return to the confines of Sehun’s welcoming arms. He promised, and he would keep his promise to wait. If it would take Baekhyun forever to be ready, forever Sehun would keep his heart open only for Baekhyun. He was hopeful for love, believes in a second chance, and loves with all of his heart so he waited another night, another week, another month, another year.

But Baekhyun never came back.

He thought he would have grown numb by the time the third year rolled in and Baekhyun was still missing, but Sehun could still feel that stab in his chest every night as he stared longingly at the empty space next to him. He was more scared then than heartbroken. He needed the assurance that Baekhyun is well and happy, to know that Baekhyun is somewhere out there, alive and breathing. The odds are that he would soon succumb to insanity, if he doesn’t find out soon. His head was beginning to spin.

Baekhyun was kind enough to tell him that he’d left to America, although which part Sehun isn’t sure. He was fortunate, however, when he dialed Chanyeol and the latter picked up. Chanyeol and Baekhyun used to be best friends and they apparently still are when Sehun called. Chanyeol was hesitant, but he finally spilled that Baekhyun was then in New York and Sehun was too happy because he was going to find Baekhyun, despite Baekhyun’s request not to. He couldn’t wait anymore, and he just wanted Baekhyun to know just how much he missed the older.

The plane ride to New York was rather speedy and before Sehun knew it, he was stepping onto the grounds of the States. He had been there when he was younger, back when his father was still alive and constantly brought them over to visit their grandmother, so it wasn’t exactly an alien place to Sehun. His memory of the place did well in bringing him to the places he had been before, like the hotel they passed by on the way to the super mart from his grandmother’s house.

Searching, though, wasn’t as easy as finding a place to stay for the night or choosing which café would have the better pastry. He had no idea which part of New York Baekhyun lived in, didn’t have his phone number anymore and had no one he knows that would know where he could find Baekhyun. By the third week in New York, Sehun almost gave up after the fifth round of searching for that day alone and was on the way back to his hotel room, with every intention of packing up and going home, when his world came crumbling down around and onto him. He didn’t know a broken heart could break again; perhaps it was hope that kept him alive. He thought he knew pain, but he was wrong.

There was nothing in the world that could ever explain the euphoria that crashed right through him, the happiness and satisfaction and relief when his eyes landed upon the familiar sight of the boy he had longed to hold for the past three years. The grin that broke at his lips was quick to hurt his cheeks, his heart beating wildly against his chest. It felt as though a miracle had been bestowed upon him, a kind of feeling that cannot be expressed with words. He couldn’t believe his eyes in the following seconds; Baekhyun was alive and well, he’s laughing and he’s smiling and his eyes turned the same crescents Sehun loved since the start. Baekhyun was alive, and that fact alone was enough to bring Sehun close to tears. He had missed the older so much, had waited for so long and finally. Finally.

What triggered the tears that soon blurred his vision was not seeing Baekhyun there, not very far from him, but at what happened in the few seconds that followed. Sehun had almost called out for Baekhyun when another, familiar guy stepped out of the store Baekhyun was standing in front of. Brown haired and dark skinned and lean and the closest friend Sehun had since he learnt how to walk. And that very same man had smiled so adoringly at Baekhyun, had taken that step forward and placed his lips onto Baekhyun’s thinner ones as an arm circled Baekhyun’s waist as if it belonged.

Sehun’s heart stopped; the crack more painful now than when Baekhyun had left. His lips parted in a gasp, shock and betrayal and hate and sorrow running through his head. His mind refused to register what he was seeing right in front of him, a sight of the two people he loved most moving on with each other as if he never existed. His breathing grew rapid as his hands balled into fists at his sides and he willed for his tears to please don’t fall, please don’t fall, please don’t fall.

He couldn’t control them, though, and when Jongin looked up and caught his eyes with Baekhyun doing the same, Sehun averted his gaze so they fell onto the ground beneath him. He couldn’t look at them; not when they’re wrapped around each other, happy and laughing and smiling when he was clearly miserable back at home and worrying about them. Not when they look like how he and Baekhyun had way back during the time of which Baekhyun still loved him. Baekhyun no longer loved him, and Sehun realized a little too late that it was what had changed.

Sehun gritted his teeth from the cold of the November air, the cold that wrapped his heart, the cold that surrounds him. It felt as though the world had gone against him and he had never been more alone. It hurt everywhere and he couldn’t, refused, to believe what he was seeing, but his mind had always known better. He clamped his lips together to keep them from quivering, willing himself to keep his eyes on the ground as he felt them approaching. He was rooted to the ground; even if he had the energy to run, he wouldn’t be able to anyway.

Why are you being such a ing weakling? He wondered just as you may have, and he couldn’t find a reason why, wouldn’t know what to say. He believed that no one else would ever understand the wave of emotions that was crashing within his chest, and for that very brief moment, he hated both Jongin and Baekhyun. How could they? How could they leave him behind without the courtesy of at least telling him that they didn’t want him in their lives anymore? It would’ve been less painful, he thought, if they had said it earlier. Perhaps he would have gotten over it by then.

