Don’t

Kyungsoo looked down at the letter in hand. It was beautifully made, with wonderful golden letters, everything about it reminded him of a fairy tail. But life wasn’t a vary tail. 

And it would never be. 

Kyungsoo sighed and slowly opened the letter. The outside of it had only said for Do Kyungsoo, and he was actually curious of who send him such a pretty letter all randomly in the afternoon. At least is wasn’t Jongin, Tao or Jongdae. Jongdae could probably write like this but he was too much of a lazy to do it, and the other two had horrible handwritings. And he and Jongin weren’t even friends anymore, so why would he get a letter from him?

The first sentence in the letter shocked Kyungsoo. This was absolutely not what he had imagined.

I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.

I am such a coward. I should have been there for you, but I was just so scared, I was scared and i left you. I know how wrong it was but I am so sorry.

Kyungsoo sat down slowly on his bed. What on earth was this?

Remember how we met Kyungsoo? That day in the park? I was skating and you were walking and i accidentally skated right into you. I remember how angry you got, your eyes were so big right then. 

Kyungsoo smiled. That was right. When he met him the first time the stupid boy had been skating in their favorite park, all happy and bubbly, not looking were he was driving. And he was driving right into Kyungsoo. He remembered too how angry he had gotten. How much he had yelled at the boy. 

”Yah!!! Don’t you ever look where you are going when skating?!”

The boy had looked scared. ”I am soooo sorry! It was my first time skating today and I got so happy when I finally made it without falling so I wasn’t looking where I was going. I am so so sorry!”

Kyungsoo had sighed. ”Well at least you apologized. It’s better than some.”

The boy had smiled. ”Is there something I can do to make it up for you?”

Kyungsoo had smiled back. ”You can always buy me ice cream?”

The boy had nodded vigorously. ”Yes i will most absolutely do that! Come on” and then Kyungsoo had been dragged away towards a ice cream stand.

Kyungsoo smiled to himself. In the end it had been him buying ice cream for the boy, since he didn’t have enough money to buy for them both and only bought for Kyungsoo, who felt sorry for him and bought and ice cream for him too. Jongin had been so happy when he did that. He looked down at the letter once more.

I also remember that you weren’t very angry for long, and that you even bought me ice cream when I didn't have any money. And you were so pretty, with those big eyes and small body. So small! You were short and thin, but still so strong in some ways. When you hit me it hurt like a , once you knew where to hit for it to hurt, and you knew some martial arts. I remember laughing at you when you told me that, that it couldn’t be possible for someone so tiny as you to do martial arts. And I have a distinct memory of that i got thrown across the room for saying that. 

Kyungsoo let out a small laughed. He had been even more angry at Jongin than the first time they met when he had said that, and then he had to spend the whole afternoon taking care of the now crying Jongin. He had thought the boy was a bad punk, since he kind of looked like that, but he was one big baby really. Always so careful and scared of hurting others and he could cry for something so trivial as stepping on a bug he was terrified of because ”it wasn’t the bugs fault it was scary and ugly looking and everyone deserves to live!” 

I remember how much i cried back then, mostly because I got scared when you threw me then it hurt, and that you spend so long cooing me into stopping. You told me you were sorry, but that you should never call Do Kyungsoo weak, and that I had to be taught a lesson. I remember how i smiled at that, and that you smiled back. Your smile was beautiful. 

”So was yours” Kyungsoo mumbled.

Over time we hung out more and more and you became my best friend. You were always so nice and careful, always taking care of me, comforting me when other kids were mean, even yelling at them at times. Your eyes got huge every time you did that, you looked like you would kill the whole world by just looking at it and i remember how scared those kids got. And they never bothered me again after that happened. Whenever they saw me they just whispered ”we can’t mess with him, that friend with huge eyes will kill us if we do” and i was so grateful that I had you as a friend. A my best friend. 

In many ways you were just like a brother to me, always protecting me an telling me that I should eat more or rest more or exercise less. And I always told you the same. 

