He was ugly today.


I know that Monday was the most hated day of the week, people having to use all their effort to force themselves to go to school. It was reflected upon their faces; hands running through hair every minute or so, constant sighing and eyebrows furrowing. Twenty or more people have already walked past me, all wearing the same irritated expression. But none of those were at par to him.


He had spring on his steps, hand swinging the bag he was holding and flashing smiles at everyone. A familiar student greeted him and he almost blinded the guy with his bright grin. It was enough for me to join the other students in their sour mood. I fastened my pace towards the school building. It felt like Moses splitting the sea because the students were all making way for me as soon as their eyes caught my figure walking along the same path.


The ugly man, who was a few meters ahead, suddenly stopped and turned around. Our eyes met and upon recognizing me, immediately walked back. I too became a victim of his ugly face as he greeted me in his usual warm voice.


"Good morning, Wufan!" He chirped, a little too near to my face. "Did you have a good weekend?"


"Hn." I sidestepped him and continued walking to my first class. I felt him following suit, the loud clatter of his excited steps not being missed by my attentive ears.





I'm not really fond of starting Mondays with seeing him.




"Hey Wufan, do you have a homework in Math?"


He took a seat across my desk from where I was busy reading in peace. Until he arrived. I didn't pay attention to him and just shrugged. However, my cold treatment did not deter him like always and began to rummage through my bag for the object he was looking for.


He let out a cheer when he pulled it out and was about to go back to his seat when I held onto his wrist tightly, still not looking up from my book. "Did I say anything about letting you copy my homework?" I asked in my usual indifferent tone. I didn't have to look up to know that the man was now sporting his kicked-puppy expression. He went back to sitting in front of me.


"But Wufaaaan~ I really really need it this time. I wasn't able to do mine since I went to academy till late-"


"Since when did underground performance became academy?" I immediately cut him off. I knew where this was leading to and there was no need to make the whining longer. My answer will still be no.


"But I had to go! I already missed the last one with the band because you wanted me to study with you. And I did, didn't I? Because you said so. I thought if there is anyone who understands my passion more than anyone else it would be my best friend." I heard a loud sigh. "But I guess I was wrong..."


He slowly stood up from the chair, obviously waiting for me to take back my words and let him have his way like always. But I didn't. When he finally realized that I won't be giving in this time, he slammed the notebook on top of the desk, creating a loud noise. This time, I looked up and saw his hurt expression just in time before he walked back to his own seat and sulked.





I don't tolerate bull. Especially if it was from him.



 

"Wufaaaaan~"


The familiar deep voice rang from a distance, irritating me once again. I swiftly left the classroom as soon as the bell signalizing dismissal rang then took a fast jog to the library where I spent almost ten minutes, hoping that this ball of annoyance have long since headed home. But the amount of time I wasted to shake him off my back proved to be futile as an arm linked its way onto my own. I didn't glance over and just continued walking as if nothing was hanging on me.


"Hey Wufan, can we play basketball? It's been a long time since we played together." His deep voice filled with enthusiasm. It can almost be compared to a puppy waiting for a playmate.


"No." I replied curtly. When will he ever leave me alone?


I expected my body to be shaken furiously, together with his incessant whining for us to play but instead, the warm limb left my arm. This made me halt on my steps and looked back at the man, who was now wearing a blank expression on his face. He remained like that for a few seconds before he finally opened his mouth to speak.


"Can't we go back to what we used to be? Why are you being like this to me?" He said in a soft voice. The sadness that rarely laced the energetic man's voice made a pang in my chest.


"I don't know what you are talking about." I watched as his expression became contorted with pain.


"What did I do? Please tell me so I can apologize properly. So I can change. It hurts me when you push me away instead of telling me what the problem was." He turned his gaze on the ground.


"Don't waste time on me. There is someone who needs your attention more." I turned around and continued walking, not looking back again.




I can't endure having him near me.

"There she is. Ah, my heart is beating too fast. Be on stand-by, hyung. You might rush me to the hospital." He said as his eyes remained transfixed on the petite female who was buying lunch not far from where we were eating.


We were having lunch at the school cafeteria. I actually prefer eating outside, but he would always drag me here just to wait for that person to appear and stare at her with his disgusting dreamy look. I was so close to stabbing his throat with my fork. Instead, the poor bulgogi received my anger.


"How can she be so pretty every day? She's so perfect. She's beautiful, smart, and everyone likes her. Who wouldn't fall for her?" There it was again. That lovesick expression.


"I don't know. Maybe because not everyone finds her beautiful, smart or likeable." I replied.


The man turned to me with a sharp glare. "Seriously hyung, you are the only person in the whole campus who hates her. Just because people refer to you as a campus crush doesn't mean you have the power to say bad things to her."


