As I look into the mirror, I can see one’s reflection who was used to the gleaming lights this world offered. But suddenly all those lights went out just like how the first snow falls. Nobody knows. They were torn off within him in a blink of eyes. With so much force, he was left bleeding and lost. His smile is a lie. His life is a lie. He bends. He is me.

My nose is bleeding again. How many times I have to wipe it clean so it won’t come back being my haunting nightmare. No matter how I try, things like destiny won’t change. And me here being a pathetic nineteen-year-old-boy is a destiny. I got angry to the world a lot in the past. I did. Who did not? I doubt there is one who wouldn’t blame the world at first if he were me. But who exactly I blamed on, the world which I was born into or me for being poorly sick. I chose the latter. I was angry with myself. Until, I saw her.

She was crying. Her tears were not visible to others, but they were to me. She looked away at the calming blue sky that day. And the sun shining against her face. And at that time I never knew that those lights, which brought me happiness once, could come back. They came back through her presences, flew within her very moves, and danced along her silence. Without realization, I came close to her. I offered a handshake and mentioning my name. She looked at me without any proper expression, neither shocked nor felt odd to find such a stranger approaching her. I then was left alone by her. She didn’t even welcome my handshake offer, neither mentioning her name. So since that day I followed her like a little duck to his mother.

We’ve grown closer after her dad passed away. Death. One terrifying word which supposed to get me shivered, yet I comforted her that day. I became a shoulder to cry on though I was scared. I was scared that it would come to me anytime sooner. I still am scared. I’ve been avoiding her for a few days. I didn’t answer her calls either replied her massages. I told her I was tired when she came over. I couldn’t look straight into her eyes, I avoided them.

I lay on my bed resting my aching body. I feel dull.

I hear a click from the door. It must be her. She usually comes at this time. I pretend to close my eyes like I were sleeping so that she wouldn’t stay and ask me what is wrong. Her footsteps become clearer as she’s nearing.

“I know you’re not sleeping.”

I stay quiet.

“Answer me or... I swear I won’t ever come back to visit you again.”

Yes, Lee Hayi. It’s better that you’re not coming back again.

“Yah Kim Hanbin, you jerk!” She punches me by my hand real hard that I can’t help but grimace in pain.

“See... you’re not sleeping. And what with this all? You’re f****ng avoiding me for these past four days. Are you insane?”

“Hey hey hey. Is it the proper way to greet a sick friend?” I , trying to change the subject.

“Yah! Don’t you dare trying to change the subject.” She caught me. I forgot. She can read through me afterall.

“What is wrong, Hanbin-ah?”

What is wrong? What is exactly is wrong with me?

Maybe it was that I tried to kiss you the last time I saw you. Maybe it is that my heart beats even harder when you near me. Maybe I am sick at my head too. I keep thinking of you. I’m scared when it is my time to go you’ll be left alone. I’m scared that our memories will turned out to be your nightmares once I’m gone. I shouldn’t have this feeling, right? I have no rights. I should be your bestfriend. That’s what I asked for right from the first time.

“Hello,” she waves her hand in front of my face trying to bring me back from my thoughts, “can you hear me asking you?”

“Yeah,” I srugh, “it’s nothing. There’s nothing to worry about, Hayi-ah.”

“I know that you’re not telling me the truth.”

I can’t answer that, Hayi-ah.

She looks at me with her observant look. “I know you’re lying. I hate you.”

Hate me with all you want. Hate me ‘till you forget about me. Hate me so it’ll be easier for you to let me go. So I will be at ease, atleast.

“You think this is going to work? Creating a space between us will bring me happiness? You’re one helpless jerk. You’re selfish,” she grits her teeth holding her anger, “you... You don’t know how much I like you right?”

What? What did you just say? I stare at you wondering.

“This is all just a waste,” she turns backfacing me, “I’m going.”

I sit myself up realizing you’re going to leave. “Don’t go.”

You freeze at where you’re standing. “What is this?”

“What is this feeling? Can I have it for you? I’m just one helpless sick person. I’m sick,” I bitterly smile, “I’m dying, Hayi-ah.”

My tears fall from my eyes. They fall shamelessly, uncontrolably.

You pull me to a hug. “Hanbin-ah, it won’t hurt me. The times I spend with you are the happiest moments in my life. And I don’t care if it’s gonna be for a day, a  month, or a year. Or even for years. I don’t mind crying for you at your funeral. I don’t mind feeling hurt when you left. Because you’ve compesated all with the times I am with you.”

“I like you, Hayi-ah. A lot.” I pull off from the hug. We smile from ear to ear. Maybe it’s true, things like destiny can’t be avoided. They can’t be changed. So it is me with you. I can’t run from you.

And for this only that I am thankful to the destiny.