Part One:

 

Chanyeol looked up as he saw Lay walk pass him with a soft smile. Blinking and curiosity building up inside of him, he called out to the older Chinese man.

“Hyung,” he said politely “what’s got you smiling like that?”

It wasn’t strange to see the elder man smile to himself, but for some reason seeing him smile the way he saw Lay smile, Chanyeol couldn’t help but want to know what got the guy in such a good mood. Lay looked over at Chanyeol as if finally seeing the tall man finally, and came to sit across from him having nothing better to do at the moment.

“Hmm?” hummed Lay gently “I was just on my weibo earlier.”

“Did you see something you liked?” asked Chanyeol curiously gazing at Lay

“Yeah,” smiled Lay fondly dimples showing “Duizhang’s new song was just released.”

Chanyeol felt his heart thud hard in his chest when he heard the other man say what he said. Crap, he had forgotten that the song was supposed to be release any day.

“It’s also his birthday,” smiled Lay sadly “I couldn’t help but want to see what he was up to.”

“I see,” said Chanyeol softly

The two sat in silence as the words of Lay settled between them. It wasn’t like uttering anything about their former member was a taboo or anything but still, if anyone really knew anything was that Chanyeol still felt a little sad whenever anyone discussed ‘Kris’ around him. Before it was difficult, Chanyeol would have to excuse himself to calm his breaking heart and to stop the tears from falling before anyone could see him loose his composure. But as with all things, time healed his wounded heart and he steadily got better and better when conversations popped up concerning ‘Kris’. Now, Chanyeol only felt his heart clench and thud hard in his chest but thankfully, it was internally and no one knew how he really felt on the inside even when externally he was smiling and joking around.

After what felt like an eternity to Chanyeol, he looked at his Chinese member and smiled lightly before patting his knee and got up from his place on the couch.

“I’m pretty sure whatever he did will be good for him.” He said cheerfully before yawning “It’s getting late, we should turn in for the night. We have a busy day tomorrow.”

“Chanyeol-ah” called out Lay politely

“Yeah hyung?” asked Chanyeol, glancing down at Lay

Lay shifted in his seat slightly biting his lower lip in hesitation before he looked up at the towering man in front of him and decided to speak once again.

“Maybe,” he started out slowly “you could give the song a listen?”

“What?”

“Listen to the song,” urged Lay gently with a smile “I think you will enjoy hearing Ge’s singing, it’s been awhile, ya know?”

“Hyung,” Chanyeol started out but stopped before he could finish his sentence.

“I’m not saying listen to it right this minute,” assured Lay in his gentle manner “but maybe in the future you can listen to it.”

“I…”muttered Chanyeol softly and just let his word hanging, not sure why he stopped what he was going to say.

An awkward silence filled the room as the two didn’t know what to say to one another. Chanyeol didn’t like it when situations got like this. Especially when ‘Kris’ was the object of the awkwardness. It just made things more worst then they what they really were. Okay, so it was still awkward for him to talk about it, but he felt guilty whenever the others would refrain from saying what they really wanted to say out of remorse for him. Maybe it was out of respect? Maybe it was out of pity as they were forced to witness seeing him tear himself apart days after the lawsuit came out and they got word that Kris would not be returning to Korea. Either way, Chanyeol was a little annoyed that things had to be awkward.

“If I get the time,” said Chanyeol abruptly startling Lay who was spacing out slightly, “I’ll try and listen to it.”

“Thank you Chanyeol.” Smiled Lay “I’m sure Yi Fan will appreciate it if you did listen to it.”

“Hmph,” nodded Chanyeol

Bidding the older man ‘good-night’, Chanyeol walked out of the living room toward his bedroom. Chanyeol entered his room quietly and looked at the sleeping faces of the two members he shared a room with before he made his way to his bed and sat down on his bed with a soft plush. Mix emotions surfaced into his subconscious while he tried to get comfortable laying on his bed. His feelings ranged from happiness to anger and every emotion in between. But the one emotion he couldn’t shake off was sadness. Chanyeol rubbed his chest as if soothing away the ache he felt. It was Kris’s birthday, how could he have forgotten? Chanyeol mentally kicked himself for forgetting the day that birth the one person he truly cared about. But then again, he doubt that Kris would make a big fuss about it, considering the circumstances. He probably had long forgotten about him, thought Chanyeol bitterly, since he was good at it nowadays.

Chanyeol reached for his phone inside his sweatpants pocket and turned it on, flinching slightly as the bright screen hit him hard. Opening one eye Chanyeol lightly dragged his finger across the screen and then back again as the brightness was lowered to a more setting. Opening his eyes more he started to tap on the screen opening up his music store app and scanned through the new music that had been released. He scrunched his eyebrows in confusion when he didn’t see what he was looking for; Kris’s new song. Maybe this is a sign he thought to himself, as a mixture of disappointment and relief washed over him you’re not ready to listen to it yet. Closing the app and shutting off his phone, Chanyeol placed his phone on the bedside table next to his bed, turned his back on his phone and pulled the duvet over his head. Shutting his eyes tightly, Chanyeol did his best and tried to let sleep take over him, but it didn’t come so easy for him. Especially when a certain someone plagued his mind like he usually did whenever Chanyeol thought about him.

 

(*)

 

Chanyeol sat upright when he heard his alarm go off, before groaning and laying back down pulling his pillow over his head to block out the annoying beeps that signaled that it was time to get up. Chanyeol could hear Baekhyun getting up from the sounds of his groans and him making an even louder ruckus then what the alarm clock was doing. He felt like he barely went to sleep when the alarm went off, he wasn’t ready to leave his warm comfy bed. Suddenly he felt something hit him hard on his back.