A hand reached out to squeeze his shoulder, and he recognized those fingers as his eyes closed, he recognized those fingers that had squeezed his shoulder for each time that he had ranted over how frustrated Baekhyun could make him, yet at the same time he would tell to the owner of those fingers of how much he was, still is, in love with Baekhyun. If there was only one person who would know how Sehun would do anything for Baekhyun, it was Jongin. Yet the very same boy he had called at two in the morning, the boy who snuck him out of the house way past his curfew, the boy who he had his first drink with and the boy who knew, understood about his feelings was now standing before him with the boy he had waited for so long, a traitor, an enemy. Sehun’s heart ached.

A choked sob leaves Sehun’s lips and he shrugged off the hand that stayed on his shoulder. He fingers were trembling and he hid them inside the pockets of his parka, teeth chattering and oxygen blocked; he couldn’t breathe. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and slightly cracked, “Don’t,”

“Sehun, I’m – I’m sorry.” Jongin’s own voice sounded guilty and Sehun almost, almost, forgive him because he always did. But Jongin isn’t sorry – he isn’t sorry that he gets to hold Baekhyun now, he isn’t sorry that now Baekhyun gazes up at him the way he had at Sehun a long time ago. Sehun shook his head, gasping for the breath that he had lost. He kept his eyes shut because he couldn’t look at them just yet. The pain was too real, almost physical, and he wants to curl into a ball and disappear.

He stepped back like an instinct as soon as he opened his eyes and felt Baekhyun reaching out as well. He didn’t need their pity, their sorry – he needed them out of his life. When he finally found the courage and the will to look up, Sehun’s eyes first locked with Jongin’s. There was guilt in those brown orbs, but there was no apology. Jongin isn’t sorry. “You’re not sorry, Nini.” Sehun said, emphasizing the nickname they had for Jongin back when they were inseparable.

Jongin had looked like he wanted to say more, but Sehun was quick to interrupt, averting his gaze and meeting Baekhyun’s. He couldn’t help the tremble that quivered at his lips as he attempted a smile, for he had missed looking into those eyes and he had missed kissing those lips. Sehun wiped hastily at his cheeks, sniffling before a humorless chuckle left his lips. He took another minute just studying, memorizing, Baekhyun’s features. The rush of memories that ran through his head caused another choked sob but he managed to hold back any more that threatened to escape.

“All I ever did was love you,” he began, looking straight into Baekhyun’s chocolate irises. “I loved you so much; I was willing to give my life away for you. But you made me wait and I was going to wait forever if I had to.” He sobbed, unable to hold it in. “Because I love you that much, Baekhyun. I loved you more than my own life but you left without any explanation, without any reason. I must have meant so little to not deserve at least the truth.”

It was Baekhyun’s turn to avoid his eyes now, looking at everything else except Sehun. It took another minute for Sehun to calm down a little, breathing slightly steadier. “I guess it must have been my fault. I must have ed up somewhere. I must have not been good enough.” At that, Sehun’s eyes caught Jongin and this time, his best friend actually looked apologetic. “I’m sorry because I couldn’t do better. I’m sorry that I wasn’t good enough, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happier. But mostly, Baekhyun, I’m sorry I ever let myself believe that you ever loved me, that I had meant more to you than I actually did.”

Maybe his tears have dried, but he was no longer shedding any as he flashed them a final smile, broken and pointless, and left the two behind.

The plane ride back to Seoul was longer than when he had journeyed to the States. He couldn’t sleep and his face felt swollen from the night spent in unwanted and stubborn tears. He felt stupid, most of all, and he blamed himself for hoping.

The house he used to live with Baekhyun in looked and felt emptier now that he was sure there was no way Baekhyun would return. He had sat against the door for hours upon reaching home, staring at the darkened room and blaming himself over and over again for being so stupid.  He wondered how long it has been for the two of them, curious as to when they had fallen in love. He knew, however, that it was something he doesn’t want to know. It would hurt more to think and he knew he should stop, should let go but it was always easier said than done. He couldn’t let go just yet.

That night as he tucked himself to bed, Sehun lay on his side and stared at the framed picture of Baekhyun and himself that had sat on the bedside table for as long as he could remember.  There’s a hole where his heart should be and instead of falling asleep, Sehun wondered what had gone wrong. He wondered if he could have done something to make Baekhyun stay, but he had done everything he could because Baekhyun meant more than his life ever would. He thinks he doesn’t deserve such cruelty and he began to wonder if he had been a horrible friend to Jongin as well.

Perhaps he had been – perhaps Jongin had wanted him to listen to Jongin talk; maybe he might have told Sehun about his feelings for Baekhyun. Sehun willed for the tears not to fall as the same weight re his chest. He wished for a lot of things just before he went to sleep, and one of them was for the two important people to him to be happy, even if he could never be again.

A/N: I did say I wasn't going to write angst for the rest of this year, didn't I? But I had to. Just to clear my half-done oneshots that is worth a finish. I have a fluff oneshot that I need to do (not to mention milknoreos secret santa and sebaek fic exchange) and also taekook/sebaek that one unnie had been waiting for. (After which I might go on a hiatus bc I can feel ideas fleeing my head). WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOYED. Comments? ^^