remember that day when we first met and everyone stayed away from me? i thought you'd avoid me, but you didn't.

"...and this is your practice room. there are already many other trainees here so i hope you'll get along with them," the lady from the front desk told taekwoon as she pusehd open the neon orange door leading to a fairly large practice room that had mirrors on two adjacent walls and two lime green walls, one with a huge 'jellyfish entertainment' logo and the other with a large black couch. 

taekwoon gingerly took a step in, not knowing how the other trainees would react. would they scoff at him when he spoke? would they be hostile because in the end, they really were all rivals battling for that miniscule chance to debut and finally fulfill their dreams. thankfully, no one really did anything when he entered. they spared him a small glance, but then turned back and focused on what they were doing. taekwoon could feel the boy he can come in with, wonsik, if he's not mistaken that had auditioned with him, stiffen as if feeling extremely uncomfortable in that room. 

it wasn't long before their trainers came in and introduced the two new additions to their team, as well as started on their classes. throughout the whole class, the others avoided the two newbies like the plague, leaving them both to either partner one another to give feedback on what the other is doing, or to go to a corner and do it by himself, waiting for their trainer to make his way over to help. 

"hello! i'm cha hakyeon! but everyone calls me n. do you need help with stretching?" a boy with chocolate brown hair who was a few inches shorter than him asked at the start of their dance lesson. "so what's your name? and what experience do you have? and oh! what did you audition with?" wow he's chatty.

"i'm jung taekwoon, auditioned with singing.i've never had much experience but i did attend singing lessons when i was younger." 

"i see... no dance then?" 

"i did some dance in school."

"that's good! anyway we better not be chatting... let's start stretching then!" with that, hakyeon was helping taekwoon out with his stretches because even though that latter had been in the youth soccer team, he didn't know some stretches that dancers usually do during warm-up. 

remember that day when i splashed water on your jeans? i thought you'd get mad at me, but you didn't.

after having finalised their positions in vixx and getting their stage names, they were told by the company to bring a small video camera around as they were brought out to somewhere that taekwoon was unfamiliar with. apparently the idea was for them to record each other in their candid moments to show their true selves to their soon-to-be fans, or 'exploring the life of vixx', as the editor called it.

hakyeon was holding the camera and running after him as taekwoon strolled to the water's edge at some place they were at; taekwoon didn't know how to describe this place. it was something like a fountain or pond with big slabs of marble for people to walk on? 

getting annoyed at hakyeon constantly shoving the camera in his face, taekwoon squatted down, watching hakyeon do the same. once he was close enough to the water's surface, a hand reached in and scooped up some water, tossing it towards hakyeon effectively wetting the jeans of the other. 

crap. he's wearing jeans. taekwoon forgot that jeans were hard to dry, even with such a weather. furthermore, they had just gone out and hakyeon would probably have to suffer the uncomfortable feeling of wet jeans clinging onto his skin for the next few hours. he turned around, worried that hakyeon would start lashing out at him because even though hakyeon was kind and sweet, he was extremely scary when angry. 

"yah! taekwoon-ah! my jeans are wet!" hakyeon whined, but unlike what taekwoon had thought, the shorter only childishly whined as he ran after him, camera still in hand. 

remember that time when i pushed you a little too hard on broadcast? i thought you'd hate me, but you didn't.

they were filming sonbadak tv at this time, and taekwoon had been called to sing. of course, hakyeon, being the ever annoying leader he was, decided to give taekwoon a hug as if to encourage him while he sang. taekwoon pushed him away without any second thoughts. but from the corner of his eye, he saw how hakyeon had stumbled a little after his push, indicating that he might've pushed a little too hard than he had meant to.

of course, it a live show so hakyeon couldn't show his displeasure for what had happened, except give a small comcial reaction to taekwoon's action. 

