He has always known he was different.

 

When the boys in his class pulled girls’ ponytails in an attempt to show fondness, Chanyeol watches rom-com dramas with his sister, Yoora.

 

Whenever Yifan receives presents from the girls in his class on Valentines day, no one knew that he already received a box of chocolates from Chanyeol on their way to school.

 

Yifan doesn’t notice the way Chanyeol’s eyes light up when he sings him ‘Happy Birthday’, or how Chanyeol’s face filled with pride even when Yifan’s voice starts cracking somewhere between 6^th and 7^th grade.

 

But he does notice his female classmates when they come back to school after summer vacation with straight teeth and long silky hair.

 

Chanyeol doesn’t compare himself to the girls Yifan looks at.

 

His teeth has been straight and neatly aligned since birth and his soft hazel locks doesn’t lose out to Nana’s straight, black hair.

 

He knows what Yifan thinks of hi: a friend—maybe best friends but they were never more than that.

 

As the numbers on the wall marking Chanyeol’s growing height change, so do Chanyeol and Yifan

 

 

 

March 2009, 4 P.M

 

Somewhere during their last year in middle school, Chanyeol starts to distance himself from Yifan.

 

It’s a free period and Chanyeol absorbs himself in the new volume of Naruto while Yifan stares into space.

 

The latter shakes his head and clears his throat, “Nana asked me out this morning.”

 

Chanyeol looks up from his comic book. “What did you say?”

 

“That I’ll think about it? She’s pretty cute but I don’t know.” Yifan says, shrugging. “What do you think I should do?”

 

Chanyeol stares into his dark eyes and it feels like time has stopped.

 

What will Chanyeol do? He’s always with me and she’ll feel awkward.

 

He clears his throat and gives Yifan the biggest smile he can fake, “I say go for it man. You’re always stuck with me—it’s getting annoying.”

 

 

 

October 2012, 9:34 P.M

If there is one thing Chanyeol can’t wait to get away from, it’s the night revision sessions for seniors. (Something about preparing them for the college entrance exams but Chanyeol thinks it’s bull.)

 

A loud boom sounds and Chanyeol stirs in his sleep. Baekhyun kicks his desk and Chanyeol groggily rubs his eyes.

 

 Smudged ink finds its place on his cheeks and Baekhyun looks at him excitedly.

 

“Class F’s Yifan is in a fight with Yoon Sang, wanna come watch?” Chanyeol doesn’t get to reject because Baekhyun is already dragging him out of the classroom.

 

They make their way to the forming crowd and Chanyeol groans inwardly when he sees a head of blonde popping out from the crowd.

 

“And I thought I was so over that,” he mutters under his breath and places his palm over his chest.

 

“Shut up and watch the god damn fight.” Baekhyun shuts up him.

 

Yoon Sang lands a hard punch on Yifan’s jaw and Chanyeol’s heart drops.

 

He can’t do this.

 

The wall that he built after he left Yifan is slowly melting and he knows he won’t be able to control himself once it’s down.

 

“I need to piss,” Chanyeol says and glances at the two fighters before leaving the crowd. 

 

 

He heads back to class and grabs his bag before leaving the school compound. He’s had enough for tonight.

 

 

 

 

The next morning Baekhyun socks him in the face with his smelly gym socks and he dramatically falls over.

 

A couple of girls walking past laugh at them and whisper amongst themselves.

 

“He’s kind of cute,” one of the them whispers, loud enough that Baekhyun and Chanyeol can overhear.

 

The one with the ponytail smacks her friend and says, “He’s also gay—AKA untouchable.”

 

 

Baekhyun gawks at them. “Why don’t they ever call me cute?” he grumbles and Chanyeol pats his friend’s back.

 

“Probably because you’re gay as .” Chanyeol laughs at his own joke like it’s the funniest thing in the world.

 

Chanyeol’s face meets Baekhyun’s smelly gym socks for the second time. “You’re the one that prefers over ,”

 

 

 

 

“Yeol,” he calls and the said boy plops next to him. “Where did you disappear to last night?”