In my whole life i always though i would end up as a business man for my father’s company with a wife and kids, but if that was what I really wanted was a completely different thing. In reality I did want kids, but I did not was to be a business man, and I did not want a wife. I wanted to be a dancer. And women was never really my thing.

I know that you know that I like dancing. But I think I failed to tell you that I love dancing. It’s my whole life. Those weekends i couldn’t meet up with you i was away on a competition somewhere, while I told my parents I was at your house so that they wouldn’t know. And they never suspected anything. Neither did you. I realize that I should not have lied to you, but I know how serious you were about school and studies and I know that you would never give up your dream of becoming a doctor to be a singer, even though you love singing. Even though your parents have told you that you can become one if you want to, since they are performers as well. But for you money and work is more important, and I understand that. You will make a fantastic doctor. But I can’t help thinking that you would make great singer as well.

It’s just something about the way you look when you sing. The way you close your eyes and just concentrate on the feeling the song gives you. The way you smile or look sad or even angry, expressing everything through your songs. The way you always smile when someone praise you for your singing. I know that you sometimes feel like you aren’t as great as other singers, but you are. Even Jongdae Hyung says so, and he is a wonderful singer. But always when i hear him sing i long for your voice as well. You to together would be greater that great. You two together with Baekhyun would be unbeatable. And you alone up on a stage would be wonderful as well.

I know you want to be singer, but i just don’t want you to jump right into things. I know your dream for becoming a doctor has been etched inside your head since you were little, and that you are stubborn enough to have held on to it, but dreams change as we grow. You have to take in thought that you are not the same person as you were back then anymore, and if becoming a doctor is what you really wish for. Don’t make the same misstake as me, especially since your parents accept you no matter what. you can do whatever you want, Kyungsoo hyung. Whatever you want. The sky is the limit. 

Do you remember what I said about women was never really my thing? Well, it’s as true as it sounds. Ever since I was little I found myself wanting to hang out with the girls, playing family and wanting to dance. I am not saying dancing is for girls only, but wanted to go to a dancing school which taught girly dances as well as cool danced. I wanted to master it all. 

I remember meeting my best girl friend there. She was pretty and sweet and she was always laughing, nothing could ever make her day bad. And we loved hanging out together, and we did, all days we could. I remember her coming to my house one day, crying, saying that she did not know what to do, and i remember asking what was wrong. At first she didn’t want to tell me, but after lots of cooing I got her to tell me what was wrong. 

She had a girl who she had been friends with for a while. It wasn’t until recently that she realized that she might like that girl a bit more than she should have liked her. 

I remember asking her if she was lesbian, and i remember her burying her head in my chest, her voice telling me yes. And I told her it was alright, that I would never judge her for something like that. That i couldn’t judge her since i was exactly the same. 

I still see her eyes when she looked at me, asking if I was gay, and i told her the truth. She was the first person to ever know that I was gay, and she took it with her to her grave.

Yes. You are thinking right. She died. And it’s my fault she did.

I was the one who told her that she should tell the girl that she loved her, and she told me that  should tell my crush that i loved him, but only one of us followed through. She was the only one who told her crush, going to her house with chocolate and roses, confessing. And when she called and told me her crush, her friend, had rejected her and told her she was gross and that she never wanted to see her again, she was crying so much. And she was driving at the same time. I remember telling her everything would be fine, and I remember her crying harder. And then I heard her scream, and I heard screeches of tires and a loud crash. And i remember how i screamed into the phone, trying to get her to answer me, screaming for my parents to call the cops, to tell them that there had been a car accident. But I didn’t know where. And I continued crying out for her and when i finally heard her voice, it was filled with so much agony and pain. ”Please” she said. ”Jonginnie, it hurts.” And i told her it would be fine, that she would be fine. But i knew she never would be. I heard it in her voice, how her life was slowly running out. 

My best friends was hit by a truck the day her crush rejected her for being lesbian, and she died at the sight, before the ambulance was even near of being there. She died, and it is all my fault. If I had told her to stay with me for the night, she would never had been on the road and she would never had been hit. I ca never forgive myself for doing that to her. 