"I don't have to be a campus crush to say that. I can say whatever I want. Take your admiration somewhere else." I grumbled back.


"Seriously, what's the problem with you? You've been extra mean lately. Not only to me, but to everyone else around you. Some were even asking if you are possessed because even though you are usually cold and -faced, you don't intentionally hurt other people."


"I don't know. Maybe you are supposed to know considering that you always say you are my best friend."


"Well I AM your best friend and even I cannot comprehend what's going on with you anymore. Are you on drugs?"


"Ask yourself. You look like the possessed one with the amount of lovey-dovey expressions you show whenever you see that woman around."


"Oh come on, hyung! Are we going on about this again? I told you I don't like her that way. I just admire her, that's all!" He let out a groan. He saw the mutilated beef bowl in front of me and grimaced. "Are you jealous or something? Because that's how a jealous girlfriend acts, seriously."


I got up from my seat and strode out of the cafeteria, ignoring the curious looks that followed me.





I was on my seat, reviewing my notes. It was study time and everyone was working quietly. I was beginning to get bored and found myself staring at his back. With the way his shoulders were hunched, elbows propped on the desk and hands appearing to be holding up his head, I knew he was having problems answering something. Homework, I think. And English, certainly. That was the subject he found the most difficult.


I continued to watch him as he huffed and ruffled his hair in annoyance and then go back to his previous position. It took all my willpower not to stand up and help him. He must solve it himself. He will never get better in the subject if I was always there to guide him. Or maybe because I knew that my help was not welcome anymore. After all the things I did to him, coming to me would be the last thing he will ever do.


Ignoring the hollow feeling in my chest, I resumed to paying attention to my notes. I tried to focus too much that I didn't hear the slight shuffling noise in front of me. The notebook almost flew out of my hands when the familiar deep voice spoke to me.


"Wufan, are you busy? I really can't solve the homework. Help me, please?" He was looking at me with an embarrassed expression, biting his lips nervously.


The sudden appearance of him made my mind blank. Still, I managed to collect myself and give a reply. "You want me to help? Why don't you ask other people instead?"


"And why would I do that?" There was an honest look of confusion on his face.


"Because you know...I'm mean and I'm no longer your best friend." I found myself saying.


"What?! Who said that? We are not best friends anymore? But whyyyyy?~" He took my hand and stared at me hard. "Say all you want, but you will never get rid of me. Even when you want to kill me, I will stay with you." The boy chuckled. "Too bad because you really don't have a choice in this, Wufan. I told you, haven't I? You are special to me. You being mean or -faced or possessed will never change that. I hope I'm special to you too."


I continued to stare at his smiling face. Me? Special to him? No matter how strong I am, I also have a limit. Because right now, my racing heart was about to explode.





I'm not in love. Of course I'm not.








"What are you doing?"



His shoulders jumped in surprise when he heard me. He quickly hid something underneath his shirt and looked back at me with a sheepish grin. "Nothing. Just some useless stuff."


Just the mention of 'useless stuff' was enough for me to become suspicious. I tried to lift his shirt and see what he was hiding, but he firmly tucked his hands inside, preventing me from taking out the object. "Chanyeol." I said in a warning tone.


"No!" He tried to run away, but I was faster. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to take the thing he was furiously keeping from me. He wriggled to break free, but I was stronger. In the end, I succeeded in getting it. I saw his ears turning red from embarrassment before I turned my attention to the paper I was holding. My eyebrows furrowed as I read what was written there.


It was lyrics for a love song. About a person who could never confess to his loved one. And he was obviously the one who has written it.


"Wufan, I-"


I didn't bother to listen to him as I stormed out of the classroom, trying to ignore the searing pain in my chest.





I don't feel hurt. Not at all.








I never knew I would be grateful to such little creatures.



I found myself in a children's park where some elementary students were playing. Upon seeing me, they immediately stopped their game and backed a few steps away. Probably thinking that I'm some sort of pedo who might attack them. 


I paid no heed and just sat on one of the swings. I continued staring into space until the sound of chains swinging beside me pulled me back to reality. When I glanced over, I saw a girl, probably around eight, sitting on the swing beside mine. Her hair was tied in two pigtails and she was wearing a red backpack.


"Why are you sad, oppa?" The little girl asked, looking up at me with her innocent eyes.


"Oppa is in pain right now." I said to her.


"Ehh? Where?" The girl hopped out of the swing and went to me. She touched my arms and legs, trying to find the source of my pain. "Did someone hurt you?"



When the others saw that I didn't do anything to the little girl, they approached me too and soon, I was surrounded by kids whose little hands where touching me in different places all at once.


"He is hurt? How could someone hurt you, ahjussi? You look so big and strong!" A little boy with two missing front teeth asked.


