Every person has a need that they have to have more than anything else. Some needs money, love, affection, attention, a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a best friend, or even just a glance more than anything else. It’s what makes them happy. But not everyone can get what they want and what they need. Sometimes, they get something or someone better, or sometimes worse.

Jaebeom experienced having something he thought was better, which turned out to be worse. An additional five people was added to his group to form what fans call GOT7. Two years back, it was just him and Park Jinyoung. It was just him and his best friend. It was just him to whom Jinyoung gave his affection and attention. It was just him who Jinyoung turns to when he needs or wants something. He was the only hyung Jinyoung have.

However, his happy days were over. He has to handle another five kids as the leader. He doesn’t really need to worry about the oldest, their Mark-hyung, because Jinyoung takes care of him, and if Jaebeom may add – he cares for him better than anyone else.

Jinyoung, as Jaebeom would like to describe him, is a woman who was probably born in a man’s body. He has the warmth of a mother. He likes to take care of everybody around him, but sometimes, he found himself taking care of an individual more than the others. It was biased, everyone knows, but they also know that all things are not balanced. There will always be someone who he will love and care more than anyone else. Two years back, it was only Jaebeom. He takes good care of him when the camera is rolling, and better when it isn’t, since Jaebeom doesn’t really want a skinship between him and the younger. Since they were a duo, Jaebeom thinks it will be very awkward for them. But after some time, he got used to it.

Jaebeom got used to Jinyoung taking care of him and giving all of his affections to him, so he has to adjust himself to the changes the other five members will bring to him. Him and Jinyoung were introduced to Yi-en Tuan, Wang Ka Yee, Choi Youngjae, Kunpimook Bhuwakul, and Kim Yugyeom.

“Jr, JB, meet Yi-en, Ka Yee, Youngjae, Kunpimook, and Yugyeom. I hope you take care of each other well,” their producer introduced. They were left in a room after the meeting. It was akward at first, but things got warmer when Jinyoung spoke and introduced himself to everyone. Everyone likes him already, and someone likes him a little too much. It hasn’t been an hour since they were all introduced to each other, but Jaebeom saw how Yi-en and Jinyoung are all over each other already. They were talking to each other more than Jinyoung talks with the other members – more than he talks with Jaebeom.

They were talking about sensible nonsense things until Jaebeom cleared his throat to talk about more important things like their room assignments in the dormitory. Jinyoung raised his hands first to volunteer. Jaebeom does not know why his hands felt cold and sweaty at the same time. He does not know why his heart is beating fast when it’s just room assignments. It’s not as if Jinyoung will choose who will kill.

“I want to be alone,” Jinyoung said. Jaebeom heaves an inaudible deep sigh of relief.

‘At least he does not want to room with Yi-en hyung,’ Jaebeom said to himself. Jaebeom doesn’t understand why he felt so threatened with Mark. He does not understand why he feels like he wants Jinyoung all to himself.

Jaebeom nodded and asked the oldest first on who he wants to room with. Mark answered that he wants to room with Jackson, explaining that if they room with each other, it will be easier for them to communicate because they are both 100% Chinese. Jaebeom agreed with it. He was left to choose from the three maknaes – Youngjae, Bambam, Yugyeom. They were told to call Kunpimook Bambam instead of his real name.

Jaebeom has only one bed in his room. He has too choose someone he knows he can be comfortable with. So he chose Youngjae. He is also the latest member and the one with the shortest training time, so he finds it uncomfortable with the other members. As the leader, Jaebeom doesn’t want Youngjae to feel left out so he offered to room with him, which the other accepted enthusiastically. Yugyeom and Bambam were left with a room of their own.

It was hard for Jaebeom to adjust. Just a week ago, there were only him and Jinyoung in the dormitory, but now, there are the other five members. It was noisier than ever, but it was happier.