“Turn that stupid thing off!” growled Baekhyun “Ignoring it won’t make it go away.”

Chanyeol sat up and picked up the bottle of hand lotion that was thrown at him and threw it back on Baekhyun’s bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes while his hand reached for the alarm clock and turned it off. Yawning, Chanyeol reluctantly got out of bed staggered tiredly out of his room to his closet so he can decide what to wear for the day.

He stopped abruptly on his way when he saw his roommate and friend standing in the hallway talking in an excited whisper.

“So it’s really out?” Baekhyun asked excitedly

“Yeah,” whispered Tao “Lay ge told me about it this morning when we woke up.”

“I want to listen to it,” whispered Baekhyun

“I’ll let you listen to it in the van how’s that?” bargen Tao

Baekhyun nodded enthusiastically as Chanyeol walked up to them.

“Good morning hyung,” greeted Tao with a small smile

“Good morning Tao,” acknowledged Chanyeol

Baekhyun looked between the two tall rappers and coughed slightly before nudging Chanyeol playfully to get his attention.

“Did you hear that Kris’s new song came out last night?” asked Baekhyun with a soft smile

“Yeah, I heard.” Shrugged Chanyeol “Can I get by so I can get ready?”

“Have you listened to it yet hyung?” asked Tao cautiously

“No.” said Chanyeol simply

The wide eared man gently pushed the two aside and walked to his closet and started rummaging through his stuff trying to distract himself. Meanwhile Baekhyun and Tao stood by and watched Chanyeol, both exchanging worried looks.

Tao opened his mouth to say something to the other but was stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, he looked back and saw Baekhyun was the one that stopped him. Shaking his head gently Baekhyun silently told the younger that now wasn’t a good time to ask why the other had not listen to the song. Biting his lip then sighing Tao gave the shorter man a curt nod before he turned and left the hallway making his way toward the kitchen where the rest of the members were gathered for breakfast.

Baekhyun looked at his friends turned back and watched silently as Chanyeol continued to search for clothes. Having enough of the silence, Baekhyun cleared his throat and decided to speak his mind.

“I know it’s not really my place to say this but,” he started “aren’t you at least bit curious as to what he’s doing? I mean it’s been several months now Chanyeol. You need to let it go.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Said Chanyeol curtly as he focused on a pair of jeans in front of him. “And no I’m not curious.”

“Don’t lie to me,” sighed Baekhyun

“I’m not curious.” Said Chanyeol flatly, turning around to stare at his friend “As for letting it go, I did that months ago. So there really isn’t a reason for you to keep bringing it up.”

Baekhyun stared at his friend feeling disappointed in him. He could lie to everyone else for all he cared, the least his best friend could do was not lie to his face about his feelings.

“Forget it.” Mumbled Baekhyun before walking away.

Chanyeol watched his friend walk away from his and felt slightly guilty for being so cold to him, but at the same time Baekhyun crossed a line and he didn’t really appreciate that. Chanyeol looked down at the pair of jeans he picked out and put them back, he didn’t feel like wearing blue jeans today after all. His eyes caught his black torn skinny jeans pulled slightly out from the pile and shrugged his shoulders. He might as well wear something dark today, since it seemed to fit his mood a little. Pants in hand, Chanyeol grabbed whatever t-shirt that his hand could reach and shrugged again. Today is just not my day he thought to himself as he walked to the nearest empty bathroom so he can clean up and get ready for the day.

(*)

Chanyeol breathed heavily as he walked over to the corner of the practice room and found a comfortable place to sit in the corner. The rest of the members followed suit and split into small groups of two or sat by themselves like Chanyeol. After gulping down some much needed water, Chanyeol peeked around and saw Baekhyun and Tao were sitting together once again talking in the same excited tone like before. Chanyeol huffed at the scene and reached into his pocket and fished out his phone and decided to play a game to pass the time.

Engrossed in his word puzzle game he didn’t realize that someone came and sat down beside him, he finally snapped out of his concentration when he felt a gentle punch on his bicep and saw that it was Xiumin who decided to pay him a visit this time.

“How you feeling?” asked Xiumin as he opened his water bottle and took a sip

“I can feel the work out in my muscles,” commented Chanyeol “What about you?”

“Eh, it’s getting there.” Replied Xiumin and tilted his head toward the two sitting at the far end of the room “Those two sure are getting bonding with one another huh?”

Chanyeol looked over to where the was gesturing to and saw Baekhyun was putting a side of Tao’s headphone into his ear while the other mirrored his actions.

“Looks that way,” muttered Chanyeol “that’s good right?”

“Yeah it is,” agreed Xiumin taking another sip of his water “what about you?”

“What about me hyung?” asked Chanyeol looking at the other

“Have you listened to it yet?” asked Xiumin casually

“No,” replied Chanyeol looking down at his phone “Have you?”

“Nah,” answered Xiumin shrugging his shoulders “eventually I will though.”

“Yeah,” nodded Chanyeol looking away

“I’m just hesitant to be honest,” said Xiumin suddenly “I just don’t think it’s my place to listen to something he’s made when I’m still not sure how I really feel about, well everything.”

“Hmm?” said Chanyeol confused

“With what has happened,” started Xiumin “the past year, with what we had to go through as a group. We’ve come across a lot of obstacles and have been there for one another to overcome them. I’m just proceeding with caution. Yeah, a part of me is happy for him but another part is unwilling to accept it ya know?”

