One, two, three, and the list went on just by looking at how the empty glasses laid lifelessly in every corners of the room. The entire room reeked of alcohol and just the smell alone was enough for anyone to be drunk. There, in the middle of the room, he sat there quietly. He was in an utter mess, a mess that he had never thought he would reveal just like that even on days when he felt like Jinhwan was never within his reach. He had never felt this much like a trash; like in Jinhwan’s world, Junhoe was not even near the role of a spare tyre.

“What am… I?” he laughed, eyes reverting back and forth in the empty room as the realization hits him that he was in fact a loner with really nothing. Today, he had figured out that although it seemed like Jinhwan did open up to him and only him after so many years, everything between them seemed like nothing the moment ‘Hanbin’ appeared.

Junhoe was not dumb, and neither was he ignorant. He was not oblivious to the number of times Jinhwan shuts the world out whenever he misses his ‘Hanbin’; he was clearly aware that whenever Jinhwan visits that particular spot at the beach, Junhoe was not the least bit welcomed. There were just so many things that he knew but he chose to shamelessly brush it off, because he thought his presence would or could have made a difference. He felt so dumb, right at this instant; he had never been more sober to realize how big of a fool he had been all these while.

“You stink,” a familiar voice called out, switching on the lights in the alcohol-reeked room, “and you look like those trash outside your house right now.”

“Thanks.”

Junhoe found it amusing, that he was somewhat still hoping for Jinhwan to be at the door, telling him to sober up and letting him know that he still matters, or at least he once mattered. He choked on his own laughter, making it ridiculous for his friend who has been watching as he switched between crying and laughing for the next five minutes.

“Stop it,” he ordered Junhoe to as he watched the latter downed another bottle of soju. Junhoe shoved him aside, carefully eyeing his friend before whispering, “You are not Jinhwan hyung…”

“What the hell Junhoe, just how many bottles have you downed to get yourself into this mess?” Donghyuk scolded, picking up all the bottles that were lying around. He knew Junhoe was in a mess when Junhoe left weird voice calls in his mailbox, but he did not expect this whole disaster as if a hurricane had swept up his entire room.

“Mm… about ten here…? And maybe another ten lying somewhere by the river…?” the clearly drunken men giggled, as he found it amusing to have like three Donghyuk in his room.

“Wow, and I should applaud you for coming home on your own after the mess by the Han River?” Donghyuk snorted, so pissed at how Junhoe was dwelling in his own sorrows like a whimpered men, yet upset over the fact that he couldn’t help. He would have thrown the bag of trash at that drunkard to wake him up if it weren’t for the glass bottles in there.

He sighed, looking at how his usually sassy friend becoming a complete fool in love, he sighed.

“So what is this new episode? The drama has never been taken this far,” Donghyuk asked worriedly, taking away the last bottle of soju from Junhoe before slotting it into the trash bag that he was holding.

“Well you didn’t call me here to just stare at you, did you?” Donghyuk asked again as he watched how Junhoe was silently staring at nothing, but tears streaming down quicker than anything.

“He is back, Jinhwan hyung found it…” the seven words Junhoe spat, only causing more confusion than ever. Donghyuk watched his friend, waiting for him to continue, which he was sure that Junhoe would.

“Kim Hanbin, Jinhwan hyung’s heart…”

And Junhoe did finish the main point. Donghyuk looked at how low Junhoe’s head hung, as he felt like this boy deserved more than what he has now. He watched how Junhoe gave up so many things secretly for Jinhwan, and he still it takes more than just love to do so. This guy right next to him fought hard against his parents to study business for the family, but took up medicine just so he can find a way to treat Jinhwan’s legs; he gave up the chance of going overseas to get himself a doctorate just so he can stay here and come up with a way to help Jinhwan. These are things that Junhoe had never and would never let Jinhwan know. But sometimes, Donghyuk wished he could secretly show Jinhwan all that Junhoe had done; because maybe even Hanbin, couldn’t even do just as much.

“So you’ve met him?” Donghyuk asked, ever carefully as he watched Junhoe nodding slightly.

“And I somewhat got ditched by Jinhwan hyung for that guy even though I was close to begging for him to stay,” Junhoe started, tears still falling.

Junhoe had always had this sassy aura because of the image he chose to portray, and he always had this masculinity image because he had always wanted to come off strong and dependable for Jinhwan. And he did thought, that the ferris wheel date was a step closer to Jinhwan’s heart, and that the way Jinhwan looked at him hinted that he wasn’t completely clueless about Junhoe’s love, and that Jinhwan wasn’t completely feeling nothing for Junhoe. He thought so, he really did.

However, the moment Jinhwan saw his ‘Hanbin’, everything changed. The way Jinhwan never even takes his eyes of ‘Hanbin’ and the way Jinhwan didn’t even give Junhoe a glance was a stab in his heart. Most importantly, when Junhoe put all his pride aside begging for Jinhwan to not leave, Jinhwan could only apologize. It was that apology that made him feel like all these years, everything between them was meaningless to Jinhwan, and that he was really a nobody that had the luck of becoming Jinhwan’s friend.

“Hey…” Donghyuk tried to open his mouth, but the words went down his throat again when he realized nothing was really enough to make up for Junhoe tonight. He could be selfless, but it doesn’t mean that god should have been this unfair. What scares Donghyuk the most is that he will see Junhoe acting all strong and fine again tomorrow, although he had nothing left from today.

“Thanks…” Junhoe whispered, casually lying on his friend’s shoulder as he fell asleep after the alcohol taking a toll on his body. Voicing out and releasing those tears felt good, like a burden off his shoulder. Junhoe really had nothing left, because he gave his all to Jinhwan, and will continue doing so even after tonight. He just had to continue forgetting the fact that while he drowns in bottles of soju right here, Jinhwan was in someone else’s embrace.

There is a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn’t love you.

----------

The morning wasn’t gray, but by soothing lavender and brilliant amber. The colors merged into neon pink and peach. Hanbin sat by the bench in the park, the exact same place where he last waited for Jinhwan. Last night was so miserably painful. He remembered how he peeped into the room, only to see Jinhwan sleeping peacefully in Bobby’s strong pair of arms. Somehow it hurts, even if he knew well enough that he was the one who pushed Jinhwan into someone else’s arms.

“If only I hadn’t tried returning five years go, then maybe I would still have the rights to be with you…” Hanbin sighed.

It wasn’t easy being in his shoes. He was a boy with everything, but just one night, it was all gone. Like a lightning from nowhere, that accident took away a large part of his life. He was supposed to give Jinhwan the Christmas they’ve promised to cele