 

Chanyeol shrugs, “I didn’t felt like studying anymore so I went back home early.”

 

 

 

 

October 2009, 5 P.M

 

Yifan is still stuck in detention and Chanyeol has been ‘ordered’ by him to wait for him. He sits at the bench and looks off into space.

 

He has his headphones on—hearing the thoughts of everyone that he makes eye contact with isn’t exactly the best thing ever—horrible dubstep plays loudly.

 

It’s been months since Yifan got together with Nana.

 

Chanyeol gives them the privacy Yifan secretly wants. He has other friends besides Yifan. Jongdae shoots his jokes down with sassy remarks and Minseok gives him food when he feels hungry in the middle of a lesson. But even though that’s funny and comforting, he misses Yifan.

 

So when Yifan came up to him and told him to wait till his detention ended, he couldn’t say no.

 

 

 

Yifan runs towards him with a wide smile and Chanyeol can feel his heart doing somersaults.

 

Yifan stretches his back and groans, “I can’t believe they still give out detention slips on the last day of school.”

 

Chanyeol nods and shrugs. “Technically we’ve already graduated so there’s no point.”

 

“I know right!?”

 

Yifan rolls his eyes and kicks the stray can.

 

 

They enter the subway station and waits for their train.

 

“So,” Yifan begins, “You’ve been avoiding me.” He has a little frown on his face and Chanyeol thinks it’s the cutest ugly frown ever.

 

‘Yeah I have,’ is what Chanyeol wants to reply but he just shrugs and looks away.

 

He can see their train coming out of the tunnel.

 

Yifan enters the train and glances back at Chanyeol who’s rooted to the ground.

 

 “What? Aren’t you coming?”

 

“I left something at school,” he fibs.

 

“The train door will be closing. Please stay away from the track and be mindful of the gap.” The automated sound system informs and Chanyeol closes his eyes.

 

If he doesn’t get off, I’ll give up. If he does, I won’t.

 

Chanyeol only opens his eyes when the train fully leaves the station.

 

His breathing is shaky.

 

A single tear slides down from his warm eyes. He scoffs and bites his lips—he isn’t crying—his palms cover his face and he scrubs his face furiously because he is not crying.

 

 

Yifan sends him a text that night.

 

To: Yoda

From: Galaxy

sry i had to go first found your thing?

 

Chanyeol takes a glance at his phone before switching it off.

 

June 2012, 8:30 P.M

 

It’s another casual Friday at the diner Chanyeol works at. He sits at the counter and Kyungsoo bring him a bowl of the daily soup—free meal that comes with the pay. (because part-timers get paid too little)

 

“I love you,” Chanyeol makes smooching noises and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

 

Jongdae, who’s been sweeping the floor since seven thirty, sits down beside Chanyeol and steals his spoon.

 

He screeches and elbows Jongdae’s stomach and the latter groans in pain.

 

Kyungsoo’s right eye twitches in annoyance as Chanyeol reaches for the mushroom soup and slurps obnoxiously.

 

“Park Chanyeol, I swear on Junmyeon’s s and handcuffs, that if you don’t stop making those noises, I will personally shove his whole collection up your nostrils.” Kyungsoo threateningly points his knife at Chanyeol.

 

Jongdae gasps dramatically, “Not his toys!”

 

 

There is a pointed silence before Junmyeon has a coughing fit.

 

 

“How do you get your hands on toys when you’re barely legal,” Chanyeol softly asks and Jongdae chortles.

 

“Not telling.” he winks and Kyungsoo pretends to barf.

 

Yifan enters with members of the basketball team, his arm wrapped around a girl’s waist

 

“Hey,” Jongdae says and elbows Chanyeol in the ribs, causing the latter to cough out his mushroom soup.

 

“Isn’t that your ex boyfriend?”

 

Chanyeol’s eyes follow and flushes red, “No, that’s my ex friend.” he explains and pretends to be nonchalant about seeing Yifan with a pretty girl.