“Not really.” Said Chanyeol honestly

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hold a grudge for him leaving,” said Xiumin truthfully “I’m over that. But I don’t think the same holds true for you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Chanyeol, feeling suspicious about where this conversation is going

“I don’t think you’re over him leaving.” Said Xiumin simply “And there’s nothing wrong with that, we all deal with things differently. But I think, that once you listen to the song, maybe you will come to the conclusion of how you really feel about it is all.”

Chanyeol stared hard at the other member before he looked away and looked over to where his friends were sitting and saw how the two polar opposites interacted with one another and saw they had bonded over something that to him seemed very foreign to him. He saw Baekhyun take the headphone out of his ear and smile at Tao and nod his head in approval and Tao nodded back and said something to the other that Chanyeol couldn’t hear, not that he wanted to anyway.

“Who else has listened to it?” he wondered out loud

“So far Tao,” counted Xiumin “Joonmyun, Yixing, Chen, Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and that’s it as far as I know. I don’t know if Sehun or Jongin want to listen to it. If they already have, they are keeping quiet about it.”

“Which just leaves us,” said Chanyeol

“Yep.” Nodded Xiumin “Two that will listen eventually.”

Chanyeol smiled to himself and looked at the older man and saw that the other was looking everyone fondly, like an older brother would. Chanyeol stared back at his phone and didn’t say a word.

(*)

It was close to midnight when the group had returned to their dorms. As much as they wanted to all go and rest, they couldn’t. Tomorrow the boys were heading to China, which meant the rest of the night would be spent getting ready and finding outfits to wear for airport fashion. Chanyeol took this time to sneak into his room and take some time to himself.

Chanyeol gulped as he stared at his laptop and saw the page that he was dreading opening: Yi Fan’s MV “There’s a Place”. He stared hesitantly at it. Not sure if he was really ready to see what had been on his mind all day.

I got this far right? He thought to himself, you can do this. Just open it and listen. You can do that right?

Gathering his courage, he clicked on the video and closed his eyes as the paged automatically changed and a video popped up and began to load.

Soft piano music began to play.

Chanyeol opened his eyes as he heard the soft harmonic piano music played. He felt his breath hitched as he saw his beloved submersed in the clear water. He leaned closer and as the scene gently faded and he finally saw his face clearly. An audible gasp escaped his slightly gaped mouth as he heard that sweet gentle voice sing.

I can see your eyes gazing the horizon.

The corner of the street, that is empty, silently hugging that burning love.

Chanyeol gripped the side of his bed as he finally was able to hear that voice as clear as day, echo in his head. It was like he was caught in a dream, a dream that seemed not to long ago when he was sitting alone on his bed with Yi Fan joking around and feeling that the moment was so perfect that nothing was ever going to replace it.

Woo, I can hear your voice. (Hear your voice)

Woo, I can hear you in my mind.

Visions of the two spending quality time with one another flooded his mind. Sweet visions of when everything seemed to fit into place. It was only him and Yi Fan, taking a romantic stroll on a dark deserted walk way by the river. Holding hands and saying things that could only be said in those small moments of intimacy before they would have to return to the reality that they chose to be in as idols.

I remember your first look, remembering that molted time.

You were beside me, and I finally stopped wandering.

Chanyeol didn’t bother to stop the tears that were cascading down his cheeks, he was lost in the moment. Lost in hearing that sweet man’s voice singing the only way he knew how. And it broke his heart all over again hearing Yi Fan sing. Because it was not what he truly wanted to hear over his laptop, he’d rather have him here singing it in front of him.

I recall the familiar roads

Remembering the beautiful times that were lost.

If time stopped for a moment, it would tell the story of how the relationship started; from giving each other secret looks, nonverbal communication that the two seemed to know just by looks, stealing moments with each other while the outside world was oblivious to what was truly going on with them. To when the story got dodgy and abruptly ending with misread communication, holding back true feelings for the sake of not hurting the other, to arguments that the rest of the members did not seem to understand, and of course to ending something that Chanyeol thought was going to last a lifetime without an explanation of why.

There is a place,

Only you and I know.

Chanyeol didn’t realize when he had pushed his laptop on the rug below his bed as he folded up his knees and wrapped his arms around them as he clenched his eyes shut, stopping the tears slightly. He threw his head back and let it hit the wall behind him. It didn’t even faze him when he hit the wall, he was completely lost in himself to even care what the outside world was doing around him. He didn’t even notice that Kyungsoo had walked in and silently walked back out closing the door gently behind him as he saw Chanyeol breaking down emotionally.

“I hate you,” sobbed Chanyeol quietly “I hate you.”

My heart is beating, your gentle smile is secretly supporting me.

Chanyeol glared at the laptop on the floor and grabbed his pillow beside him and threw it at the glowing screen that was showing screen shots of the movie that had yet to come out. The pillow bounced off the screen and landed gently beside it, as if taunting him to see more of the video. Chanyeol stared down, not yielding and keeping his glare on his face.

Woo, I can hear your voice

Woo, you are (my) eternal heaven

A broken sob escaped the poor man’s throat as he heard the last part of the lyrics and curled up onto his bed while the tears that seemed never ending, escape his eyes and dampen the bed sheets.

I remember your first look, remembering that molted time.

You were beside me, and I finally stopped wandering.