That’s what Jaebeom thought, until his heart starts to thump hardly and fast whenever Jinyoung is near. He feels the need to smile at every action the other does. He feels his heart aching a little whenever Jinyoung does skinships with Mark, Jackson, or basically, with everyone. He catches himself staring at the younger a little longer.

It was a normal day of practice when he was caught staring by one of s – Youngjae, his roommate. They were having their break when Youngjae sat beside him. Jaebeom was staring in the mirror, but Youngjae knew he was just using the mirror to look at the person parallel him.

“Hyung, don’t stare too much. Jinyoung hyung might melt,” Youngjae said, chuckling. Jaebeom broke away his gaze from the mirror and from Jinyoung. He smiled a little. For the months Jaebeom and Youngjae were sleeping together (innocently, of course), the younger knows the way Jaebeom smiles when he’s really happy or when he’s faking it. And right now, Youngjae knows Jaebeom is a little sad.

Youngjae looked over at Jinyoung’s spot. Over there were him and Mark playing together. They were so close, not even Jaebeom can get between them. They have kissed on the cheeks for many times. Not once did Jinyoung kissed Jaebeom.

Yes, Jaebeom knows. Jaebeom already know what he feels. He feels jealous of Jinyoung and Mark being all over each other. The way their eyes linger with each other. The way they gaze at each other. The way they smile at each other.

Jaebeom feels like there’s something more between the first and the fourth oldest. It might have been his mistake to be so caring about having the manly image that he forgets the way he feels whenever he has JInyoung by his side. He regrets the words he used on people that tease them together. He feels sorry for himself because he once had the best person in his life, but now he’s gone from his hands because he doesn’t care for him enough. He pushed him away when it was still too early. And now, a few years ahead, he regrets not being able to take care of Jinyoung back.

His eyes saddened. Youngjae does not know what to do about Jaebeom’s sadness, because he knows that whatever he does, only Jinyoung will make Jaebeom happy. However, Jinyoung is the source of happiness of another person, which is Mark. And Mark is the source of happiness of Jinyoung. It was mutual, and Jaebeom is the third wheel.

For the years Jinyoung took care of him back then, he thought they were loving each other enough. But Jaebeom was wrong. His actions were not enough for Jinyoung. And he thought Jinyoung loves him the most. But once again, he was wrong. He thought Jinyoung can love him the same way he loves the younger. But all his thoughts were wrong. Everything he has is not enough. And there’s Mark who can fill the younger’s wishes and desires. And there are a lot of common things between them. And Jaebeom knows the space between Mark and Jinyoung cannot be filled in. He cannot be in that space. He doesn’t want to be in that space. So he decided to turn his heart around and find someone else, but maybe not just now.

“Hey, how did you know?” Jaebeom asked Youngjae.

“That you’re staring at Jinyoung hyung? It’s easy, even Bambam and Yugyeom notices,” Youngjae answered after sipping from his bottle of water.

“No, that I like him,” he asked again. Youngjae smiled.

“It’s easier hyung! Especially because you’re rooming with me. You always say Jinyoung hyung’s name when you’re sleeping. It hurts also when you cuddle with me and you say his name,” Youngjae said and pouted. Jaebeom chuckled.

“That doesn’t suit you Youngjae. And I don’t cuddle,” Jaebeom replied as he got serious on the last line. He was embarrassed if it’s true.

“Of course you do, hyung,” Youngjae said and stood up. Jaebeom followed and called the other members to practice. He saw how Mark and Jinyoung’s hands separate before they go to their respective spots. He was silent for a while, head bowing down, and waiting for the music to start. When the song cued, he stared at the mirror with a smile on his face.

It must have been a long time before he realize his feelings for the younger that another person grabbed his spot. But Jaebeom knows better. He cannot be with a person who loves someone else. He cannot wreck a beautiful blooming relationship. He cannot force a person to love him and be happy with him when he really doesn’t.

So as he glanced at Jinyoung’s direction one last time, he said to himself that it’s time.      

Jaebeom knows he has to let go.

He has to let go.