It has been so long. So many months since I held you in my arms...so long since you were close enough for me to smell the scent of your shampoo. Still, though so many painful days have passed, my memories of you are vivid. 

I still get up every morning, shower, get dressed and sit in the living room, staring out of the window with the hope that I might see you walking down the garden path. It's just a routine now. I have been waiting for you to come back to me...

I heave a heavy sigh. Winter is here again. The weather is getting colder, right into the minus numbers. I wonder if you're okay, if you have somewhere warm to sleep, if you're missing me as much as I'm missing you...if you're even still alive. After all, a wolf needs more than just its fur.

This winter is far colder than any that have passed before in my lifetime. I wonder if you have seen deeper snow in your lifetime, after all, you have a much longer life span...

You always neglected to tell me exactly how old you are. Even after the numerous occasions that I bothered you about it. Was that rude? I'm sorry if I offended you or made you upset by asking so persistantly. I was only curious, I never thought back then that it might have made you feel uncomfortable. You only told me that you could live one hundred lifetimes, you never told me exactly how many lifetimes you have lived. But...that hardly matters now anyway. I don't care how many lifetimes you have lived, I don't need to know how many years you have graced this Earth with your presence...all I want, all I need is for you to come back to me.

As the first snow of the season falls to the ground, my mind drifts back to the time when we first met... 

I walk down the path, towards my college as snow falls gently from the sky. Winter is here and it is snowing, just like it does every year. I pause briefly outside of the glass doors of the music block and cast my gaze upward. The deep blue walls of the building stretch into the sky, a heavy veil of white obscuring my view of the top. I blow into the air, watching as my breath turns to smoke and fades away as quickly as it appeared. A smile forms on my face and I adjust the cream coloured scarf that hangs around my neck before pushing open the door and walking inside, a blast of warm air hitting me suddenly. The door closes itself behind me with a gentle thud.

My smile fades rapidly as I hear the loud voices coming from down the corridor. A light frown makes its way to my forehead  and I cast my eyes down at the floor as my social anxiety takes over again. I hate that I am like this. I can't talk to others properly, I can't make any friends, I can't even look people in the eye. I am seriously surprised that I even passed the interview for this college. I am thankful that they saw my only talent as something worth me persuing. The only time I can be confident is when I am strumming a tune on my acoustic guitar, or singing in front of a crowd. A small crowd of peers is much more intimidating for me than a large group of complete strangers.

I walk forward at a slightly hurried pace, hoping to pass the other students without being noticed. I apparently made myself too unnoticable because I bump into a hard chest and the next thing I know, I am on the ground looking up at the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Never, never in my entire life have I ever seen anyone so utterly entrancing, a person so unbelievably etherial, like an angel decended from heaven. 

"You should look where you are going." He states, his voice monotonal, but none the less beautiful.

"S-sorry, I-I-I'll d-do t-that n-n-next t-time" I stutter uncontrolably.

"...I apologise. It was my fault too...I even knocked you over." He apologises in a much softer tone (one that I wouldn't mind getting used to) and offers me his hand.

"T-thank you." I reply after he pulls me to my feet.

His hand lingers in mine for a moment, his eyes meeting mine with an inexplicable look and I feel a connection spark between us. However, the moment is fleeting, like a wave that washes upon the shore and then quickly retreats back to the ocean. His hand moves away from mine to rest at his side and his gaze moves off to the side. 

I went through my day happily after our encounter, short though it may have been. You were so reserved back then, so mysterious and it only served to spark my curiosity. Before too long I started to pursue your attention, without even noticing it myself. Strange how you had that kind of affect on me, how you managed to move my heart with a single glance even when I had built up my walls so efficiently. 

I was such a recluse before we unexpectedly bumped into each other's lives. I had no idea that the moment you took my hand and pulled me up off of the floor, would be the moment that my life changed drastically, pushing me miles out of my comfort zone. However, I do not regret meeting you in the slightest, because that one moment lead me to all those precious moments that we have shared together, all of the beautiful memories that I hold closest to my heart.

My mind drifts back to when you told me your name...

The bell rings, signifying the end of class. I pack up my things and make my way out of the lecture hall. I have never been able to properly grasp all of those complicated mathematical formulas and today is no different. I still don't understand why they seem to think that we will have to apply Pythagoras' Theorem or be able to work out the square route of 23 in everyday life.