Memories of first confessions flowed into his mind. He stood beside Yi Fan as they stared at the reflecting water and the lights that seemed to dance on top of it in a harmonious way. Chanyeol could recall feeling the nervousness in his chest as he snuck a glance at the guy next to him before he asked for his attention. He remembered how his heart skipped when he confessed his feelings for the other and how much of an idiot he felt when there was an awkward silence that followed his confession. Fearing that he had cross a line he shouldn’t have, he turned to leave when he heard a soft “Don’t go.” He could feel a gentle hand stopping him from leaving and asking him to stay. The memory blurred and they were back at the dorm sitting side by side when Yi Fan called for his attention and pointed at a drawing he did and quietly mumbled his confession before shyly kissing his cheek and getting up to go to his room. He also remembered smiling like an idiot and laying on his bed before he sent a quick text to the other boy simply stating “So, you wanna go out sometime?”

I recall the familiar roads

Remembering the beautiful times that were lost.

Chanyeol gripped his shirt above his chest and held onto it for dear life as he heard that deep voice whisper “I love you.” In a memory, but it was as if he heard it in present time. As if Yi Fan was right beside him and had tilted forward slightly and whispered it into his ear like he did the first time. His heart throbbed painfully at the memory. It was one of the sweetest memories that he held close to his heart, it was shortly after they had won MAMA’s New artist and Album of the year and the two had gotten some alone time to themselves. It was the first time anyone had ever said it to him and truly meant it outside his immediate family. He recalled looking at Yi Fan and whispered back “I love you, too”.

There is a place,

Only you and I know.

For some reason the memory of them walking along the Han River kept resurfacing in his mind. It was the only memory he could recall that the two ever truly shared with each other. Late nights of just walking side by side, grateful to the lack of people around, it was their little piece of heaven. A secret world meant only for them where no one could interrupt them. Perhaps it was because everything that had majorly happened, happened there. From sweet confessions to suspicions of what the other was doing.

Chanyeol could hear the chorus playing once more as he tried to shake off the unpleasant memory that was begging to make it appearance known. It was the last time they spent alone together. The two walked with some distance between each other. Negative emotions hung around them like a bad cold. Chanyeol remembered how he felt something was being hidden from him and he didn’t like that Yi Fan was being dishonest with him. No matter how much he tried to pry it out of him, Yi Fan wouldn’t yield and stubbornly kept repeating nothing was going on and Chanyeol needed to stop being paranoid all the time. Chanyeol thought back to how angry he felt when his questions weren’t met with answers and how he left the other alone on the sidewalk stating that if he wanted to be alone, he can be alone. It was shortly after that incident that Yi Fan didn’t come back from their concert in China with them, but stayed. A few days afterward, the lawsuit was filed and no matter how many times Chanyeol tried to reach out to him, Yi Fan never answered. It was then Chanyeol regretted what he had said to the other that night about leaving him alone. That’s when the heartbreak settled in and he broke down in front of the other members and cried.

Chanyeol looked up as the tempo of the song started to decrease and was replaced with Yi Fan’s soft voice. His soft voice luring him away from his position and beckoning him. Chanyeol stared at the fallen laptop as the song was slowly coming to an end.

I know, that only we know

Picking up the fallen electronic and placing it back on his bed, Chanyeol wiped the remaining tears from his face and stared at the blank screen. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried like that. His face felt puffy and his nose was congested. Yet surprisingly he felt a little better but at the same time hollow. Chanyeol closed his laptop and pushed it away from him before leaning forward and dropping his head into his awaiting hands, letting the silence fill the room.

(*)

Chanyeol wasn’t sure how long he stayed in that position, but it wasn’t long before the air in the room became suffocating to him and he realized he had to move. He needed to get away for a bit. He wasn’t sure if anyone had heard him or had walked in on him without his knowledge but the fact was he wasn’t ready to come out and admit that he had done what the other members had been waiting for him to do. Getting up from his bed, Chanyeol grabbed his jacket that was laying at the foot of his bed and walked out of the room.

(*)

The rest of the members were gathered in the kitchen when they saw Chanyeol walk by impatiently. They watched silently as the young man strode over where the keys to the vehicles were located and randomly grabbed one before swiftly walking to the door not before muttering “I’m going out.” And closed the door with a sharp snap.

Baekhyun glanced worriedly over to their leader, hoping the other had an idea of what they should do. Suho bit his lip unsure what to do or say as the rest of the members followed the singer’s actions and stared at him inquiring what he planned on doing. There was a pause before Sehun broke the silence.

“Where do you suppose he went?” he asked out loud

“I don’t know.” Mumbled Suho at a lost

“You don’t think he’s going to do something stupid, right?” asked Kai cautiously

Everyone shrugged.

“What’s got him bent out of shape anyway?” asked Chen as he went back to drinking his soft drink

“He finally listened to Kris’s song,” replied Kyungsoo quietly.

Everyone’s eyes were one Kyungsoo in a flash as the lead singer finished his sentence. His eyes widen as he stared at everyone.

“I accidently walked in on him listening to it,” admitted Kyungsoo nervously “I don’t think he even notice that I walked in.”

“Was he okay?” asked Baekhyun worriedly

“What do you think?” sighed Kyungsoo “He was…dealing with it.”

“I don’t think walking out at 12:30 in the morning is ‘dealing’ with it.” Replied Chen as he fiddled with the top of his soda can.

“He was going to have to deal with it eventually,” commented Tao quietly

“What should we do?” asked Lay “Should we go after him?”

“No,” said Suho at last “He needs to be alone right now, and I doubt he’d want to talk to any of us.”

Reluctantly everyone nodded and sat in silence, unaware that one of them had slipped away from the table and had walked into one of the bedrooms, his phone in hand.

(*)

Xiumin stared hesitantly down at his phone as his thumb hovered over the number he thought about calling. Is this a good idea? He wondered should I call him?