But i realize know that i owe her this much.

You are my crush, Kyungsoo hyung. You are and you always will be. Ever since i first met you in that damn park. Everything about you was what I had bee looking for all along. You were perfect. But the fact that you are perfect is also why I lied to you. Because I am a coward. 

The night before I finally confessed to my parents that I was gay, and I got the yelling of my life. They told me that their son couldn’t possibly be gay, that it was impossible. That they wouldn’t allow it. That we would pretend that it never happened and I would stop speaking nonsense. And I agreed, because i saw what homoual love did to people. What it did to my friend. 

So when you confessed to me that night I got so scared. I had no idea how to react. I had never even imagined that you would love me too, and i was so shocked. If it had been any other day before my friend died I would have thrown myself in your arms, and I would never had let go, but I was so scared. I was scared we would end up the same way, that you one day would wake up to realize that I wasn’t the man you wanted me to be, and that you would leave me forever, marrying a woman instead having children living happily ever after. And I can’t help thinking that it would probably be better that way. I have to many flaws and imperfections to be loved, I don’t deserve it. And I know you want kids, don’t even lie to yourself about that. The way your eyes light up when you take care of children tells me that. I now you well enough for that.

So that was why I ran away that day, and that was why I refused to talk to you after. Because if I saw you again I would probably give in and kiss you, and tell you oven and over again how much I loved you. But I can’t do that. You deserve so much more than me, hyung, and I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone. 

I am useless. I at business and can’t stand the fact that I will be stuck in an office the rest of my life when all I want is dance. I can’t stand knowing that my parents secretly hate me for being gay, that they think I am one big disappointment and that they never should have made me in the first place. 

And I can’t stand the thought of living in a world without you in it, and I will have to because I can’t see you, because if I do I will give up. And I can’t stand it. The more I think about it, the more I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I just want to lie down and close my eyes and disappear. I can’t do this anymore.

I love you Kyungsoo.

I am sorry.

I truly am.

Yours only;

Jongin.

Kyungsoo stood up, fear pumping through his chest. He picked up his phone, punching in the number he knew by heart, only to hear it go to voice mail. ”No no no no no” he mumbled, calling again and again, while putting shoes on running out of his apartment down he snow covered ground. It was a beautiful day. 

He called Jongin’s mother’s number in panic, and when she picked he screamed ”Where is Jongin!”

”Hello” was the answer. ”Who is this?”

”This is Kyungsoo, and if you know where Jongin was headed you have to tell me now. I think he is about to do something terrible.”

”Do what!” his mother screamed out. ”He said he was going to visit the skating park, that the hills nearby was so pretty in the winter.”

”” Kyungsoo roared. 

”Kyungsoo please, what is happening?”

”Jongin is going to kill himself, because he thinks you hate him and that he is worthless and that being gay destroys you. He wants to dance and you are going to destroy his life. Just ing accept you sone for what he is, because he is perfect the way he is. I love him and I will always love him, just like you love your husband, and if you can’t accept that then I feel sorry for you.”

With those words Kyungsoo hung up and ran even faster than before. He had been heading the right way, since he half thought Jongin would be there, but he had still hoped he would be home. That he and been wrong. But he wasn’t. 

When Kyungsoo reached the park he was short of breath, but he kept running. He ran the fastest he ever could and he ran and ran and ran. Because up there on one of the hills in by the end of the park, pointing down in the ocean, was Jongin. The wind was softly playing with his dark hair and he was dressed in a thin white shirt and black pants. He looked like an angel. The sun was shining on his tanned skin, making him sparkle. And he was dancing, slowly and sensually. It was like nothing accept him was there and with every step he took, the closer he got to the edge. Kyungsoo ran faster. 

he was closing in, just a few meters away when Jongin reached the edge, stumbling a bit with his eyes still closed, and Kyungsoo realized he would dance until he stepped out over the edge and fell. And Jongin stepped out. 

”NO!”