 

He doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care.

 

Kyungsoo grabs his spoon and points at Yifan’s table, “Go get their orders. My mom’s not paying you good money for you to laze around.”

 

“5 000 won per hour isn’t good money,” Chanyeol mutters under his breath.

 

“What did you say!?” Kyungsoo hollers and Chanyeol cowers in fear.

 

The laughter at the table dies down when he clears his throat. “May I get your order?”

 

His genius pretend-that-they’re-not-school-people plan backfires when a boy with jet black hair recognizes him.

 

“Hey, you’re Chan… Chan?” he tilts his head and Chanyeol pops a vein. “It’s Chanyeol, and may I get your order?”

 

“Ah yes, Chanyeol!” He exclaims claps his hands like a little kid and watches Yifan’s reaction.

 

 “I knew you looked familiar, you’re the kid in the photo that Yifan has on his night stand!”

 

Yifan spits out the water he’s drinking and Chanyeol’s eyes widen in amazement.

 

The pretty girl that Yifan has his hand wrapped around helps him dab his mouth and Chanyeol stands there awkwardly.

 

“Um… so your order?”

 

Chanyeol goes back into the kitchen with the orders and he feels like he lost 10 years in just several minutes waitering.

 

“You know that guy with the eyebrows?” Kyungsoo asks, pointing with his chin, “He’s been staring at you since you asked for their orders. You know him?”

 

Chanyeol shrugs. “Yeah, we used to be friends back in junior high.”

 

Kyungsoo smirks and smacks his head with the tray, “Don’t lie to me punk, you guys had something going on before right?”

 

Chanyeol yelps, “No!”

 

Kyungsoo stares at him, his expression a derisive sneer. Chanyeol can hear the unsaid, ‘Yeah right.

 

Chanyeol groans because Kyungsoo knows about his mind reading ability and uses this to his advantage.

 

“Fine I liked him back then. So can you do me a favour and deliver their orders in my place?”

 

He continues to stare.

 

Chanyeol groans once more and pleas more. “I’ll take out the trash for you!” Kyungsoo smiles sadistically.

 

“Kyungsoo is the devil.” Jongdae pretend-whispers and Kyungsoo gives him the finger.

 

Jongdae makes suggestive eyebrow movements at him. “I heard about your thing with Yifan.”

 

Chanyeol complains loud.“What’s with you people!?”

 

Kyungsoo enters the kitchen with a chuckle. “Your ex crush’s eyes were this huge,” he demonstrates with his own eyes, “and I think he was looking for you.”

 

Jongdae makes annoying kissing noises and Chanyeol moans, covering his face with his hands.

 

“If you keep doing that, people are going to think we’re doing something to you.” Jongin butts in.

 

Kyungsoo motions Jongdae to come over and the two of them surrounds Chanyeol, beaming.

 

“Tell us everything,” Jongdae demands and Kyungsoo brings up the spatula in his hand.

 

Chanyeol thinks he has satanic twins for co-workers.

 

 

 

 

That is how he ends up telling Jongdae and Kyungsoo— Junmyeon as well, who pretends like he isn’t listening from his corner—their back story.

 

Chanyeol shrugs. “Nothing special, childhood friends. Been together since we went to the same kindergarten, and things continued from there, I guess.”

 

Jongdae rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Yeah no one cares, tell us about the part where you fell for him!”

 

Chanyeol makes a face before continuing.

 

“I knew he wasn’t into boys and I didn’t want him to judge.” He shrugs again.

 

“Don’t stop, the diner’s open the whole ing night, we need to know every single detail.” Kyungsoo commands and Chanyeol sighs.

 

 

 

July 2012, 4 P.M

 

Dear

Yifan,

 

I don’t know why I’m doing this but hi I guess. It’s been a long time and I miss you a lot. I don’t think you know how much but it hurts to even look at you because I still like you a lot but I don’t have the courage to read your thoughts. I doubt they’ve changed since then and I don’t expect anything more. I’ll keep these one-sided feelings till the end of high school. Bye for now.

