Thou should be embraced by freedom. No human allowed to live with fear, no human allowed to live with restraint

 

A day ruin what I have done for months to cut the distance between the universes. What I have done become useless in a day, seconds to be exact. Nobody think how much time, how much effort that I spent wholeheartedly to build a bridge, a strong and sturdy bridge, only to connect a small galaxy to a bigger, stranger galaxy where stars that can lead your way may not exist in uncertainty. I feel wronged. It's a bunch of irony, tragedy that ended unhappily.

 

It's ironic because I shall taste the bitter candy for umpteenth times, even all fingers on hands and feet are counted together, it can't count how many bitter candy that I've swallowed. It's even more ironic to realize that people is egoist, who want to take care of their mess? Unless you're big-hearted, you will fix it, how if you're not? only God knows when.

 

Karma does exist, I do believe, I do wait for it.

 

Sigh. What am I thinking right now? My head is full of words. Sarcastic, sadist, wild, and desperate thoughts are running in circle on my head. I feel so extremely tired. I feel how many food I eat, it only goes to void, a big and hungry black hole. I don't feel full at all. No matter how much time I spend for sleep, I still feel sleepy. I think I should have a hiberanation like a bear in the winter.

 

I feel so abnormal and unhealthy.

 

"Mom! Let's go to the bookshop please?"

 

I see my Mom is walking in front of me with my little sister's hand is embraced by her hand. Her voice pulls my conciousness back. "Sure, let's go!" I follow two of them carelessly. I walk like a zombie and I don't feel like I lift my legs at all. Am I walking sluggishly? I don't know. Maybe it's only my feeling.…

 

My mouth shuts tightly and I walk behind them with headache and an unseen weights on both of my shoulder. My head is going dizzier, oh did I just bumped on a wall? But I never felt that I do. "Mom, can I go to the café alone? Call my phone if you will go somewhere so I can join you again," said myself to her. "No problem. Turn your phone on, okay?"

 

"Okay."

 

I feel I should be alone, left in peace by myself.

 

So, I arrive at the café and order a cup of iced black coffee, which is extremely bitter for my tounge. I bring my cup to an empty table in the corner which is close to the windows. I enjoy my loneliness like usually. With mouth shutted tight and my nose focus to the smell of black coffee, I feel so comfortable. It smells good. Oh and, the faint sound of jazz music that is played in the café sounds nice too.

 

I see people are walking and passing the café. Alone, couple, family, girls, boys, women, men, bussiness man, secretary, grandma, and a lot. I see many people, but there's nobody looking like the owner of that universe. Nobody looks like him. I wonder where's him? Is he still on the earth? Is he already leaving the earth and finding his lost family? I prefer to know that he's already leaving this reality to eternity.

 

That's freedom.

 

One who mourns a past should never let its' feeling to be out of control. Nobody disallow to remind the past, let the memory build the mind becomes more careful and teacher for future.

 

I believe that I am not normal. My heart always moving, it doesn't stay too long in one place. It's always searching for its' home. My senses are too strong, I can know what people think about me even I never hear it directly. I'm afraid that I will reach my limit when I wish to reach the infinity. I want to be a diamond between the mud. I want to be the light that shine the dark.

 

I want to be something, something that he should search with all of his might.

 

"Don't follow me," he said on the day when sun shone so intense to me who walked behind him. "I'm not following you!" said myself in denial. He used to let me walk behind and even, beside him even I should walk so fastly to catch his big steps. I didn't know why, but I just knew that it was usual to a man to walk faster than a woman. He rarely slow down.

 

I walked behind him until at the end, we seperated our ways. He went to his friend and so did I. It felt like we were two magnets with the same sign, no matter how close we were, two magnets with the same sign would shove away the other magnet. I used to hate physics, but the futher I step day by day, those weird theories about nature could be used to describe the saturated days between we two. If only I had a chance, I wanted to flip over a magnet so I could get two different signs of magnet that no matter how far they were seperated, they would find each way to be glued to each other, like the old days.

