They sit side by side, knees almost touching each other. He glances to her, attempting to go inside her mind – to understand her because he feels so distant, like he is a stranger towards her, not her boyfriend.

“Stop staring at me.” Joohyun hisses, crossing her arms defensively in front of her, frowning as she continues to stare at the white wall.

She knows it is not right for her to snap at her boyfriend, but she could not help it. She feels empty yet her mind feels like an encyclopaedia. Her fingers fidget nervously in her lap, eyes staring at the same spot for the past five minutes.

“Let me in.” He begs, holding her hand as hard as he could without crushing her bones.

However, Joohyun’s face shows no change in expressions, causing uproar in Yonghwa’s mind, not knowing what he should do to help her. Should he just give up right now? Should he leave her alone? Should he stay?

So many questions yet there is no answer that would benefit both of them. Every decision he makes, will cause an impact, either good or bad on each person.

“Let’s go there!” Joohyun screams with delight, taking Yonghwa’s arm into hers.

Yonghwa knows she is putting up an act, an act he has seen too many times. She will proceed to pretend that everything is alright, that she has no intention in killing herself. Yonghwa has too much experience with her to trust her façade of happiness. Not that he blames her for it, or anyone. It is the depression in her head, slowly destroying her bit by bit.

He gives her a small smile as she runs towards the swing set. She ignores her handbag which she dropped a few seconds, knowing Yonghwa would be there to get it for her. This dependence on Yonghwa is unhealthy yet he supports it. That way, he would at least feel useful around her, not feeling like some lamp post whenever she talks about the pain in her heart.

His smile drops as soon as he sees the pack of razors in her bag, quickly glancing up to make sure she is not looking in his way as he sneaks the pack into his back pocket.

He lets out a sigh of relief, hoping that she will live another day by choice.

Yonghwa sits in the center chair between his girlfriend and her counsellor, not knowing what to say or do as the two exchanges words back and forth. He feels left out, despite his efforts to help her, Joohyun has never responded positively to him, always shutting him out.

“I don’t understand why Yonghwa is still with me.” He looks up at hearing his name, glancing at Joohyun.  

“If my friends could leave me like that, why can’t him? I’ve been friends with Yoona for almost ten years, and she left me because she could no longer take any of my ‘depressed ’.” She says, hands shaking in her lap as the tears fall.

“You know I’m nothing like that, right?” He replies before he realises it.

Joohyun turns to him, cold eyes staring into his. “That’s what they all say in the beginning.”

Yonghwa is at a loss for words again.

To: Yong ♡ [SENT: 0500 HOURS]

i’m sorry

He sits beside her, bringing her closer to him as her breathing becomes slow and steady. He swears Joohyun drives him crazy yet he is still in love with her, with everything she does.

“It’s not your fault.” He whispers to her.

There is sometimes where he realises that Joohyun is not in control in her actions or her words, to the extent where she would hurl curses at him, something she would never do, especially to the one who has loved her unconditionally for years without wanting anything in return.

She always apologises after every one, but he is not sure if he can take any more of it.

Joohyun stares at her reflection through the dirty mirror, raising her stained fingers to her own face, pushing her hair out of her face. She stays still, watching herself silently. She wonders where the previous she had gone.

The one that did not had to depend on anti-depressants every morning to get through the day. The one that did not had to depend on sleeping tablets for four hours of sleep. Where did she go?

Her therapist had told her to stop pitying herself. Unlike her counsellor or psychiatrist, her therapist is a much harsher person, one to tell her to take control of her own life. How could she take control of her life when she could not even control her own mind and thoughts?

“I can’t live without you.” Yonghwa confesses, as the two sit by the bench in a nearby park. “I will never let you go. I do get tired, but I am human, you can’t blame me for that. I will never let you give up.”

“Isn’t that selfish?” Joohyun snaps, “Making me go through hell each day just so you can get your two seconds of self-appreciation? Yonghwa, I am in pain.”

“I am too, okay?” He replies, grabbing her by the shoulders. “I hate watching you suffer, but all I can do is watching you from the sidelines. You’re destroying yourself and I can’t do anything about it.”

“What am I supposed to do now?”

“Live.”

Joohyun giggles, throwing the book in Yonghwa’s face. They might get kicked out from the library for playing around but they had no care in the world. Yonghwa looks at his girlfriend, alive and breathing.

“Okay, we should really get down and study now.” Joohyun tells him, grabbing her notebook from his hands, straightening the pages out while Yonghwa takes his own notes out.

“Thank you.” Yonghwa says, taking her hand into his.

Joohyun laughs, eyes twinkling as he lets go of her hand.

“How are you today, Joohyun?” Her psychiatrist asks her, flipping through her file.

“What do you think? All I do every day is pretending that I’m not hurting so I wouldn’t hurt my boyfriend’s feelings.”

Her psychiatrist places his pen down, asking her to elaborate further.

“I want to die, and I’m afraid he won’t be there to help me.”