"He is not an ahjussi! He is handsome and young so he is just your hyung!" Another girl with full bangs told off her friend. Then she turned to me. "Why would someone hurt you, oppa?"


"I'm hurt here." I pointed at my chest. "The person didn't physically hurt me."


"Was it love, ahjussi?" The same boy asked.


Surprised at the young boy's question, I nodded. Then suddenly, they exchanged looks and all of them let out a sigh. Now I didn't feel like I was talking to kids.


"Oppa, love is really difficult. When my mom takes my doll away because I was bad, I thought I'll die from crying." The girl with the red backpack said


"When I don't get sweets after dinner, I really feel bad. But I still try to smile and hope mom gives me later." A slightly chubby boy chimed in.


"The person who hurt you must be hurt too.  But you should be strong, oppa. Maybe one day you won't be so hurt anymore."


I looked at them incredulously, until I felt my lips tugged into a smile. I didn't know that kids these days could say such mature things. But their words comforted me. Their notion of love was still shallow, but the way they perceived it was all the same. And to think that adults don't consider the opinion of these tiny things.


I talked to them some more when a running figure entered the playground, panting and shoulders heaving to catch breath. Even without the man looking up, I already knew who it was. And the painful constriction of my heart returned.





I can't love him anymore. I knew we were nothing but best friends. I should never feel more than that.







The children must have sensed my discomfort at the arrival of the new boy and they all stood in front of me, as if to protect me. The man finally looked up and saw the small horde of kids surrounding me. They must have been glaring at him pretty hard because he was hesitant on approaching me.


"Uh...Wufan? Can we talk?" He asked, not moving from his spot.


"Why will you talk to him? Were you the one who hurt oppa?" The girl with the full bangs yelled.


His expression turned panicky at the child's hostility. "N-no it's not like that! I didn't hurt him on purpose, I promise! So can you please let me talk to him?"


"No! This oppa loves you but you hurt him. You can't talk to him. We won't let you!" The other girl said. This was seconded by the other two boys.


I smacked my face at the child's confession. Great. Now he knows. What will I do?


In the years that we had been friends, I've never shown any sign of liking him. Because I knew it would be useless. He wouldn't like me back. We were simply like that. Best friends.


Until he showed interest on that woman. I knew I had no right to be jealous, but I cannot endure staying with him while he looked at another person like that forever. And so I slowly tried to separate myself from him, making ways to make him walk away. I tried to be mean, non-caring, even a little bullying, but none deterred him from staying friends with me. In fact, it just made my feelings for him stronger.


After the child’s outburst, I couldn't make myself look at him, too embarrassed upon the boy's discovery of my feelings. It wasn't until his voice rang again that I finally looked up.


"I don't like hurting people. Especially people that I love."


The children looked at each other, probably wondering if they should believe the person's words. They turned to me and this time, I patted them on the head, telling hem it’s okay. At my words, they nodded and left the park. Now there was only the two of us. He slowly walked up to me, not breaking eye contact. I waited until he stopped a few steps away. My heart was hammering loudly as he spoke.


"You really like to run away from things, don't you?"


"It's better than being hurt." I replied.


"You are being selfish. You try to go away thinking only of your own feelings. You don't know how much that pains others too." He let out a loud sigh. "Seriously, hyung. I thought that between you and me, I'm the airheaded one. Haven't you got a clue? All the things I did to get your attention. To make you happy, laugh, smile. Staying with you even when everyone avoided you. Always being there for you. Hasn't it crossed the limit of friendship already?"


I held my breath as his words reached my ears. Words were caught up in my throat as he continued.


"The time when I was admiring that female senior, I wasn't lying to you. I really find her beautiful. You can say I'm a fan and I felt a strong attraction to her. But I'm not an idiot, hyung. I know that's not love." He paused. "Even if it's not mutual, please don't run away from me this time. Answer me, so I won't hope. So it will be easy to move on. I like you, hyung. More than how I should like my best friend."


He had done his part. It was now my turn. I closed the distance between us. In the end of every love story, couples were expected to hug. To kiss. But I did neither. Instead, I smacked him on the head. He too must not have expected my action and let out a yelp.


"Stop making me feel embarrassed. You know my answer already, so let's stop with this mushy thing." I said.


At that, he let out a wide smile. It was the same smile that captured me since. We walked out of the park together and for the first time, it was not a one sided touch. Hands were linked together, creating warmth against the biting cold.


"You saw the lyrics I wrote and just assumed it was for her, right?"


"Hn."


"Stupid Wufan. That was for you. I was preparing to perform that with the band the next time you come along with me."


"Please don't. Things like that are not my style."


And his laugh sounded like music to my ears. Having this person finally mine, I’m sure of what I want throughout my life.




 I am not letting go. I don't want to. I can't stop myself from loving him more.

---END---