Jongin felt peaceful dancing up on the edge of the hill. He was ready to die. There was nothing left to live for, after all. He had kept his promise to his best girl friend, he told Kyungsoo he loved him, and he danced a last time, on his own ending stage. He had done everything he wanted, and now he could just disappear quietly. No one would miss him anyways. 

He felt his foot glide at the edge and he stumbled, but kept dancing. He would dance until the end. One more step. Two. Three. On the forth step there was no longer ground for him to step down on and he felt himself falling. He smiled a bit. Goodbye life.

”NO!”

Kyungsoo watched as Jongin fell, and he threw himself forward. Reaching, reaching. His hand was right there. Jongin was right there.

And he caught him. 

He had hanging halfway out of the edge and Jongin now had his eyes open, staring at him. ”Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo held Jongin tighter, and puled hard, managing to pull them up a little. ”Jongin” he said. ”Jongin, please. You have to help. Pull yourself up.”

Jongin looked serious. ”I am ready to die, hyung. Let me go.”

”NO Kim Jongin, you are not ready to die. You will not die because I love you, and I don’t care what other people think. Your are everything I need, and taking your life is more cowardly than anything you have ever done. Don’t you dare leaving me here all alone, because I swear if you fall I will fall with you. I will never let go, never! So Jongin please. You are not going to die today, please. You are going to live and we are going to be happy and we are going to adopt a child and the world will be against us but I don’t care. There is no one but you, and there never will be. You are my soulmate, and I will never let go. If you want to die, I die with you. I will!” 

Kyungsoo’s tears were dripping, landing on Jongin’s face, mixing with his tears and running down in the black ocean. Time stood still, there was only Jongin and Kyungsoo. Nothing else mattered. There was only them. 

And Jongin gripped Kyungsoo’s hand tighter and swung his leg over the edge of the cliff, pulling himself up, and Kyungsoo helped him, dragged and pulled. Once Jongin were fully up, Kyungsoo grabbed him and dragged him away from the edge, falling in his arms. ”Jongin, Jongin, Jongin” he whimpered again and again and again. ”Please don’t leave me. Please. I love you so much. You are perfect, you are everything I have ever wanted. You see your flaws as flaws but I see them as little parts of you. Little parts of perfect. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met and those flaws are what make you you. And it was not your fault that she died. It was an accident and she did not deserve it, but it happened. She did not deserve it, and you don’t either. You deserve to live, just like she did and I love you more than I love anything. You are perfect in my eyes, Jongin, and you will never be anything less that perfect.”

Jongin cried with Kyungsoo. ”I am so sorry hyung. I am so so sorry. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Kyungsoo smiled a bit. ”But I know. You are going to become a dancer, and I am going to support you. You don’t have to become a business man for your father, that is his dream, not yours. They will get over it. And I am going to become a doctor just like before, but I am going to become a singer as well. You were right. My heart has changed a bit.” 

”You mean it hyung?”

”Yes Jongin, I do. I would never lie to you. Never.”

”I love you, Kyungsoo.”

And Kyungsoo smiled. ”I love you too. So much.” And then he leaned down and kissed his true love. The kiss was slow, beautiful, and filled with so much love that it hurt. And Jongin held Kyungsoo so hard, like he was afraid that he would disappear otherwise, and Kyungsoo held Jongin the same. They were crying, kissing, laughing. They were everything at the same time, but nothing would have been better. it was just like it was supposed to be. Jongin was alive. Jongin was with Kyungsoo. 

And Kyungsoo would never let him go. If Jongin went then he would go with him. Because he belonged with Jongin. And Jongin belonged with him. They were right where they were supposed to be. And nothing would break them apart. Their souls were connected for eternity. Lifetime after lifetime they would find each other. 

They belonged together. 

“Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget.” 

― Alysha Speer

Author’s note

Suicide is never the answer to anything. Life is hard and everything can feel hopeless, but it will get  better.There is always someone out there who loves you, never forget that. There is always someone. I really hope you enjoyed it. <3