The baozi man hadn’t called this number once since he had received a call from it several months ago. He was only supposed to call when something had happened that required the other to know. The question was: Was this one of those moments? Xiumin lulled over the pros and cons in his head; the pros would be they would finally get to speak to each other. The con would be they would speak to each other. Xiumin shook his head and tapped the number and put the phone to his ear and anxiously bit his lip as he heard the other line ringing. It was after the second ring did he hear the other pick up.

“Yeah.”

“Yi Fan.”

“Minseok?” said the other curiously “How’s it going?”

“Good.” Replied Xiumin “Something’s happened.”

“What? What’s wrong?” said Yi Fan quickly “Is everyone okay?”

“Everyone’s fine,” assured Xiumin gently “It’s Chanyeol.”

“What’s wrong with Chanyeol?” asked Yi Fan worriedly “Is he okay? Is he alright? Is he hurt?”

“He,” stared Xiumin before biting his lower lip “is okay. He just finished listening to your song a while ago.”

“….”

“Are you still there?” asked Xiumin

“He listened to it.” said Yi Fan softly

“Yeah.” Replied Xiumin “But he’s gone. He left the dorm a few minutes ago and the guys are worried about him.”

“…”

“I think you should call him.” Said Xiumin seriously, moving the conversation forward since the other seemed inadequate at the moment.

“…”

“You still there?”

“I don’t think he would want to talk to me” Said Yi Fan quietly

“You never know.” Commented Xiumin hoping that his words would encourage the other.

“I wouldn’t know what to say to him if I did.”

“Tell him the truth.” Stated Xiumin “He deserves to know the truth Yi Fan.”

“What makes you think he will even want to listen to anything I have to say?” countered Yi Fan sadly

“He looked like he had been crying before he left.” Said Xiumin sternly, glaring at his hand in front of him.

“Are you blaming me for that?”

“Of course I’m blaming you!” Said Xiumin loudly, closing his hand into a fierce fist “It’s your fault he’s like this! You have no idea what your break up did to him! Do you know how painful it is to watch someone go through something like that? To watch someone want to fall apart, cry themselves to sleep silently, blame themselves for something they clearly didn’t do, and yet still put on a brave face and pretend that nothing ever happened? Let me tell you, it’s not just something ANYONE can do. But he did it! For you!”

“…”

“He’s not over it Yi Fan,” said Xiumin softly with a sigh “give him some closure. It’s the least you can do.”

“…”

“Please say something.” Whispered Xiumin sadly

“What makes you think that I’m over it?”

“What?”

-Click-

Xiumin stared at his phone in disbelief as he saw that his former leader had just hung up on him.

(*)

Part Two:

Chanyeol turned off the headlights as he entered the empty parking lot. Choosing a spot, Chanyeol parked his ride and looked around the area and saw there was not a soul around. Nodding his head in approval, Chanyeol tore off his face mask and readjusted his hat before getting out of the car.

The cool air hit his face gently, he smiled to himself as he stepped onto the sidewalk and started to walk along the trail that he had walked so many times. Chanyeol sighed as he felt himself begin to calm down being around the open space but more importantly there was no one around to pester him or ask him if he had listen to his former member’s new song.

Chanyeol kicked a pebble in front of him and watched it skid across the walkway. Chanyeol stopped walking and sighed for the ith time that night before he kept on walking. If anyone who walked by saw him would just see a young man that looked fine and was just talking a stroll along the riverbank, but on the inside Chanyeol felt miserable and heartbroken.

Why do I feel like this? He wondered why do, YOU make me feel like this?

Chanyeol rubbed his neck thoughtfully and bit his lower lip in concentration as he let his thoughts wander, giving up the idea that he was going to not let his thoughts depict how he felt. If his thoughts wanted to remind him of how pathetic his nonexistent love life had rose and fell like one big fat ‘kkaebsong’ then so be it.

“Man, I’m pathetic,” mumbled Chanyeol to himself with a bitter smile.

Chanyeol found himself near the pier and speed up his walking so he can be a little closer to the river. Once near the railings that prevented people from going over the ledge, Chanyeol leaned over the rail and took one deep breath and exhaled before drooping his posture and rested his head on his arms and stayed in that position.

“You know what the worst thing is?” he asked out loud. “It’s a brilliant song.”

Chanyeol hit his head lightly on the bar and looked at the river and watched the lights play along the surface of the water.

“It’s amazing.” Mumbled Chanyeol “Like the person who made it.”

Not that I’ll ever admit that to him or to anyone! He thought quickly they will think I still have feelings for him, which I don’t! Chanyeol scoffed and sat up straighter Yeah keep telling yourself that. Rolling his eyes, the happy virus stared out at the vast river.

“Why are you so good at everything hyung?” he mumbled out loud “Why can’t you be bad at something for once?”

Chanyeol felt his heart clench gently as he said the last sentence. His eyes got misty as he stared at nothing in particular. Yeah, it still hurt. But not as much as before. In Chanyeol’s eyes, he was always great and will probably stay like that for the rest of his life.

“If your song had , maybe I wouldn’t miss you.” He said to himself with a smile “But it doesn’t . And I still miss you, more if possible.”

Chanyeol stared up at the light polluted sky and smiled a small smile.

“Where are you hyung?” he asked out loud

Suddenly his phone rang, snapping out of his thoughts he dug into his jacket pocket surprised that he had even brought his phone when he as rushing out of the dorm. He stared down at the “Unknown Number” that was calling him.

Chanyeol wasn’t an idiot. But he was also curious. Sliding his thumb across the screen he put the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“…Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol felt his heart thump hard in his chest, while his knees got weak and his head get lightheaded when he heard his name. He had not heard his name from that voice in so long, he had almost forgotten what it felt like. There was only one person that made him feel like this whenever they said his name.