 

 

 

He folds the paper into half and carefully places it in his file. He shakes his head in disapproval. That thing is not going anywhere near Yifan.

 

 

 

As days pass by, the number of letters in his file increases and sometimes he confuses them for homework assignments, almost handing them in.

 

No one knows about this besides him, and then Baekhyun when he tried to put his stash of inside his file but found a stack of unsent letters.

 

 

“Shh! Hear that?” Baekhyun looks up from his textbook one day in the library.

 

Chanyeol shakes his head and looks at Baekhuyn like he’s a weirdo. “I didn’t hear anything.”

 

“Of course you didn’t, cause you’re too busy writing gay poetry when you could be Yifan’s right now,” Baekhyun chortles loudly and slaps Chanyeol on the back.

 

Chanyeol’s shoulders drop as he slumps over the table. “They’re not poems, and keep quiet, I don’t want to get banned from using the library for a month again.”

 

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Poems or not, you need to get your straight and give them to him brother.”

 

“No thank you,” Chanyeol says, eyeing him before adding a sarcastic, “brother.”

 

They stare at each other and burst out laughing at how dumb they are because wow they are really dumb.

 

They hear a gasp the duo turns their head to the direction of the sound.

 

“Speak of the devil!” It’s Tao who comes up to them with Yifan towed behind and Chanyeol groans inwardly.

 

“You do know that, that term can only be used if you were talking about said person previously right?” Baekhyun points out.

 

Tao rolls his eyes. “I know my Korean, kimchi boy.”

 

Chanyeol chuckles and leans over to whisper, “You finally found your match.” Baekhyun flicks his forehead.

 

Tao looks at their exchange and smirks at Yifan who rolls his eyes.

 

“Um, not being rude but,” Chanyeol begins and avoids eye-contact with Yifan,  “Why are you guys here?

 

“Can we sit with you guys? The library is so packed!” Tao says and Baekhyun scans the place.

 

“We’re the only ones here, there are plenty of ta-” Tao clamps his hand over Baekhyun’s mouth and takes a seat beside him, leaving Yifan to take the one beside Chanyeol.

 

“Great,” Chanyeol mutters under his breath and groans inwardly when he catches Yifan looking at him.

 

Chanyeol plugs in his earpiece and starts working on his algebra homework, cursing Tao in his head because he can barely hold his pen properly with the way Yifan’s staring at him.

 

After 10 minutes of being under Yifan’s continuous scrutiny, Chanyeol gives up and closes his book.

 

“I’ll be going first, have fun,” He tells Baekhyun and raises his brows at Tao’s direction.

 

Baekhyun gives him the finger.

 

“Me too,” Yifan says and follows Chanyeol. The latter’s eyes widen and he fastens his pace.

 

“Chanyeol!” Yifan calls when they’re out of the library but Chanyeol continues walking—almost running by now.

 

Yifan catches up and Chanyeol curses his long legs. “Let’s talk,” he says.

 

“Let’s not.,” he scoffs and Yifan pushes him to the wall.

 

“What the is wrong with you!?” he yells when Chanyeol tries to get away.

 

“Me? Don’t you mean what the is wrong with you?”

 

Yifan is exasperated. He hasn’t done anything wrong; Chanyeol was the one who stopped talking to him first, so why is he the one getting angry when it should’ve been Yifan.

 

“What do you mean by that? Nothing’s ing wrong with me, it’s ing you.” He spits and Chanyeol feels his heart breaking in record time.

 

“Then don’t talk to me! We were both doing perfectly fine.” Chanyeol pushes him away and runs until he doesn’t see Yifan anymore.

 

 

December 2012, 10:30 A.M

 

 

Baekhyun smirks, and he gives himself a pat on the back because wow, Byun Baekhyun is a genius, Byun Baekhyun is Jesus.