"kids, c'mon let's head back to the dorm," thier manager called, ushering them back to their car. throughout the whole process, hakyeon hadn't spared a glance towards taekwoon. he must hate me now. maybe i shouldn't have pushed him. he's sensitive. 

back in the car, hakyeon didn't even bother talking to the rest, which was something extremely unlike him. maybe he's just tired? the other members were also wondering why hakyeon wasn't talking their ears off, especially after a successful broadcast. 

"hyung! are you feeling ohkay?" asked hongbin.

"hm... sometimes i just don't get some things," hakyeon replied, making it sound like he was annoyed at taekwoon for what had happened during the broadcast. surely he isn't so petty? 

"i'm sorry," was the first thing taekwoon said when he and hakyeon were alone in the kitchen while the other members were either bathing, sleeping or doing work. 

"eh? for what?" hakyeon stared at him quizzically, a cup of tea in his hands. 

"don't hate me, it wouldn't be good for the band if you did," taekwoon mumbled, not bothering about hakyeon's confusion.

"hate you? why would i ha- are you talking about what happened during sonbadak?" hakyeon laughed. "i don't hate you taekwoon, i just wasn't myself because a few of my friends are currently at 'war' with each other and i'm stuck in the middle." he explained. 

remember that day i got so mad at you when you were only doing your job as the group's leader? i thought you'd curse because someone like me wanted to be a singer, but you didn't.

"do we really have to do vixx girls?" hakyeon whined, hating the idea that s would have to be dressed in ridiculous skirts, faces caked with a kilogram of makeup and flounce around acting all girly. 

"if you do this more people will get to know vixx, n," mr. hwang responded patiently, trying to persuade the leader into agreeing. even though he did have the final say in everything that vixx does, he was no dictator; he didn't want to force anything on them. "if you win first, we'll also give you a vacation," he added, hoping that this offer for a break would be the deal clincher. 

hakyeon heaved a sigh - he did want vixx to be more recognised, for them to finally achieve what they've always been hoping for; a win on music shows. maybe this could really be one of the factors that would bring them even more attention, after their comebacks with such interesting concepts. 

"alright. i'll tell the members." 

"guys! have you heard about the sbs chuseok special?" hakyeon called the moment he walked into their practice room from the meeting with mr. hwang. the others were either warming up, relaxing (since no one was there to monitor them) or if it was wonshik, sleeping. 

"the one where idols have to dress up as other idols and perform their songs?" jaehwan asked with his face directed to the floor in an attempt to stretch out his hamstrings. 

"neh. but we won't be covering a boy band," hakyeon began, making his way over to wonshik to shake him awake before continuing. "sajang-nim wants us to cover as wondergirls, dancing to their song so hot." 

"neh? wondergirls? you mean cross-dressing?" hongbin screeched from his place on the black couch. hakyeon nodded.

"if hakyeon-hyung's telling us, it means it's final." sanghyuk sighed, "man i hate dresses." 

"so it's final, we'll start tomorrow." hakyeon announced, looking over to taekwoon. the taller had not bothered to say anything throughout the whole discussion but hakyeon knew he must be objecting to such an idea because really? chic and quiet taekwoon in a dress and shaking his hips to a girl group's dance? they'd already had enough trouble trying to get him to learn and perform girls' generation's i got a boy at the start of the year - and it was only for wonshik's birthday party! now that they had to perform such a thing on national television... 

-

it was the third day of practicing so hot yet taekwoon still wasn't cooperating with them. when he hadn't done so in the first two days, hakyeon thought that he just needed more time to get out of his shell and get the courage to dance such an embarrassing dance. however, it was already the third day and hakyeon's patience was running thin because they did not only have to practice for this chuseok special, they also had their own individual practices for the upcoming idol sports atheletics competition. 

"yah! taekwoon-ah! do it properly!" hakyeon scolded, annoyed that the second eldest was doing the dance so sloppily, it seemed like he barely knew what was going on - it was, in fact, the complete oppsoite because their trainer had drilled every single small detail of the dance into the boys' heads, having taken orders from the ceo to make sure the boys do well in this dance. 