 

"Good morning, Fan-fan!"

 

"Good morning!"

 

I miss those days. I miss when everything seems so simple.

 

"Have you done your homework, Fan-fan?"

 

"Not yet… hey, may I see yours?" and I even I said that mine wasn't as perfect as the others, he still insisted to see mine. Well, I gladly showed mine even I knew that he would ask me over and over because of my ugly handwriting that needed years to recognize those 26 letters clearly if someone wasn't usual with that ugly handwriting.

 

"What is this?"

 

"What is this?"

 

Even he asked a lot, I would gladly answer him. Really. It meant that he was really serious with what he was doing that time and futhermore, it meant that he talked with me. His voice was something I always loved if I couldn't see his face. Sometimes it echoed clearly inside my head, the cranium and brain to be exact. Tee-hee.

 

I missed the days where nobody really saw us together and you never felt disturbed with my affection, you never felt uncomfortable with myself and you always so cheerful that I always could be really happy even I only heard your gibberish talking. I missed the days when I was still unknown to your friends and I was still in their blind spots and we were never unseen to the world except you were you and I was I by myself.

 

But past is past and future is past.

 

They were seperated too far. Too far to return, impossible to rewind the time.

 

Hey, Yifan, did you wish the same like me too?

 

Did you wish to turn the time back?

 

Memory is just as fragile as butterfly, it can be destroyed easily but when one kept it carefully, it can be the most beautiful thing ever.

 

I wrote too much memory in a short time with him, with Yifan. Each of them were too precious to be forgotten and I always cherished them a lot. Day by day, I found myself with him in a really close distance. Too good to be called friend, too fast to be called as couple. Uncertainty was something that could describe us, but I did never ever think about 'status'. It didn't ever as important as it seemed.

 

What was important, was all about chemistry. Yifan and I made a good chemistry as friend. We were weirdos that loved to talk about life even it seemed so high for us. Why it seemed so high? If you saw our scores, we rarely got high scores. Even we had the same mindset: 'you are already safe if zero isn't written in your paper!". For the God's sake, we were just looked so damn stupid. But it never too late to try, we tried to be better and better for the upcoming days.

 

"I should stop being a weirdo," said Yifan to me one day. He stood just like some millimetres seperated to me. Our heads were so close and my ears were so close to his mouth. I admitted that he was tall and so did I. "Why you should stop being a weirdo?" asked me in shock. "In the weirdness, you can see yourself. Your true nature! It's like finding a pearl in the mud!" See. If you saw us, you might think that we were talking something more important or even, romantic? Perhaps so, but in the reality, we never talked something so serious in that position.

 

"Am I talking too loud?"

 

"Not really,"

 

"How about this? Still too loud?" asked him again in a lower, really small voice. He always asked me like this when he wanted to ask something (un)important. (It could be unimportant for him, it was important for me, and unimportant for others, got it? We were weirdos and our talking's topic was never important or worth listening for others, remind it.)

 

I laugh when I remind this. Yifan was so hilarious back then. His true nature was really covered by his cool persona. It was so fake that I often made fun of it. "You're acting like you're cool, boo!"

 

"Don't act so cool!"

 

"Don't act like you're the most handsome man in the galaxy,"

 

Because I knew that he wasn't as different as me.

 

He was just so ing weird like he was an alien from a different galaxy. Should I emphasised it? He was so ing weird and everything that he showed to people, could or couldn't be him. Rectroverso, he had two side of himself like a coin. They were different and so were I. We were stuck for having two sides of ourselves, unable to show our the realest side and showed the fake one when we wanted to show our real self.

 

On the other day, I and Yifan could have fun together even it were only two of us. I remembered that day, it was quite early in the morning and we came to the school even we knew that there wouldn't be any classes too. Sigh, I wasted too much time that day. It was weekend too. I would be able to wake up later if I didn't come to school. But, I didn't regret at all. I didn't regret because I came in the weekend.