 

He has everything planned out from how he would deliver the letter to how he would escape from the clutches of Chanyeol after he finds out what Baekhyun did.

 

A sinister smile grows on his lips as he looks through his contacts and picks out one, “Hello, Luhan? Let’s play fairy god mothers!”

 

 

 

 

“Well hello there, Yifan.” Baekhyun and Luhan smiles at said boy simultaneously. How terrifying.

 

 

 

 

December 2012, 8:40 P.M

 

It’s the first snowfall of the year and Chanyeol’s stuck at school because he needs his teacher to  write a recommendation for college.

 

All cuddly and comfy in his big jacket, he heads for his locker.

 

His fingers twirls around the lock as he recites his locker combination for the last time and an envelope flies out when he flings it open.

 

With an eyebrow raised, he scrutinises the envelope. “Is this Baekhyun?” he mutters under his breath while opening it.

 

His eyes widens as he reads through the letter and shakily closes his locker.

 

 

“Hello, Kyungsoo? Yeah, I done ed up bruh.”

 

 

December 2012, 3 P.M

 

“I think you should give him a chance,” Kyungsoo says and Chanyeol mumbles incoherently into his pillow.

 

“Please don’t get your tears stained on my pillow, it’s a gift from my ex.”

 

“ you, I will it.”

 

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says placatingly. “Talk to him—he already knows and you need to stop being afraid. Read him. You’ll never know unless you try.”

 

Chanyeol gets up and Kyungsoo checks his pillow.

 

(He does stains his pillow with his tears. “You’re so gross,” Kyungsoo complains.)

 

 

 

Chanyeol is at the footstep of Baekhyun’s house and he is going to have a mature and intelligent chat with Baekhyun about why he did what he did.

 

 

 

“Byun—mothering—Baekhyun! I swear to god you better open the door this instant or I’ll have Kyungsoo rip off your ball with the tongs he uses-”

 

The door swings open and Chanyeol falls silent.

 

Yifan stares at him, arms crossed, leaning against the door. The air is still with Chanyeol gobsmacked and Yifan stoic.

 

“You’re not Baekhyun,” Chanyeol finally manages to choke out.

 

 “No I’m not.” Yifan says, grinning.

 

 

 

 

Now Chanyeol sits on the swing like he’s told to and he thinks Yifan is extremely stupid for picking the god damn playground to chat in the middle of ing winter.

 

“So you know, huh?” he starts and Yifan nods with a wide grin.

 

“Stop smiling, it makes me want to poke your eyeballs with my toe.” Chanyeol grumbles.

 

Yifan reaches for his chin and makes him look up. “What do you hear?” he asks gently.

 

It’s been a long time since Chanyeol has carefully looked into Yifan’s eyes that he almost forget how beautiful they are. He seldom smiles with his lips, it’s his eyes that does the smiling.

 

Time stops for the both of them and Chanyeol holds his breath. He enters the world of Yifan’s thoughts and he feels like he’s experiencing this for the first time.

 

The chill that Yifan always gave him back then whenever he reads into his eyes is still fresh in his memory; now it is no longer just a memory because this time, he’s finally experiencing the refreshing chill again.

 

“Yifan, I-”

 

“You’re so mean, you know that?” Yifan chuckles and brushes away the stray strands of hair that hang over Chanyeol’s eyes.

 

“Leaving me without a word, I thought you were angry at me. Do you know how sad I was? I broke up with Nana because it felt so wrong to be with her but to think of you instead.”

 

“But you didn’t like me that way when I read your thoughts,” Chanyeol counters.

 

“That’s true, I didn’t. But tell me, when did you stop reading my thoughts?” Yifan tils his head in question.

“Because I only found out that I was gay after I saw you hanging out with that Baekhyun the first year of high school,” he explains and Chanyeol smiles at the disgust in his voice when he says Baekhyun’s name.

 

 

“It was hard,” Chanyeol clears his throat. “I’ve liked you since forever but every time I want to grab your ugly face and kiss the out of you, I always end up looking into your eyes and your thoughts.” He pauses for a bit; his eyes are getting watery.