"i am!" taekwoon refuted under his breath.

"you look like you don't even care!" hakyeon argued, "i know you hate this but we get recognition and if we win first place, we get a vacation can you please put some effort into this?" 

"i am!" taekwoon repeated.

"yeah. tell sajang-nim that when he sees you doing such a horrible job at what you're supposed to be a prodigy at," hakyeon replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"why not you tell sajang-nim that this is rubbish? i will not wear a wig, a stupid tight, leopard print dress and a  centimeter of makeup for this stupid show! i'm sure there're other things we can do for recognition!" with that, taekwoon stormed out of the room, not bothering to look back. 

-

"hyung was just doing his job as the leader, you know. he wants us to be successful idols," hongbin said, taking a seat next to taekwoon on the couch. he took the chance to speak with the chic main vocalist the moment the leader headed into the shower. he didn't like how practice that day ended, with a still missing taekwoon and a sulky hakyeon being even more critical than usual about their dancing. 

"but this is too much. all this for recognition? there're so many better ways to gain it!" taekwoon complained, setting his ipad aside. 

"yes, but believe it or not, fans like this the most; fans love it when their idols cross dress and dance to girl group songs, for whatever reason," hongbin explained, "please?" 

taekwoon sighed, "fine."

-

just when hakyeon was about to go to sleep after making sure everyone sans taekwoon was nicely tucked into bed after drinking some horrible (in the members' opinion) ginseng concoction, taekwoon pulled him aside. 

"what," hakyeon spat, obviously still a little miffed about their argument earlier that day. 

"i'll do it," taekwoon said ambiguously, knowing that hakyeon could understand him in circumstances like this.

"are you sure about that," hakyeon shrugged off the hand on his shoulder, turning to make his way back into the room. 

"i'm sorry," hakyeon stopped in his tracks. "i know, i know, it's stupid that i wanted to become a singer with such a personality. i'm sorry, i'll try my best. i'm sorry." 

much to taekwoon's surprise, hakyeon turned back to give him a hug. "i never said someone like you couldn't be a singer. i was just annoyed because i really want us to succeed."

remember that time when we had a huge fight? i thought you'd give up on the likes of someone like me, but you didn't.

muffled thuds of falling objects and the alternating sounds of a soft but angry voice and a strong yet whiny voice could be heard throughout the entire dorm. apparently, both the eldest members had woken up on the wrong side of the bed today, and not to mention late. said two were currently arguing about who knows what while the rest of the members lounged in the living room, somewhat used to their arguments. 

the eldest two often had disputes amongst each other, but they were always settled easily and quickly. however, it seemed different this time. when hakyeon had stormed out of the room, the fierce look on his face scared all the members as he trudged his way into the bathroom with a bundle of clothes in his hand. taekwoon came out not too long later, face blank as he nonchalantly took a seat next with the members. 

over the course of the day, the tension between the eldest two was so thick that jaehwan swore if he threw a knife between them, it would get stuck in the middle. neither were talking to each other, pointedly avoiding each other and every chance that would have them interact. hakyeon was uncharacteristically critical and so was taekwoon. this only meant one thing for the other members: doom. with a frustrated mother complaining about their dance steps and a strict father nitpicking every little mistake made in their singing, they were training harder than ever before even though their showcase the previous night had gone by successfully. 

"we need to do something about this. i can't keep doing this!" hongbin cried out once hakyeon had left to get food and taekwoon had gone into his own practice room. the other members were sprawled out in the main practice room, panting heavily from the intense dance session that had ended only ten minutes before. 