I walk hurriedly out of the classroom only to collide with a familiar sturdy figure. I am knocked straight onto the floor and my head knocks against the door frame with a great amount of force. A horrendous pain shoots through the back of my skull and I am afraid to move. I carefully open my eyes and see the boy that I bumped into only a couple of days ago. He is looking at me with a concerned expression, worry practically radiating off of him. 

"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" He asks, panic clear in his voice.

"I-It hurts." I manage.

"It'll be okay. I'll take you to the nurse's office." He assures as he hauls me onto my feet and then drapes me over his back, my arms hanging loosely around his neck.

We arrive at the nurse's office fairly quickly, but I can't help feeling guilty about becoming a burden to him. I have bumped into him twice now and both times it has been my fault for not looking where I was going and now he is obligated to carry me here to the nurse's office. I wish that I could just stay out of trouble and not bother him anymore.

The nurse is done with me pretty quickly and I walk out of the room to find a most unexpected sight. The stunningly gorgeous boy who brought me here is sitting on a chair just outside the room with worry written all over his face. Was he waiting for me? Was he worried about me? My questions are answered when he turns to see me standing in the doorway, staring at him and he visibly relaxes. 

"Are you okay?" He asks softly

"I-I'm fine..it's n-nothing s-serious" I cannot help but stutter.

"That's good." He says with a sigh of relief. "If I had hurt you too badly I don't think I could forgive myself."

"I-I'm really f-fine" I insist

"Is there anything I can do to make this right?" He asks seriously

" What's your name?" I ask without stuttering for once

"Ruki...my name is Ruki." He responds and a small smile makes its way onto his lips.

When you smiled I felt my heart skip a beat. After that fiasco we started to become closer to each other. You started to walk me to my classes and pick me up when they ended, we started eating our lunch together, studying together. You even helped me with my Maths homework, although you weren't that great at it yourself. Something I found strange was that you never seemed to be friendly with anyone other than me. It made me feel special, wanted, needed, all the things that I have never felt before. 

Everything you said to me, everything you did with me made me fall for you. I could feel myself falling further and further as the days passed by. I have no idea if you noticed the change or not, when I started to see you differently, look at you with different eyes. It took me a while but I realised that I had fallen in love with you. I must have been obvious after that because we ended up walking home together on that one fateful night...

The night when we shared our first kiss.

I am glad that my persistence has finally paid off, he is finally letting me walk home with him. He won't let me see where he lives yet, but he has agreed to walk me home. I feel like I have broken through another small section in the walls surrounding his heart. I have known him for a few months now and the signs of Spring are all around us. Daffodils are growing on the sides of the road and butterflies are appearing more frequently. I wonder if Ruki has a favourite flower...maybe I should find some way to bring it up.

"Hey....Ruki...what is your favourite type of flower?" I ask nervously.

"Why do you ask?" He questions.

"I-I w-was just w-wondering. I mean, daffodils are appearing and I just t-thought to ask you..." I trail off, my confidence diminished.

"...I like forget-me-nots...they have a deep meaning to them." Ruki says after a moment.

I stare at his side profile for a while as we walk side by side. Forget-me-nots, huh? Such pretty blue flowers. Very few things are naturally blue, so those flowers are special. However, that is not the reason why they hold a deep meaning. To give someone forget-me-nots is like telling them never to forget you, it's like telling them to never let go of your memory. I like that. I think you would have to care about someone very deeply to give them forget-me-nots. To give or accept them is almost like a silent promise.

Without warning I am brought out of my thoughts as Ruki silently slides his hand into mine and entwines our fingers. My heart pounds hard and fast in my chest, I feel as though it could leap out at any moment, maybe Ruki can even hear it beating. I feel my face heat up and I slowly look across to see that Ruki's cheeks are tinted with a faint red colour. Does he feel the same way about me as I feel about him?

All of a sudden we are standing just outside my front door. My heart sinks slightly at the thought of Ruki leaving me to go his own separate way. I do not want him to leave, it feels like only a few minutes have passed. Why is it that time just speeds by when he's near me, an when we are apart it seeps by as slowly as possible? I wish that he could stay, but I know that he won't...