“K-Kris?” whispered Chanyeol

All emotions came rushing back to Chanyeol like a semi-truck. Everything that he had felt for the other; down to when he first laid eyes on him to when he listened to the song in his bedroom alone. Chanyeol gripped the railing in front of him as he tried to steady himself. He breathed heavily as he felt the air escaping his lungs so he couldn’t catch it as his heart rate picked up.

“Hey,” said Yi Fan gently

“H-hey yourself,” said Chanyeol quietly, trying to keep his voice steady

“How have you been?”

“Good.” Replied Chanyeol simply

“That’s good.” Said Yi Fan lightly

“H-how have you been hyung?” asked Chanyeol

“I’ve been good as well.”

“That’s good.” Nodded Chanyeol.

An awkward silence enveloped Chanyeol where he stood. Grabbing his hat and readjusting it out of habit whenever he felt nervous or anxious, Chanyeol waited for the other to speak. Because honestly he didn’t trust himself to speak right now.

“I made a new song,” said Yi Fan

“I heard,” replied Chanyeol biting his lip “Congratulations hyung, you deserve it.”

“Thanks,” said Yi Fan

“The hyungs have listen to it,” offered Chanyeol “I think Baekhyun hyung likes it a lot.”

“Is that so?” said Yi Fan casually “What about you?”

“Hmm?” hummed Chanyeol as he fiddled with his zipper “What about me?”

“Do you like it?” asked Yi Fan coyly “The song I mean.”

“I haven’t heard it yet.” Lied Chanyeol

“Y-you haven’t?” asked Yi Fan stunned

“Nope.” Said Chanyeol mildly

“But I thought-“stared Yi Fan

“You thought what exactly?” said Chanyeol crossly

“I was told that you had listened to it already and you left the dorm so I was worried,” sputtered Yi Fan

“Who told you that?” demanded Chanyeol

“Don’t worry about who told me,” said Yi Fan slightly peeved

“Who told you I listened to it?” repeated Chanyeol

“Don’t worry about it.” Said Yi Fan firmly

“You’re an ,” said Chanyeol angrily

“Excuse me?” asked Yi Fan

“You can talk to them,” exasperated Chanyeol “But you can’t even do that for me. Who have you been talking to this whole time, that you can’t take a little time to call me?”

“Chanyeol-“

“You know what, I don’t even want to know.” Interrupted Chanyeol, feeling the anger rise in his chest

“It’s not like that.” Sighed Yi Fan

“It’s not like what?” asked Chanyeol “Because from where I’m standing it’s like this; you left me. You never bothered to call me, or tell me that you were leaving. You just left. And you have the gall to still talk to someone in our group and that someone is not even me. Which makes me wonder hyung, why the hell do you even care if I listen to your song?”

“Chanyeol-“

“Is this a joke to you?” continued Chanyeol “Do you get some twisted satisfaction wanting to know how I feel about something that you do? Do want to know that you still affect me? Is that why you want to know if I listen to your song? Do you want to know that even after all this time, you still make me feel things that no one does? Because if you do hyung, that’s down right cruel.”

“…”

“Why do you do this to me?” pleaded Chanyeol sadly “Why is it so hard for you to talk to me instead of asking around about what is going on with me?”

“Because,” said Yi Fan quietly

“Why because?” probed Chanyeol “please tell me.”

“I’m afraid.” Whispered Yi Fan so quietly that if Chanyeol wasn’t listening he might not have caught it.

“Why are you afraid?” asked Chanyeol “Are you afraid of me?”

“I’m afraid,” said Yi Fan softly “That if I called you, I would have came back and I would have stayed with you.”

“What is so hard about you staying with me?” asked Chanyeol, tears in his eyes

“I can’t stay with you right now.” Said Yi Fan quietly sadness in his voice

“Why not?” begged Chanyeol

“There are something’s I have to do,” said Yi Fan “before I can come back to you.”

“What kind of things? Why can’t you tell me those things?” asked Chanyeol “I can help you. We can do this together.”

“This is something I have to do alone,” said Yi Fan calmly “I’m sorry, Chanyeol.”

“Don’t say that,” croaked Chanyeol “please don’t say that.”

Chanyeol blinked and felt the tears from before were falling down his face. He whimpered softly as he tried to get his voice under control and the tears out of his eyes.

“I miss you,” said Yi Fan quietly “I miss you so much, I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Come back to me,” whispered Chanyeol

“I can’t.”

Chanyeol felt his already shattered heart, shatter all over again as the cry he was trying to contain broke free from his throat as he hung up his phone and fell to the ground. He let out a choked scream and hit his fist on the concrete ground below him. He kept hitting till he saw scratches beginning to form.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, and he didn’t care. When his tears had all dried up he finally picked himself off the ground and stumbled the parking lot and got in the car and drove away.

(*)

Chanyeol snuck back inside the dorm holding his shoes as he walked across the floor and tucked them inside his little shoe closet then set off to his room where both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun were fast asleep. Chanyeol sat down on his bed and looked at his clock on his phone 3:11 it read. Sighing inaudibly he plugged his phone in and laid down on his bed, not caring to change. Closing his eyes, Chanyeol drifted off to sleep.

Chanyeol was woken before he knew it, he looked around and saw the others were quickly getting ready.

“You better shower quickly,” commented Baekhyun “We leave for Inchon in an hour.”

Chanyeol nodded his head and got up and left the bedroom.