"they'll solve it themselves, won't they?" sanghyuk replied, looking worriedly in the direction of taekwoon's practice room. "they always have." 

unlike what the other probably believed, taekwoon wasn't practicing at all in his room. for some reason, he just didn't feel that little push that made him want to sing every single day. lazily scrolling through the playlist on his ipod, his mind brought him back to what happened in the morning; to the big argument he had with hakyeon. truth be told, the reason behind the argument had been petty but the bottled up stress and lack of sleep could've been the catalyst that caused their argument to escalate so quickly and drastically. 

it was his fault, in a way, for he had been the one to snap at hakyeon initially, causing hakyeon to retaliate and for their fight to start.

in the morning, hakyeon awoke to a bottle of banana milk where he'd usually put his phone. curious, hakyeon stepped out into the living room to look for the person that could've gifted him a drink he'd been craving for the past few days but because of their schedules, they'd forgotten to stock up on it back in their dorm. 

"hey," hakyeon's head flicked around only to come face to face with someone that he'd been having a cold war with yesterday. "i'm sorry about yesterday... i know, it's my fault, i'm really sorry." 

hakyeon was never really that angry to be with in the first place, just hurt.

yes there were lots of things you didn't do. but you put up with me, loved me, protected me.

"taekwoon-oppa, can you please lose some weight?" an annoyingly high-pitched voice sneered. 

before taekwoon could even turn around to reply, hakyeon stepped infront of him, "no he cannot because he's perfect this way. and if you have problems with it, then don't even bother coming for this fansign." 

-

"we want taekwoon-oppa to cross-dress!" a fan in the crowd shouted, a few hundred others making noises of approval. 

"hasn't taekwoon already danced to i got a boy?" hakyeon replied, subtly eyeing taekwoon; he knew taekwoon was uncomfortable about the topic of cross-dressing.

"we want him to cross-dress!" the same fan repeated. 

"why? are you erts?" hakyeon joked, but at the same time he was getting annoyed that everyone wanted to push taekwoon so far out of his comfort zone. 

"no we aren't!" 

"if you cross-dress as guys, then taekwoon will cross-dress!" hakyeon announced, knowing full well that their starlights would not be willing to chop off their locks just to see taekwoon in a dress. 

"if that's the case then we'll be the ones taking pictures of you!" jaehwan butted in, hands mimicking a person crazily snapping away on a camera. he could sense hakyeon's annoyance and knew that it was his cue to lighten up the atmosphere. 

-

it was the night after the first evalutaion in mydol. everyone had been devastated that one of their most experienced trainees, daewon, had been kicked out of the programme. truth be told, everyone had expected jaehwan not to make it. because after all, jaehwan had only been there for about a year or two and daewon four. the moment taekwoon heard that daewon would be leaving, he couldn't stop the tears. daewon, the daewon that alongside hakyeon, helped him in his dancing, gave him encouragement and tips, the daewon that he wished to debut with, would no longer have a chance to be in this new band that the ceo was planning. so here he was, shoved into a corner in a practice room he shared with a few other trainees crying his heart out not only from the sadness that was the depature of daewon but also from the worry and anxiety of being the next one to be kick out. they really only had one elimination left; one last chance to impress the judges. 

"taekwoon? taekwoonie?" a soft, cautious voice called. "taekwoon, are you here?" it was hakyeon. 

"oh taekwoon," hakyeon gasped, taking in the sight in front of him. taekwoon was lucky that hakyeon hadn't the lights or he would be able to see just to what extent a wreck taekwoon was. 

"taekwoon..." hakyeon knelt down, wrapping his arms around the younger male. taekwoon could only sit in silence, neither replying nor returning the embrace. 

there were lots and lots of things i wanted to make up to you, when you return from your private schedules.... 

taekwoon had already planned it out. when hakyeon came back all tired from his guesting at sukira that day, at the precise moment the elder opened the door, he would give him a big hug. he did some reflecting a few nights ago and even though he and hakyeon had been friends for so long, he realised that more often than not, he'd been pushing hakyeon away everytime said male wanted to give him a hug. the only few times he'd ever truly hugged him on his own accord was when he'd been so stressed and exhausted from trainings just before debut that he just wanted someone he could lean on, and when they'd won their first first on a music show. 

