It's only short, okay, and I know the summary screamed 'angst', but it's really not

I try to be cute, but I'm not 

I wrote this a while ago omg, so embarassing.

Jongdae has always been there for Minseok. So, he ponders upon why Minseok still chose Luhan over the person he’d grown up with- chosen Luhan of all people over the person who’s loved him since grade 5. Was it because Luhan was older? Had an androgynous face? Had an astounding number of fan club members compared to Jongdae’s own?

Still, he should’ve been the one who’s allowed to hold Minseok at night. He should have been the one to kiss those adorable cheeks and lips goodnight. He should’ve been the one. But he isn’t- and even though Jongdae is always smiling, in the confines of his room, he cries; heart-wrenching sobs and a fist in his mouth to stop the noises from escaping.

Minseok wonders why his best friend seemed so distant lately. He wonders why Jongdae’s lips slightly slope downwards when he kisses Luhan and while all the other members are cheering and cringing in fake disgust, Jongdae just looks mildly disturbed. Maybe, the friend he grew up with is homophobic? Maybe he doesn’t want to be friends with a man that likes other men, anymore? Minseok frowns. He just wants his best friend back.

The one who’d gladly stay back for detention with him, just for the hell of it. The one who’d happily pass him the notes from class that day, when Minseok had gotten tired of the teacher’s voice and drifted off. The one who’d visit him through his window, every night he had the chance to.

Though, as he stands outside of his former best friend’s door he can’t stop the tears from falling. Because he can hear the sobs; can feel them as they pulse through his ears, and right into his heart. He goes to sleep feeling guilty and just shrugs off Luhan’s worried gaze. He doesn’t need Luhan right now.

He wonders when he’d ever decided he did need Luhan.

When Jongdae loves, he loves with his whole heart; when he cries, he cries with all that he has. When he laughs, his laughter lasts forever. When he forgives, he can always forget. He laughs to himself one night, while lying in bed. He wonders why Minseok can cause all these reactions out of him. Wonders why he keeps loving someone, who unknowingly hurts him indirectly. He wonders about a lot of things.

Lately, he’s been having this one repetitive dream, about the two of them- no Luhan, no members, and no crazed fan girls; just them.

“Jongdae, why are you staring at me like that?” Minseok questions cheekily, smiling that gummy smile that makes Jongdae fall harder and harder. They’re sitting on a lounge, Minseok leaning a little too close to be considered ‘just a friend’.

Jongdae stutters (goddamnit he always stutters around Minseok in this dream) and just blushes furiously. Minseok leans closer to give him a peck on the cheek and Jongdae feels himself heat up even further. He pushes the older man away, because no matter how strong his love is, he would never do this to Luhan, one of his band members-- one of his friends.

Minseok’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Dae, what’s wrong?”

Jongdae thinks this is all messed up. He can’t be having these dreams. He can’t keep coming back to imaginary-Minseok, because it’ll just ruin him even further in the long run. He stands up from the couch and runs his hand through his hair in frustration. Tears pour out of the corners of his eyes because he can’t seem to stop thinking about his best friend this way. It’s wrong and Jongdae just wants to shake imaginary-Minseok by the shoulders and remind him about Luhan; perfect, doe-eyed, magnificent, real Luhan. He has to, because he can’t keep falling like this, not when there’s no one there to catch him.

Imaginary-Minseok tries to pat his back, but he pushes away the caresses, because he can’t keep doing this- whatever this is.

“I can’t keep coming back to you, Minnie. You’re not real.”

But, as he looks at the tears gathering in imaginary-Minseok’s eyes, he knows. He’ll be back tomorrow night, and the night after and even the night after that. He can’t escape his dreams, no matter how much he wants to. He also can’t keep hoping them to be real, no matter how much he wants that, too.

“What’s wrong, Xiumin-ah?”

Minseok doesn’t even turn to face Luhan. He can’t help but feel that everything is wrong. His name is not ‘Xiumin’, it’s ‘Minseok’. Jongdae would know that. He knows that Minseok doesn’t like his stage name very much. He knows that Minseok doesn’t like the colour yellow because it strains his eyes too much. He knows that Minseok dislikes eating too many sesame seeds in his dishes because they get stuck in between his teeth. He knows Minseok, more than Minseok knows himself.

Jongdae knows that his favourite superhero is not Superman, but Iron Man because Minseok admires his strength and humanity. He knows Minseok’s birthday by heart. He knows Minseok doesn’t like action movies that much, but he’s more into romance. He knows that Minseok used to be the smartest person at his school. He knows Minseok favours pizza over pasta, because he finds that pasta is too messy to eat.