(*)

The rest of the day was a blur for him. He barely remembers leaving the dorm, arriving at the airport and getting on the plane and landing before being whisked away once again and sitting front of flashing cameras. He wasn’t even sure if they performed or not. He was so out of it that he just kept to himself and went on auto pilot. Before he knew it, he was alone in his hotel room. He looked around and saw that no one else was with him. Unsure, he took out his phone and texted Baekhyun

Where did you guys go??

We went to dinner, sorry. We will get you something to eat.

Okay, cool.

Chanyeol threw his phone on the bed and laid down next to it.

(*)

Yi Fan glared at the message Minseok had sent him earlier that day.

Whatever you did, fix it.

Five words, that was all. He tried asking for more information but the older man didn’t reply back.

What did that boazi mean anyway? Fix what exactly?

As Yi Fan pondered these questions all day, he finally got a clue when his former member sent him another text that just had an address and a room number and nothing more. Knowing that he other wouldn’t give him any more information, Yi Fan reluctantly decided to go where the address told him to.

(*)

Yi Fan found himself in front of the hotel. He looked around and saw lots of fans standing around the entrance and knew he wouldn’t be able to enter through there. He found the back entrance and waited for someone to open the door. When a housekeeper finally did, he quickly rushed inside and made for the elevator. Pushing the floor number, Yi Fan leaned against the wall and waited.

When it finally reached the designated floor, Yi Fan stepped out only to be greeted by body guards that was when it finally dawned on him. His ex-group members were staying here. Yi Fan bowed his head and greeted them. He then pulled out his phone and said that he was here to see the group.

“They all went to dinner I’m afraid.”

“Oh I see,” muttered Yi Fan

“But Chanyeol is in his room resting if you want to see him and wait for the others to return.”

Yi Fan ran his fingers through his head and thought for a bit before he nodded and was pointed to the room where the other was currently residing. Walking up to the door, Yi Fan nervously knocked and waited for Chanyeol to open the door.

(*)

Chanyeol twitched and sat up when he heard a knock at the door. Who could that be? He wondered as he lazily got up and staggered to the door and opened it.

“Who is it?” asked Chanyeol tiredly before he looked up

Chanyeol felt the blood drain for him face as he came face to face with Yi Fan.

“What are you doing here?” asked Chanyeol quickly

“I don’t know.” Admitted Yi Fan “Can I come in?”

Not sure what provoked him to do so, Chanyeol willingly stepped aside and opened the door more as Yi Fan stepped inside the room. Closing the door behind him Chanyeol walked ahead of Yi Fan and entered the room. Walking over to the table in the corner he sat down in one of the chairs and stared at Yi Fan who stood in the middle of the room.

“You want to sit down?” asked Chanyeol nervously

“I’m good.” Replied Yi Fan

“Okay.” Nodded Chanyeol patting his knees

Awkwardness filled the air immediately as the two stared at each other in silence, not sure what to say to each other. Chanyeol squirmed in his seat under Yi Fan’s intense stare. Was it just him or was it getting difficult to breathe?

Coughing nervously Chanyeol broke his stare and got up from his seat and walked over to where his bag was at and sat down on the bed and started to dig for nothing in particular inside his bag, just to do something his hands that seemed to be shaking at the moment.

“About last night,” said Yi Fan at last breaking the silence

“What about it?” asked Chanyeol gruffly not looking up?

“We didn’t get to finish what we were talking about.” Stated Yi Fan coming to stand in front of Chanyeol.

“We don’t have to finish it,” Mumbled Chanyeol. “Just drop it.”

“You know I can’t do that.” Replied Yi Fan “You deserve an explanation.”

“That’s okay,” said Chanyeol curtly “you don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“Can you look at me at least?” asked Yi Fan wearily

“Why?” asked Chanyeol glaring at his bag

“Because I want to see your face.” Answered Yi Fan

“Look up my face.” Retorted Chanyeol

“Chanyeol,” said Yi Fan crossly

Feeling the intensity coming off his exmember, Chanyeol got up from where he was sitting to escape it and walked over to the table once again, keeping his gaze focused on the ground. He was stopped halfway when he felt the other grab his arm.

“Let go hyung,” mumbled Chanyeol

“Not until you look at me.” Said Yi Fan seriously

Chanyeol bit his lower lip and tried to pull back his arm but found that impossible as Yi Fan’s grip got stronger. Growling under his breath Chanyeol reached out and pushed the other away. His push didn’t faze the other which made Chanyeol frustrated and he pushed the other harder, Yi Fan took a step back but it wasn’t enough to satisfy Chanyeol; Yi Fan had not let go of his arm.

“Let go.” Said Chanyeol dangerously

Chanyeol pushed the other with all his strength, hoping that his point would get across. But Yi Fan stood his ground and pulled the other closer. Chanyeol snarled and tried to pull away, when he couldn’t pull away, Chanyeol clenched his fist in his free hand and started to hit the other anyplace he could reach. But still Yi Fan did nothing to prevent himself from getting hurt but kept pulling the other closer to him.

“Stop it!” snarled Chanyeol “Let go of me!”

Yi Fan grabbed his other hand as it almost came into contact to his face and guided the other toward him.

“Look at me Chanyeol.” Said Yi Fan quietly

“No!” said Chanyeol loudly “Let me go!”

“Look at me and I’ll let go.” Replied Yi Fan gently

“No! Stop it!” cried Chanyeol “Let me go!”

Don’t look at him!  He screamed in his head if you look, you lose! Chanyeol clenched his eyes as he felt himself brush against Yi Fan’s chest.

“Look at me Wo de ai,” whispered Yi Fan

“Shut up!” whimpered Chanyeol “Don’t call me that!”