he took a day of planning, of getting information on what time hakyeon's schedule would end, of scripting out what he wanted to say to him. taekwoon took time to think of what he wanted to say because words that weren't thought out were meaningless. he wanted to thank hakyeon for all the times he'd been there for him, apologise for all their petty disputes, invite the elder to his favourite cafe and treat him to their best coffee, and just have another one-on-one, heart-to-heart-talk that they hadn't had in a long time. 

so taekwoon sat excitedly on the couch, scrolling through the twitter feed using some old account he made back in highschool to read comments on vixx. every once in a while, his eyes would light up at a sweet comment from a fan, or a crease would find its way between his brows when he read callous insults from antis. 

it was getting late, and taekwoon was getting worried. it was already two, half an hour after the manager had told him that hakyeon would be back. slightly worried, taekwoon closed the twitter application and deicded to give hakyeon a call. 

"n-nyeong~! this is cha hakyeon! i'm not here right now so please leave a message after the beep! beeeeeep!" the cheery pre-recorded voice of the elder greeted him. taekwoon chuckled. he'd not heard this in so long because of the confiscation of their mobile phones and also because hakyeon would never not answer calls; hakyeon's ringer was always set to its loudest when he wasn't in filming because as the leader, he needed to be there when the manager called for him. this thought was slightly unsettling for taekwoon.

taekwoon opted to send a message to their manager instead. 

it was now three, and neither had given him a reply. taekwoon was getting increasingly sleepy, but he forced himself to stay awake for he wanted to be there for hakyeon when the latter got home; he wanted to stick to the plan. but of course, his eyes and brain just had to betray him and he found himself slowly giving in to the warm caress of sleep.

-

"t-taekwoon-hyung. taekwoon-hyung!" shaky hands and the equally shaky voice of hongbin woke taekwoon up.

"what is it binnie?" taekwoon asked lazily, absentmindedly turning his phone on to check the time, only to realise he had fallen asleep and it was already nine in the morning. "what time did hakyeon come back last night?" 

the mention of their leader seemed to shake hongbin up. it was only then that taekwoon realised there were tears streaming down the handsome mans face. at that sight, all sleep left taekwoon as he bolted up into a sitting position on the couch, manourvering hongbin to sit beside him. 

"what happened?" taekwoon questioned, rubbing the tears away from the younger's cheeks with his thumbs. 

"hakyeon-hyung... hakyeon-hyung... he... he..." hongbin couldn't stop sobbing and taekwoon felt his heart stop at how hongbin had mentioned hakyeon's name. it sounded exactly like how someone would mourn over their loved ones when they passed. yes, it sounded exactly like that and taekwoon wasn't sure he'd be able to take what was sure to come. 

"hyung..." a different voice this time. taekwoon looked up to see jaehwan fully dressed, car keys in hand and tears in his eyes. "we... we have to go to the hospital. hakyeon-hyung... hakyeon-hyung is...." 

taekwoon was sure his heart actually did stop this time. 

-

"the car mr, cha was in was hit by a drunk driver that had been speeding on the road. given that it's winter, the roads were more slippery and the van both mr. cha and mr.go were in had spun a few rounds before stopping just before hitting a curb. unforuntunately, due to the spinning, they had moved into another lane and the driver of another car was unable to stop in time before colliding with them, killing mr. cha on impact as the side that was hit was exactly where mr. cha had been sitting," expained the doctor. 

taekwoon didn't think he could breathe anymore. 

in the icu lay their manager, barely breathing and was wrapped in gauzes all over. 

in the hospital's morgue lay their leader, not breathing at all, and not wrapped in gauzes. because he would be embalmed later and such things weren't needed. 

but you didn't.

---

happy new year! (: since it's the new year, there might be drinking involved in parties. please don't drink and drive! it's so sad whenever there're fatal drunk driving accidents because lives are not only lost but those that live will live in constant guilt that someone had died due to their carelessness.

gayo daejejeon killed me. it's 4 am where i am. i have to go to work soon hahahhaha x)