Minseok wonders if Luhan knows all these things by heart. He decides to test out his theory. Swallowing once, he asks, “Luhan?”

He gets a, “Hmm?” in reply and goes with it. This will determine everything. Their relationship rests on the line. And Minseok knows he’s selfish, but he sort of hopes Luhan knows the answer because he’d had to have said it a million times before.

“What’s my least favourite colour?”

Luhan answers without thought, “It’s red, isn’t it? Something about your weakness about seeing blood?”

Minseok sighs. Luhan had gotten that much of a simple answer wrong. He feels tears gather in his closed eyes because he doesn’t even care that Luhan had gotten the colour wrong; it’s that he must have forgotten that Minseok had always dreamed about being a surgeon.  And last time he checked, he didn’t have a weakness with blood- that was Luhan himself.

Jongdae wakes up in the dead of the night, with sweat-slicked sheets and a fever that’s burning his forehead. He hears a knock at the door and quickly wipes his tears away with the back of his hand.

He opens the door and is greeted by the sight of a dishevelled, crying Minseok. His protective senses go into overdrive, as he questions, “Minnie, what’s wrong?”

The next thing he knows, he’s got his arms full of a crying best friend and there’s warm, droplets soaking through his shirt. He guides the crying boy to his bed and sits him down, but Minseok refuses to let him go, so he awkwardly sits down as well. He hushes the sobs and rubs circles onto Minseok’s back in a comforting manner. Jongdae presses a kiss to Minseok’s hair and can smell the boy’s coconut conditioner.

Once Minseok’s cries have bubbled down to hiccups, he asks one question and one question only. Jongdae answers without thought.

“Jong, what’s my least favourite colour?”

“It’s yellow, Minnie; it hurts your eyes. Your favourite colour is red though, because it personifies passion and love.”

Minseok starts crying harder into his shirt and Jongdae just furrows his eyebrows and increases his small murmurs of encouragement. He helps Minseok breathe through his tears and finally, the boy falls asleep in his arms. Jongdae sighs and pushes him gently into bed and covers him with the sheets.

Minseok wakes to the smell of sandalwood and a pillow that is suspiciously too fluffy to be his. He turns and touches his swollen eyes, muttering about stupidity as he looks at the floor in surprise. Jongdae is on the floor. Minseok gapes at the scene as he watches the other male stretch out and covers his mouth with his hand as he takes a yawn. Minseok internally coos at the cuteness.

He takes a leap and jumps from the bed onto Jongdae’s torso. He leans down and kisses both of Jongdae’s cheeks and travels down his jaw and back up again. Jongdae tastes sweet. Minseok watches as his eyes snap open and he’s pushed to the side.

“Minseok, what are you doing?”

Minseok just laughs at Jongdae’s incredulous face and twists and turns beside the younger boy. When his fits of giggles have died down, his answer makes Jongdae’s jaw drop even more.

“I’m kissing you, silly. Because I love you, Dae.”

Jongdae stares at him for half a minute, until his face sets into anger. He stands up in a huff and drags Minseok with him to the door. He pushes the older outside the doorway and starts fuming. Minseok just sits there confused.

“How dare you. How dare you say that to me, Kim Minseok, you have a boyfriend and I bet you set this up together, didn’t you? Just to get back at Jongdae and his feelings for his best friend, huh? You know what, I loved you. But you’re just as bad as all the others. ”

Jongdae tries to shut the door in his face, but Minseok is faster. He pushes the boy back into the room and closes the door behind them. He decides to play with him. Putting his angry face on, he yells, “Yeah, well Kim Jongdae for your information, I am currently single at the moment and no, I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you, so be my boyfriend so I don’t get hit on at clubs anymore.”

Jongdae has that stupid look on again, and he sputters, “But, what about Luhan?”

“I broke up with him last night. He was never the right one for me. I hope he doesn’t think I didn’t see his eyes on Sehun’s . He’s in love with his best friend, too; he just doesn’t know it yet. But I know now, that I’ve been in love with mine for a while. Give or take 5 years.”

It takes a while for Jongdae to actually believe him though, after dozens of, ‘are you sure’s and ‘you really love me, huh’s. Minseok promptly shuts off his rambling with a kiss to the lips. And another. And another. And, maybe another, just for the hell of it because Jongdae soon learns that Minseok’s kisses are addicting.

Jongdae learns a few more things about Minseok that day. Minseok’s neck is very sensitive. Minseok loves back hugs. Minseok loves Jongdae’s kisses, and no matter how much he denies it, he sorta, kinda loves Jongdae as well. 

I tried

I offer you Pringles if I have completely wasted your time???