I look at my door with a sad expression, knowing that my time with him for today is over. I start turning to look at him, ready to say goodbye, but before the words can leave my mouth he cups my face between his warm hands and places a soft kiss against my lips. Time seems to stop completely as his lips press against mine, but the moment passes far too quickly for my liking. He pulls away, a light blush painting his cheeks and then his eyes widen as he realises what has just transpired between us. Less than a second passes before he turns on his heels and runs away as quickly as he can.

You were so cute after that. You couldn't look me in the eye without blushing profusely and looking away. Of course, I would blush too. You didn't really confess any of your feelings to me verbally, but as we held hands and exchanged shy kisses there was a silent agreement that our love was mutual.

It was only to be expected that people would give us judgemental glances as we openly presented our relationship. After all, I was the awkward kid who couldn't look people in the eye and you were the dark and mysterious social outcast. People must have found it rather bewildering that we ended up together, but I loved you and although you didn't say it at that time, I know you loved me too.

As the months passed I grew more and more aware that you were changing. It seems a bit silly now, but back then I was really worried that I would loose you. You were acting so strangely and I could tell that you were trying to push me away, but I had no idea why. I became very unhappy and self-conscious. I wondered if you had stopped loving me, if you even loved me at all, if there was someone else... Little did I know how wrong I was. After weeks of painful neglect I finally decided to confront you about what was wrong...

The weather is still fairly cold outside even though it is nearing summer. I went home feeling miserable again today after Ruki buried me in neglect once again. There is no way that I am going to put up with this any longer. I am fed up of being the weak victim all the time and even though it is not in my nature to fight, I can feel the one I love slipping away from me and I refuse to sit by and feel sorry for myself. Ruki is the first person who has shown signs of truly caring about me, truly loving me for who I am and I am not about to give up on us.

I decided only moments ago that I would find him and confront him. I don't know where he lives but I know he has been going into the woods regularly for a couple of months now. I raced out of my house with only my hoodie for extra warmth, I didn't have time to find my jacket and scarf. I am currently jogging through the woods in the direction that I saw Ruki go last time I saw him here. I have no idea where I am and I know that this is dangerous, but I need to find Ruki and I know that he is here somewhere.

All of a sudden I see a familiar figure leaning against a tree, l recognize it immediately as Ruki. He looks as though he is in a serious amount of pain. I carefully approach him and call out to him. When he looks at me his eyes are terrifying. Those brown orbs that are usually so warm and welcoming are now full of darkness fear. As he looks at me this way, I feel as though I barely recognize him. This is not the same Ruki that I know and love.

"Ruki...are you okay?" I ask softly.

"Stay back!" He yells, startling me.

"W-what's w-wrong?" I ask, completely intimidated.

"I don't want you anywhere near me! Just scram!" He shouts, almost like a warning.

"Ruki, I am sick of this!" I shout back and I can see the surprise on his face. "You have been treating me like I'm nothing to you! You've been relentlessly pushing me away from you and it hurts!"

"Get out of here." He orders with dark eyes.

"N-n-no! N-not until you give me some answers! Why are you doing this to me? Do you hate me? Have you stopped loving me...Is there someone else?" I ask, breaking towards the end as warm tears begin to trail down my cheeks.

"Please! Please...just go. I don't want you to get hurt! I don't want to hurt you!" He pleads.

"You have already hurt me to the point where I can't take it anymore! The past months have been torture for me! Why can't you just tell me what's going on? Either give me a good reason right now or break up with me and put me out of my misery." I say with finality.

"I'll break up with you then" He answers, but I can hear the pain in his voice. Something is very wrong here.

"Damn it Ruki...how could you?" I question as I move closer to him, tears now pouring down my face like a waterfall.

"Stay back! Leave! Go away! I don't want to hurt you! You can't see me like this!" He yells and turns away from me.

"Ruki, what the hell is going on?" I want to run away and cry by myself, but something is just not right here, I know it, so I have to stay.

Suddenly Ruki collapses on the ground and lets out a painful cry. He raises his hands to grasp the sides of his head as he yells out in pain. I do not hesitate to kneel beside him and hold him still. He looks up at me and it is then that I realise that his eyes are no longer brown, but a piercing yellow  and fur is appearing all over his body.

"Ruki...what's happening?" I ask with worry.

"I...go quickly....before it's too late." he begs me as tears stream across his pale cheeks.