 

I spent the most happiest two hours on the earth with him. I talked with him, shared our favorite musics, and got caught. Got caught for what?

 

He asked me why I kept following him that day, but I didn't aware that I suddenly talked about my real feeling to him. It was the first and the last time that I talked something romantic to him. "Why you kept following me today?" asked him curiously. "I have no friend to be my companion today," I answer with lower voice, well it wasn't really a lie. My classmates were busy with themselves and so were my friend in the other class. "So, that's your reason then?"

 

"Yeah. Moreover, If there's no you, it wouldn't be fun,"

 

"Without me, it wouldn't be no fun, Vanessa?" he repeated my answer with a smile. "FORGET IT! FORGET IT!" but he only smiled and it really made my heart skipped a beat. "It's okay," he said calmly. I didn't sure what he meant, but maybe, he loved that answer too. His expression was honest even he showed his fake side. I could expect that he really meant it.

 

I felt happy that he didn't hate that answer and called my name, not my nickname, but at the same time, I wondered whether about his feeling to me. I still wonder.

 

Before that, around three months ago, it was the beginning when all of these thing happen. I just skipped the phase where I mourned over my crush who never noticed me. I took time longer than I thought to heal my heart completely. Guess who came to make Vanessa, myself, forgot about the past, like he was sent by The One for me to forget all of those and made me happy?

 

It was Yifan. Wu Yifan.

 

That was afternoon in the middle of the year, it was hot and cloudy, but rain didn't fall at all. I was still new to the class that I stayed too. I was seeing the outside of my school from the window in the corridor by myself. It was noisy, but I didn't really care at all.

 

It was just like some minutes after I standing in front of the window, someone came to my side. I remembered I didn't see his face, but I was sure that he was so close, only like some millimetres seperated to me. I only remembered that I saw his black wristwatch and I smelt something from him, which I still can't answer what and where's the source until now.

 

"It seems like it will be raining soon," he said.

 

For a boy, he was kind of brave to crack the ice, especially with a girl. Moreover, we were both new moved students which it could be emphasised that we were new to each other too. "Really? I didn't think so," said I. I still remembered the names of my classmates, too. We were really new. "It will rain, I predict at 11 a.m, it will be raining," he said as he saw his wristwatch. I only could giggle, he was so childish to insist the impossible. "No way!"

 

And at 11 a.m like he said, it didn't rain at all. However, the cloud was going away and it was getting hotter.

 

Since that day, I started to see him. I started to see Wu Yifan carefully and had my heart beat faster whenever I saw him.

 

Illusion is a representation of uncertainty.

 

And here I am, mourning over the short memories that was created between I and Yifan. We were too good to be called friend, too far to be called couple and this thing still disturbed me. I wonder what if I express my feeling back then? Will he accept mine? Will he reject mine? I wonder.

 

My eyes are fixed to a shoe shop which is located right in front of side of this café. I remembered that he was caught by some of my friends here even I only heard the story. They said that they saw him here with his mother alone while shopping, but they didn't greet him at all so Yifan didn't notice the presence of them at all. They also had the a photo as the proof, too. Well, the boys in my class are overly annoying sometimes, even they are funny.

 

I wonder how he looked like with his mother that time... and…

 

I'm wondering about you.

 

I'm wondering about you, Yifan. I'm wondering too much until I'm afraid I may hallucinate about you because you always keep my hope high without certainty.

 

I'm afraid I'm wrong.

 

I'm afraid if it's wrong to liking you.

 

I'm afraid.

 

 

e n d

 

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hello everyone! ^^ if you reach this note, it means that you just finished this story. well, i think it's really oc-centric, but i hope you're okay with it >.<

anyway, thanks for reading and please share your thoughts about this story, tee-hee~^^ once again, thank you. *bow*

 

tenebriae-