“Wo de ai,”

Chanyeol opened his eyes as he felt arms being wrapped around him, arms that only held him in his dreams. A choked sob escaped Chanyeol’s lips as he felt his body give in, despite his brain sending red flags. His defenses were coming down at being held the way he liked to be held; one arm around his shoulders the other around his waist. Chanyeol blinked back the tears as he felt his fingers grip the shirt in front of him and pulled it closer to him. He inhaled and felt his heart race as the familiar smell of Yi Fan’s cologne hit his senses, it was still the same as it had always been.

“Kris,” whimpered Chanyeol as he buried his face into the crook of the other’s neck.

“Chanyeol.” Whispered Yi Fan into his ears

“Kris.” Repeated Chanyeol as he let his tears fall.

Yi Fan pulled the other closer to him and hugged him tighter fearing the other would pull away. Chanyeol still felt the same, his wiry built molded perfectly into Kris tall stature. His arms rested perfectly on his shoulders, his head rested in the exact place that was comfortable for Yi Fan. His smell was still the same as ever, woodsy with a hint of citrus. Oh how many times did he dream of him and wished he could hold him like this? It was like he was in a dream once again, but he knew he wasn’t. Because in his dreams he never made Chanyeol cry, and here was his love; crying because of him.  Yi Fan closed his eyes and nuzzled the side of Chanyeol’s face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered “I made you cry again.”

“I’m not crying,” breathed Chanyeol

“Your making my shirt wet,” commented Yi Fan gently

“That’s just me drooling on you.” Answered Chanyeol.

Yi Fan smiled and reached up and touched the other’s hair and ran his fingers through it. Still the same he thought happily

“Won’t you look at me Chanyeol?” asked Yi Fan softly

“I lied.” Muttered Chanyeol.

“What did you lie about?” asked Yi Fan sweetly

“About not listening to your song.” Said Chanyeol in a low voice “I did listen to it.”

“I know you did.” Said Yi Fan with a smile “Want to know a little secret?”

“What?” asked Chanyeol looking up slightly still not looking at the other?

“I thought about you when singing it.” Confessed Yi Fan

Chanyeol felt his cheeks warm up slightly, when he heard that.

“N-no you didn’t.” said Chanyeol nervously

“Yes I did.” Said Yi Fan confidently “You don’t believe me?”

“No.” said Chanyeol with a small smile.

“I’m being sincere here,” said Yi Fan touchy

“So? you want a medal or something?” said Chanyeol sarcastically

“No,” said Yi Fan with a huff “I just want one thing.”

“Which is?” asked Chanyeol

“You looking at me.”  Responded Yi Fan

Chanyeol felt his heart thump hard in his chest, he inwardly groaned when he heard Yi Fan chuckled at the feeling. Blushing slightly, Chanyeol swallowed his pride and slowly pulled away and finally looked up at his former boyfriend.

Chanyeol was only able to only look at the other for a brief moment before he felt the other’s lips on his. Chanyeol gasped at the contact, it was like an electric spark. A spark that once hit, rushed through his body and he felt himself get warm from the inside out. His knees became weak and his heart erratically sped up. Chanyeol wrapped his arms around Yi Fan’s neck and pulled him closer which the other gladly obliged. Chanyeol pulled back for a moment and looked up and stared at Yi Fan

“I missed you.” He whispered softly

“I missed you more,” the other replied sweetly.

Chanyeol leaned forward and kissed the other once more.

(*)

Baekhyun tiptoed into the room and saw Chanyeol laying on the bed sleeping. Walking over to the table, he placed the take-out food he had brought the other before he went and sat down on the bed next to the sleeping giant and observed the other’s features. Chanyeol had a small smile on his face, he looked peaceful. Something Baekhyun hadn’t seen in a long time, smiling fondly the other reached out and brushed the bangs out of Chanyeol’s forehead.

“You must be having a good dream,” he whispered to Chanyeol softly “sweet dreams ‘Yeolie.”

Getting up from the bed quietly, Baekhyun walked into the bathroom and decided to get ready for bed.

(*)

Chanyeol woke up in the middle of the night and looked around and saw Baekhyun was fast asleep in his own bed. His eyes scanned the room till he saw the plastic bag that held his dinner. Feeling his stomach growl, Chanyeol quietly got out of bed and tiptoed over to his food.

As he did so, he recalled the conversation he had with Yi Fan before the other left:

“Are you going to tell me why you left?” asked Chanyeol quietly

The two sat on the floor beside the bed and leaned against each other, holding hands, taking advantage of what little time they had left.

“The less you know the better,” said Yi Fan gently “But it’s not like I’m going to be gone forever.”

“When are you going to come back?” inquired Chanyeol looking at the other

“I don’t know,” said Yi Fan truthfully

Chanyeol sighed and rested his head on the other’s shoulder. He was expecting those answers.

“You’ll know in time don’t worry.” Assured Yi Fan patting the others thigh

“But I’m in the dark.” Mumbled Chanyeol

“Not for long.” Replied Yi Fan “Just trust me. I got this.”

Chanyeol looked up and saw the other was looking at him.

“Okay,” replied Chanyeol “I trust you.”

“Good.” Nodded Yi Fan

The two sat in silence once again.

 

Chanyeol nibbled on the noodles of his dinner and stared out the window. The lights reminded him of the way the lights danced on the river back at home. Chanyeol opened the curtain more and took in the splendor of the city he was staying in for the night. Somewhere out there, there was someone who knew him inside and out. If he had to wait forever for him to come back, he knew that he would. Because if he took the time to look, there were places that only they knew, places that time stood still for them.

 

-The End-

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