"I can't leave you like this! I won't!" I protest.

"I...I can't control it...What if I hurt you." he says, his voice strained as his transformation continues.

"You can't hurt me any more than you already have!" I shout in response and he takes several shaky breaths.

"The moon...it's full. But there is something wrong with my blood. I only transform half way...please...if you won't leave then please don't look at me." he explains, the transition seems to have ended.

The wind pushes the branches of the trees aside and the moonlight shines down, casting a dim light on his form. I can see it all now. Most of his body is covered in fur, His teeth are now pointed like those of a wild wolf, his eyes are a glowing yellow, pointed, furry ears protrude from the top of his head and a tail is pressed against the backs of his legs. This is why he was pushing me away, why he was acting so coldly...everything is so clear now, it all makes sense.

"Ruki...what are you?" I ask in a whisper.

"p-please...don't...don't look at me" he says between pitiful sobs.

"Why didn't you tell me about this? We could have shared the burden." Although I am still not sure what he is or what exactly is going on.

"I am a vicious-looking creature that transforms half way into a wolf in direct moonlight. Are you not terrified?" he asks as he sits up and stares at me.

"I was scared when you pushed me away, I was scared when I thought I was going to loose you, but I could never be scared of what you are...because, Ruki...I love you." I spoke those three words for the first time.

"I love you too." he says as he leans his head against my shoulder and I gently run my fingers through his hair.

That was the night that I found out what you really are, that you are a werewolf and you have a rare genetic complication which results in you being unable to fully transform into a wolf. You knew that I saw you as a pure, flawless being and that scared you. It was the reason why you pushed me away...you didn't want me to see you as a monster. I don't regret going through all that pain because you were suffering just as much as me and we told each other that we loved each other for the first time. It was the first time of many.

It was only a short while after that when I decided that I wanted to move in with you. We were both nervous about it, but you agreed and we have been living together in this cabin ever since. Of course, my parents were not to happy about me leaving, but they respected that I was old enough to make my own decisions. Being able to live with you was perfect for me. You were the last thing I saw before falling asleep and the first thing I saw upon opening my eyes.

We exchanged those words quite frequently after that, probably because we both realised that there is no way to say it enough times. I could tell you a million times that I love you and use a million words to tell you why, but that still would not be enough. You didn't just tell me that you loved me though, you showed me that you loved me. You wanted to lift the burden from me and learn how to gain complete control over your transformations, you wanted to be able to completely turn into a wolf.

That is why you left. 

You were absolutely certain that you wanted to master and control you ability and you were willing to go to great lengths to ensure your success. You found an elder of an ancient wolf tribe and he agreed to teach you. However, it came with a price. You would have to go on an intensive training course in the depths of the forrest, in the territory of the elder's pack and you would not be allowed to return until you had completely mastered your ability.

I did not know how soon you would be leaving until I woke up to a bouquet of forget-me-nots, lying on the bed where you should have been. I knew then that it would be a long time until I would see you again, but I didn't know that it would be almost four whole years and there is still no sight of you. 

I have been feeling for a long time that I should have stopped you from leaving, that I should have persuaded you not to go. I wouldn't have minded having to look after you during your transformations, I would not have seen it as a burden in the slightest. I miss you so much, I miss your kind eyes, I miss your soft lips, your sweet words and your breathtaking smiles that could light up my world even in my darkest moments. I miss your warmth, I miss the love that surrounded you, I miss being able to tell you that I love you, I miss the way that the sun lit up your face in the early morning...

The snow is deep outside, covering the grassy ground outside and it still floats heavily from the sky, creating a thick veil of white. My thoughts are suddenly disturbed by something I can see in the corner of my eye. I become alert as I look out of the window. I see a dark figure moving closer to the cabin. Unsure of what or who it could possibly be, I grow tense, but there is something deep inside of me that is telling me not to be afraid. 

I get up from where I have been sitting for so long, pull on my winter boots from by the coat rack and fling the front door wide open. I step out into the snow and feel each step sink at least four inches. I stare intently, trying to focus on the unknown figure that is still growing nearer. My breath catches and I feel my heart stop as the figure becomes visible through the snow. A large white wolf stands before me, its thick fur being blown by the gentle breeze. It looks up at me with its piercing yellow eyes.

"Welcome home...I missed you."