 

Chanyeol bites his lips and immediately flushes when he reads Yifan’s thoughts. The latter giggles and ruffles his hair.

 

 

“You never looked at me like how you looked at Nana, nor notice my preference for males. I was afraid, so afraid—of course I left,” he finishes and lets out the breath he didn’t know he has been holding.

 

He hesitantly looks up and the next thing he knows, Yifan slams his lips to his and nearly knocks all wind from his lungs. He isn’t given a moment to react before Yifan presses his tongue to the seam of his lips and, at his grant of access, delves inside his mouth.

 

The strong scent of mint is exchanged in the intermingling of their billowing breaths—obviously Yifan had been chewing gum—the kiss is warm and Chanyeol thinks of warm marshmallows and a campfire.

 

He pulls away for a second, in air as he arches into Yifan's chest, at the shared body heat, before drawing his head back down to Yifan's lips

When they break apart for air, Yifan rests his forehead against Chanyeol’s and gathers some much needed air.

 

“That was nice,” Chanyeol comments and Yifan hides his face in his scarf. He laughs and holds Yifan’s hand.

 

“Now let’s get back home so we can make out more because I feel like my balls are going to drop if I continue staying under this ing snow.”

 

“Anything you say, my queen.” Yifan curtsies and Chanyeol smacks his head.

 

 

Luhan and Baekhyun giggle from their hiding spot and high-five each other. “You are a genius,” they say to each other and go their separate ways.

 

 

 

Later when Chanyeol is seated between Yifan’s legs, watching a Christmas movie in Yifan’s room—Yifan sneaking kisses between scenes—he asks him.

 

“What are we now?”

 

“What do you want us to be?” Yifan asks back, knowing that getting a question as an answer is one of Chanyeol’s pet peeves.

 

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, “God, you’re still annoying as ever.”

 

Yifan leans down to peck his forehead.

 

He looks up and stares into his lover’s eyes. He doesn’t know what to call them, but he knows exactly what they are. It’s weird and confusing but instead of putting a name to this thing that they have, he just knows the mechanics and understands the logic behind it.

 

-

 

 

 

 

 It’s a habit since they’ve been doing this for their entire high school career and sometimes Chanyeol gets carried away with the ignoring and teases Yifan till the latter is red as a lobster.

 

 

March 2013, 8 P.M

 

Yifan slowly approaches his lover who is furiously typing away on his laptop but when he’s about to attack him with a bear hug, Chanyeol lifts his index finger.

 

“Don’t even try, I could smell your Gucci Guilty from the door,” he warns.

 

Yifan pouts and crouches beside Chanyeol’s chair. “You’re so mean to me.”

 

He looks over at Chanyeol’s laptop. “How’s your lit paper going?” he asks and Chanyeol beams in response.

 

“Why don’t you see it for yourself?”

 

 

 

Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with him, and I know he didn’t plan it either. For me, a love like this has happened to me only once and it took me great pains to realize it’s importance.

 

Love is scary. A year ago, I wouldn’t have recommended it. But I fell and no one picked me up till years later.

 

When it finally blossomed between us, the feeling was indescribable.

 

I feel like there's no looking back, he probably did as well, seeing as to how he has fallen in love with a stern brunette who stops him before he can continue his lame jokes and leaves him without a word.

 

I have to smile because he brought me joy—something that i thought was out of my life once and for all—and he gives me food whenever he comes back from lessons, I think we all know who’s the winner in love.

 

When he finishes reading, he pulls Chanyeol closer to him, wrapping his arms around his frame.

 

“And you call me cheesy,” he jokes.

 

His embrace is warm, and his big, strong arms seem protective when wrapped around Chanyeol’s thin body. The world around them melts away as Chanyeol squeezes him back, not wanting the moment to end.

 

“Thank you,” Yifan says with his head in Chanyeol’s hair and the latter chuckles, shaking his head. “No, thank you for waiting.” 

---